Scared/depressed about tomorrow

I've been away for 2 weeks and was fine. I only emailed my T twice during that time. My appointment is tomorrow morning in her other office which I don't like. I have to drive on an expressway, and that makes me anxious. I also don't like the office because it has none of her things in it.

However the main problem is that she is going away for 2 weeks and my stomach hurts thinking about it. I don't deal well with her trips across the ocean and this is one of them. It's terribly triggering for me and I don't know why. No one left me during childhood that I remember so it could be the preverbal period when I was in the incubator, or something that happened before I was 4 or 5.

It doesn't matter what it was. All I know is that all of my parts want to either go with her or make her not go. I already emailed her that and I think we did EMDR about it 2 sessions ago, but the feelings are still there. From the book my T loaned me, Getting Past Your Past, by Francine Shapiro, I learned that we get triggered by unprocessed memories from our past. I know there must be some memories that I need to process because of my extreme reaction to my T leaving. I don't think she will do EMDR tomorrow, so I'm not sure how my session will be. We'll probably talk about how I can comfort the child parts while she's gone.

I do have a question though I won't be on long to read replies. Do you think it's intrusive to ask details about your Ts travel plans? I know that in the past I worry because I know the day she's leaving but not the time, and I don't know what city, just the country. I panic because I don't know the time she's coming back either. I think I'd be calmer if I have that information. I'll probably ask her and all she can say is "no". I just hate not knowing where she is.

I still feel much, much better about how I'm doing in therapy. It's not that I can't manage without her; it's some kind of fear of feeling unsafe and afraid when she's not in town. I know our relationship is solid, so it's something else.

I sure wish I could cry with her tomorrow. If I could just do that I would feel better. The parts want to love her and want her to love them. Or, maybe they need to tell her that in person, not just in email.

I'm rambling. I'm exhausted from my trip so am going to bed soon.

best wishes for your session tomorrow, rainbow.

i was anxious on the way to my session today too... but I kept consciously breathing in.... and breathing out... (and thinking those words as I breathed) and it helped.'

((Rainbow8))

(((Rainbow))) I missed you while you were gone! I hope things go well with T and you get the info you need. Remember, we are all here for you while she's gone...post everyday if you want, I'll always read!

I tend to feel the same way when my T is gone. I am fortunate that he tells me where he is going and when he will be back. I still cry when I leave his office the last time I see him before he leaves. Fortunately, he tells me that he always has his laptop with him and I can email him anytime. It just may be longer before he responds.( he travels a lot to speak about sexual trauma, and sometimes he just goes somewhere warm to lay on the beach) You are not alone. I feel empty when my T is gone.

I like what you have written. Good insight!!

welcome home rain i know it is hard for you when your T is over seas.i don't understand why either but i know it causes you a lot of pain and i wish it didn't .i hope you will be posting here a lot when she leaves so that you will have a place to come and let us suport you.you will be ok

maybe you can find an alternate route (I keep off the interstates whenever I can help it!!)

Will be keeping close to you. I'm sorry for the 2 wk interval, maybe you & T can talk about ways to take care of yourself in the meantime.

I'm sorry you're struggling, rainbow. As for your question, I think you're right that you can ask and the worst she can say is no.

I know how hard it is to have your T gone.

I don't feel good after my session but I can't write now; I'm babysitting.

I feel so awful. We came home just because I wanted to see my T before she leaves. I feel SO pathetic and I don't know if seeing her even helped. In fact, it made me feel worse but I know I needed this appointment.

She told me she thought about me or missed me while I was away. That was nice to hear. But she wanted to focus on what I could do, and especially how I can focus on a part of my body that feels calm, and incorporate that into my breathing or thinking. I don't know. I didn't care and I was frustrated!! I wanted to talk about my parts wanting her and I told her she was taking that away from me. She said she wasn't.

She said that sometimes when I focus on that it gets me into that feeling of being in quicksand or being immobilized. She wants me to be in the present and feel good. She's right but I couldn't do it.

She offered to hold my hand but even that wasn't helping as much as usual. It seemed like we were strangers though I told her our relationship is good now. We were just looking at each other and that was embarrassing for me.

I told her that picturing the baby parts with her isn't the same as being with her, because in the session I realize it's not her I want. I couldn't picture my Mom either. I couldn't do anything today! I wanted to cry but couldn't though she said she saw a tear in the corner of my eye.

She didn't know her itinerary but told me what she knew; she's going to 4 countries. I'm so jealous. Her whole family is going. She says I can email but she's not sure if she'll have access or not. She told me she'd be back and I'll be fine.

She gave me a little "coin" that says gratitude on it. When I left, I suddenly felt I wanted to give the EMDR book back to her so I stayed in the hall until she came out. She didn't have a client; she was on the phone. I told her the book was too triggering for me to keep now. We walked out together but she was in a hurry to do errands and come back.

She hugged me spontaneously before we got into our cars.

I already emailed her an apology for going into her personal time.

I feel sick and sad. She's not going until Saturday so I can still email knowing she'll get them now.

There's nothing to do about my needs. She thinks they are preverbal. So what? She wants me to have plans for these 2 weeks.

I know I will be all right but I feel like I'm that place she knows isn't good for me. I'm supposed to think of the beach.

I can't.

Can someone please help me?

rain it seems like with your vacation and hers you have gotten into a place that the only thing that will satisfy you is for you T to cancel her trip and stay with you.i sounds painful and like you are so stuck and feeling like nothing is going to make it better because she isnt going to cancel her trip.is there anything we can do here to help.i bet it has been hard to not see her for so long. i would do what you can e-mail write to her a real letter,make her a card.do things that will maybe keep her in a positive frame and maybe that will help keep her in your hearti'm sorry this is so hard

granite: thanks for being here for me and replying. It's like you know what is going on inside of me; you're making me cry but in a better way than about my T.

I would feel so guilty if anything happened and she had to cancel her trip. That's my first thought.

Next, is that I'm still using therapy to replace real life. I KNOW that she can't replace my mother and/or give me what I didn't get when I was an infant. I saw that so clearly today. I didn't even want to get it from her! The baby and child parts don't real want HER. I don't even want her that way. I like her as my T and someone special in my life.

That baby part is sad and I'm trying to hold her and tell her I can take care of her. I've got to email this to my T. She said we're working on it and I said it's 2 years we're working on it.

I wish she weren't going away.

rainbow, i wish i had words that might help. i'm so sorry you are hurting.

be kind you. it's ok to feel what you feel.

lots of hugs.

Thanks, rainbow_rose. I just sent another email to my T. I think there was a lot of anger in it though I tried to cover it up. It wasn't a very happy email at all. I'm resigned to the way therapy is for me. If anything happens to my T, I don't think I could see anyone else. I'm finished. I'll just live the rest of my life feeling sad.

One more day until my T leaves. I keep pushing up this thread because I wish I could have more responses. Thank you, rainbow_rose for the hugs.

how are you feeling tonight, rainbow?