[Chopin99]

It all reminds me of Peter Griffin in Family Guy: "Let's go drink until we can't feel feelings anymore."

Through what I have been posting lately, I realize something. Honestly, I don't really feel feelings. It's as if I have a intellectual awareness of them, in a manner of speaking, but can't really feel them. My brain says (in a very Vulcan manner), "Look at all you've been through, you are sad." Do I cry? No. Do I really feel sad? No. I feel somewhat depressed. Tired.

There is a block. In trying to figure out what the desires were related to T (holding or touching me in some way so I can cry), I think I discovered the answer. I want the block gone. I want to access the feelings. I have no idea how.

And it's a week before I see T. Of course I've received no call or email from her. There is almost never a cancellation and if there was, she probably didn't let the office staff know that I wanted the slot. She's still pretty forgetful.

[stopdog]

Could you call and let the office staff know you want an appointment if there is a cancellation? From what you have said, they know she is still a bit forgetful.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

It's as if I have a intellectual awareness of them, in a manner of speaking, but can't really feel them. My brain says (in a very Vulcan manner), "Look at all you've been through, you are sad." Do I cry? No. Do I really feel sad? No. I feel somewhat depressed. Tired.

There is a block. In trying to figure out what the desires were related to T (holding or touching me in some way so I can cry), I think I discovered the answer. I want the block gone. I want to access the feelings. I have no idea how.

Chopin, that's me too! I want to cry with my T but I can't. I want to feel the feelings, the sadness but I TELL T I feel sad. I wish I could SHOW her. I don't know how either. Sorry I can't help but I hope we can both learn how to access the feelings.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

There is a block. In trying to figure out what the desires were related to T (holding or touching me in some way so I can cry), I think I discovered the answer. I want the block gone. I want to access the feelings. I have no idea how.

I think this is a huge insight right here. You're able to see that there are feelings, and that there is something blocking them. Really, this is huge! Now that you have the DESIRE to remove the block, it will happen. I believe that the feelings want to come out, that that is the natural state of things. It's the block that is not normal. I truly believe if you want that block gone, it will. It's probably in the unconscious part of your mind, and that can take a while to get the message from your conscious mind that you want to change the way you operate.

You've made so much progress lately! I hope you can feel good about it. Keep working on this, with or without T. She can certainly help speed this up, but you can also work it on your own until you can see her. I hope you get to see her soon!

ETA - It was your unconscious mind that created the block in the first place, for self-preservation. Remember that you created it, and you can take it down. You have the power.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by TheBunnyWithin

I think this is a huge insight right here. You're able to see that there are feelings, and that there is something blocking them. Really, this is huge! Now that you have the DESIRE to remove the block, it will happen. I believe that the feelings want to come out, that that is the natural state of things. It's the block that is not normal. I truly believe if you want that block gone, it will. It's probably in the unconscious part of your mind, and that can take a while to get the message from your conscious mind that you want to change the way you operate.

You've made so much progress lately! I hope you can feel good about it. Keep working on this, with or without T. She can certainly help speed this up, but you can also work it on your own until you can see her. I hope you get to see her soon!

ETA - It was your unconscious mind that created the block in the first place, for self-preservation. Remember that you created it, and you can take it down. You have the power.

These are all good points and I do feel good about the insight. I figured if I quit analyzing it, something would come to mind and it did. Thanks for your comment. I realize I have the power, but I don't know how to access it yet.

I sent a short email asking if there'd been any cancellations and when I am available.

Originally Posted by rainbow8

Chopin, that's me too! I want to cry with my T but I can't. I want to feel the feelings, the sadness but I TELL T I feel sad. I wish I could SHOW her. I don't know how either. Sorry I can't help but I hope we can both learn how to access the feelings.

Me, three!!! Same thing - when I talk about my sad feelings, I dissociate, turn intellectual and there is this wall that goes up between my heart and the rest of me. A protector, indeed... just want to unlearn this damaging pattern and relearn a healthy one...

If anyone has tips/tricks, let me/us know! At least we're all in this together...

Originally Posted by eastcoaster

Me, three!!! Same thing - when I talk about my sad feelings, I dissociate, turn intellectual and there is this wall that goes up between my heart and the rest of me. A protector, indeed... just want to unlearn this damaging pattern and relearn a healthy one...

If anyone has tips/tricks, let me/us know! At least we're all in this together...

Me, four! I absolutely HATE when I go numb and cannot let the feelings out! Hate it with a passion. I'd honestly rather hurt than not feel anything at all. That's like being dead. At least when I'm hurting, I'm alive.

The only thing that seems to help with me is visualization. I'm kind of weird, and this might not work for everyone, but it seems pretty powerful. I visualize what I want to change.

I first tried this when I was trying to let T in and couldn't. It works best for me at night, when I'm in that relaxed state before or after sleep. I visualized the wall between me and the rest of the world, and over 3 nights I was able to conjure up T INSIDE the wall. The wall remained intact - I just let him inside. Did it work? Oh you betcha!! The next session I was so sensitive to him that I cried for 3 days over perceived slights. Really powerful stuff, but the bottom line is that the visualization worked. This is the only thing I've come up with so far.

Maybe others have some workable ideas. I'm open to ideas!!

[Honeybun]

This is me also! I have only really "felt" sad once in several years of therapy. I cried the entire session. However I was regressed and not in control of anything at the time. I hope we can all one day learn to "feel".

[critterlady]

The only time I've really expressed emotion with T is when I'm talking about my mother - her illness and subsequent death. Other than that, I'm all in my head.

[Chopin99]

Heard from T:

No cAncellations at this time. Should know by end of day if anyone cancels for tomorrow.

The short terse email probably means I'm on my own.

And yes, her email had the freaky capitalized "A".

[stopdog]

Although I do not understand all the feeling body stuff talked about in this thread - I am sorry to hear there have been no cancellations (the thing I do understand) - I hope someone cancels for tomorrow.
Sometimes the freaky capital letter thing happens to me on my phone or ipad.

[Chopin99]

Yeah...she replied from her Blackberry. She only replies to my emails via Blackberry or iPad.

[Chopin99]

Geez...now I have that wonderful irrational abandoned feeling. I want my T dammit!

I guess I should ask myself, "Regress much?"

Chopin, I tried to explain to my T yesterday my internal "rules" for having an emotion. First, I had to check to see if the emotion was rational. Does it make sense for me to be having this emotion about this situation? If no, well then, I don't have that emotion. Second, even if the emotion makes sense, is there a point to having this emotion? Will anything change as a result of my emotional response? No? Well, then what's the point of feeling anything about it? It just IS.

My childhood was horrible and abusive. So? Although it would make sense to be angry about that, what will my anger change? Nothing. Therefore, I am not angry about it. I have a headache and a stomach when I think about it, but I am not angry. Nope. Huh uh. Not a bit.

My T's work has been to get me to see that I get to be angry even when it solves nothing. I get to be sad just because I'm sad. I get to feel. I'm still trying to decide whether that's a good thing or not.

Originally Posted by Chopin99

I guess I should ask myself, "Regress much?"

I'm a little bit in the same place... all of a sudden last week at the beginning of our Tues session the child came out and wouldn't talk, didn't feel comfortable sharing what was inside after building up trust for 21 months and being much more freely able to share consistently for the past 6-8 months. Then I started beating myself up about this wondering why on earth I was regressing (and T got a little confused by what was going on). My best guess is that there are phases and while we're on an upward trajectory, small triggers will happen that temporarily have us going slightly backward. The measure might be if we're able to bounce back onto the upward path quicker than before. The biggest thing is not to beat ourselves up... easier said than done!

[WikidPissah]

sOrry you didn't get an appointment.
(I like freaky capitalized letters)

I don't think there is a way to force emotions. Someone once told me the numbness will melt away after a while if you keep trying to be open. I wouldn't know, I am a long ways from melting.

[jenluv]

Chopin, you have described so much of what I've been experiencing. Reading this thread has been truly helpful. I hope more folks chime in.

I really, really need that block gone, too.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by WikidPissah

sOrry you didn't get an appointment.
(I like freaky capitalized letters)

I don't think there is a way to force emotions. Someone once told me the numbness will melt away after a while if you keep trying to be open. I wouldn't know, I am a long ways from melting.

thAnks WiKi. I guEss the freAky capitaLized letTers doN't botHer mE tOo mUch

I guess there were no cancellations. I feel like I'm one step away from a breakdown...it's simply because I can't get what I want right now (T). Once again regressing.

[Chopin99]

Broke down and sent this email to T...I feel so weak:

I hope you realize I'm trying not to breach boundaries or be a pest because I want to put that part of myself behind me. I want to be healthy and I recognize I'm healthier, but I've realized recently I still have a long way to go; even while you keep asking me if I realize how well I'm doing.

There are several things putting me in the place I am right now, which feels like going backwards. While I anticipated this as I moved further into my issues, it didn't prepare me for what it entails.
1. Three large, mundane work projects due next week. At the pace I am going, I will have no holiday weekend to rest and recover (I'm spending it alone anyway).
2. Because these tasks are mundane, they give me a lot of time to think, reflect, pray, and think some more.
3. I managed to mess up our new website Monday. I haven't learned the content management system well enough to make the change *boss* asked me to make. While he took it in stride, he managed to embarrass me in front of my coworkers by telling the management team during a meeting, "Chopin broke it." (It's fixed now)
4. I finished the section of Boundaries dealing with the laws and some of it really bothered me.
5. My friend A is very depressed and confessed to me she's been having suicidal thoughts and swore me to secrecy.
6. I've worked through something in the past few days with the help of my forum friends. I realize I'm stuck in an area and need help.
7. All of the above and I'm alone.

Please can we not skip a week any more in my therapy unless one of us is sick or on vacation? Thanks for scheduling so far out last time to try to prevent this in the future.
I'm sorry if I'm bothering you.
Chopin

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by Chopin99

There is a block. In trying to figure out what the desires were related to T (holding or touching me in some way so I can cry), I think I discovered the answer. I want the block gone. I want to access the feelings. I have no idea how.

And it's a week before I see T. Of course I've received no call or email from her. There is almost never a cancellation and if there was, she probably didn't let the office staff know that I wanted the slot. She's still pretty forgetful.

I think you are in touch with your anger, anyway!

When I drained my anger, I found other feelings hidden underneath.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

I think you are in touch with your anger, anyway!

When I drained my anger, I found other feelings hidden underneath.

I feel much more frustrated than angry. I haven't really even gotten angry yet. Geez...maybe I have a long way to go.

Dammit.

[CantExplain]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

Chopin, I tried to explain to my T yesterday my internal "rules" for having an emotion. First, I had to check to see if the emotion was rational. Does it make sense for me to be having this emotion about this situation? If no, well then, I don't have that emotion. Second, even if the emotion makes sense, is there a point to having this emotion? Will anything change as a result of my emotional response? No? Well, then what's the point of feeling anything about it? It just IS.

My childhood was horrible and abusive. So? Although it would make sense to be angry about that, what will my anger change? Nothing. Therefore, I am not angry about it. I have a headache and a stomach when I think about it, but I am not angry. Nope. Huh uh. Not a bit.

My T's work has been to get me to see that I get to be angry even when it solves nothing. I get to be sad just because I'm sad. I get to feel. I'm still trying to decide whether that's a good thing or not.

Make sure you take time to feel your emotions before you rationalise them away.

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Make sure you take time to feel your emotions before you rationalise them away.

Well, now that I've read both pbutton's and sweepy's threads about their therapy being cut off or changed due to mental health reform, I am feeling rather angry. However, my meds are also kicking in and mellowing me quite a bit. It's past my bedtime anyway.

[CantExplain]

Sweet dreams my pet!

[Chopin99]

Originally Posted by CantExplain

Sweet dreams my pet!

Thank you, CE. Considering it's almost 2 am, I need to rest. More policy manual enumeration tomorrow followed by my annual physical exam by my GP. I'm so excited (can't you just hear the sarcasm dripping).