Therapist Set New Boundaries

Last week, I emailed T a copy of a post I made here on PC to the thread "A Safe Place to Cry?" which made me feel very vulnerable. In my email I stated that sending the email raised my vulnerability with him to a new level; that I was putting a lot of faith in the trust I had in him and his ability to help me see that expressing these needs were not shameful or embarrassing, or made me look like a child.

His response was simply "Just wanted to let you know I received this and I look forward to our session to discuss this thoroughly." I felt really let down; that he could have at least added a single sentence along the lines of "I can see how important this issue is to you, and I will treat it with sensitivity and care." I sent him an email expressing my hurt and disappointment that he did not address my feelings in his generic response; that he was in fact reacting similar to the way my husband had been lately - solve, solve, solve - never mind addressing the feelings. This was his email response:

I feel the best way to address these feelings and concerns is to do so in session (face to face). So I intentionally do not give substantial responses to emails because I want to reinforce addressing and processing important issues in session versus via email (which as you can see is not my preferred modality). I value the emails that you have sent as a way of emerging into addressing these feelings in session, but I do not want to stymie your progress by reinforcing the processing of these emails via the internet. Although this may not meet your wishes in the moment, I feel that we need to maintain the frame of treatment as being a process that happens in the room together, where we can give full, complete attention to discussion what you're feeling, thinking and experiencing with greater accuracy and productive dialog. So my brief responses are to acknowledge receipt of your emails and to let you know that the information is important and will be a focus of our next session. I hope you can understand my rationale.

We discussed this in session today, and he said that this will be his practice from now on - acknowledgement only. That if anything has an emotional content, I should wait and send it on Thursday for discussion the next day during session (we meet on Fridays). I can understand his reasoning in a way and I agree in theory, but my heart feels hurt. I feel like I've been cut off from a source of understanding and guidance that has been there for me for the past six years, and is now gone. I have never abused the email privilege, one per week, a lot of weeks none. As I've posted before, we are moving toward termination some time in 2013, so maybe this figures in somehow?

I could really use some input on this. Thanks, and hugs to everyone

Two things - because you DON'T like how he answered, it has become more important to keep you SAFE outside of session - that's how I would interpret "limiting" email contact. Your vulnerable time with him will only be in his presence, in session, or shortly before by email. I see it as warmly embracing.

2nd thing - I like when my T DOESN'T answer I'll tell him at session that I ALMOST texted him about something, but I didn't want to BOTHER him. So idk now it's like he's training me to text, to feel that someone DOES like me (which was never the case at home or with husbands), but my self-esteem doesn't rely on an instant response from him. Used to be I would text or email, and then feel sick until I heard back from him. Now I just text; but as you say, don't abuse the privilege; and I know we'll talk about it in session - you helped me see THIS part, thanks.

Reading the threads on this forum I can see that T's have different policies regarding this. I can only tell you that my T doesn't even acknowledge email, unless it concerns scheduling. He's been in private practice for a long time, and says that he has seen too many misunderstandings - sometimes with serious consequences, such as court cases - that have stemmed from "email therapy." So his policy is that he does read all email, but will not reply. I've only sent 3 emails in 14 months, and sometimes I really really wish he could just say a few words. I know that it's painful when you need that connection between sessions. It would be doubly painful if you had that privilege and then it was taken away. I'd feel rejected, even if my head understood and accepted it.

And yes, I think you're probably right that he's trying to prepare you for the independence of ending therapy, to sort of force you to rely on yourself inbetween sessions. It really sounds like he's got your best interests at heart here, so try not to feel it as a rejection.

I'm afraid this is standard policy. It feels pretty cold, but that's the way it is. Ts say it is for your own good, but even now I don't really believe it.

I use the word "but" a lot, don't I?

Your therapist's response is what is to be expected because saying more crosses the line to doing therapy by email, and most don't want to do that. They want your therapy to happen with them and you there together.

It is nice, though, to be able to email and then talk about it the next session. I like being able to get it written down and "out there" so we can talk about it.

My T will not respond to emails and she mentioned it to me in my appointment. She said that she reads them but doesn't respond until we are in person. I get it. Lets say if my T has 10 -12 clients and each client wrote an emotionally detailed email that would be 12 emails a day and the time to read, digest and respond. That doesn't include the time to respond to any additional emails.

I think our T's care but they can't be available to us on a moments notice via email and to some degree it does make sense to save it for the therapy room. My T doesn't encourage email unless it is something I feel is very important.

Many hugs and I think what your T wrote was very thoughtful.

I agree with your T that it is best to discuss important concerns and feelings in person. "Face to face" is so important to therapy. It sure does hurt though, when the T changes the "rules" on us, especially when you feel you didn't abuse his generosity in the past with frequent emails. I hope you will be able to adjust without too much pain to the new system. I only email my T about scheduling. I'm not sure he has a rule about it, but this is how it works for us. We have really deep sessions, though--there can be a lot of intensity. I think email therapy would feel really unsatisfactory in comparison.

((((((Towanda))))))))

It hurts when the rules change And I bet it will feel hard at first to not get the responses you are used to.

It's okay to talk about the hurt as much as you need to. For me, sometimes just knowing that T heard me and understood how I was feeling would sort of take the edge off the feeling.

I would guess that this isn't related to you upcoming termination in 2013, but probably a blanket policy he decided to institute for one reason or another. It does makes sense AND it feels bad.
to you!

That sucks.
Eventhough I can see how doing therapy over mails can be easily misinterpreted (and I try not to do it cause I tend to not like the respond I get from him- sometimes it calms me down but often it makes me angry) I don't think Ts should change their boundaries unless client agrees or they turn up to be severely damaging for the client.

I have seen this happen to a few people on PC, and it is always very painful when boundaries shift or change. I'm sorry that you are going thru this with your T. I hope you can see this as an across the board thing and not just a punishment for you.

These aren't really boundaries; they're rules; you can't run at swimming pools, you can't talk loudly in the library, it's not possible to do therapy with a therapist except in person. If you don't take the rules personally, or compare yourself with others (other people make more money at their jobs than I do and I bet I work harder :-) it is a lot easier to concentrate on the actual therapy and relationship during the session and what one is working on with one's therapist.

A large part of therapy is the "tension" one week to the next, the thinking about and working with the material one has generated during the session. If the "steam" is let out in between, then the session doesn't work as well, it's like an old time train. If you want to keep chugging along, getting to where you want to get to, don't waste the energy the two of you are creating in session by dissipating it between sessions.

well perna, you really make a lot of sense, and I am keeping this thought. thanx.

Thank you so much to everybody who replied to this I did a lot of thinking about all of your posts. I also went back over some of the emails I've sent T over the past year (I kept a lot of them). I realized this man has incredible patience. He's been conducting mini-sessions via email with me almost weekly; I'm borderline, and some of the emotions that have come up would try the patience of a saint. It's a wonder he didn't reign me in before this. He's right - the work needs to be done face to face in the office, not via email, where so much can be misunderstood. And leaning on him like that every week was not teaching me to be independent, to regulate my emotions on my own.

I know that in my head - I just need my heart to understand. It will, eventually - right now I just feel a little bit abandoned. I know it's for the best, I really do, but I will miss that reassuring presence. Oh well, guess I had to put my big girl panties on eventually

Thanks so much everyone - love and hugs to all - take care

I think it's reasonable on his part but I can also understand your feeling hurt. I have never emailed my T except to change appointments. Maybe journalling about it can help you and you can discuss what you wrote in your session?

That's an interesting theory.
But it can be unbearably painful for the patient.

It's all very well to plan for the long term good of the patient, but unless you provide some pain relief as well, the patient isn't going to to be there in the long term.

Thank you for this I am finding it incredibly difficult to deal with the emotions surrounding this new boundary. My feelings are swinging wildly from rational (I understand why he's doing this - it makes sense) to I feel abandoned - he's just like my father (I hate him, F him, I'm quitting therapy). But that's my irrational, borderline self talking - gotta reign her in. Just feeling sad, I guess. Thanks for putting into words what I'm feeling.

I just went through this same thing with my T. Email boundaries changed I felt hurt and abandoned and wanted to quit therapy, even though rationally I knew he was just creating healthy boundaries for us. Anyway end result almost a month later, we have recovered from our boundary change. It was hard at first but it's what I needed as well. I used to email multiple times a day, now I only email twice and he responds a lot less and that's OK. I know it hurts a lot now, but I got through it with my T and I am sure you will too. Don't lose faith it gets easier. I'm sure your at has your best interests in mind as well.

when i first started with my T she told me the only way to contact her was to call reception. no email and no direct line. i didn't like it at first but i'm okay with it now.

she made it this way because if i were to email her or call directly during a crisis and i needed immediate support and she was out on a home visit or in a meeting or something where she wouldn't get the email/call then i would have reached out like agreed except it could be too late by the time she got back to me. so when i call reception they tell me how long it will be before she'll be free and if i'm in crisis then they'll contact her straight away or contact someone else for me.

after seeing her for months i now have her email address but the rules still apply. they only time i can email her is sending her my diary card the night before our session, so if something else is agreed in session for a once off - like letting her know i did tell my family how i am or something.

so it can be hard but Ts usually have the patients best interests in mind. good luck

My T responds to my e-mails in the same way - only acknowledgement of their receipt and that we will discuss in session. The only exception to this lately has been the offer of another earlier session if things have been particularly bad for me.

Thanks everyone. I didn't realize so many of us had boundaries on email set from the outset. I guess I was spoiled - getting a little extra therapy for free every week.

I'm doing a little better today - anger has dissipated a little bit. I'm starting to be able to see the rationale behind his actions, and I agree. But wow, what has come spilling out on paper!! I've accused him of putting himself in a position of power, dangling hurting clients on a chain, watching them suffer. I've told him I hate him, despise him, F this, F that, cancel all my sessions until after August, in fact I may not come back at all....The venom is just pouring out.

I almost had a heart attack - I hit a random button by accident and someting popped up saying "Email has been sent". I literally freaked!! When I calmed down enough to read the message again, I realize it had been "sent" to myself. Holy Mother of All the Saints!! I hate to think of what would have happend if he had actually gotten that three page email

Anyway, thanks again for the responses, and especially for the hugs - I need them SO MUCH!! My heart is really hurting right now.

This sounds really hard. One thing my T tells me is that people(me, her, others) are allowed to change/shift their boundaries if they need to, although I agree that you should be able to process your feelings with your T. My T does not email or text but I can relate in a different way. There used to be a time that I would give her copies of my journal entries and would put stuff in there so that she would read it before I would have to talk about it. It took a long time, but now I am able to bring everything directly to our sessions and that has been a true turning point for me. Dealing with boundaries, however, are still hard for me and I am sure that if I had been in your shoes, I would have felt confused and hurt. I think it is great that you were able to be so open and vulnerable in your email because that is not always easy to do. I hope you keep posting so we can encourage and support you!