How to stop apologizing to T

I guess I keep apologizing for still being a nutcase. I apologize when I repeat old stories. I apologize when I ask for extra sessions. I apologize when my emotions get the best of me. I apologize that it's taking me so long to learn what she's trying to teach. I apologize for being disgusting. I apologize for calling her. I apologize for texting her. I apologize that I'm still seeing her 15 months later. I apologize for being whiney and self-indulgent. I apologize for being stupid. I apologize for depending on her too much. I apologize and apologize and apologize.

And my therapist keeps trying to reassure me that I don't have anything to apologize for but I can't help it.

Any suggestions?

I have no suggestions, but I can relate to this so well!

I apologized to T a bunch of times yesterday and he finally told me that I had nothing to apologize for, so I didn't need to do that. I started to say "I'm sor..." but managed to catch myself before I got the whole thing out.

want to sit in for me in my next session? T2 would never notice the difference....

seriously; part of it isn't true (whiney, self indulgent, disgusting, etc; you are not). No need to apologize because it's IS NOT so.

but some of it IS so; you DO wish you were done, or weren't dependent, or learned faster, or never let your control slip, & showed your emotions to her. It's all true. No need to apologize there because it just IS; it can't be helped. It's the process; T didn't invent it, you can't evade it. (I almost said can't escape it, but escaping is one thing, dodging is another.)

so between what ain't, and what is but can't be helped, can you find a more peaceful place? many hugs to you, I have a black belt in apology myself.

Sounds like a really bad habit? Have a teeshirt made and wear it to therapy? LOL

http://www.zazzle.com/i_apologize_in...53708539119907

when you work out how to stop doing it then please share it with me so I can!

I think a lot of it may be a bad habit. We are dealing with this problem with my youngest son for some reason. His brothers call it "turtling" because he actually seems to shrink into his clothes when he does it. It drives them up the wall. He's starting to do it a bit less now that it is being brought to his attention regularly. He's working on it. It is really hard to break habits like that.

I don't know but I say I'm sorry A LOT.

I used to do this. I do agree with farmergirl that it is a bad habit and the good thing about bad habits is you CAN break them and overcome them. It may take some time, but you can do it. Ask yourself if this is something you really need to say you're sorry for and probably most of the time the answer will be no and you can stop yourself and eventually you won't be doing it so much.

Part of what helped me break it is my therapist telling me to stop it and then I got worried I was irritating him so I learned to stop. I don't think it actually did irritate him, but I felt like it did.

I don't say it as often as I feel I should, but I still end up saying it WAY too often, so I'm in the group of those who would love an way to stop if anyone figures it out.

It's more than just a bad habit. It's feeling bad, I guess, about bothering T. I suppose if I am telling her how annoying I am and apologizing, then maybe I won't hear it from her.

When I'm apologizing to T, it's usually about trying to preempt any negative judgment she might randomly throw out there.

What I've started doing is telling her that I have the urge to apologize, without actually doing it. We look at what apologizing might accomplish. It's been helpful, though it's still pretty reflexive for me.

I was just trying to help. Maybe this is something you can work on in therapy.

I really appreciate your help. I need to get as much advice as possible. And I'm sure you and farmergirl are right - habitual behaviors DO get entrenched.

It sounds to me like you're already partially there. You know why you do it. Now work on changing the patterns that drive you to feel that way.

On some level you're aware that you're not annoying her, right? And even if you were the most annoying patient in the history of therapy (you're not), this is still her job to help you work through it.

I used to do this to my T all the time-and she would tell me all the time that there is nothing to be apologize about..but I kept doing it, so eventually she just started ignoring it-which in turn caused me to stop doing it so much. I still do it every so often-and she will do the same thing just ignore it.

Sky do you find you do this with others or is it unique to the relationship with T?

I completely relate to apologizing for anything and everything with T; and when I try not to it seems to make things worse for me somehow so I gave up and went back to apologizing for now.

Yeah, only with T. Sure, I'll apologize to others if I think I've done something wrong but I guess I depend on T so much that I think I'm going overboard which I would never do IRL.

My problem was exactly the opposite: how to stop blaming T.

A client of mine came up with this idea that they now use, after I had gotten on to her about the "I'm sorry". Now she replaces it with "I'm thankful". I'm thankful for the extra appointment, I'm thankful to be with you X months later, I'm thankful for being able to text, I'm thankful you allow me to talk about yucky feleings... etc. It was a pretty neat idea and worked well!

some responding to this thread have said
My T says, you have nothing to apologize for
T tells me to stop it
We look at why I do that

what if T never says anything in reply? is it fair to draw a conclusion from that? and if so, what would you make of it?

It is our apology; we apologize for our own reasons. If T does/does not respond and what T says, it is always okay to think about it and its meaning but also a good idea to check out one's conclusions with the person we're making conclusions about and/or to remember there are always at least two ways of looking at something, as we "do" and probably its opposite, at least.

If my T did not say anything, I would be inclined to think I did not apologize too much or incorrectly or that T didn't see it as something that needed talking about/addressing right now. But it also could be that T didn't notice (and I could/could not be apologizing "too much" -- says who though if the one I'm apologizing to doesn't mention it?).

For me, trying to re-assure someone with "you have nothing to apologize for" is a little like telling someone not to cry? If you feel you are apologizing too much then you are, if only for yourself and your own sensibilities! The other person can't help with that because they aren't in charge of or causing the apologies? If you want help from T to not apologize too much, you have to explain that you feel you do apologize more than you'd like to and ask if T will help point out when you are apologizing and stop it so you can get the knack of realizing what is going on with you that causes you to feel you have to apologize for it and/or to just learn to "shut up" instead of automatically apologizing.

I think we know when we have truly done something wrong, so worrying that one won't apologize when it is needed is probably not a legitimate worry? It then becomes just a lesson in how to tell when something is truly wrong and when we just think it is.

Oh man, if my T didn't reassure me, I'd be devastated. Is this what your T does?

I do this too and I have to make a conscience decision to STOP before I say it . Then i question if I truly have something to be sorry for . It takes practice, but if utilized over time it works.

I have a couple of friends who apologize all the time for stuff. It seems to me to be a way of protecting themselves but it can get annoying. Sometimes I ask what part they are apologizing for and they never seem to know. Maybe if you ask that to yourself it could help?

I agree.

I am the judge of whether I have anything to apologise for.

If you don't need this apology right now, save it for a time when I don't apologise.

Grrr!