When a apart of you still has unmet needs and goes about getting them met in unhealthy ways or ways that no longer work for "you" as the person you wish to be, how the hell can you change it?

Just as I wrote that I heard my T's voice say "we keep talking about it". But dam it I want it over now!

Yes some will say awareness is the first step, but I've been aware for ages. What's the answer?

[mommyof2girls]

When you find out please fill me in....

[2or3things]

I'm SO here right now, Earthmamma, and I absolutely hate it. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you.

I'm not sure if you're talking about unmet needs from childhood, but if you are...my T would probably say that you have to fully mourn the original losses (the fact that you didn't get those particular needs met when you should have by the people you should have). She's been saying that to me for 3 years, and I've been doing everything I can to avoid it, all while trying, unsuccessfully, to get those needs met elsewhere. It's a recipe for frustration and sadness and anger and all sorts of thing, but definitely not mental health.

So the problem, I guess, is that we have to let go of the need first, or at least turn it into something that is doable and appropriate for this stage in our lives. Until we can do that, trying to give up the behavior of seeking it out really won't work.

It sucks. But I suppose it's also true.

Hang in there. Stuff's gotta get better if we keep at it, right?

Originally Posted by 2or3things

I'm SO here right now, Earthmamma, and I absolutely hate it. I'm sorry it's so difficult for you.

I'm not sure if you're talking about unmet needs from childhood, but if you are...my T would probably say that you have to fully mourn the original losses (the fact that you didn't get those particular needs met when you should have by the people you should have). She's been saying that to me for 3 years, and I've been doing everything I can to avoid it, all while trying, unsuccessfully, to get those needs met elsewhere. It's a recipe for frustration and sadness and anger and all sorts of thing, but definitely not mental health.

So the problem, I guess, is that we have to let go of the need first, or at least turn it into something that is doable and appropriate for this stage in our lives. Until we can do that, trying to give up the behavior of seeking it out really won't work.

It sucks. But I suppose it's also true.

Hang in there. Stuff's gotta get better if we keep at it, right?

yes what you say is so true. As i was reading your reply my thoughts were, but what you are doing is so wrong or is that you enjoy doing it but are beating yourself up for that?

These things are so complex aren't they? as you begin to untangle one thing another comes into play. Perhaps this is why T says, "we talk about them".

But yes I think part of maintaining old ways is because of the fear of mourning, which T says isn't really anything to be afraid off, unless one has had many yrs of avoiding doing so.

[elliemay]

Sometimes it helps to reframe the need as a want.

I think if you cut through all the crap, humans have very very few actual needs. Air, food, water, sleep, basic interactions through which we feel some sort of connection with something.

After that, there are things that make our life better, but aren't essential to living it.

That's not to say we shouldn't go after the things we want, but we don't have to be desparate to have it.

I think we spend a lot of time focusing on needs, when in fact, they aren't needs at all.

Gratitude for our lives as they are, acceptance and celebration of all the good that is already in them - helped me a lot.

Mmmm not sure its as simple as gratitude and acceptence. I think this is about unconsious desires. I love my life. I would not change the past because its part of who I am today. BUT this is about something else, something just outside my conscious thought.

[Perna]

I try to remember to work "with" myself instead of against; so, if part of me is meeting needs I find are legit, but just don't like how, I let that part keep doing what it's doing since it is trying to/is helping. I try not to condemn/be negatively critical of anything I do, but rather, curious as to why I'm doing it that way instead of another. There isn't anything bad in what I do, any damage can be fixed and only bothers me, etc. So I chewed all my fingernails off last night; I don't do that very often anymore and I'm wondering why last night; one fingernail is below the quick so painful but it will grow back/quit hurting in a day or two! I'm much more interested in comforting or making less anxious the part that had to chew all the fingernails off in the first place, rather than yelling at her for chewing them off?

Yes perna, I do that too, but this is some stuborn **** lol. I think someone said something yesterday that really made me aware of what I do. They put it somewhat into words and now its ringing loudly in my ears.

[elliemay]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

Mmmm not sure its as simple as gratitude and acceptence. I think this is about unconsious desires. I love my life. I would not change the past because its part of who I am today. BUT this is about something else, something just outside my conscious thought.

Even though I wrote out what I thought were human's basic needs, those are just what I perceive to be the basic ones. Everyone is different.

If this is just outside your conscious thought, then perhaps it might help to bring it forward if you wrote out what your specific needs/wants are.

It may help define what is going on here. Don't know.

[WikidPissah]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

When a apart of you still has unmet needs and goes about getting them met in unhealthy ways or ways that no longer work for "you" as the person you wish to be, how the hell can you change it?

Just as I wrote that I heard my T's voice say "we keep talking about it". But dam it I want it over now!

Yes some will say awareness is the first step, but I've been aware for ages. What's the answer?

Hell if I know. And that's the jackpot question for me. I have unhealthy coping skills. Those skills have changed to less unhealthy skills over the years, but still unhealthy. I am totally aware of them, but this emptiness inside just sucks me in every time.

You know I had a conversation with T a coupke of sessions back about how of late I seem to be talking all of the time, unable to let there just be silence. I told T how my hubby recently turned to me and said "for F++k sake, aint u spoke to anyone this week" lmao!

T said something like my talking constantly is perhaps stop me self reflecting. As she said that, I had a fear. There is who I tell myself I am, and then there's the "who I really am" and I think I am getting closer to this me that I haven't really looked at and its increasing my negative behaviours. its hard to take in that I am not who I like to think I am.

Oh I don't say who I really am is horrid, but sometimes from a distance a shadow is very scary until we get closer and see the shadow for what it is.

Who am I really *insert twilight theme* lol

[Perna]

Originally Posted by earthmamma

T said something like my talking constantly is perhaps stop me self reflecting.

I love to think up bizarre experiments with myself or, when I learn/hear something about myself I don't quite understand, I take it to extremes I'd take this comment by your T and start self reflecting out loud, get a real good conversation going with my insides, the "two" of us talking away :-)

Sometimes if I don't like a defense or symptom I'll use it deliberately like that. When I went to the library to get my T's phone number after being out of contact for nearly 10 years (library had all the surrounding areas' and states' phone books) I found it and was euphoric about it, I'd be able to call her and make an appointment, etc. but then I got a curious feeling, I suddenly wanted to check out books about suicide? I reasoned they were just books, didn't feel suicidal or anything, just had this sudden burning interest I couldn't explain. So, I went along with it and came home from that library trip with 3-4 books about suicide (not totally unusual, one of my degrees is in sociology and Émile Durkheim, the "father of sociology" is known for his 1897 book on the subject).

My T couldn't see me for a few weeks, she was just getting ready to go out of town, so we made an appointment and then all the stuff I'd been holding back for 10 years kind of crashed over my head, not pleasant. I started reading the books to see why I'd been interested in them and learned a great deal about myself.

Did you see this? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-talk-too-much

[Sannah]

What always worked for me is to first collect info while you are doing it. How you feel, what is going on, what you are doing. Take this back to T and analyze it. Get some insight into your behaviors, come up with a different plan and try these the next time and repeat over and over again until your behavior has changed.

Originally Posted by Perna

Did you see this? http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/...-talk-too-much

Aha yes! its not that I'm talking about me, its that I'm rambling and yes its because I feel sooooo overwhelmed with feelings lately!!

Thanks Perna, now that was i-n-t-e-r-e-s-t-i-n-g and productive for moi.