how could i??

Granite, if you are waiting for the day when it will be effortless to tell and when you will feel totally comfortable about it and won't react at all to it - that day will never come.

This stuff IS messy but it is okay and you will survive it.

I wrote it down on paper and gave it to her (my T). I took a big breath, told myself to be brave and just did it. I have the same fears you have. I just did this last Thursday. I'm still rather disconnected from the feelings of it, but I wanted to run straight out of that room. I do however feel a relief and like I can move on now. If your therapist is not pushy, he/she won't push and will let you take it at your own pace. For whatever reason, mine is quite pushy. I'm not sure why, maybe that's what I need - seems to be.

I've been mostly worried about what she thinks, what her reaction would be, etc. She was great about it - wonderful reaction. I have worried following the session, but I have tried to keep my mind occupied and distracted. For whatever reason, it has been more of a relief these past few days than anything.

Listen to WantingtoHeal, Granite! You can do this! Really.

my T doesnt allow me to write things and give them to her unless i am willing to read it myself she will not read it.i just dont think i could.i still have a letter that she keeps bugging me about to finish reading.i cant do it.

sannah i know you are so right. i just havnt been able to figure out how to start yet, i just dont know.

i also worry about how things would be after i know how i get just thinking about things and how bad it was years ago .i know i am a differnt person but scared

i feeling i have feel way to huge and unmangable and i don't know if my T knows how to help me manage them either.i have a hard time a lot and i keep most stuff hidden in a foggy part of my mind surounded by lots of other thoughts and totally filtered so i can function does that make any sence to you.and when i try to talk about it i just cant do it nothing comes out of my mouth.sometimes i try when my T asks me about something but it doesnt always work.i not to long ago i was able to tell her about the mother beating me and breaking wooden spoons on me (long story)but in the end it set off a huge reaction and now im not working and basically hiding in my house exsept for shopping and i went to my sons graduation.i know there was a lot more to it but basically i cant seem to tell her when these things happen and it isn't good.sorry for rambling i'm sure none of this makes any sence i'm sorry

I'm here rambling because i am nervous about what tomorrow will bring.will my T be the same i don't get what went on last week

Granite, I've noticed that I often get from my T exactly what I expect to get from him. T's are so blank and waiting to follow the path that we lead them on.

If I go in thinking that he is going to be nice, we will have conversation, and get along well, that is exactly what happens. When I go in anxious, afraid that I won't be able to talk, that is exactly what happens. If I expect him to be nice, that is what I see. If I am afraid, I see danger. I'm pretty sure he's exactly the same both times, it's all in the way I filter and process what is happening.

Good luck with your session tomorrow. Are you taking your drawings?

When I was talking to Tree about telling T. something very difficult and worrying if I could do it and what would his reaction be, Tree gave me some great advice. Tree said that I should talk to my T about talking about it... I just told T. that I knew we needed to talk about some hard stuff and how would we do that? what would he do if I cried? what would he do if I was too upset? how could he help me? how would we work it?

talking about talking about it really sounds weird...but it really helped lower my anxiety...

thanks PB i always take them they are in my T journal that i write stuff i want to say to her about stuff.don't know if i can show her though.it stays in my T bag.

would you be able to tell me your T's responces to those Q's it is ok if it is to personal and you don't want to

He said that he would be the clock watcher... that we would start talking bout the difficult thing first thing... and that he would make sure we stopped with enough time for us to get back to the here and now before session time would be up...

He said we didn't have to talk about it all at once... he said it was like a big pile of junk covered up with a tarp...we could just talk about the pile first... like how would it feel to lift up a corner.?.. and how would if the pile got smaller? and how we could sift through the junk and explore it in little pieces and then box it up... and then go through another little pile.... and that every session didn't have to be about it...we could just have a breather lighter subjects inbetween...and that I could set the pace...

He told me that nothing that I would say would change what he thought of me...but that he might have a reaction to what I said...he might be angry for me... or he may be upset that I had to go through that... (I on the other hand only say things like a fact with no feelings)...

but it was good and safe and a once we started talking about talking about it... I had a big memory come back and it really helped lift off the tarp so to speak...

(((( granite ))))

This is so hard.

I learned at a very young age that the only way to stay safe was to be quiet and cooperate.

When I shared parts of my CSA with T, it was when I was in crisis after being severely triggered by witnessing inappropriate sexual behavior between two young children next door. I spiraled downwards fast....and that's when a lot of my story was told to T...It has taken us nearly 3 years since then, and I am still barely touching the surface of the work that needs to be done on it....because I, too, shut down way too easily and have the most difficult time talking about it.

And all of your concerns are soooo valid and soooo real. Learning coping skills to handle the excess energy from telling was something that I didn't know about...So I resorted to a lot of unhealthy ways to get through it. It scares me to go back there, to do that work, because of those overwhelming feelings.

What my T says is that I have to remind myself that I am an adult now and am safe. But it's so hard to do when you're spiraling out of control. I get that.

I hope you find the courage to address this with T. Try to figure out what you need in order to feel safe enough to talk about it, and come up with a strategy with T to address whatever fears you have.

(((( HUGS ))))

thanks MUE iv'e missed you