Today's session ended in emails...

So my email:

"I don't think you get it. I'm on the verge of quiting therapy. I feel like our relationship had changed so much from the beginning, and I hate it. Maybe our therapeutic relationship is damaged? The fact that I'm pushing your boundaries is a huge issue for you, AND me. I feel like it can't be worked through. Even if I am getting better, it seems to always be at a pace too slow for you now. PLEASE stop pushing me so hard. You used to give me a safe place to express all my unregulated emotions but you took that away, and it's so hard having no where for it to go. I don't have that safe place to get out all my feelings anymore. I don't feel like therapy is that safe place anymore. What is going wrong with us, with our therapy? I don't feel like I can express anything to you anymore, because all you are going to tell me is you need to go to the hospital. I know you cant be there all the time, but I do need you sometimes. When are you going to slow down and help me just work through stuff like you used too? It's like since you realized I'm bipolar you've treated me different. You jump to hospital stuff all the time now. All I want is for you to talk stuff out with me. It's SO hard for me to ask me for that. It's ALL I need, but it's exactly what you've stopped doing. You can talk me out of any thought. You words have more power than anything. I'm here ready to listen. I'm NOT going to hurt myself. I promised you if I ever was going to I would tell you and that has never changed, so DROP it. There is a huge disconnect somewhere. Why don't you see it? Can we even fix this?"

His email:

"Lost i have not changed, i promise to deal with your issues in therapy, the only thing i have been trying to express is that outside of therapy there needs to be boundaries if i don't explain the boundaries then they will continue to be broken. I hope you see that this is all that i am saying. I do want to continue to work with you, but it is up to you of course. i hope to see you monday where we can further discuss and hopefully resolve any misunderstanding you have"

What do you guys think? This boundary thing is still affecting us.

what boundaries is he putting in place in your sessions?

Still working on email boundaries.

ahhh email boundaries. those are always tough♥ we went through something very similar a few years ago where we were completely cut off from all emails,texts or calls for 10 days because we had broken the boundaries really badly. and although it felt like we were going to go into complete meltdown mode,every time we wanted to send something and we resisted it was a small victory for us. it also helped to write out what we wanted to say and save it for when we could send it. then we went back and re-read it and saw how much of it really didnt need to go out anyway♥

But you desperately needed some email boundaries. He should have had them in place from the beginning, so unfortunately the damage has been done. You've learned that you have total access to him and his help all the time via email. That just was never realistic and probably added to your difficulties at managing your emotions.

He is doing right by you right now, but it will be a painful process for you to actually use the skills to manage your emotions more often by yourself rather than always expecting that he will be there to get you through it each and every time. The transition into these healthier boundaries will take time. Just keep working at it. In the long-term this really will be much more helpful to you.

T handles her boundaries and doesn't involve me in that. I can email loads and she responds. Sometimes this has gone on for days and she replys. It feels like a baby crying in their cot needing reassurance their needs are not destructive. With time that crying lessens in intensity. if she were to have told me I was only allowed sch and such I'm sure that would have increased the desire.

Are you saying that because there is a boundary that you can only email 2x day, he "took away" the safe place of therapy? I am obviously not in your sessions, but your T is saying that this very reasonable boundary is the only change. Even if that is what you're saying, you can send as many thoughts to him as you want, you can write huge long emails, you just can't send them more than 2x day. It seems like maybe your real issue is that you can't contact him a bunch of times per day and rely on getting a fast reply.

You said, "I don't feel like I can express anything to you anymore, because all you are going to tell me is you need to go to the hospital."

I may be misremembering, but wasn't this his response to one of your multiple emails? Has he ever said this to you in session? If he hasn't, then aren't you really exaggerating or misstating what he has really said to you?

You said, "It's like since you realized I'm bipolar you've treated me different. You jump to hospital stuff all the time now."

Again, didn't this "realization" by him (which was likely long before you think it was) coexist with him re-setting the email boundary? And, again, has he ever suggested the hospital outside of an email?

"All I want is for you to talk stuff out with me. It's SO hard for me to ask me for that. It's ALL I need, but it's exactly what you've stopped doing."

You just did ask for that, which is awesome. Again, if he is attempting to talk stuff out with you and you're the one refusing (in session), then you've got to take some responsibility there. It's your therapy. You have to ask for what you need. That's how it works. If you mean "talk stuff out" as "I want to email you a bazillion times a day", then that's not going to work-- with this T, or with any competent T.

I think you should stop emailing your T altogether. You can't do therapy via email. I think you can keep a journal and bring it to therapy sessions if you want to share it with him. Otherwise, I think you should expend your energy on actually doing therapy once a week or whatever and bag the email, which seems very counterproductive and dependency-making.

More and more I stick by my theory that it is the immediacy of email that is such a sticking point. Not the writing of info for therapist to read. Try writing and posting 10 letters a day - I bet most people would not do it.

I am sorry it is so hard as the seeming unilateralness of the decision. But LMW21 - did you get to have input into keeping 2 emails a day? Have you discussed different things you might do that give you a sense of control or at least some partnership in the discussion of boundaries and can you realize he cannot be at any client's beck and call daily? He cannot (and I as others believe never should have tried to) keep handling multiple emails from any client every day. I don't do it with students. It would make me crazy to do so and would not help the student.

No he keeps bringing hospitilaztion up in session. Talk stuff out as in session, not in email.

Yeah we came to the two emails a day thought together, and I've actually been keeping to it 95% of the time.

You can write and then discuss what you wrote. It is not a matter of writing instead of talking. Why is it so important to email rather than write it down as a guide to what to discuss at the next appointment? Do you know? (Not that you have to tell me, just wondering if you knew what useful purpose to therapy the email meant to you)

The emails purpose was to help me with our connection in the beginning between appointments, and to get out all my unregulated emotions in the moment in a safe place so I didn't do anything unsafe or impulsive.

(((lost))) I am not sure what happened. Did you go on another email frenzy, or is he still harping on that tough weekend? If he mentioned the hospital again in session then he is concerned for your safety.

Big hugs to you. I can so totally understand where you are comming from with your emotions. I was lucky because T was clear that I could email all I wanted. He never said anything about reading his email.
I am sorry your T gave you something and you feel it is gone. That is painful loss.

Yeah I thought you were doing pretty well on keeping the emails to 2 per day. You're doing great hon. This is really hard stuff but you've stuck with it this far and I think you can stick with it through this little change too even though it seems very difficult. It sounds like you have a really good T, he imposed some reasonable limit on the emails which he probably should've done from the beginning, but look how much he cares about and is responding to you! Don't give up yet. You see him again Monday. That's only 3 days away.

Sorry you're hurting.

LMW21,
Yes dear, I can completely understand how the changes are hurtful. Trust me girlfriend I have been down this path before you and it was ugly. Ugly and hard, but a beautiful reward. I hiked the Napali coast this year and it was treacherous at best but the views and experience was nothing short of awesomeness.

This is what t's do that they don't disclose in the beginning. They foster dependence by being there at first, responding to all of our distress like an infant. However, they move real quickly to treating us like a toddler and being the "good enough" parent. Not responding to every cry and encouraging separation.

Now all of you peeps that vomit a little when talking about reparenting therapy just shush because you haven't been there or probably needed it. This is specifically for Lost and she needs this sort of therapy.

Like me, you probably signed on the dotted line not having any clue what you were getting into and what level of dependence you would actually have on this person. Ambush! Surprise! The one thing that sucks totally about this is that in normal development a child gets support for 18+ years actually more like 26 years of significant support and teaching. Therapy is the accelerated version of that. But it all goes back to "good enough."

Your t cares very much for you, it is obvious, he may make some rookie mistakes along the way, my t did and he had 26 years experience before little bomb KC appeared in his office. The fact that he does care so much is the very reason he goofs up. He is whole heartedly hook line and sinker involved in you. There will be this dance of closeness, farness, and changing boundaries as you go along. It is his committment that matters and it is your attachment that will get you through. Try not to fight it so much and act out but make sure you put words on your hurt and disappointment. That will work out so much better, ok? You can do this. This is a good thing even though it is incredibly difficult. You will grow, because I started where you did and I am now a tweener. An ackward tweener that is watching a toddler in therapy struggle like I did. Hugs KC

Thanks KC

I spazzed out last night and messed up all my progress by breaking down and sending like 10 texts.

can you try our suggestion and maybe try writing them out on wordpad or even a notebook just to get the urgency calmed a little? or does he immediately respond to everything you send? we arent sure if you had said but is borderline one of your dx?

I asked once he said no for that dx. He doesn't immediately respond. I just was having a breakdown last night.

Really, really SMART post. I haven't done reparenting therapy but I have been a parent. As a parent, we often think that a need fulfilled is a need extinguished. So if I applied that to what might be going on in Lost's therapy, it might be that T's think that rapid and secure responding will lead to a lower level of need by the client. When that doesn't work, they change tactics.

But reparenting has got to be more complex than parenting, so I appreciate the perspective you shared.

Thank you, Kacey. Thank you. I am going to save this somewhere safe, because before too long I will need it. So glad you made it to the tweenage years safely. Wishing you well as you journey on

ok was just wondering♥ so in knowing he doesnt immediately respind maybe write each time you feel you need to,then wait until its safe to send the emails and condense everything or maybe send it in 2 parts? it may seem like you just *have* to get it out there to him but if you try and step back a bit it may give you a different perspective♥

ut oh, oopsie! No worries lost...it happens. Get back on the wagon and limit your texts. You can do it, I know you can!