[rainbow8]

I sent an email to my T saying "welcome home" and asking her to confirm my appointment for tomorrow. I don't expect her to answer until tonight or tomorrow morning because I don't know exactly when she's getting back, and I know I'm not on the top of her "to do" list right now!

I also wrote that I may not be able to talk about anything, that I just want to sit there with her. I'm going away for a short trip, not the one I wanted to go on, though, and I need to discuss it with her. But right now I feel like I just want to sit with her. Does that sound weird?

[critterlady]

Not weird at all. There's a lot of power that comes from a companionable silence.

With my previous T, we would often just sit in silence for a few minutes. I found it very restorative, once I got past thinking that I had to come up with something profound to say at the end of it.

Not weird at all!! We love just sitting with our T. Its healing and helpful. She said its good for us to learn to sit calmly and learn that we can just " be" with a safe person who wont hurt us.

I really really hope your session goes well. You made it!!

Agreed it's not weird at all! I do that with my T every now & then as well. It was kinda hard the first time, I was all nervous feeling like I had to find something to say, but once I just made myself do it, it was awesome. I like that by critterlady "There's a lot of power that comes from a companionable silence." So true!!

[rainbow8]

Thanks, critterlady, SarahMichelle, and Artemis-within. I'm starting to think I don't want her to know how important she is to me. Of course she already knows it, but I'm getting embarrassed all over again. It's making me teary-eyed thinking about being with her again. I owe her a lot of money because of my deductible this year; I just called her billing office. I know I'm not just her job but the money part hurts. I want it to be tomorrow already. I'm afraid I will be disappointed, somehow. If I just sit with her, I won't be--maybe.

[likelife]

I don't think it's weird at all. Does it feel like some of the ambivalence about her being important to you stems from her having been gone and the money part? When I start to feel like "just T's job," I definitely want to pull away.

Hope your session goes well tomorrow.

[WikidPissah]

sitting would be really hard for me, I would be too nervous! I don't think it's weird though, it takes a lot of self awareness too do that...bravo.

Glad your T is back, don't push her away because you needed her, just let the joy of having her back flow.

[minneymouse]

It's not strange to want to sit. I always try to make sure I have a bit of time to just 'be' with T. So glad she's back

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by likelife

Does it feel like some of the ambivalence about her being important to you stems from her having been gone and the money part? When I start to feel like "just T's job," I definitely want to pull away.

No, I don't think the money is why I want to pull away, though I hate thinking about the money. I think wiki's post is more accurate.

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

sitting would be really hard for me, I would be too nervous! I don't think it's weird though, it takes a lot of self awareness too do that...bravo.

Glad your T is back, don't push her away because you needed her, just let the joy of having her back flow.

I don't know if I CAN just sit there; I did for 5 minutes at my last session, holding her hand, and I felt self-conscious.

What I bolded is so on target, and so poetic. I need her and that's scary because that's my pattern that I can't break away from. I can't help needing her but it makes me embarrassed.

I totally hear you.
Let us know how it goes. Will be thinking of you!

[Wren_]

the sitting makes total sense .... like maybe just wanting to calm yourself and remember that she is still there and let that sink in for a bit; and how that would be therapeutic in itself

[rainbow8]

I think that's it, tigergirl. I think I'll be too overwhelmed to be productive, and she's going to be tired anyway. This way neither of us has to think much. But underlying that is my anger and jealousy. I had a thought of telling her, "I'm so jealous and angry because I wanted it to be you, your H, your kids (I know their names so I would say them), and rainbow." That's what it should have been.

I'm SO pathetic!!! The thing is, I have positive memories of family trips. It's not something I lacked like others may have. It's something I miss that I DID have. Or else... I don't know what it is. That baby stuff again, wanting to be part of T's family. I know it's useless to try and figure it out but my feelings are driving me nuts!!

I haven't heard from her yet. I hope she's home. My stomach is doing flip-flops!

Then there's the thought: Would I have been better off not posting so much about her every day? But then it would have been in my mind anyway. So thanks to everyone who has been with me these "almost 3 weeks".

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

I had a thought of telling her, "I'm so jealous and angry because I wanted it to be you, your H, your kids, and rainbow." That's what it should have been... wanting to be part of T's family.

Okay, so I imagine myself at T's dinner table for his birthday with his kids, and all I feel is... awkward! I mean, he has told me enough about them that I could make reasonable conversation about their interests - but I would never feel like part of their family. Maybe because I don't feel like part of my own nuclear family, altho I certainly do feel like part of my extended, 60 first cousins family. Are you saying you wouldn't feel awkward there? Or haven't you ever pictured yourself in that scenario? Do you just see yourself EXcluded?

I told T (and pdoc) today that for the first time in therapy with any therapist, I am FINALLY starting to feel the comfort and security of a T. I have a bedtime ritual for the first time in my life, with the CPAP machine, that I have done for 8 nights now, even thru last week's crisis. THAT has never happened either, where MY needs took precedence, ever. EVER. And now T is just T, and that is SO good. Anyway. I'm interested to know how that quote looks in your head.

[rainbow8]

Thanks for your input, hankster. I know, in reality, it would be awkward. It's just fantasy, transference, whatever. The thing is: it doesn't come from my HEAD; it comes from my HEART, and makes me sad.

I'm glad you're starting to feel security and safety with your T. That's how I feel with mine, so maybe that's why the above wish. I feel like I love her, but it's not romantic love. It's bigger than that.

[Wren_]

Rainbow what happens if you try running it through your head to see if it comes up the way it does in your heart; the way hankster suggested? would that make the anger, jealousy less or ... is the idea of doing that too painful to look at anyway

I hope you hear soon

[unaluna]

thanks, tigergirl. that's what T does with me, is talk me thru these scenarios, like my favorite, "are you gonna stop by my apartment on your way home from the airport?" This one started back BEFORE I cleaned up for the city inspector, so we are talking Hoarders here, as in, be careful walking in the door. Anyway, after I got over my extreme embarrassment for even asking, he tells me I sound like my mother! That is, I sounded whiny and demanding, not enticing! Good to know, thanks, T! It took us a few vacations to work this thru! Now when he leaves town I tell him I'll expect him, but I think that ship has sailed.

[Wren_]

That is, I sounded whiny and demanding, not enticing!

ooops! not so good; it sounds like a helpful way to look at things though

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

ooops! not so good; it sounds like a helpful way to look at things though

yeah completely unexpected, I thought that was interesting. you think you're going to be embarrassed about one thing, but it turns out to be something else entirely - still kinda embarrassing, but really more educational, enlightening, eventually. funny how things work out in t.

[rainbow_rose]

rainbow, i hope you have the session that you want AND need.

[rainbow8]

I was out tonight and just got home. I have to go to bed. My T did NOT email me. I expect to hear from her in the morning; my appointment isn't until 5 p.m. I hope she's back.

Sorry I can't deal with the replies about head/vs heart. Too triggering for me. I NEED to tell my T what my heart wants even if it's fantasy. I NEED to.

Thank you, rainbow_rose.

[Wren_]

understood rainbow ... I hope there is an email waiting when you wake

[unaluna]

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Sorry I can't deal with the replies about head/vs heart. Too triggering for me. I NEED to tell my T what my heart wants even if it's fantasy. I NEED to.

I agree, actually! I never thought of it as "head vs heart" before, but that is essentially how I present stuff to T sometimes, that I FEEL like I must say something, even tho the WORDS sound like a cliché. So thanks for this convo! I like adding "my heart says" to my vocabulary
Also, I'm sorry this is triggering, but that might not necessarily be a bad thing, although I can understand if you want to "save" these triggered or uncomfortable? feelings for your session, instead of writing them out here or in a journal.

[rainbow8]

I'm starting to panic. No email. Options and thoughts:

1. I can call her.
2. I can wait, since my appointment isn't until tonight.
3. I can email again.
4. I can assume she's back, seeing other clients, and has no time to email me yet.
5. Maybe she didn't get my email.
6. Maybe she's sleeping.

For some reason I don't want to call or email yet.
I guess I'll wait. If she didn't get back, she would have had to call, even from Europe. Right? I didn't hear of any plane crashes.

I'm breathing slowly. I wish I didn't care so much.

[peaches100]

Hi Rainbow!

I'm glad your t is back. I think sitting with her silently for a few minutes is a lovely thought.

How about just call to check?

Im sure all is well, dhe may just be tired or have a ton of stuff to catch up on. I know ehen i get home after a long trip it takes me forever to unpack, wash clothes, check thru the mail, get my refridgerator restocked, etc. i am sure shes just busy.

Thinking of you today!!!