Boundaries.............

I think that's a very good insight. Can you use that insight to perhaps find another word to use, or to discuss it with your T in order to soften the word's impact?

This is me to a T. (Sorry- I just had to!) I really do feel rejected if I hit one of T's boundaries. It's like I've done something wrong, when I really haven't done anything wrong. KWIM?

although i understand the boundaries my T has set i still don't like them. i don't know if she has a boundary about touch or anything like that.i never asked.I'm OK without touch. the only boundaries i know my T has set was no e-mail ,text,or written letters sent in the mail. although i know why i still hate it completely. if i could send letters or e-mail it would be easier for me in T.it hurts and i felt so rejected and humiliated when she imposed these boundaries because i hadn't thought i had abused them or anything and didn't believe her when she said i had done nothing wrong.i still have a hard time believing that.

Granite- I can't remember. Did she explain why she set those boundaries for you or were they just arbitrary boundaries she set after a certain aount of time?

Initially my T just arbitrarily set them and then after I struggle with feelings of rejection and her not liking me anymore, she finally explained why she had to set the goals. That helped, but it would've been so much more prodcutive had she told me in the beginning and we could've agreed o n it TOGETHER. I like my T and I believe her 100%, but I still feel hurt and not sure how to handle it. This feeling keeps popping up in therapy. I need to know how to let it go. I think in my head I ahve, but then it comes rushing back when something else happens. UGH!

Boundaries weren't even something I explicitly understood until I was in T - well, not that I had no idea about them at all or didn't have them, but using the term the way Ts do/psychology does or thinking about and discussing them wasn't something I did. Maybe I was just kind of ignorant along those lines? I don't know. Guess I thought about it in other terms - like having my space, others had theirs, having common courtesy/manners, being respectful of others, rules/regulations/expectations, etc. I thought of my boundaries as my 'walls' I guess.....and boy did I have walls!!
I didn't mind that T had boundaries .... but I DID mind the ones that seemed more personal, more designed to keep me at a distance or rather, to push me OUT when she had already allowed me in. THAT is what pissed me off. Yes, I hated certain boundaries she had .... well, maybe I hated more how she wasn't aware she had let me cross them and then re-drew them. That hurt.
With T2 I had the advantage of a greater awareness of boundaries/boundaries in T. And I appreciated her clarity about her boundaries from the very start ... not me discovering them by crossing them, or T re-drawing them tighter when she had let them be too blurred/broad. There was a comfort in T2's boundaries; they were honest, firm, but compassionate and in my best interests. I never tested her boundaries. I knew she meant them, and she gave me plenty of space to have my real needs (not my wants) met.
I don't mind my friends' or my H's boundaries.
I like my boundaries. They help me define myself, know myself, and keep myself secure, whether alone or with others.
Knowing my own boundaries better helps me tolerate boundaries I may not always like in other, too, though.

hate to love 'em... but i gotta because i know that they make for more healthy relationships and a more stable and at peace me.

it was because i was sending her e-mails or letters with things that were going on in my head but when it came time for session i would refuse to even open my mouth to deal with them. she said it wasn't helpful for me to do this at all that i needed to see that i had a voice and that what i had to say wasn't so horrible that i needed to be secretly sent to her and never talked about.and so on.i still have a hard time with all of it but i am talking a bit better in T now so she must know what she is doing but i hate it.

I haven't actually pushed any of the boundaries with T, come to think of it. He always says that I don't need to be concerned about the boundaries - that it's his job to manage them. But, after reading what a lot of you have posted, I realize I don't really know where his boundaries are, at least for contact. I haven't hit them yet and I think the main reason for that is that him telling me I've crossed a boundary would feel like a rejection and I don't handle rejection very well.

Hmmm. I'll bet anything that this has not gone unnoticed by T and that at some point, he's going to push me into crossing a boundary, just to understand how I react to him enforcing them. I am not looking forward to that.

I wish I could've worded things for myself the way you just did. I totally agree with what you're saying here. I've never thought of them as "boundaries" and haven't even thought of that word in many, many moons. I never use taht word because.......... well, you kow why.

It's tough when it happens. My T said she never intentionally (at least the first time) tried to get me to cross a boundary and I believe her. Because what I did was something she told me was ok to do- she'd just had a change of mind. Thinking about this just gives me the shivers. UGH!

I haven't hit up against T's boundaries. I remember when he told me I could call and then said "don't worry I will tell you if it's too much". That in itself worried me so I rarely call. I know that if he tells me that something is too much it would hurt, I would recoil and be mortified.

I don't know if I like or hate boundaries, they just haven't become an issue in the 2 yrs I have been seeing t...or with any prior t's.

It was my t who first asked for a hug. He was leaving for five weeks to Nepal. That hug carried me through. Think We have hugged four times. We both initiate it. He mentioned recently how We are both crossing each others boundaries. But didn't say that was good or bad. A hug from him never crosses my boundaries. I love him.

Exactly. Why should I respect your boundaries when no one respects mine?

I have mixed feelings about boundaries. My T has a no touch boundary. Coming from a background of SA, this makes me feel safe. Plus he's kind of a small guy and I'm kinda chesty so if we hugged that would embarrass me. Also, we sit about five feet apart in sessions - sometimes he leans forward and rolls in a little closer to make a point and I want to bolt because it feels threatening.

On the other hand, during my six years with him - so much trauma, so much SI, SA, crisis, etc. I would have loved a hug, holding his hand, an arm on my shoulder, a pat on the back - it would have meant a lot. I don't get a lot of physical touch in my life, and when I am in crisis or depressed, really crave it.

I never did approach it with him though, or asked him what his boundaries are. I just kind of figured it out as therapy progressed. Maybe I should - I could be so wrong - think what I could be missing out on

Boundaries rock. If I didn't have boundaries then there would be a lot of dead people around! And animals.

Yeah isn't that how you ended up in Australia to begin with?? JUST KIDDING!! That shipyard scene from David Copperfield where he's seeing his friend and his constantly breeding wife off to Australia where "something has finally turned up" keeps replaying in my head.