[mixedup_emotions]

I had group T last night, and once again, I was disconnected from the group.....UGH.

I was panicky before I even walked in the door - and I was planning to address that with the group. I wasn't able to pinpoint what I was panicky about - life has been very stressful lately - finance issues, concerns about a work project that may end up preventing me from becoming full time, things that I have been procrastinating about becoming urgent, and taking my mom in for a significant surgery today.....AND I started reading a book about understanding and treating women's CSA and had been feeling a bit triggery about what I was reading....so, who knows?

Anyway....before I could get those words out, someone started addressing something that was going on his life - about his fear for his children's safety...and THAT set me off into an internal panic....then I froze....I just couldn't get any words out.

A couple sessions ago, T told me to use some methods to ground myself when I start drifting....One thing he said was to look at him, make eye contact with him....Well, each time I looked over at him, he was not looking at me....at all....it's like I didn't exist......which left me feeling worse.

Later in the session, someone asked for my feedback, specifically, on something...and I really didn't have much to give her.

I felt like such a failure by the end of the session. I have my individual session tomorrow, and I just don't even want to bother. Typical for me, I know. Blech.

[WikidPissah]

(((MUE))) Sorry you had a sucky group experience last night. You have so much to feel panicky about, could be any or all of those things, sux that someone cut you off and you couldn't process it. I find it really hard to ground when others are around, the sound of voices kind of lull me into disassociation.
I am sure T was directing his attention toward whomever was speaking and no avoiding you.

[granite1]

MUE i am always so amazed at how much insight you have about what is going on with you .how you can see the reasons you feel so disconnected. still it must have been hard when you were not able to look in your T eyes. i just don't think i could ever do so well in a group setting like that i would never open my mouth and would feel attacked if anyone tried to get me to. you are so not a failure at all you just put so much pressure on you.why not give yourself a break untill you have T and try to process it then

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by mixedup_emotions

I felt like such a failure by the end of the session. I have my individual session tomorrow, and I just don't even want to bother. Typical for me, I know. Blech.

Individual therapy is for things like you mentioned--stress, the troubles at work and with your mom's health, finances, etc. I hope you can get support from T and work on those things with him. That is what he is there for. It seems like you feel bad about not being able to participate more in the group. That's how it goes sometimes, whether in group or out in the social world. Sometimes we are able to participate more than other times depending the stuff we have going on. Don't let your low level of participation in group become another issue for you that you need to "fix" or spend time with T on. You have more important stuff to deal with than that! Can you spend time with T on the root issues that led you to not be able to participate?

[Kacey2]

Hey Mue! Oh the group.............(I know).

I hate that let down feeling when you are getting yourself pepped up enough to do some brave sharing and have needs from the group yourself and then someone else in the group jumps in and it takes a huge monumentous turn dynamics. Suddenly there is no way you can share what you were going to. That sucks terribly. There is no other way to put it. I would be sad and frusterated too.

I understand the feeling ignored by t thing. I just in the last few months brought up to t that he talks to everyone else in dbt but me. That when I share my homework the other t responds and he never does. He said he hadn't noticed but it was possible that he felt a little ackward in there being my t. Which is really weird because he is other peoples t in there too but whatever. Anyway the point being, I hope you can say to your t today how discouraged you felt when you looked at him to do your grounding and he was never looking back at you. That you felt insignificant and it made you sad. Try to use non judgemental words and a lot of "I feel" statements. That works the best for me if I want a result. I think I brought it up with my t like, "Hey did you ever notice that you aren't __________ in group?"

I feel so much for you and your group struggles MUE. What I gather about this situation from your postings is that you are really trying to give to other group members continuously and it is not being returned to you. This is a sure and fast way of burn out for you. It is probably similar to your other relationships, you give and they take. Or maybe it is you give but are not able to take the risk of being vulnerable to others. I used to be that way too but with out the vulnerability factor to some extent there is no true relationship or connection. It is just an exchange of words with someone else in this world that we live in.

Like I have said before what you are doing is the hardest therapy work there is. It has so many dynamics and levels to it especially when your own individual t is added to the mix. You are a very brave gal, or a very big dumb-dumb! Ha Just kidding.

Next time can you go in there and say right away, "I'll start" and jump right in. That is the best approach one can have at setting the tone and focusing in on what is going to help you. Don't worry other people in the group do it all the time as you know. Go get em, Tiger!

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback....

And Kacey, you are right on so many levels. I hope I am at a place where I can talk to T about it. Everything is just scrambled up in my mind right now, and I can't seem to focus on anything. My mom, who is deaf, had a significant surgery yesterday - so I was at the hospital until late last night. I am going to be there all day today (and for the next few days) - except for my T session today. I'm just not sure I can shift from being attentive to her and her needs...to getting back into my self - going from being cerebral to being emotional. It is SO difficult for me to do.

Plus, I'm feeling guarded and out of sorts to begin with......ACK!!!!

[granite1]

just checking in MUE hows your mom?
please let us know how T went today i know it is going to be a hard day for you and we are here for you.i don't go to a group T.i am amazed at those that are able to go to a group.with my issues around the spoken word i could see myself in a mater of seconds falling into a million pieces and running out if anyone tried to get me to use my words.it would be completely paralyzed.anyway all that to say ,even if you don;t think you do very good work in your group or have problems expressing yourself.i think you are amazing and brave to stick it out.that in itself is amazing .i agree with kacey if at all possible go in there and just start .it may set the tone and even shock a few T's

[Sannah]

All of those things make total sense why you felt the way you did - honor that.

[mixedup_emotions]

Thanks....((( HUGS )))

Mom is doing well, thanks for asking, Granite! The dr's goal is for her to be up and walking, or at least up and sitting in a chair today....but she hasn't tried yet.

Just got back from my T session....It was...ok, I guess. I didn't really get into much - and T somehow got the idea that maybe my panic lately has more to do with my blood sugar than panicking about something in particular. I don't know.

Later in the session, I told him about a couple books that I've been reading....and I had a hard time even telling T that they were about women overcoming CSA. I DID tell him that I was panicky before group T - and that when the one guy started talking about his concerns about his kids not feeling safe, that took me to a whole new level of panic and I froze....and that I looked over at T a few times and felt invisible.

T said that he wished he noticed what I was going through...and explained that he was sick at the time and was low on energy, so he was really focusing on just trying to keep his head above water with what was going on in the room...so he didn't notice where I was.

I told him it was ok, and that it wasn't his job to try to figure out what I was feeling. He said that perhaps if he had known, he could've done something to help me during that time.

When we were talking about the books I was reading, he asked how I felt about what I was reading....and I said that I felt awful about it....and that I don't believe I'll ever get there. He asked what "there" was....I struggled, but ultimately was able to say - to a place where I can confront, share, be free. He then suggested that this reading was making me feel more hopeless, and I agreed.

T said that many people who read those kinds of books feel discouraged when they, themselves, are in the early stages of trauma work....and that there are steps that we need to take - a detour of sorts. He talked a little about grounding, etc. but I don't really remember what he said. *sigh*

Anyway, I guess I did cover what I needed to during the session...but I feel a bit detached...and I hate feeling that way about T....

[granite1]

just sending hugs

i never get through reading those kind of books because they make me feel awfull for all kinds of reasons so i just dont read them.i think i read one that i liked called overcomming shame or something like that but otherwise i start to read them and cant keep up with it