[delicatefade26]

So I am in therapy for many reasons-I am a trauma survivor. One of my issues that we sometimes talk about is my addiction to porn. We had not talked about it for a long time-I thought T might never bring it up again-WRONG. Tonight he asked about it-and I got so uncomfortable-he would not relent though-he was like who do you talk to this stuff about? I said no one-and he said exactly that's why you talk to your therapist about it-he said by my responses to the issue it is something we need to look at-it causes me great shame and just disgust-and I couldn't even talk to him about why tonight. This was towards the end of a session and we talked about a few small things after and then after our closing prayers-I busted out crying hysterically that I didn't want to leave-that I miss him when I'm not there-I felt like a child. T talked me down and had to get going because his son's baseball game-but he was really sweet about it.

SOooo-my question is-I want to tell T all the things that go on for me surrounding this issue-I want to tell him why I want to stop-I want to tell him that it's difficult for me to talk with him about it because I have thought about him being sexual (not having sex with him-but him doing sexual things) and I'm embarrassed and also feel weird because the transference of a father figure is so strong. I'm tempted to write this in an email to him tonight-but I'm scared do ya'll think it's a good idea? thank ya!

[critterlady]

I always think it's a good idea to be completely honest with your T. When I talk to T about my CSA, we tend to spend almost as much time talking about how hard it is for me to talk about as we do actually talking about it.

If your relationship with your T includes email communication, it's probably a bit easier to bring it up in email first. But don't be surprised if your T brings it up when you meet in person.

[CantExplain]

Yes, tell him everything.

[Wren_]

I can only say what I'd do which is ... go for the email; because that way he will know what is going on and then can help you to talk about it further in session; I know I'd find that easier anyway He sounds like he cares a lot about you and wanting to help you

[delicatefade26]

Thanks Critterlady...yeah I email throughout the week with him-I usually don't spill my heart out about anything through it-but with this issue-I just need to get it out there-it's like weighing on me tonight...I need to get it out-but I will be a nervous wreck til I get his response-maybe I should say-NO response please!! lol
Ohh-he will definitely bring it up next session...woohoo (*insert heavy sigh*)

[Wren_]

if you say no response will you be able to handle waiting until next session?

[delicatefade26]

hmm-I can say to him-no response on the content-but to know that he read it and that we can discuss it in person-he wants me to open up more in person anyways...telling me to put words to things-he gets how difficult it is-which is helpful...
Ok...I'm going to start working on a email...wish me luck!
ohhh wait-should I bring up the part about thinking about him in a sexual way?! that will be the most uggg part...

[Wren_]

maybe ask for a ..... let you know he received it and that he is ok with it? so that you don't worry too much
start writing and see where you end up?

[delicatefade26]

Thanks tigergirl I really appreciate it-maybe I will post it once I'm finished and see what ya'll think before hitting send...gah I'm scared

[critterlady]

I'd go ahead and tell him all of it. It's really all tied up together, so if he knows all of it he'll be able to help much more effectively.

[delicatefade26]

Well it's done-the send button was just hit! I ended up writing 3 pages on a word document and attaching it lol...I know he will get to it tomorrow at some point. I'm sooo nervous-because I wrote just briefly that I have had sexual thoughts about him and that I'm mortified about it-esp. considering the transference I have going on for him. I went into all of the different elements of my sexuality and mental health that are impacted by this-and it feels sooo good to get it out. Sooo now it's wait and see what he says-I asked him to let me know that he got it and that its okay to send that type of letter. Ill keep yall posted if ya want. thanks again!!

[Wren_]

well done and yes .. do let us know ... that's great you were able to share so much and i hope you hear back soon

[unaluna]

just to throw my 2 cents in - you're calling it an addiction. You're a young healthy girl, you're gonna have feelings and thoughts and urges. No one ever told me, so I'm telling you. Everyone does. You're going to school and getting stuff done, so it doesn't seem to be interfering with your life, so is it fair to call it an addiction? I understand there may be religious reasons you may not want to engage in this behavior, but you may also just want to talk to a medical person, a nurse or whatever, and get the straight health facts on masturbation. Again, just saying cos I wish someone had helped me. good luck.

[Sannah]

Good work DF!!

[delicatefade26]

Thanks Hankster! I have thought a lot about these issues-and I don't feel guilty or bad for having the sexual thoughts or even masturbation-but I'm addicted to porm in that I cannot masturbate without it-and the time spent on it has become too much. I hate the progression of the material I watch-it gets more aggressive and punishing the longer I have been engaging in it-and I don't like that. Also it interferes with me expressing my sexuality with men...it is making my fear if intimacy worse...because in ashamed.
Soo my T wrote me this morn and said he would read it and we will process it next session...fun fun!! Lol

[WePow]

BIG hugs to you! I get it!!!! That is also my secret addiction. Hum wonders to self if it is still secret if I post this. Oh well, what the heck. My T is a sexual addiction therapist, but we don't work on this topic. It hurts me because I would like to work through it, but it is like he just thinks it is acting out the same as anything else like drinking too much or self harm.

Anyway, I wanted to share that with you so you will know I do understand some of what you are working through. You are not alone. And I think you are VERY brave for writing it out!

[delicatefade26]

Thanks sooo much WePow and big hugs to you!! I have a week until i see T to process this-it will feel like an eternity!! On another issue-I'm worried he is frustrated with me about my breakdown last night about not wanting to leave-I asked him but he hasn't said anything back...ugg!!

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by delicatefade26

I'm worried he is frustrated with me about my breakdown last night about not wanting to leave-I asked him but he hasn't said anything back...ugg!!

Why would he be frustrated? T's expect difficulties and know that getting through difficulties is how the client heals.

[Wren_]

glad he wrote back about the long email even if just to say you would talk about it in session