Triggered by t in yesteday's session

I think I mentioned in an earlier post that my t delivered what I felt to be a harsh comment when she compared one of my behaviors with that of my father. Consequently I have been focusing on that comment and now I have had a csa memory surface that I am not sure I want to deal with.

I don't know how to handle this with my t. I don't want to pay for an extra session just to confront her with this. I am not even sure if perhaps she wanted me to go in this direction. I must admit I was being quite obstinate with the fact that I am perfectly fine with all of my behaviors, positive or negative. Now I have to mull over this for two weeks, and I am concerned that more memories will surface. I considered emailing but I don't know how to express my feelings over this. I did journal my thoughts, but I will probably erase these.

Has anyone else had negative memories surface after a session with your t, and how did you handle it?

Thanks,
Bluemountains

Blue, why are you in therapy if you don't want to deal with what is causing you pain? I feel like you are saying T pointed out you are bleeding and it looks to be the same location you've told her your father bleeds from and you look down and see you'd been stabbed and are pissed you might have to deal with whether your father stabbed you or you stabbed yourself? You're bleeding! That's not "fine!"

The great thing about being triggered by T (and not someone else) is that you can take it back to them.

Investigating triggers is a excellent therapeutic technique.

True. It's what I'm doing right now. However, I will tell you, it is not easy.

True dat.

I tkink I'm going to send an email while I'm brave enough to do so.
Bluemountains

Go for it.

Okay, I sent the email, and of course I will regret it, but you can't take them back! I know that she won't read it until Monday because she keeps her family time sacred, as she should. At least this should take my mind off of the triggered memories I have been dealing with.

I don't think I mentioned that avoidance has always been my defense system throughout my life. My t says it has served me well, but I do need to deal with my past. Perna, you are right with your analogy on the bleeding.

Bluemountains

Oops, didn't mean to send that email! I know it will be read tomorrow morning and I wouldn't send it if it were now, a few hours before t will read my question about her comparison.

I've given this a lot of thought this weekend, and decided that I probably had indeed frustrated my t, and now I have gone and stirred the pot again! I know I don't have to second-guess my t because I pay her to do a job, but I really don't like confrontation of any sort, even if this time it will probably end up being with my own feelings.

With all of the support that all of you have offered and to answer your question, yes I do want to heal, but I'm not sure I'm ready yet to face the past-this is what I think my t wants me to do. She has said that I must confront the past if I want to heal, but she usually lets me set my own pace.

I'll let you know how it turns out-right now I am ready to schedule another appointment tomorrow just to get this all behind me, but with my luck she won't have any time available.

On a side note, I go to the pdoc tomorrow, so maybe she can give me a drug that will calm me down.

Bluemountains

This is good. This is how your issues get resolved. The pot has to be stirred!

My t responded to my email bright and early, and I ended up at therapy today. I couldn't process the thought of being compared to my father. She cleared up the fact that I am bipolar and I have to watch for behaviors that bipolar people have (like my father) such as abusing alcohol when hypomanic/manic. this doesn't mean that I will act in in the same way as him. (fortunately I didn't get his "monster" gene)
We then went into the csa and ptsd-I have a long way to go in order to heal there, as I found out today. I am glad I got all of my feelings out, and was able to accomplish some positives. When I am ready, I should go back to journaling about the abuse. I find this so hard because when memories surface I have such a rough time processing. The first time a new memory surfaced, I had no idea this could happen and was in tears for days. Does anyone have any advice for gentle processing?

Also, the pdoc appointment went well. I am going off abilify and on lamictal, this should be a better long-term stabilizer according the pdoc. Also, it doesn't promote weight gain, yeah, I get depressed when going near a scale these days.

Bluemountains