[granite1]

i could i ever tell my T about the CSA when i was a child without dying of shame, embarrassment,fear,anger,mistrust etc...

[sweepy62]

oh granite im so sorry, i started divulging little bits after one year and your t will work with u and if she sees u cant handle emotions she will stop i have to tell u that its not easy and i thought i was going to peuk and all i did was look at her shoes the whole session, what i did was wrote what happened and gave it to her

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by granite1

i could i ever tell my T about the CSA when i was a child without dying of shame, embarrassment,fear,anger,mistrust etc...

Slowly. Bit by bit. When I told my T, I wanted the chair to fall through the floor and swallow me up. But, you know, he made it safe. He doesn't push me, so I can tell him as much or as little as I choose. It's entirely in my control, so it doesn't feel as scary.

And remember, you have nothing to be ashamed of. Nothing. The child is never, ever responsible. I know the shame is still there - I feel it, too. But your T knows that you did nothing wrong.

She will feel badly for you, but she will not think less of you. Therapists have heard pretty much everything. I worked as a social worker in a psych hospital and I heard everything and didn't think less of the people telling. She wants to help you and she can if you let her in.

[FourRedheads]

Yes, slowly. I told T just a bitty-bit about a month ago; just a teeny-tiny bit. And I thought I was going to throw up, pass out, maybe die. I couldn't look at T and blurted it out. And it was okay. And of course I freaked out the next day and had to call her. . And so far, that has been it. I don't want to tell her more right now and she isn't pushing me.

((Granite)) It will be okay, and you will tell her however much you want to tell her when you are ready.

[roads]

They're right, granite. I've never heard of a T pushing at all on this. You go completely at your pace, only when you want to. Take a deep breath, and another one. It will be all right.
((Hugs))
Roadie

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

And of course I freaked out the next day and had to call her. .

Oh yeah, I freaked out in the days after, too. I had an extra session that week.

He was very concerned during the disclosure session that I was okay. I hadn't been seeing him very long and it was the first time he made a point of telling me to call if I needed him for anything, anytime.

[suzzie]

like everyone is saying. t will go slow. and not push you. one of the main things im in t for is csa. and weve barely talked about it yet. my t keeps backing off. and ive been in t about 1 1/2 now. ive only told bits here and there. in hints. more than actual telling. but it was enough.

((((((((((granite))))))))

[granite1]

THINGS IM SCARED OF

feeling all those feelings again when i realized this wasnt ok

what will T think of me and my part in it

will it make any difference in how i can function at all in life if i talk about it

T-reaction,i dont know what i want from T in telling her.i dont want her to be completely repulse by me ,i dont want her to be OMG that is horrible either.i dont want her to not react either i dont know what i want and what if her reaction makes things worse.

what if speaking it makes things worse.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by suzzie

like everyone is saying. t will go slow. and not push you. one of the main things im in t for is csa. and weve barely talked about it yet. my t keeps backing off. and ive been in t about 1 1/2 now. ive only told bits here and there. in hints. more than actual telling. but it was enough.

((((((((((granite))))))))

does this make you feel she is not intrested at all

[precious things]

I just want to echo what the others have said. Very recently I saw an opening during one of our sessions and while taking the longest pause ever, I knew I needed to get the words-any words -out. He was so patient and I finally said " I had these s-xual experiences as a child". We sat with that-no pressure to give details. It became an incredibly powerful moment and one that brought my dr. and I closer (in the therapeutic sense) together. His response and words during that reveal have been very soothing to my soul. Even though I am not able to explore this further (at this time) I do not for one moment regret sharing. Now, when I am ready to reveal more, I know he is prepared.

I hope that when you are ready, you are able to draw strength knowing that there are others out there who are confronting the same thoughts and fears......

[skysblue]

Originally Posted by granite1

THINGS IM SCARED OF

feeling all those feelings again when i realized this wasnt ok

what will T think of me and my part in it

will it make any difference in how i can function at all in life if i talk about it

T-reaction,i dont know what i want from T in telling her.i dont want her to be completely repulse by me ,i dont want her to be OMG that is horrible either.i dont want her to not react either i dont know what i want and what if her reaction makes things worse.

what if speaking it makes things worse.

Can you share this part with T? Can you tell her you're scared of feeling those feelings again? Can you ask her how it will make a difference in your life? Can you ask her if she's worked with CSA victims before and what she thought about them?

Can you ask her if by talking about CSA it won't just make it worse?

Sharing our fears with T BEFORE we disclose, I believe, is essential.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by granite1

THINGS IM SCARED OF

feeling all those feelings again when i realized this wasnt ok

what will T think of me and my part in it

will it make any difference in how i can function at all in life if i talk about it

T-reaction,i dont know what i want from T in telling her.i dont want her to be completely repulse by me ,i dont want her to be OMG that is horrible either.i dont want her to not react either i dont know what i want and what if her reaction makes things worse.

what if speaking it makes things worse.

She will not be repulsed. Guaranteed. She will have infinite empathy for you. She won't think negatively of you or about your part in it. You were not responsible for the abuse. You were a child. The child is never responsible. The adult always is. Always. Your T will know this and will certainly reassure you about that.

Whether you'll feel better or worse is a individual thing. Ultimately, you'll feel better, but you may indeed feel worse at some points, just like you do whenever you're working on something hard in therapy.

You have support here, Granite, any time you want it. I wish you strength and peace.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by critterlady

Oh yeah, I freaked out in the days after, too. I had an extra session that week.

He was very concerned during the disclosure session that I was okay. I hadn't been seeing him very long and it was the first time he made a point of telling me to call if I needed him for anything, anytime.

i am so scared of freaking out i could never ask for an extra session ,im not allowed to e-mail or anything.i can call her but i couldnt talk about it over the phone.

[precious things]

Originally Posted by granite1

THINGS IM SCARED OF

feeling all those feelings again when i realized this wasnt ok

what will T think of me and my part in it

will it make any difference in how i can function at all in life if i talk about it

T-reaction,i dont know what i want from T in telling her.i dont want her to be completely repulse by me ,i dont want her to be OMG that is horrible either.i dont want her to not react either i dont know what i want and what if her reaction makes things worse.

what if speaking it makes things worse.

While I completely understand these fears, I think just telling "X happend" w/o giving all the details may be all that is needed in the moment.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by sweepy62

oh granite im so sorry, i started divulging little bits after one year and your t will work with u and if she sees u cant handle emotions she will stop i have to tell u that its not easy and i thought i was going to peuk and all i did was look at her shoes the whole session, what i did was wrote what happened and gave it to her

i feel like i would puke if she made me talk about it too much.just the feelings i get even thinking about it these days.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by skysblue

Can you share this part with T? Can you tell her you're scared of feeling those feelings again? Can you ask her how it will make a difference in your life? Can you ask her if she's worked with CSA victims before and what she thought about them?

Can you ask her if by talking about CSA it won't just make it worse?

Sharing our fears with T BEFORE we disclose, I believe, is essential.

i have to thhink of some way to.i have such a hard time talking to her but i seem to be a little better with this these days and i am no longer working and so i keep thinking maybe it is time to push things a bit.but i have no idea if i should or if i should let things be as they are.because i think about it and telling i panic especially if ahe is in front of me

I know it is soooo hard to get that stuff out. It can be painful. But itll help to get it out. You can do it.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

She will feel badly for you, but she will not think less of you. Therapists have heard pretty much everything. I worked as a social worker in a psych hospital and I heard everything and didn't think less of the people telling. She wants to help you and she can if you let her in.

sometimes i think she doesn't want to hear any of this stuff.that she would be horrified by it all

[rainbow8]

Everyone gave you excellent answers, and they are all true. Your T will NOT be horrified at whatever you tell her, and she will not think less of you. She will be proud of you for being able to share some of your pain with her. But you can do this at your own pace, like others said. No need to say anything you're not ready to.

I know my stuff is not so awful, but even so, I am terribly embarrassed and disgusted with myself when I tell her my T what I tell her. I want to hide from her. But she makes everything okay with her reassurance and praise for my feeling safe enough to be so honest with her. She makes it okay to tell.

You can risk a tiny bit and see how you feel. If it's too hard, stop. Ts don't expect everything to come spilling out at once, but if it does, that's okay too. That's why therapy is so great; anything is all right--in how you tell your story.

[FourRedheads]

Originally Posted by granite1

sometimes i think she doesn't want to hear any of this stuff.that she would be horrified by it all

Sometimes I think this too. But I know that T's have ways of taking care of themselves.

[suzzie]

(granite---does this make you feel she is not intrested at all)no. she keeps backing off because she can see i cant handle it. and she doesnt want to push too much. she told me this. im too afraid of this stuff. and she said she being very careful. i wonder about the feelings around it too. they seem huge. hope you will be able to tell your t a small bit.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by suzzie

(granite---does this make you feel she is not intrested at all)no. she keeps backing off because she can see i cant handle it. and she doesnt want to push too much. she told me this. im too afraid of this stuff. and she said she being very careful. i wonder about the feelings around it too. they seem huge. hope you will be able to tell your t a small bit.

mt T talked to me a long time ago about trust and the fact that i can set the paceand go slow and that she doesnt want to retraumitize me by going to fast or something like that. i think that scared me because i had never heard of anything like that

You know what, granite? She WILL be horrified. She will be horrified on your behalf. She will NOT be horrified by you. She will not be repulsed by you. She won't.

Telling is traumatic. You will second guess yourself after you tell. Those are just unfortunate facts. You will initially feel worse. You will second guess your decision to tell. HOWEVER, your T will be there to support you and so will the PC community. The people here are amazing. Telling people here and telling my T about what happened to me when I was little was so very difficult. Telling why I thought it was my fault was so SO much worse. Not one person, NOT ONE, has judged me or made me regret finally telling. You were so supportive when I was taking those first tentative steps. You know that you were not lying to me when you said it wasn't MY fault, right? It wasn't yours either. And now, months into it, I feel better. I. FEEL. BETTER.

Someday, I hope to finally feel clean. Whole. In order to get to that place, we have to slough through the difficult task of pulling the horrible stuff inside out into the light of day. To actually look at it. See that the shame we have attached to it does not belong to us. It DOES NOT BELONG TO US, Granite. Let your T see, and start the process with me.

[CantExplain]

((Granite))