I spent most of my life ignoring, denying and pushing away all feelings. So now I have talked about some of the abuse,....remembered some of my repressed memories and it feels like I'm doing so much better...not so much built up pressure in my head...etc.

But there are more times now where I notice that I feel all of these emotions start to surface and it seems like it will be too overwelming to feel them, to just sit with them... like if I did I wouldn't survive...

I have unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb all those feelings... I really need to stop using them..

Does anyone understand feeling this way? Has anyone found a way to get past the fear of the feelings to be able to feel them? acknowledge them?

[Perna]

It's a learning process, can only happen a little at a time (or you'll obviously get overwhelmed :-) Trust your defenses, as you work they will let stuff through you can handle and let you know (like dreams do) that there's still stuff to work on, etc. but they are excellent and won't let too much through. The only way too much can get through is if you are denying/stuffing all and it becomes too much; think "dam" (as you have) and how one of those breaks? There has to be controlled run off to get hydroelectric power and everything to work the way it is supposed to. Eventually it will all be known/controlled by you instead of the water itself, LOL.

[BlessedRhiannon]

I've always hidden my feelings, and with the work I've been doing in therapy, yes, sometimes I do feel like I'm overwhelmed with emotions.

Usually, when I feel overwhelmed, I write. I either write draft emails to my T (which sometimes get sent) or I write in my journal. Sometimes, I will practice mindfulness exercises. Sometimes, I try to just sit with the emotions, and let myself feel and remind myself that they are just feelings, and they will pass. When I really feel like I can't cope, then I call T.

It's very, very hard to learn to accept these feelings, and accept that I'm allowed to feel them, and that I don't have to get pulled under by them. I'm learning, my T is helping, but it's still a struggle sometimes.

Usually when I let myself (like times when I'm driving alone or actually home alone) relax and I start to think or process things... I start to feel all of these feelings... sadness or hurt or anger... but then its like alarms are going off in my head.... "this is not good...stop this...you need to shut this down..." and even though I try to tell myself its okay... its feelings from the past... ... my alarm in my head is screaming for me to push it all down.... and I usually resort to my main coping mechanism...

How do I start to stop shutting it down? I wish I could work on this with T but right now I'm on a break and waiting for an appt ...but I havent been able to work on it much with T because my anxiety is high and I don't express feelings much while in therapy. Anyone know how to move from stuffing to feeling?

[SpiritRunner]

I often detached myself from my big feelings by intellectualizing them....turning it into "I think" instead of "I feel". It's not a bad way of coping when you need it, if you don't overuse it, but it also leaves those feelings there, thought about but not felt, if that makes sense. So anyway, when I found myself putting aside the intellectualizing and just trying to sit with my feelings, it did feel like I was going to be swamped, like huge waves crashing over me.
I had to sometimes take deep breaths, remind myself "this is just a feeling, just a feeling, I can feel it and be with it and be OK, I have power over it".
It is possible to sit with the bigness of a feeling and not be carried away by it....by not feeding it with panicked, fearful thoughts, for one, I think. Feeling the emotion without feeding it.....
In the practical sense, writing helps me. Sometimes I have a hard time writing my feelings, so I play the piano, or I go run; whatever seems best at the moment.

Originally Posted by SpiritRunner

It is possible to sit with the bigness of a feeling and not be carried away by it....by not feeding it with panicked, fearful thoughts, for one, I think. Feeling the emotion without feeding it.....

This is something I had never thought of before...its a good thing to think about ... to practice...

[stopdog]

"It is possible to sit with the bigness of a feeling and not be carried away by it...."
Even unapproved feelings? I kind of picture my brain as having a committee and feelings need to apply with a proposal as to what they are for, what the outcome will be if allowed, how long they plan on lasting, what other bits the feeling plans on bothering, to what purpose, etc. Then the brain will consider the proposal, sometimes approve, sometimes deny and somtimes request further information or suggest changes that will speed up the approval process. Sometimes the feelings bypass the brain approval process and set up like squatters or corporate raiders and need to be ousted. And new security guards hired.

OR at least that is how my ideal brain/feeling thing would work.

Originally Posted by stopdog

"It is possible to sit with the bigness of a feeling and not be carried away by it...."
Even unapproved feelings? I kind of picture my brain as having a committee and feelings need to apply with a proposal as to what they are for, what the outcome will be if allowed, how long they plan on lasting etc.
A girl can dream.

Stopdog, this post made me really laugh out loud... I actually thought I was the only person in the world who tries to "control" their feelings to this degree ... I love the vision of having a committee who has to accept or deny a feeling proposal... definitely needs to know the outcome prior to approval...

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by stopdog

"It is possible to sit with the bigness of a feeling and not be carried away by it...."
Even unapproved feelings? I kind of picture my brain as having a committee and feelings need to apply with a proposal as to what they are for, what the outcome will be if allowed, how long they plan on lasting, what other bits the feeling plans on bothering, to what purpose, etc. Then the brain will consider the proposal, sometimes approve, sometimes deny and somtimes request further information or suggest changes that will speed up the approval process. Sometimes the feelings bypass the brain approval process and set up like squatters or corporate raiders and need to be ousted. And new security guards hired.

OR at least that is how my ideal brain/feeling thing would work.

yep, even unapproved feelings.
I haven't had the image of a committee like that in my brain ..... more like a gate thing with a security guard. Here, you can come; no, you can't! and ready to fight anything that wanted to force its way in without permission.
I spent a lot time fighting/warring in my head with unwanted feelings. And feeling a sort of shame that the feelings even existed or dared exist even though they should have the sense to know where they weren't wanted!
so, I have done this exercise in my mind where I gather up ALL the feelings/thoughts in there, even the ones I disapprove of, hate/loathe/despise, want to reject or outright destroy, and tell them I acknowledge and accept their existence .... and that I love them all, too. That takes some wind out of their sails. And gives me power over them.

Only the other day I read a blog post here at PC which I *think* (I'm not sure, but I think) may be helpful: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relati...-and-thoughts/ . I haven't done this myself, but it seems to make sort of sense. It does sound like something that would be useful to have some support to do, though. What do you think?

[carla.cdt]

I know too well how you are feeling. Something that is helping me now that I will not see a therapist until the summer is a book called, the art of emotional healing by lucia capacchione. I had started to use it with my therapist, but I ran out of $ to continue therapy. But I continue to work with the book. I am far from an artist and it took me a few exercices to accept whatever I draw, sculpt, paint, write or even dance.
I found this to be different than the CBT I had done in the past. I don't need to change my thoughts to do this, I just need to go with the feeling.
It helped, but I am certainly not out of the hole yet, just climbing slowly.
Take care
Carla

[struggling2]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

I spent most of my life ignoring, denying and pushing away all feelings. So now I have talked about some of the abuse,....remembered some of my repressed memories and it feels like I'm doing so much better...not so much built up pressure in my head...etc.

But there are more times now where I notice that I feel all of these emotions start to surface and it seems like it will be too overwelming to feel them, to just sit with them... like if I did I wouldn't survive...

I have unhealthy coping mechanisms to numb all those feelings... I really need to stop using them..

Does anyone understand feeling this way? Has anyone found a way to get past the fear of the feelings to be able to feel them? acknowledge them?

i totally understand! However, i dont feel like ive remembered any repressed memories yet...I WISH I COULD. it would make more sense to feel all this confusion if i had something to tie it to. I struggle with feeling feelings....allowing them to be there. I know neutral. Neutral is my feeling of choice......flatlined may be a better word. Anything else i dont really know what to do with. I dont even know where to start.

So ya, i dont have a lot of advice but it sounds like you're working on it and making progress and thats great! Hopefully you have a good T in your corner to help you! Best of luck!

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Only the other day I read a blog post here at PC which I *think* (I'm not sure, but I think) may be helpful: http://blogs.psychcentral.com/relati...-and-thoughts/ . I haven't done this myself, but it seems to make sort of sense. It does sound like something that would be useful to have some support to do, though. What do you think?

It sounds really helpful... I would definitely need help working through it the first couple of times but I definitely want to take this to T when I get back to seeing him regularly... to see if we could work through it together...

[Snuffleupagus]

I'm not quite at the loving them all stage. But occasionally I can manage the neutral view suggested in a lot of mindfulness training--to try to view my emotions like clouds passing by--to at least make an effort to refrain from judging the emotion and definitely to try to take a hands off approach because the more I actively try to squelch an emotion, the more energy I'm directing its way, and it just tends to suck up that energy and make itself bigger.

Reading The Mindful Way Through Depression taught me more about the mechanics of my illness than I learned in any therapist's office. It is a fantastic book for anyone who wants to learn more about gracefully interacting with your feelings.

[Perna]

When we are doing something else that requires attention is not a good time! I use to have a huge amount of trouble after my sessions, when I'd be driving home processing and driving at the same time; can't tell you the number of times I suddenly realized I was going way too fast on little winding country roads or drove past my exit on the highway, etc.

I understand about not being able to shut it off effectively though at those times and recommend displacement with something that doesn't have quite the emotional weight; like what you will be doing at work/school tomorrow, what you want to make for dinner and if you have all the ingredients, an upcoming event, etc.

When you are alone, I didn't have as much problem; would sit in my comfortable chair (that just happened to be a la-z-boy/recliner like I sat in for therapy!) and I'd have my journal, clipboard/paper and books around me, kind of make it a study session as well as thinking. I'd also make sure it was not likely I would be disturbed or that I had a way of "escaping" so if I was crying or something the person wouldn't see too much before I was in the kitchen suddenly making something (husband :-)

The shower is good for thinking and I went to bed before my husband so could do a lot of thinking and crying then, before sleep/he came in.

Originally Posted by Perna

When we are doing something else that requires attention is not a good time! I use to have a huge amount of trouble after my sessions, when I'd be driving home processing and driving at the same time; can't tell you the number of times I suddenly realized I was going way too fast on little winding country roads or drove past my exit on the highway, etc...

Tell me about it. A couple times lately I've had to go somewhere nearby to park and sit there for a while because I've felt unable to pay enough attention to the road after an intense therapy session. I've found myself driving way too fast as well - once as I was on some kind of therapy 'high', a couple times because I was processing and wasn't paying attention, and another time because I was just ****ed off at myself and the red mist had descended..