Just a question,please don't take offence.

So I've tried the T route in the past, and it was helpful for getting some perspective and guidance, and all 3 T's were real great, we clicked. ( ok ok, I mentioned that to clarify I have T experience and not completely in the dark )

I've noticed a few T orientated threads, not the actual therapy ones, I'm talking bout eye-colour, books, you know, personal stuff. Please note I said personal,not private, so please don't misunderstand So my question is:

What's with the fixation on your T and do you think it's healthy?

Ok, that's 2 questions. Sorry to be nosey, but I just don't get it and would like to understand...

In most therapeutic models, the relationship with the therapist is the most important thing. It's natural to focus on the T, and frankly, I think part of why there's so much talk about it here is that, in many ways, it's easier to talk about the person than the therapy process itself.

Transference is completely natural and, if handled properly by the therapist, is healthy. It helps the T understand what some of the issues are that the client needs to work on and resolve, so they can have good relationships outside the therapy setting.

I don't think the eye colour thread showed fixation with the therapist, it was a lighthearted thread about whether clients are comfortable making eye contact.

Things like books, etc.. I guess we like to compare experiences of what is 'normal' in therapy...

Yes some people seem to be fixated with their T... Jury is out on whether it's 'healthy', I guess, but I guess it depends on just how fixated... I think it's natural to be curious about someone you share so many intimate details with yet know very little about... Then there are transference issues... But the thing I keep hearing/reading again and again is how important the therepeutic relationship/ the connection is, and for some people (like me) this kind of closeness is unusual or something never before experienced, so it throws up a lot of thoughts and feelings that we find it helpful to explore here on the boards.

I wouldn't say I'm 'fixated' with my T - though she means a lot to me and I think she's all kinds of amazing - I'm more 'fixated' with the therapy itself, with the process...

Thank you I think I understand what you mean by it being easier to talk about the T as opposed to actual sessions. Makes sense Thanks again, it's appreciated.

Just some girl, thanks I was wondering if 'fixated' was an appropriate word, maybe I missed the mark.
I get the light-hearted stuff, maybe I used a crappy example, my apologies, it's nearly 3am Once again, thank you for your input, it's appreciated.

I'm really giggling that you used one of my threads (eye color) as an example of being overly-attached to your T. I do understand your question though.

I am very fixated on therapy; it's why I'm on this board. I don't always want to talk about specifics of my sessions, but I'm glad to talk about my T's shoes or his books.

I am very fixated on therapy; it's why I'm on this board. I don't always want to talk about specifics of my sessions, but I'm glad to talk about my T's shoes or his books.[/quote]

I know the feeling! I would much rather talk about his gorgeous brown eyes or how warm and inviting his office is than what went on in our session

I'm obsessed with therapy itself. I adore my T and love to talk about her also because I think she's an "eccentrically cool" person, but I also post the details of my sessions in hopes that it will help someone else in some way. I love both serious and lighthearted posts!

I think with any close, intimate relationship, there is a period of infatuation and idealization that is natural. Yes, I do think it's healthy, if it has to be labeled.
Mostly, I think it just "is" and I think it is necessary.

The fixation with T is called "attachment".

Most (but not all!) of us get attached to our therapists. It is painful and hard to understand, so we ask each other for support.

Is it healthy to fall in love and have your heart broken? In the long run, yes, because it leads to more realistic expectations of love, and more lasting relationships.

Thanks so much everbody for your insight, your replies were very enlightening

but now you got me wondering why I never got attatched. Especially to my 1st and favourite T...

Maybe it's bcoz I'm very open right off the bat. I go into therapy with guns blazing

Different strokes for different folks I guess

Thanks once again, it's been very educational. XOXO

can take a while to get attached. I spent every session yelling at my current T for like 2 or 3 years before I started to figure it out.

So IS there some rational and logical therapy approach (aka "no attachment, just working on issues you currently have")? The whole attachment makes me reluctant to go in therapy and blow my money to talk and think about the person I pay the money to. I have enough issues and enough people in my life to worry about as it is.

Therapy is like architecture school for relationships. You don't just go out and build a building by yourself, it takes cooperation with others. Some of us get good "architecture degrees" from our parents and can start working immediately to build our lives with others. Some of us flunk - bad teacher, bad student, never mind who is to blame, the "course" must be taken again - with a therapist, or else we build a house of straw that blows down with the first wind.

For me a lot of the fascination with my therapist is the HUGE discrepancy of information about each other. She knows EVERYTHING about me and I know almost nothing about her, so every little bit of information is very precious to me. Not that I’m a stalker or have done anything to invade her privacy, sure I’m sure I could find a lot of "data" about her if I searched online but somehow that feels like cheating to me and would make the things I have figured out on my own or that she has opened up to me less meaningful.

Is it healthy, maybe not but it’s not such a bad thing, it’s something my therapist knows about I don’t try to hide my feelings from her (not that I ever could, so why try).

ok, here is probably The Dumb Question for the Day: are they the same thing, this attachment you are talking about, and transference?

I don't think they necessarily are. I am attached to my T, but transference issues just really haven't been a problem. Like Hankster said, it probably depends greatly on what kind of attachments you've been able to experience previously. Maybe? Just my guess.

CBT! Cognitive Behavioral Therapy. Doesn't rely on/require the therapeutic relationship, focuses on current issues. Very logical and straightforward. it wasn't for me, I wanted a more traditional talk therapy, but sounds like it could be an option for you?

For those of us doing deep work, not just cognitive and behavioral work, it is very important to have an attachment to our therapists. What we're doing is dredging up very painful and very difficult emotions that relate to traumatic events in our past (usually).

Typically there is a tremendous amount of fear and anxiety associated with the uncovering of painful emotions - along with shame, guilt, anger and so on.

The 'fixation' on our therapists is actually the ability to let down our very well constructed defenses and allow ourselves to be very vulnerable. That can't easily happen if we don't develop a serious bonding with them. It's our most inner life that we're exposing and we need to develop the kind of trust that is inherent in the trust a child must feel for its mother. And within that trust is the knowledge that we won't be hurt.

So, yes, this attachment is healthy. For those people who have an experienced and knowledgeable therapist, it can be the most transforming of all relationships. AND, the dependency that we feel while we're working through our issues will not last. We will be able to eventually stand on our own 2 feet. But while we're needing this support, our 'fixation' is nothing to avoid nor feel ashamed about.

Trippin me too. I wonder if they are not fully engaged in the therapy process. Or perhaps some T's are not really up to the job and people are level floating on the surface never fully diving in. What colour hair my T has or what books she has doesn't faze me. Can't be bothered with those sort of threads. More interested in the deep therapy ****.

Wow earthmamma, I'm not alone was starting to think I'm weirder than usual Thanks

I don't know that it is an obsession; I think that would take the same person posting all the same sorts of threads?

I loved the look of my therapist's hands; my favorite picture of my mother and me (she died when I was 3) is of her holding me on the way to my being baptized when I was about 6 months old; my father took the picture and I love the look of my mother's arm/hand under me, holding me; so strong and "safe".

My T wore a wedding ring and I did not wear mine because it was slightly small and would "bother" me if I wore it too long. But, my T's ring looked well on her slim, light brown hand, and I wanted to be like her (calm, quiet, self-possessed, engaged with the "other", a good listener, etc.) and started wearing my wedding ring on therapy session days, mirroring her.

Well, one day at work I was covering the front desk for the receptionist and the bookkeeper came to relieve me and noticed my ring and exclaimed, "Perna, you're wearing a wedding ring, I've never seen that?" and I almost replied, "That's because I only wear it on Fridays!"

My almost reply cracked me up so I told the bookkeeper the whole story, what I'd almost said and why I wore the ring on Fridays, etc. and then, when I went to therapy, I told my therapist too! We both enjoyed it and laughed and she said "someone would think you were part of a weird cult!" (The WOROFO? Wearers of Rings on Fridays only? :-)

The experience made clear to me and made me acknowledge completely to myself, why I was wearing the ring; it was a wonderful sharing experience with a friend at work and even more, with my therapist; and there was the knowledge that the person at work had "noticed" when it was such a small thing that I barely noticed/didn't acknowledge completely to myself.

Who knows who has a good "story" about their therapist's hair and what noticing/not noticing that or their therapist's eye color has done for them? Some people think they look at other people, look them in the eye but then they can't tell you the eye color? What's with that? That would be an aha moment to me, I look or try to look people in the eye but it's mostly just a glancing blow not a real "look".

I saw a picture of my husband's mother back 20 years ago, (she died before I could meet her) taken 50+ years ago and immediately saw her long lashes and how her eyes looked like my husband's (actually, how my husband's look like hers :-) and immediately went and looked more closely at my husband's eyes and saw his beautiful long lashes for the "first" time! Yes, I knew he had lovely blue eyes but had never looked at the components or thought about what it "meant" (the long lashes help in the "beauty" for me, I then saw).

Anything can be used in therapy to help us. If you aren't into hair, eyes, hands :-) or physical prompts, maybe it is sound of voice or mannerisms that you aren't even aware that you are aware of? There has to be something to connect one to another person, to keep us engaged with that person. The person might remind us in some way of another (transference) or things we like (look of their hands, clothes they wear, how neat, casual or sloppy they appear to be, how they respond to us or what we have to say), who knows what it is until it is discovered?

maybe one of the professional Ts around here can address this, but i don't believe this is the case at all. in psychodynamic/psychoanalytic therapy this may be true but i've not heard this to be the case with other types of t. altho i know yalom, an existential T, has said this as well. there are so many forms of T like family systems, cbt, person-centered, etc where i believe this doesn't come into play that much unless the client brings it up.

again, i have to disagree. what the OP is describing is transference and that is something to be worked through in therapy. it can almost be considered a tool of therapy and is not the same thing as a healthy attachment. i realize you didn't qualify if the attachment was healthy or not so maybe i misunderstood your intent. a healthy attachment is not something one would need to work through. my understanding is transference happens because of unhealthy childhood attachments.

also, i don't believe most clients develop transference altho i don't have any stats. this forum tends to attract people who are experiencing transference so what is common here is not necessarily the norm for therapy clients as a whole. i saw 4 female Ts all for a significant amount of time and never experienced transference but had healthy attachments with some. i did experience transference when i briefly saw a male T as that is where i had particularly unhealthy attachments as a child. having known lots of people who have been in T i can personally say i've never heard one of them mention having anything with their T that sounded like transference.

I have read it is the therapist/client allance that is the most important thing. I am not certain if alliance and attachment are synonymous. It is also somewhat frustrating that I have found no description of how to know if there is an alliance going on or not.