[granite1]

trigger for SI and for being very long I'm sorry


OMG OMG OMG. the things that went through my head as i sat in that chair.it felt so wrong.first she had it pushed way away from her almost like it was in the corner.i felt she didn't want me any-wear near her and wanted me in the corner.i don't know why.that set me off and i just felt horrible.


she asked me what i have been up to the past two weeks but i couldn't answer i swear i was beating myself up trying to figure out what i did to be shoved in the corner.again after a long silence i think she asked if i herd her and i said i was just hanging out.she asked if i was happy and i kind of shrugged.she said NO your not are you?i shrugged again,she asked what i need to be doing to be happy? i got so instantly angry at me.she seemed so angry at me. i felt in the corner and that she was mad i was not going out and happy.so many horrible thoughts were running through my head i just ran and hid in my thoughts.she asked if i herd her again and said something about me opening my mouth and what was that about she asked again what was going through my head.i found my words some and blurted out what went through my head at that moment.my words were " just sarcastic horrible things that i don't feel need to be said at all ,i cant see why" i think i shocked her.she just looked at me and said all that.i was so angry i blurted out exactly what was going through my head so she could see it was nothing of any consequence.

i told her that when she asked what i needed to be doing to make myself happy that my thoughts took over and screamed...my words were..."you need to stop being a miserable,horrible,reached,disgusting ,spoiled brat,that makes everything about her all the time.then maybe i would be happy"she said WOW.i truly completely detached after that so i am trying to remember everything she said because it was confusing.no way i was saying any more

she listed the reasons i needed to say what was going on in my head i need to remember some
1.now i am not alone.
2. she knows what i am thinking
3.i am no longer giving that thought strength by keeping it in my head because now it is shared with her and we are 2
there may have been more but i don't remember at all

she then said that it seems to come from the part of me that is so so angry.god i wish i could remember all of what she said but i was doing everything i could to stay grounded.she said that she finds it interesting that i turn all this in on myself and i don't deserve it.i guess i was making horrible faces because at one point she said WOW you really hate that person and you don't believe a word I'm saying.do you?i just shrugged again.

OMG OMG OMG then she asked if i am still cutting myself and my world just crashed into a million self loathing little pieces.i never thought she would ever ask me that.i was devastated and didn't believe she asked me that.waves of terror ripped through every part of my body .i was scared.i just asked WHAT?and she sat back in her chair and repeated the question DO YOU STILL CUT YOURSELF?.the shame was awful.and i whispered sometimes.i was so waiting for her to say if I'm doing that i can't work with you.or wanting to put me in the hospital,or being repulsed by me.or be angry.any one of the million fears that were able to run through my head in the minute it took her to respond.

she said that is all the self hate that you turn in on yourself ,and the anger...I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE IS TALKING TO ME ABOUT THIS i want to hide so bad i want to crawl under her rug and die.she said something about being so angry at that part that i need to hurt myself and possibly wish that that part would die i cant believe she is speaking my words.i want her to stop .do T speak your words EVER.is she suppose to do this.isn't it a boundary thing.was she wrong to do this.she was so right in what was going on inside me though. how did she know i was SIing.is she reading here??she kept talking and i so wanted her to stop what she was saying hurt i don't remember much more about what she said but i know she was talking but i wanted her to stop.

she then asked me if i knew how to stop all this?? i looked at her for probably the second time and asked how>she then smiled and said what would it be like for you if i said it was 5:45 and we needed to stop for todaykind of strange but i said it would be OK.she said no it would be mean and then she said the way to stop these thoughts is with compassion and she said we can talk about that next week and asked if i was going to come back and i said i guess so,got up and ran out of the office.she said something but i didn't hear her.

my fears
i don't want her to know i SI i never did WHY did i say yes
she has to be disgusted by me
she will say i can't see her anymore next week
she will want me to talk about it
i am going to freak out all week,nightmares and all that
she will hate me for sure now

i believe i only managed about 3 sentences but so much was said and I'm terrified

Why do you think she would be disgusted with you?

I SI and I doubt you're disgusted with me are you? It's something she deals with and will be able to help you with. I think you did good opening up a little. I know it might not seem like much, but you got a little bit out.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

Why do you think she would be disgusted with you?

I SI and I doubt you're disgusted with me are you? It's something she deals with and will be able to help you with. I think you did good opening up a little. I know it might not seem like much, but you got a little bit out.

thanks for responding roseleigh i am feeling so disgusting right now i just need to know that people are still willing to have something to do with me.i have just about abandoned everyone in real life because i am having such a hard time .and now I'm terrified y T is going to leave also.i'm not disgusted by you at all BTW

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by granite1

she then asked me if i knew how to stop all this?? i looked at her for probably the second time and asked how> and then she said the way to stop these thoughts is with compassion

awesome post, granite, you are so poetic. I bet my t's would love for me to take a page from your book and go for quality, not quantity of words for a change. well too bad for them, they're stuck with me. but you and your T did incredible work today, completely in tandem. perfect partners.

[BonnieJean]

granite, i'm sorry it was such a difficult session for you. As much as you are reeling now, it was a good thing to have come up. It sounds like your t pays close attention to you and tries to figure out how you're feeling. Mine does that too. She has an idea of what you're going thru and I don't see any reason she would think less of you.

You're a very kind hearted person, granite. I just wish you could see it in yourself and not be so so so hard on yourself all the time and beating yourself up.

[Chopin99]

Granite, darlin, she's not judging you, she's helping you. It's a good thing you got a little out today, but I understand why you feel the way you do.

I, for one, do not think you are disgusting, and I'm not leaving you! I just know it's hard.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

You're a very kind hearted person, granite. I just wish you could see it in yourself and not be so so so hard on yourself all the time and beating yourself up.

Roseleigh, I want you to take heed to your own words. You are a worthy person. I hate seeing you down all the time too!

[granite1]

Originally Posted by hankster

awesome post, granite, you are so poetic. I bet my t's would love for me to take a page from your book and go for quality, not quantity of words for a change. well too bad for them, they're stuck with me. but you and your T did incredible work today, completely in tandem. perfect partners.

i bet your words speak volumes.i know they do for me hankster.thanks for what you said.most of that was my T words and my thoughts i realy didn't say much at all

[granite1]

Originally Posted by roseleigh7

You're a very kind hearted person, granite. I just wish you could see it in yourself and not be so so so hard on yourself all the time and beating yourself up.

i agree with chopin you are a beautiful person

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

Granite, darlin, she's not judging you, she's helping you. It's a good thing you got a little out today, but I understand why you feel the way you do.

I, for one, do not think you are disgusting, and I'm not leaving you! I just know it's hard.

i never wanted her to know i SI and i'm beating the crap out of myself sor responding to that .i'm scared that she will try to take that away from me.i don't think she said anything about making me stop though.i'm just so terrified about what the fallout is going to be for this

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by granite1

i never wanted her to know i SI and i'm beating the crap out of myself sor responding to that .i'm scared that she will try to take that away from me.i don't think she said anything about making me stop though.i'm just so terrified about what the fallout is going to be for this

I'm sorry granite. Maybe if she does work with you on it she'll try to get you to replace it with a healthier behavior.

I'm not bragging, but I stopped SI about six years ago by sheer willpower. I was a headbanger, against walls, floors, with my hands. I am amazed I still function as well as I do. As much as I used to do it, I'm sure I've lost a few IQ points!!

I think the fallout will be that she will try to help you. Please let her help you!

[mixedup_emotions]

((((( granite ))))

I care SO much about you. You know that, right?

And here's something to know about me.....I have SI'd....and I still have the urges to SI....and I still 'emotionally SI'......

And, just the other day, when I was going through this whole jealousy issue....I mentally took that part of me....that little girl that sits by herself in the corner who is needy and wants love....THAT is the little girl in me that feels the jealousy....I mentally took that part of me out and stabbed her and tore her to shreds, HATING her for having needs and wanting to be loved and for feeling jealous.....

I hope that knowing this about me doesn't make you care about me any less or think any less of me.....I am struggling to find my way - and you are too. It's ok.

((((( HUGS ))))

[velcro003]

oh granite! i have so much to digest from this thread, that i probably will keep coming back and responding to things

#1: You did AWESOME. I know you didn't want your T to know about the SI, but granite the reason you said yes was that tiny part of you that desperately, desperately wants T's help in making you heal. I am SO glad that part came out.

#2: The first thing I thought of when you said the chair was pushed away from you, how you felt ashamed and disgusting sitting in the corner. One thing I've noticed about your artwork is that the girl is always curled up in a corner. These two things must be related.

#3: I highly doubt your T is going to change her mind and decide to kick you out next session. She even checked with you to make sure you WERE coming back. Same with the SI stuff, no one can make you stop. She may have a different way of dealing with it than you like...but she can't make you stop it, nor do I think she would use that as an ultimatum.

#4: Your T is awesome. I am really glad you wrote this stuff down so you can re-read it later. Someone said that your T pays close attention to you, and I believe it. No, she didn't cross any boundaries by guessing what was going on in your head--she knows some about your past, and sees your verbal and mostly non-verbal behaviors in therapy. How does it feel to see somebody truly understand and accept your "ugly" thoughts? She didn't get mad when you revealed some of them. She saw what we all see, the amount of hatred you have for yourself. It is sad, but not something that your T will be angry about at you. FOR you maybe, but not at you.

you keep on doing such great work. i am so proud!

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

i am feeling so disgusting right now i just need to know that people are still willing to have something to do with me.

((granite))

[karebear1]

OMG Granite..... I am in awe of you girl! You did good, good work today. I know earlier you were afraid to even go to therapy- and you went. Then, as hard as it was, you spoke and you spoke honestly. What integrity you have! You could've lied, but you told the truth.

Somewhere inside- maybe deep, deep down inside- doesn't it make you feel good that although you've said very few words in therapy, T knows you well enough to tell you what you are thinking. I believe that would make me feel like I was special to her. That we were connected in some way. Do you feel connected to her Granite?

I am so proud of you again! (((((((((Granite)))))))))

[googley]

((((((((((((Granite)))))))))))

She wont think you are disgusting or not want to work with you. I think is is awesome that you were able to share all this with her. That is a major step and you should be proud of yourself, and I am sure your T is proud of you too for you being able to share. I am so proud of you for being able to share so much today. Being scared is okay. Going back is what is important.

[FourRedheads]

Lots of safe hugs, Granite.

You are not disgusting or awful. Your T is helping you. I know it hurts; I feel the pain in your post. I feel it too and worry my T thinks I am so gross and hating myself.

Granite, your writing is beautiful. Your emotion comes out so well.

[rainbow8]

I agree with all the posts. You are not disgusting at all, granite. Your session may have been difficult for you, but your T is trying to help you. She wants you to come back. She cares about you and will not abandon you. You're going to be all right. I know that.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by granite1

i never wanted her to know i SI

She needs to know and you were right to tell her.
I think this shows that subconsciously, you trust her more than you think you do.
The subconscious can be a very good judge of character.

Sorry, that sounds like a lecture. Let me give you a hug instead.

[bluemountains]

(((((granite1)))))
I know she sees you for how wonderful, kind and caring you are!
Bluemountains

[granite1]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I'm sorry granite. Maybe if she does work with you on it she'll try to get you to replace it with a healthier behavior.

I'm not bragging, but I stopped SI about six years ago by sheer willpower. I was a headbanger, against walls, floors, with my hands. I am amazed I still function as well as I do. As much as I used to do it, I'm sure I've lost a few IQ points!!

I think the fallout will be that she will try to help you. Please let her help you!

thanks for sharing this with us chopin.you have worked so hard .did you have someone teaching you different coping methods or is this something you did on your own.i guess i want to know did you have people who helped you?

[granite1]

Originally Posted by velcro003

oh granite! i have so much to digest from this thread, that i probably will keep coming back and responding to things

#1: You did AWESOME. I know you didn't want your T to know about the SI, but granite the reason you said yes was that tiny part of you that desperately, desperately wants T's help in making you heal. I am SO glad that part came out.

#2: The first thing I thought of when you said the chair was pushed away from you, how you felt ashamed and disgusting sitting in the corner. One thing I've noticed about your artwork is that the girl is always curled up in a corner. These two things must be related.

#3: I highly doubt your T is going to change her mind and decide to kick you out next session. She even checked with you to make sure you WERE coming back. Same with the SI stuff, no one can make you stop. She may have a different way of dealing with it than you like...but she can't make you stop it, nor do I think she would use that as an ultimatum.

#4: Your T is awesome. I am really glad you wrote this stuff down so you can re-read it later. Someone said that your T pays close attention to you, and I believe it. No, she didn't cross any boundaries by guessing what was going on in your head--she knows some about your past, and sees your verbal and mostly non-verbal behaviors in therapy. How does it feel to see somebody truly understand and accept your "ugly" thoughts? She didn't get mad when you revealed some of them. She saw what we all see, the amount of hatred you have for yourself. It is sad, but not something that your T will be angry about at you. FOR you maybe, but not at you.

you keep on doing such great work. i am so proud!

what can i say thanks so much for posting this,believe it you are helping me remember some of the stuff my T said to me as i read this.she said the same thing about help she said she sees a part of me that wants her help and has hope.

i didn't really look at her asking me if i am coming back next week as her letting me know she wanting me to come back.that would be so nice if that was what she was doing and it completely went over my head

i hope she never uses my SI as an ultimatum because i am real bad at choosing the most destructive side of an ultimatum.

my T said the same thing about how much i despise me.she said that she thinks that is is so sad that i feel this way so strongly.i had forgotten she had said that .it was such a nice thing for her to say so much the thoughts that run through my head don't even allow me to hear or see these things.it kind of sucks

yes she is very attuned to what my body is doing during T.i hate it it drives me nuts.sometimes i want to hide because of it.like i didn't even know i was opening my mouth,and other times she will ask what was going through you mind when you made that face and stuff like that.most times i don't want her to even be looking at me

[WikidPissah]

((((granite)))) I know this is so scary for you...letting someone else in just a little is huge. It's good she knows how much you hate yourself and about the si, this way she can think of things to help. You are not gross and disgusting, and I never have thought one bad thing about you.

[granite1]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

((granite))

thanks cant

Originally Posted by karebear1

OMG Granite..... I am in awe of you girl! You did good, good work today. I know earlier you were afraid to even go to therapy- and you went. Then, as hard as it was, you spoke and you spoke honestly. What integrity you have! You could've lied, but you told the truth.

Somewhere inside- maybe deep, deep down inside- doesn't it make you feel good that although you've said very few words in therapy, T knows you well enough to tell you what you are thinking. I believe that would make me feel like I was special to her. That we were connected in some way. Do you feel connected to her Granite?

I am so proud of you again! (((((((((Granite)))))))))

i think my T knowing what is going on in my head and my SI is terrifying but you guys are all helping me keep things real and seeing things in a differnt way as i think about all this.i never saw it as a connection to her but i was floored that she was saying the things that she was saying.i wanted her to stop because it was so humiliating.i think i feel differnt now.

Originally Posted by googley

((((((((((((Granite)))))))))))

She wont think you are disgusting or not want to work with you. I think is is awesome that you were able to share all this with her. That is a major step and you should be proud of yourself, and I am sure your T is proud of you too for you being able to share. I am so proud of you for being able to share so much today. Being scared is okay. Going back is what is important.

today i am tired and wanting to hide in my room again.all of this is a lot to take in but i am trying to see things as being ok.i dont want to think about what it is going to be like to go back next week.a big part right now wants to call monday and cancel.

Originally Posted by FourRedheads

Lots of safe hugs, Granite.

You are not disgusting or awful. Your T is helping you. I know it hurts; I feel the pain in your post. I feel it too and worry my T thinks I am so gross and hating myself.

Granite, your writing is beautiful. Your emotion comes out so well.

thanks FRH i'm sorry you are struggling with the same sort of feelings.most of what i wrote are my T words.and my thoughts

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I agree with all the posts. You are not disgusting at all, granite. Your session may have been difficult for you, but your T is trying to help you. She wants you to come back. She cares about you and will not abandon you. You're going to be all right. I know that.

thanks rain i can't believe i shared what was running through my head and i see that i am here today to look at things in a differnt light .that i am ok and the world didnt crash around me.YET

Originally Posted by bluemountains

(((((granite1)))))
I know she sees you for how wonderful, kind and caring you are!
Bluemountains

thanks bluemountains you are so sweet.