Fired my T yesterday

Guess there's a bit of that going around.

During a conversation about being upset that a friend thought I was odd, my T indirectly told me she thinks I'm odd. Then says "I thought you took pride in being odd." Smooth. I didn't know that I was odd. Apparently, I am. The good news is that T reassured me that I don't LOOK odd. That was therapeutic.

Then, same session, I was talking about the PBS program This Emotional Life and said that I watched it but skipped the last episode, which is about happiness. T says this begs the question "don't you want to be happy?" ... In my best restrained anger, carefully chosen words manner I told her that I would question my desire for happiness if I thought I wasn't working towards happiness... but since the reality is that I've spent the last year in recovery from my alcoholism, quitting smoking, learning how to exercise and eat better, and going to therapy and meetings every week, (not to mention maintaining a respectable gpa in school while searching endlessly for a full time job) it was safe to say that I was trying pretty damn hard to put myself in a position to be happy. To which she responded "You don't think there's anything else you can do?" .... "Like go for a walk or meditate?" I replied (her two go to responses to stress).

I was/am very angry. I feel like she doesn't understand me. This is all happening within weeks of a conversation about how I don't feel I can trust her. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done. I'm done!!!

It was all I could do to not tell her off. Instead, I left her a surprisingly non-scathing voice-mail telling her that I no longer want therapy and to cancel my appointment.

I feel relieved that I don't have to go back, but I also feel disappointed and hurt that we've been working together for 14 months and we just don't seem to click.

And now I'm getting pissed that she's not contacting me. I don't even want her to contact me, I'm just being a child.

I don't think there's anything anyone can do.. I just need to vent. Thank you guys.

""Like go for a walk or meditate?" I replied (her two go to responses to stress)."
--oh, don't I know that one....My T harps on excercise in moments I want him to just CARE.

So sorry to read about your T's clumsiness...your T may care very much but is bumbling around trying to connect with you. I hope your T calls and tries to reel you in. Rupture and repair is the name of the game. Repair feels good...wait for it if you can.

Wow. I wonder what school your T learned etiquette from? That just sounds insulting and rude. What person wants to be called odd? The fact you were telling her it upset you someone thought that about you could have been her first clue that you didnt want to be
regarded as odd. I'm mentally ill and dont have a therapy license and could have figured that out.

Also, just because you didnt watch a tv show, you dont want to be happy.yeah i find most people with problems and in therapy are there because they DONT WANT TO GET BETTER. heaven knows i dont want to feel better, i just go once a week, spend money i cant
afford and work really hard and take all kinds of meds and read books and pray and try everything because i dont want to be happy .was she just trying to make you mad? Was she trying some weirdo reverse psychology or is she just seriously clueless about you and all of the human race? Seriously she sounds like a terrible fit for you. Maybe she is someone else' s cup of tea. Not mine. Hugs to you.

Early on yrs ago, my T said something similar, something about assuming I like all things Tim Burton (I do, but was annoyed at the assumption.) I think he was just getting to know me and at times he seemed to be groping for a way to connect. It is truly is bull-in-the-china-shop therapy. Thankfully, he found his way and is a great T.

If you feel like you are still "getting to know" your T (under 3yrs) she may just need to find her footing. Maybe she isn't a good fit if this is a constant habit, but it sounds like a therapy rupture that could be fixed. IMHO

Man, what is wrong with her? She sounds a little(!) hostile. Did she have a crush on you? Do you remind her of her ex-husband or something? I think SHE is odd! Sorry, man. This was bogus

being called odd would really trigger me. I can understand your wanting to quit. Desiring her to beg you not too is understandable too, however most t's won't contact after you quit...it's considered harassment or something.

I understand why you would feel bugged.....it sounds like T was clumsy and a bit oblivious or made a false assumption/perception that needs some correction. But I don't think she meant offense or was actually hostile.....
About the odd thing.....actually I have heard comments similar to that from both my past Ts, from the PA I saw and some in the hosp, that I 'liked the thought of being odd/eccentric/quirky and took pride in it/gloried in it'.....well, I guess I didn't like the way the 2nd part sounded. But then it was/is sort of true for me.....I do find a sort of pride in being quirky, marching to the beat of a different drum, being unconventional. However, some of them said it as if it was a sort of bad thing or a flaw or a problem I had.....and I don't think that's really true. 2nd T said it more as an observation and not a condemnation, and she didn't seem to think it was really a problem....it was just me being me..... The word 'odd' sometimes carries a negative connotation, but I don't think it necessarily has to.....
I hope your T does contact you and repair is possible, too......

I think we've all been there, haven't we? Who hasn't been told by this (or variations on it) by their Dr or T? It's such a frustrating thing to hear, because going for a walk or sitting cross legged and chanting 'omm' seem to be among THE most futile and pointless things ever, insulting, when you're deep in a depression and want answers and real solutions... having said that, there are real and valid reasons they suggest these things..

But, I get it. You're trying. And you think your T doesn't believe just how hard.

However, I don't think your T meant to upset or offend you. I think on both counts it was perhaps a case of clumsy wording/ miscommunication/ misunderstanding. What she said is open to interpretation... Only you know what your relationship with your T is like, how much you believe you 'click' or not, but it seems a shame to close the door on 14 months worth of work together based on what could, from an outside perspective, be chalked up to being an off day.

Be prepared that you may have to be the one to contact her, as galling as that may feel, because I think some Ts follow rules or policies that prevent their chasing you down and dragging you back to therapy

Your T had a clumsy day maybe, but it seems like her intentions were not to be hurtful. You were triggered and are angry. When things cool off give her a call (don't expect her to call you uninvited) and sit down and talk to her about what happened if you need to.

Lol!

But for the record, I did take pride in being odd.

What does "odd" mean. It is not a very specific word. If a friend called me that I would immediately ask what she meant. To me, one of the things it can mean is "unusual" (synonyms are "singular" and "funny" both of which I consider myself) and yes, I often pride myself on acting in an unusual fashion. If T picked up on that and wondered, "I thought you took pride in being odd" I would say, "Yes, I often strive to be singular or funny, sometimes "quaint" (another synonym) but don't like the synonym "peculiar", I hope you are not thinking I like being peculiar?" I would take the "You don't look odd" to mean I don't look peculiar (or "funny" in a negative sense :-)

Therapy is a conversation and you can't have a very good one only in your head with your own assumptions about another person and what they are thinking, meaning, trying to say, perhaps not very clearly or well such that they may need our help?

Therapy is stupid.

I'm still angry, in case you didn't gather that. I am having the worst week I've had in a while. There was a death in the family which brought some family baggage and secrets up for fresh air, my ex (we broke up less than a year ago after an intense relationship) just got engaged, and my head is so fixated on this drama I'm creating with my T that I can't focus on schoolwork and I've fallen completely behind. This is not going to be fun to clean up.

So, to clarify the odd thing.. My friend is in an Abnormal Psych class and as all abpsych students do, she decided to diagnose herself and her closest friends. She diagnosed me with Schizotypal Personality Disorder, which was a little surprising because I'd never heard of it. Apparently, one of the most prominent features of this disorder is looking and behaving oddly. When I told T this story I made it clear that I was offended to be called odd, which was when she (with a half smile) said "I thought you prided yourself on being odd." Yeah... I would have, I'm sure, had I KNOWN I was odd. But whatever. She then proceeds to go down the list of symptoms one by one, telling me that I don't have each one... except she leaves out the behaving oddly criteria. I picked up on it since I had just read the criteria earlier that day and she totally dodged the subject. The good news, as I stated in the original post, is that I don't look odd. Phew.

After cancelling with T I called my old T from way back when and made an appointment with her. I haven't seen her in about ten years and it was really nice to talk to her on the phone. She's pretty far away, about a two hour drive, but I'm going to make a day trip out of it and do some shopping and see some old friends. I feel like seeing my old T will be helpful because there's all of this stuff in my head that I can't tell my current T... I'm hoping I can tell old T so I can stop repeating the same crazy making drama where ever I go.

Cuz here's the thing... I think my T is clumsy. I wish she knew me better than she does, I wish she had more compassion, I wish she'd f'ing call me... but ultimately, I'm the one who put myself in this position. From day one I've been avoiding intimacy with her. Even if she is a crappy T... I can't actually blame her for not knowing me better when I was the one hiding.

The bottom line is that I don't think I can say all of that to T. This is an opportunity for me to work through some trust and abandonment issues... I just don't know if I can do it with the T I just fired.

But I still miss her.

I don't know if she's into women but I really hope I don't remind her of her ex-husband!! That aside, she is a little nutty, though. Who knows. I likely won't know unless I can gather the courage to call her in the AM and try to schedule a new appointment. Ugh...

how you doing today ChildOfYen?

I quit and go back all the time because, although I feel better right after quitting (unfettered, free, not trapped, a way to end the frustration, and because it is so absolutely effing stupid), within a couple of days I feel sort of sad and off kilter about it and possibly that could include missing the t perhaps. So I call back and make an appointment and we go on. Sometimes I go back and rage (this does not really faze the t so I do not worry about it) or express frustration and list her many failings (this does not faze her either although sometimes she will apologize) and so forth.
The thing is, I realize I can do something about feeling sad or off or missing the therapist and if I let myself at least try to fix it, then I feel better. I figure if it fails then I was right in the first place and go on triumphantly over that at least, and if it does not fail (I make the appointment and go back and feel not sad or, no matter how improbably this is, not missing her) I feel better.(so far it has not failed)
CoY -you could call her and think of it as a gift to yourself that could make you feel better. And you could go in and rail at her for what you perceive she did if it might help you. You can have some control over this situation. I hope it is going well for you.

Sending you very big safe hugs.

That's a good insight and a very mature attitude. You should do well!

Clumsiness isn't usually permanent. I really think she is trying to find a way to connect and doesn't know how. I hope a day or two helps bring you together.

Thank you everyone for your support. I've needed it this week.

This is how I've felt, Stopdog. I felt like I could finally relax when I called and quit... but then the anxiety and terror set in and I didn't feel better until I called and asked for another appointment.

My T gave my original appointment time away so I have to wait until next week. That's okay. I had called and cancelled with plenty of notice specifically so she could fill the slot. But even still, I'm disappointed that she didn't seem desperate to see me.

In related news, I have my first appointment with my old T on Thursday. Now I feel like I'm cheating. But I need to find a way to learn to open up, otherwise I'll just be recreating this chaos in all of my relationships for the rest of my life. I think it's time for me to move on and I hope my old T can help me sort through this mess I'm making of myself. All I want is to be healthy, I just don't know how.

That's exactly it.. I just want her to care. I want someone else to see how tragic it is that I want so badly to get well but can't seem to stop getting in my own way. Maybe I want her to feel as powerless as I feel. But that would suck since then she would probably refer me out and I'm terrified of losing her.

On the contrary, I was pleased to hear this; you are reaching out for advice from someone you know you can trust. This is a good thing, it's not "cheating". I hope this meeting is helpful for you.