So my question is, I am going through therapy...as we all know. But my partner of 13 years wants me to get better faster. When she is around I feel like I need to suck it up, she always wants me to spend time with her, she is feeling lonely and ignored, i don't say she pretty enough or tell her she looks good. I don't initiate sex, and she never does so she is mad about that too, why would i want sex with someone who is unintentionally hurting me by not allowing me to care for me?...well **** when do I get to fix me? Am i being selfish? Will I heal better without her? I love her but she doesn't get it, nor does she want to....she is more concerned with how i have stopped catering to all her needs all the time. For 13 years i gave to her kids, grandkids, her syblings etc.... me nada. I gave myself substance abuse, to get through it all , no problem....til now. Ugggg

Anyone else have this experience?

[BashfulBear]

I'm sorry you're going through all this rubbish!

To answer your question, yes, unfortunately I have had (and still do have) similar experiences! I'm no longer 'together' with my long-term boyfriend (who also proposed), and I just cannot maintain romantic relationships for very long for this reason.. it's really hard, but I just know in my gut that not pursuing that kind of relationship is the best thing for me right now. That being said, I also have similar issues with my family and friends not allowing me any time to try and help myself. It's really tough, isn't it?!

We just have to establish our priorities and stick to our guns.. it's a shame that so many of the people who should support us simply don't, but such is life, I guess!
Thank goodness for this forum, 'ey?!

[Towanda]

As I get older, I have gotten to the point where I value myself enough to get rid of toxic people in my life. As a result, some long term friendships have withered. I also have relationships with family (my brother) where I have stopped trying to have a close, loving relationship because no matter what I did to foster this, I now know it is never going to happen. He will never call me (I always call him), he and his wife will never invite my kids and husband over their house (we always host all birthdays and holidays here); he always "sounds" good when I call him "You know I'm always there for you" but I know now the words are hollow. So, I enjoy his presence when he's here at my house, but I've accepted that the relationship will never go any further.

Do I regret the loss of these relationships? Just a little. I miss the people, yes, but not the constant angst they gave me. I now value myself and my mental well being enough that I cannot and will not allow them time in my life and heart any more. The smaller circle of people that now surround me love and respect me, and make me feel happy and cared for. I conside that a good trade.

Lola, yes once I started going to therapy it made me set boundaries that changed the "rules of the relationship" with my husband. It was getting uncomfortable in our home but I talked my H into going to see his own therapist and that really really helped. We are broke but much happier and we are both changing for the positive and we both see how we have sort of fed into each others problems.

We have kids and debt and a house and its not that easy to just go your separate ways. Since you are in a similar situation maybe you could consider this.

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Lola, yes once I started going to therapy it made me set boundaries that changed the "rules of the relationship" with my husband. It was getting uncomfortable in our home but I talked my H into going to see his own therapist and that really really helped. We are broke but much happier and we are both changing for the positive and we both see how we have sort of fed into each others problems.

We have kids and debt and a house and its not that easy to just go your separate ways. Since you are in a similar situation maybe you could consider this.

I asked her to see someone, she said maybe ( she thinks i should suck it up and deal as she has)....im the one with the problem apparently. My growing up was , from a story perspective, worse then hers. She had an absent mother,every other weekend, lived with Dad and step mom/ kids, lotsa money. No physical, sexual, mental abuse.... ignored a bunch by dad apparently....so she is very needy and I have taken care of those needs, along with the kids and grands for 13 years but now i have to try to take care of me and i don't have enough time for all.

[mcl6136]

Therapy had a way of "ruining" relationships for me, as the light of truth shined onto how bad some of them were for me.

I was over-functioning, and others were UNDER functioning. I confronted this, and some of the relationships dissolved.

This was the source of a lot of grief for me.

The (relatively few) friends that I have left are good ones, ones that will go the distance for me, I hope. If not, I can deal with this too.

People come into our lives, it seems, for a reason, a season or for a long time.

Perhaps the season is coming to a close? Or perhaps more honesty will mean that you can hold onto something that has a good basis, but needs fine-tuning. Don't be rash...this relationship has had staying power or you would not have made it this long! Only you will know

Blessings to you as you navigate this one. It's tough, and I feel for you.

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Therapy had a way of "ruining" relationships for me, as the light of truth shined onto how bad some of them were for me.

I was over-functioning, and others were UNDER functioning. I confronted this, and some of the relationships dissolved.

This was the source of a lot of grief for me.

The (relatively few) friends that I have left are good ones, ones that will go the distance for me, I hope. If not, I can deal with this too.

People come into our lives, it seems, for a reason, a season or for a long time.

Perhaps the season is coming to a close? Or perhaps more honesty will mean that you can hold onto something that has a good basis, but needs fine-tuning. Don't be rash...this relationship has had staying power or you would not have made it this long! Only you will know

Blessings to you as you navigate this one. It's tough, and I feel for you.

Yes i am the over achiever and she is the under....and all would be well if it remained that way. these are not new issues....i have always buried MY needs and feelings with Drugs and Alcohol, so as to attend to others. Its just not getting fixed as quick as she wants it to. i cant continue on the roller coaster, one day shes on board and then 2 days later, its all me again and im not fixing it....i mean seriously? I am also thousands of miles from any relatives, most of whom I hate anyway.. including Bio mom and Dad. Im all alone, if she leaves...but maybe thats a good thing

[mcl6136]

Originally Posted by LolaCabanna

Yes i am the over achiever and she is the under....and all would be well if it remained that way. these are not new issues....i have always buried MY needs and feelings with Drugs and Alcohol, so as to attend to others. Its just not getting fixed as quick as she wants it to. i cant continue on the roller coaster, one day shes on board and then 2 days later, its all me again and im not fixing it....i mean seriously? I am also thousands of miles from any relatives, most of whom I hate anyway.. including Bio mom and Dad. Im all alone, if she leaves...but maybe thats a good thing

Would all REALLY be well if it remained that way?

Therapy definitely can shake things up.... I went back and forth, rescuing, and over-functioning for a very long time. And then one day...kaboom!

Originally Posted by mcl6136

Would all REALLY be well if it remained that way?

Therapy definitely can shake things up.... I went back and forth, rescuing, and over-functioning for a very long time. And then one day...kaboom!

well for her and the kids and grands and her family....

Lola, when I went through therapy in college, I did not have ANY of the same relationships at the end that I started with. Not ANY. This time around, my relationship with my husband really changed for the worse when I started therapy. Once I was not so depressed, I was unwilling to accept blame for everything that is wrong with our relationship.

My husband, like your wife, seems to think all the of the issues are MINE. His childhood was relatively okay, especially compared to mine, and therefore, he keeps insisting he doesn't need therapy. He is currently going because I told him his choices were to move out or start therapy, but he won't actually work on anything because he doesn't have any issues to work on.

I'm not sure what the answer is. You can only work on things at the speed you are able to. If you try to force things too fast (or as least if I try to force things), it can cause a complete meltdown. Big hugs to you. I hope she will give you the time and space you need.

[stopdog]

I think that a person's change is difficult for others when it effects them - that is not to say one should not change and take care of oneself, just that others (spouse, children etc) are often not happy since the changes also change their life (one does not drop everything to make a snack, one goes and does something that only is interesting to them and partner stays at home - and so forth). So it is uncomfortable for all for awhile and sometimes it works and sometimes it does not. You do need to take care of yourself and I am sorry that your spouse is having a tough time with it and not helping you more.