[Chopin99]

Chopin,
Again I will tell you I do not do counseling via e-mail. You have misunderstood me if you believe that you are not worthy b/c of your bisexuality. Why would God want you to deny your true self? But my boundaries stand with the e-mail issue.
T

It's funny; it seems all will be well, once I get past this anger at her related to the email thing. It seems I don't understand what the boundary is. She once told me that she might have to tell me someday that I'm emailing too much, but it wouldn't be because she is angry, pissed, because she thinks I'm crazy, etc. but I read anger, or at least a modicum of being "irked" into the email.

Last week, I sent an email, asking a question not expecting a reply, and getting a response in which she apologized for not getting to it sooner (she replied within 4 hrs).

Maybe she's just reiterating her boundaries, but I feel like a scolded dog, as if I got popped in the nose with a newspaper. Last night I actually imagined punching her in the face!

Perhaps she feels 4 emails on an issue that she really cannot respond to adequately except in session is exactly the reason for that boundary. I read her as being firm with you, not so much as scolding but as assertive. You are rightfully angry with her, but that doesn't necessarily mean she feels the same way towards you. Could it be you are expecting confrontation with her so you are reading scolding into her email. Sometimes when people enforce boundaries, we interpret that as having our hands slapped. Hope you start feeling better. This must be excruciating for you.

[granite1]

wow that would be confusing.i know my T boundarys as far as e-mail and she will not budge so i am never confused about that.

do you think you may be worried that she may be angry so may be reading some of that fear into her responce.

as far as you misunderstanding what she said about your bisexuality,didn't she say that she felt that this was not how god intended us to be.i may be remembering wrong and i am sorry if i am.but if not that seems quite clear to me.

i hope her responce to you e-mailing was because i know you put a lot of stuff in your e -mail to her and maybe she was just saying that she couldnt respond to it all in an e-mail and wanted to let you know she would talk about it in session.just didnt say it well at all

[WePow]

Sending you very big hugs. Be honest when you see her next about what this has brought up for you.

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

...you believe that you are not worthy b/c of your bisexuality. Why would God want you to deny your true self?

I feel like I am poking the bear here, but did YOU say these things? Or is she putting words in your mouth? And what exactly is your beef with psychology or psychoanalysis or whatever? I mean, you ARE in therapy, but you reject the basis of the field? Then why do you go to psychotherapy, to get your hair curled? Honestly, not being funny, I just don't understand what you mean when you say you don't go for psychoanalysis. Do you reject concepts like repetition compulsion, and believe everything has its source only in the present? Because that's how I would account for your r/s with T, at least partly.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by hankster

I feel like I am poking the bear here, but did YOU say these things? Or is she putting words in your mouth? And what exactly is your beef with psychology or psychoanalysis or whatever? I mean, you ARE in therapy, but you reject the basis of the field? Then why do you go to psychotherapy, to get your hair curled? Honestly, not being funny, I just don't understand what you mean when you say you don't go for psychoanalysis. Do you reject concepts like repetition compulsion, and believe everything has its source only in the present? Because that's how I would account for your r/s with T, at least partly.

First statement, she's echoing my words. Second statement, she came up with herself.

My beef is not with psychology, it is with psychodynamic theory. I believe the therapy process involves not only processing feelings (which can lie), but also cognitions (in the manner of distorted thinking). The feelings and thinking is derived from the experiences of our early years, but we can only fix the present. I believe the therapeutic relationship is real. I don't believe in transference in the relationship other than the transference that occurs in ALL relationships. I don't believe the therapist should be a blank slate. Repetition compulsion, sure, we repeat patterns in our lives because they are familiar and known.

Chopin, I have been reading your threads-and I hope that you get some form of resolve on Thursday. Do you feel better knowing that your T said you may have misunderstood her? Sometimes our perception can get so clouded. I hope you can do some repair with her when you see her later in the week. If not, then perhaps you just need something different and that is OKAY. You are entitled to how you feel. As far as the actual tone of the email goes- It seems like she was just being "Firm" in her email, not angry. But, that is the problem with written communication- its hard to tell what someone means. Maybe she wont take email away, but just restrict you for a period of time. All you can do is see what happens and I hope everything goes well

[Perna]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Chopin, Again I will tell you I do not do counseling via e-mail. But my boundaries stand with the e-mail issue. T

Uh, Chopin, I think I get why you are angry? She replied by email saying she was not going to email?

"Again", I am going to bop you on the nose and then ignore what I am bopping you on the nose for and continue talking about what I just said I was not going to talk about. It is what my stepmother called, "getting the last word"? Why does T get to have them?

What would have been wrong with, "I'm sorry, Chopin, I do not do counseling via email. I hope you will bring these questions up during the next session. T"

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Perna

Uh, Chopin, I think I get why you are angry? She replied by email saying she was not going to email?

"Again", I am going to bop you on the nose and then ignore what I am bopping you on the nose for and continue talking about what I just said I was not going to talk about. It is what my stepmother called, "getting the last word"? Why does T get to have them?

What would have been wrong with, "I'm sorry, Chopin, I do not do counseling via email. I hope you will bring these questions up during the next session. T"

I like the way you said it better, Perna! However, T is kinda on the blunt side. Especially by email. Her emails always sound abrupt. "Again" because we have had this conversation before; via email and in person. Still pisses me off. I felt like I was in crisis. Thank God I have good friends and an H who helped me through. H agrees I emailed too much during the weekend and wants me to as T how I can cope (with his help or on my own).

[rockymtngal]

That's one of the dangers of e-mails. You can't hear the tone of voice or see the body language. I also believe she was being firm as well, but that's just IMHO. I think you may have to cut her some slack here. Doesn't she still have chemo brain? Not that you aren't allowed to feel your feelings...but just make sure you're reacting to the facts, not your perception through an e-mail which may be misconstrued-if that makes any sense.

Take care!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by rockymtngal

That's one of the dangers of e-mails. You can't hear the tone of voice or see the body language. I also believe she was being firm as well, but that's just IMHO. I think you may have to cut her some slack here. Doesn't she still have chemo brain? Not that you aren't allowed to feel your feelings...but just make sure you're reacting to the facts, not your perception through an e-mail which may be misconstrued-if that makes any sense.

Take care!

It does make sense, thanks for reminding me!

[Perna]

I still do not like the "Again", as if you didn't get it the first time or are slow :-) If she has that policy she has no business continuing to respond via email! From what I've read of this and other of your posts; I still think the two of you are personally incompatible and it will be lots harder working with this T than if you chose one that didn't have so many subtle ways that anger you so you wonder if it's you or Memorex

I was a mess and my T was calm and quiet and did not "fight" with me. All the little ways that we don't get along with a certain person can add up! I learned my "style" from my stepmother's and my relationship and it took a person wholly unlike my stepmother to, very slowly, get me out of that mess.

[Chopin99]

RMG, your post reminded me of some things. One thing people accuse me of all the time is reading too much into things. Also people accuse me of assuming the worst about the actions of others. So I tend to think negatively about things, then assign too much importance to them. I know that's what's happening here and I'm letting it go.

Perna, actually until the past week or so, T and I have gotten along fine. Our personalities mesh pretty well. She is not very "gentle" per se, but she challenges me to improve myself.

Sitting next to me on my hotel bed is Cloud and Townsend's book "Boundaries". I bought it a couple of weeks ago. I have poor boundaries myself; this is one thing T really wants me to work on (she was shocked when I told her I'd bought the book...she thought she'd already assigned it to me). I know what I'll be doing tonight after I get back from dinner!

[roads]

Since we hear it all from your POV, I'm going to give her the benefit of that exception and observe that one of you has a seriously lousy memory.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Since we hear it all from your POV, I'm going to give her the benefit of that exception and observe that one of you has a seriously lousy memory.

What exception are we giving her? She certainly has a lousy memory vis-a-vis chemo brain. What did I forget?

[roads]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

What exception are we giving her? She certainly has a lousy memory vis-a-vis chemo brain. What did I forget?

Exception of not being here to speak for herself.

But from your report of things, she can't keep her story straight re: bisexuality. That would concern me as much as it would anger me. Can she not remember what she told you, or does she not have a firm position?

What do you think--are your personal or professional assessments of her reassessing?

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

It's funny; it seems all will be well, once I get past this anger at her related to the email thing. It seems I don't understand what the boundary is. She once told me that she might have to tell me someday that I'm emailing too much, but it wouldn't be because she is angry, pissed, because she thinks I'm crazy, etc. but I read anger, or at least a modicum of being "irked" into the email.

There were better ways for her to say that. Eg:

"This is a big and important subject, and email is not strong enough to carry it. Please keep it for our next session. I will listen and I will not judge you. I embrace your anger."

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by Roadie

Exception of not being here to speak for herself.

Exception made. None of our T's can defend themselves here, mine included. I am not trying to disparage her in any way. I love the woman, but she's irking me right now.

Originally Posted by Roadie

But from your report of things, she can't keep her story straight re: bisexuality. That would concern me as much as it would anger me. Can she not remember what she told you, or does she not have a firm position?

What do you think--are your personal or professional assessments of her reassessing?

Personally, I'm not sure. She says she believes the Bible is the inerrant word of God, and the Bible says it's wrong. I'm unsure if she is merely conceding (out of respect for me, fear of losing me as a client, etc.), forgetting what she said about her own convictions (...need new T ASAP), or completely changing her mind, but I would suspect the first.

I don't care what she believes. She just needs to be open-minded and respect my POV about the issue. She is usually pretty open-minded in her therapy, but her conservatism has slipped out a few times. Nobody's perfect.

I'll give you a really funny POV about it; I was telling my H that people oftentimes judge others for traits/faults they find within themselves. H said that maybe T is actually a closet bi...she is pretty touchy-feely...LOL!!!!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

There were better ways for her to say that. Eg:

"This is a big and important subject, and email is not strong enough to carry it. Please keep it for our next session. I will listen and I will not judge you. I embrace your anger."

There are 87 different ways she could have expressed that sentiment better, but she is not likely to use any of them, especially via email. She ain't got it in her.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

"Again" because we have had this conversation before; via email and in person. Still pisses me off. I felt like I was in crisis.

This is something that ALWAYS pissed me off w/ my old T who wouldn't respond to emails or phone calls. While sometimes I reached out in moments when I coulda/shoulda handled things myself, there were a few moments when I was genuinely in crisis, and some of these owing to something that happened in the last session, like what happened with you. In these cases, the rigid rules are not helpful particularly when there was a confusion about what was said in session that is pushing us over the edge. Besides, how is one supposed to determine what is really crisis (a helpful skill for those of us who tend to catastrophize) if it's all or nothing? So, I can TOTALLY understand why it pisses you off. Particularly if Thurs' session ends up being her recalling that she did say those hurtful things. Sometimes I don't believe that Ts fully grasp how much they're saying can really affect us.

I'll be thinking about you on Thursday and though I'm sure I'll have other times to respond to your posts, please remember that if she isn't someone who can respectfully accept your bisexuality and be a safe space to discuss these issues YOU have done nothing wrong, YOU are not wrong, and it's OK if the relationship needs to end. It's not ending because YOU did something wrong.