I bolted from therapy 6 weeks ago. I have interviewed a new T and that was okay. But I went back to see my xT...to talk about what happened.... what I need.... to see if we should work together again.

I asked if he would tell me what he thought I should have for goals... He said he thought I had one main goal to work on and that was to learn to trust someone.... I said that was too vague and he said oh we could talk about steps to trusting...as smaller goals to reach the main goal...

He said he realized that talking to me about trust was like trying to describe the color red to a blind person... He said we could talk about what trust looks like...

What does trust look like to you?

[stopdog]

I can't describe trust. But most of what I read and people try to tell me certainly fits that red to a blind guy thing with me being the blind guy. I look forward to reading the responses.

[Asiablue]

Trust is open, honest, light,trust doesn't act out in fear nor hides in shadows. Trust is loving and strong and whole-hearted.

It's easier to feel trust that know what it looks like i think. Good question tho!

[critterlady]

It's when you truly believe, even know, that the other person won't hurt you, either physically or emotionally. It's when you know the other person has your best interest at heart. It's when you know that the other person will be there for you and support you. When the other person will do what they say they will.

I think nearly everyone has some level of trust in them. You'd never leave the house or drive a car or walk across a road otherwise. You'd assume that everyone out there is actively trying to kill you.

[healed84]

I have NOOOOOO clue.. It is sad really.. I really wish I knew what it looked like and how to do it. We will hop in the same boat together, and learn. Hopefully!

I think trust is about me being able to be vulnerable and open to others regardless of the chance that I might be hurt or wounded in the process. It's about me being able to take the first step without expecting assurances or a written contract that no one will hurt me . . . it's about me being courageous and fearless in the face of possible hurt.

It's about me being able to truly believe that even though I'm opening up and being vulnerable, I'm not waiting for the other shoe to fall because I believe deep down inside that no one is trustworthy and he/she is going to turn on me and make mince meat out of me. It's about me taking the chance of being shamed or humiliated because I really want to connect and be part of the human race. .. It's about me not angsting about whether or not my decision to go out on a limb is going to "go wrong". It's about me believing deep in my gut that my decision to trust is going to lead to warmth and acceptance. I think it's about me believing that there are more good people in the world than there are bad. And this is a VERY VERY hard journey for me.

[sconnie892]

This is a really tough question! But it's a great question!

I read on a blog once that "Trust is an action based on love."

That's really stuck with me as a good way to view trust. (By love, I believe the blog's author meant a respectful "do no harm to a fellow human being" type love.)

I guess in terms of t, I trust that she "loves" me in the sense that she has my best interests at heart and she demonstrates that through the actions in our sessions. Sometimes that "love" means pushing hard or being brutally honest because that is what is in my best interest at the time. Sometimes it means providing the soft landing when I am emotionally crashing. In return, I demonstrate "love" (trust) of t by being honest, working towards opening up, and by respecting the boundaries of the therapy relationship.

I am starting to find the same is true in other relationships also. When I am having a hard time trusting someone it is because either my or their actions were not based on love (or in some cases I mistakenly perceive their actions weren't based on love). I suppose the same also applies when I am having a difficult time trusting myself. That is when my actions toward myself aren't based on love of myself.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by critterlady

It's when you truly believe, even know, that the other person won't hurt you, either physically or emotionally.

It's not quite as clean as that. It's knowing that a person won't hurt you deliberately without a good reason, and that they won't like hurting you.

It's not about never being rough with each other. It's about agreeing (largely implicitly) how rough you are going to play, and knowing that if you say, "Stop that! It hurts!", the other person really will stop.

My complaint against Bad Facilitator was not so much that he played too rough, but that he ignored me when I said he played too rough. He never attempted to moderate his behaviour to what I considered to be the inviolable heart of good manners.

I used to think a good relationship was one in which we never hurt each other. I now believe a good relationship is one where we can talk about hurt and try to avoid it in future, yet forgive accidental injuries.

Trust means, if they stand on your foot, you know they're being clumsy, not malicious or callous. And when you point it out, they'll get off and apologise. (I had this conversation with my T, but I'm not sure she agreed.)

[SpiritRunner]

to me, trust comes when I feel safe with someone....but I think I see trust in different levels. I may trust someone to do their job well/be honest, etc, I may trust someone with responsibility or with my property....but to trust someone with my heart, that is another level altogether.....because it is hard for me to feel like it's safe to open my heart or very much of it. I trust some people with some things......but I trust very few people, if any at all, with the full/deep vulnerability of my heart.
It's a long slow process for me, if it does happen, usually....someone proves over time that they consistently have regard for my thoughts and feelings and they are willing to communicate and be honest and real....
I trusted my first T that way, somehow, with the fullest depth of my heart.....she said herself in one session toward the end that she was aware I had trusted her more than I had trusted most anyone ever probably. And I did. Why did I trust her/what did that look like? I felt safe with her.....not because she was perfect and never hurt me....but because her concern and compassion seemed so deep and true and real and because I felt like she was a kindred spirit and truly understood/accepted me. Basically, I trusted her because I loved her, though.....and I have deeply loved few people, too. I cannot say I deeply love my H that way even, or trust him deeply to be careful with my heart, though he does love me, I know....
Ending up now with a deep hurt from the way T1 handled the end makes me feel like one of the fullest trusts I ever gave was betrayed.....and I feel a lot more wary trusting too deeply again. Yet I try, because I want the connection trust/love brings, so I take a deep breath and try.....

[Elli-Beth]

Truly trusting my T took me just over a year. To me, it means it feels safe to open up to him about things without fear of him reacting badly. I'm still scared to talk about things, but it's not because of him- he's the only one I can imagine talking to about this stuff. That's my round about definition of trust, I guess...

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Trust means, if they stand on your foot, you know they're being clumsy, not malicious or callous. And when you point it out, they'll get off and apologise. (I had this conversation with my T, but I'm not sure she agreed.)

I like this def. My mother has this thing where if I get too close, she "accidentally" stabs me with her fingernails. So trust begins with being close enough to the person where they reach your foot to step on it. I don't let mother get that close anymore. T now steps on my foot at the end of every session to keep me from leaving too soon!

[Perna]

To me, trust looks like doing something that frightens me and having someone there cheering me on and coaching me along the way; taking a chance on something and having it turn out okay, no matter how it turns out (I'm thinking of my husband's trust in my judgment). It is not about winning or having a good outcome, or the outcome one wants but about the companionship along the way joining with me to form a bridge forward. It looks like all the good books and movies you've ever seen, the ones with the "happy" endings

[KazzaX]

Wow according to this thread, I trust everyone I have ever met. Nice, lol. I am a really, really trusting person. Cool finally something nice about myself

[tkdgirl]

Wow this thread made me realize I can't really define trust. For me it seems to have to do with giving up some kind of control or power to another person. Beyond that I'm not really sure I know what it looks like and I definately am not in a trusting state right now.

[learning1]

I don't think there's such a thing as total trust or perfect trust, but rather, many levels and variations of trust.

[SoupDragon]

This is something that I am also baffled by. I either trust people totally and get abused or won't let anyone near me - I don't know how to do it and keep myself safe. My T says it has to do with boundaries and maybe trust isn't about trusting one person with everything, but knowing whih bits of us we can trust with who. I think it may also be about robustness, so that if that trust is betrayed, we are still OK with ourselves. Soup

[ColourBars]

Dictionary Definition:

trust |trəst|
noun
1 firm belief in the reliability, truth, ability, or strength of someone or something : relations have to be built on trust | they have been able to win the trust of the others.
• acceptance

For me: Trust isn't free. It's something that has to be earned. A lot of what other people said I agree with. How you feel comfortable being with the other person and feel free to open up and show a part of yourself you may not be comfortable or scared to show to others.

Trust between me and my T? I know I can trust him when he's there to "slap me in the face", drag my *** back to reality or take a beaten from my relentlessness angry pillow throwing.

Trust is different for everyone.

[roads]

Originally Posted by critterlady

I think nearly everyone has some level of trust in them. You'd never leave the house or drive a car or walk across a road otherwise. You'd assume that everyone out there is actively trying to kill you.

You're so right about this, critterlady, & it's amazed me for decades how much blind trust the average person walks out with into the world each day. It's when this trust is violated, repeatedly, over time, that we become forced into becoming distrustful, and eventually--perhaps--paranoid people.

If you've become distrustful, you've probably developed ways of keeping people at a distance. Little ways of testing people, to see whether they're worthy. Some of your tests may be things that pretty nearly no one can pass. Just a suggestion: You may want to make sure an average person can pass your tests

The thing is, we so often require a person to earn our trust ... this is not the person who violated and lost our trust but we treat this person--our therapist, for example--as if they have "done us wrong" and must now prove they are worthy.

Once we've had trust issues with anyone, our standards relating to trust seem to escalate for everyone. I don't think it's fair--but I think that's the way it is.

Roadie

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by Roadie

The thing is, we so often require a person to earn our trust ... this is not the person who violated and lost our trust but we treat this person--our therapist, for example--as if they have "done us wrong" and must now prove they are worthy.

Once we've had trust issues with anyone, our standards relating to trust seem to escalate for everyone. I don't think it's fair--but I think that's the way it is.

Roadie

I am not sure I see how fairness fits into it. First, therapists know most people who come to see a therapist have some difficulty and they still chose to do the job of being a therapist. Secondly, the reason a therapist must prove they are trustworthy is because of how the game is set up. A client is supposed to go in, tell the therapist all sorts of horrible things about themselves, with no reciprocity like in a real relationship. The therapist absolutely must prove step by step that they are worthy of that information. It is not always blaming the therapist for past situations where trust was violated. Going in and trusting a total stranger without some assurance of safety or working up to levels of safe trusting is simply dangerous.

[Perna]

One cannot prove they are trustworthy except by our trusting them in the first place to see; and, even then, they prove they were trustworthy in that one instance.

All that keeps coming to mind is that with people I trust (and trust comes relatively easy for me), there is a sense of safety.

[lostmyway21]

My T once told me, "No one can hurt our relationship, I promise that." That's what my trust in him looks like.

Originally Posted by Perna

One cannot prove they are trustworthy except by our trusting them in the first place to see; and, even then, they prove they were trustworthy in that one instance.

This made me think of something my T. said a while ago that really wasn't surrounding our trust discussion. He told me a story of his dad in the military...that his dad didnt just blow his money on shore leave and all his buddies knew it so they would come to him to ask to borrow money... He said sometimes they would ask for $20 (which back then was a lot of money) but he would give them $5...if they repaid that then maybe the next time he would give them $10... to see if they were truely $20 trustworthy... and that sometimes until you get to know someone you need to trust them with $5 self revelation if they can be trusted with that then you move on....

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I am not sure I see how fairness fits into it. First, therapists know most people who come to see a therapist have some difficulty and they still chose to do the job of being a therapist. Secondly, the reason a therapist must prove they are trustworthy is because of how the game is set up. A client is supposed to go in, tell the therapist all sorts of horrible things about themselves, with no reciprocity like in a real relationship. The therapist absolutely must prove step by step that they are worthy of that information. It is not always blaming the therapist for past situations where trust was violated. Going in and trusting a total stranger without some assurance of safety or working up to levels of safe trusting is simply dangerous.

I agree. Someone had a signature that read: "Therapists are experts at developing therapeutic relationships." If you can't win a patient's trust, you're in the wrong business.

I think it was Granite's T who found that talking was not enough. So she had Granite sit on the floor next to her and draw. Winning trust often means thinking outside the box, and sometimes even breaking the rules.

What would it take to win your trust, Halthound?

[rainbow8]

I trust my T because I know she accepts all part of me, even those baby and child parts who want to sit in her lap or have sexual feelings about her. To me, trust is feeling safe to tell someone shameful thoughts and feelings without being afraid they are going to make fun of or criticize me. Trusting someone means it's okay for me to be me.