[Butterflies Are Free]

My last day of school was on Friday and I had one half hour left in my day(I teach). A co-worker stopped in and began talking about a man she had met on Match.com. She encouraged me to try it(I am single and in my early 40s). Well, I dealt with the conversation as well as I could, but after she left, I started to go down that old road of "there must be something wrong with me because I am not in a relationship." I have made great progress in therapy(I have complex PTSD and deal with CSA issues) and my T said, "Her comment might have been well-intentioned but it says more about her than it does about you."
I cannot believe I let it bother me so much. I am not in therapy so I can "be in a relationship" but I am not sure how to just let myself be "okay" as a single person. I want to be in a healthy relationship someday but am not quite ready yet. Is my T correct? Any advice would be appreciated.

[carly011]

Yes!!! try not to worry about it, you are strong to be able to know you are not ready for a relationship. I have not been in a relationship....evert. I have had 3 dates in my life. Never even kissed a guy. Im 19 years old. I try not to let it bother me(though it does) because I KNOW i am not ready yet. My mental state is to unstable. If i cant love myself, how can i love someone else? My anxiety and depression are just to much in control right now, i cant think about others. Right now we need to think about ourselves, and heal ourselves. You will find the right person one day when you are ready

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by Butterflies Are Free

My last day of school was on Friday and I had one half hour left in my day(I teach). A co-worker stopped in and began talking about a man she had met on Match.com. She encouraged me to try it(I am single and in my early 40s). Well, I dealt with the conversation as well as I could, but after she left, I started to go down that old road of "there must be something wrong with me because I am not in a relationship." I have made great progress in therapy(I have complex PTSD and deal with CSA issues) and my T said, "Her comment might have been well-intentioned but it says more about her than it does about you."
I cannot believe I let it bother me so much. I am not in therapy so I can "be in a relationship" but I am not sure how to just let myself be "okay" as a single person. I want to be in a healthy relationship someday but am not quite ready yet. Is my T correct? Any advice would be appreciated.

i agree with your T. you sound very mature saying: "I am not in therapy so I can "be in a relationship" but I am not sure how to just let myself be "okay" as a single person. I want to be in a healthy relationship someday but am not quite ready yet." being in therapy teaches us how to have healthy realtionships. kudos to you for wanting to learn this before you start having unhealthy relationships. i struggled from age 14ish to 24 with not wanting to be single. i hated it. people can be so rude and try to force people to date. it's none of their business really (unless you specifically ask for help in the area). now I'm 25 yr old and finally "okay" with singleness. i'm not sure how spiritual you are, but for me, my answer was learning to give it all to the Lord Jesus Christ and let Him send me the perfect husband in His perfect time. I have by no means give up on finding the right guy. I just came to a place of being content with singleness. I have joined 3 church singles groups in my town. I can mingle with others that have the same interest and it's really good to not feel pressured (most that attend are just friendly people that like to hang out with other singles...most are not there to force a realtionship...even though some have found mr/mrs right).

[carly011]

Originally Posted by bamapsych

i agree with your T. you sound very mature saying: "I am not in therapy so I can "be in a relationship" but I am not sure how to just let myself be "okay" as a single person. I want to be in a healthy relationship someday but am not quite ready yet." being in therapy teaches us how to have healthy realtionships. kudos to you for wanting to learn this before you start having unhealthy relationships. i struggled from age 14ish to 24 with not wanting to be single. i hated it. people can be so rude and try to force people to date. it's none of their business really (unless you specifically ask for help in the area). now I'm 25 yr old and finally "okay" with singleness. i'm not sure how spiritual you are, but for me, my answer was learning to give it all to the Lord Jesus Christ and let Him send me the perfect husband in His perfect time. I have by no means give up on finding the right guy. I just came to a place of being content with singleness. I have joined 3 church singles groups in my town. I can mingle with others that have the same interest and it's really good to not feel pressured (most that attend are just friendly people that like to hang out with other singles...most are not there to force a realtionship...even though some have found mr/mrs right).

Thats actually a really goo idea....i think i might look for a church group like that!

[SeaSalt]

I struggle with this too, BAF. I havent been in a meaningful loving/sexual relationship in a looooong time. I dont know how to do it anymore. Everyone else seems to move thru life effortlessly (I know that is not true but...) while I stand on the sidelines. Did anyone double-dutch jump rope as a kid? Remember standing, bobbing up and down, watching the rope go round and round waiting for the right moment to jump in? Thats what I feel like. Only the right moment never comes.

Part of my problem was sticking with men too long. I am confused by all that and last session T made me feel kinda awkward about it. Ugh...

I think so many people go through this kind of anxiety about being in a relationship or not. My oldest sister went through this following her divorce. What she ended up doing for herself was building her own life and her own identity as the individual she is. She went back to school and finished up her degree. She joined a chorus and was able to meet people who shared her interests. She developed some good friendships with other people who were living independent lives. She returned to church as an organist and met more friends that way. She's a pretty satified and content independent woman now. She realizes she can be an adult without having to have a man. She can live for herself rather than for a spouse and really be okay with that. It didn't happen overnight; it probably took close to 10 years to put herself through that transformation. But she honestly the happiest she has ever been now. I consider her a very brave woman.

There is this cultural expectation that we must have a spouse, that we cannot be fulfilled individuals if we aren't attached to someone else. Maybe what you need to do is develop who you are as an individual, and punch people in the nose when they suggest you need a man.

[mcl6136]

yeah farmer girl I hear you loud and clear...

There are plenty of people out there who are masquerading as "happy couples," when the truth is that they are unable to face the world without a huge amount of "borrowed" ego strength from their partners.

when people talk about their other ....Half...I think....wow, how pathetic! You are a half? I'm single, and am WHOLE on my own.

If I meet someone, great...if not, I'm all about being a whole and integrated person, happy in the world.

[SeaSalt]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

yeah farmer girl I hear you loud and clear...

There are plenty of people out there who are masquerading as "happy couples," when the truth is that they are unable to face the world without a huge amount of "borrowed" ego strength from their partners.

when people talk about their other ....Half...I think....wow, how pathetic! You are a half? I'm single, and am WHOLE on my own.

If I meet someone, great...if not, I'm all about being a whole and integrated person, happy in the world.

You are so right about this but unfortunately for many of us, its just not comforting enough.

If I was 25 years old this may not bother me so much, being and feeling so damn alone. But I am into my early 50s now and it can be very scary. Last session, T seemed to have her mind on something else. She whips out her tablet and proceeds to look up a gay-friendly bar in a town an hour away. Wow, now why didnt I think of that? After explaining to her my total frustration with internet dating (6 years online dating) and the fact that I am wore out from it all, she acted as though she had done something spectacular. Like that was all that was needed. After I got home I thought WTF? Did she not hear what I was saying? Holy cow, most of the time you just dont walk into a bar in another town and meet your life partner in one visit. UGH UGH UGH I am frustrated and depressed again.

[misscath007]

You definately do not need a man to be happy. I have not been in a relationship for 7 years because, frankly, my depression & anxiety are just too problematic at this time in my life. Do I miss having a S.O.? yes, but I think it bothered me more in my thirties when I was obsessed with having a child. Now that that time in my life has passed, I would like to be in a relationship for me, not to get something out of it.

Our society still puts a lot of pressure on women who are unattached. Like something has to be wrong with us for wanting to be alone. Makes me angry.

[Mike_J]

I think it's sort of natural to want to tell people about what you perceive as good things going on in your life. So your co-worker telling you about her date was about her saying things that reinforce her good feelings about her date, and probably she didn't even have a clue that it might upset anyone.

And yes you can be in therapy and in a relationship if that is what you want and what you are ready for.

And it's OK to be single too, but how to be OK with yourself in any stage of a relationship isn't something that I have much in the way of good advice about.

But in general I would say don't get into a relationship that you don't feel ready for. And don't judge yourself by what others are doing, be you, move at your rate, you control your life not the rest of the world.

[SoupDragon]

Hi Butterflies Are Free,

I was married (now divorced) and was with my ex for 17 years. Looking back it was never good and I know a big factor in being with him for so long is because that is what I thought people did - hooked up with a partner and stayed with them - but how it contributed to my wrecked head.

When the relationship ended I immediately joined a dating site to slot someone into that hole, to feel complete.

But now I have decided to start to embrace being single. While a loving relationship may be great (but for me difficult to find), I am telling myself that I do not need someone else in order to define myself, I am capable of looking after myself and not having a partner does not mean that I cannot go out and do things.

I am trying to seek out things I can get interested in and feel fulfilled by (but definitely work in progress).

There are many people who are single for a whole range of reasons (I remember my aunt was a widow for 30 years and now with my own father dying, my mother finds herself single) and I want to be able to feel OK about myself and not only feel OK by being with someone else. I think once I reach that point, then I am more likely to be in a position to have a balanced relationship and not follow old damaging patterns.

Soup

[Butterflies Are Free]

So many great replies - thank you! I have always had interesting hobbies(singing, theater, bike riding, photography, and now African Dance) and have tried to trust that God's timing is better than mine. Even if I ever am in a relationship, I still want to be able to maintain my own identity. Your advice was great and lifted my spirits. I just got home from a good but intense therapy session and was grateful that so many of you responded.

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by mcl6136

yeah farmer girl I hear you loud and clear...

There are plenty of people out there who are masquerading as "happy couples," when the truth is that they are unable to face the world without a huge amount of "borrowed" ego strength from their partners.

when people talk about their other ....Half...I think....wow, how pathetic! You are a half? I'm single, and am WHOLE on my own.

If I meet someone, great...if not, I'm all about being a whole and integrated person, happy in the world.

Amen to this. This was a hard lesson to learn, but it's the truth. Nobody can complete us. We are whole on our own. I believe a partner can complement us in some ways, but our partner shouldn't complete us (if that makes sense)...

[bamapsych]

Originally Posted by farmergirl

I think so many people go through this kind of anxiety about being in a relationship or not. My oldest sister went through this following her divorce. What she ended up doing for herself was building her own life and her own identity as the individual she is. She went back to school and finished up her degree. She joined a chorus and was able to meet people who shared her interests. She developed some good friendships with other people who were living independent lives. She returned to church as an organist and met more friends that way. She's a pretty satified and content independent woman now. She realizes she can be an adult without having to have a man. She can live for herself rather than for a spouse and really be okay with that. It didn't happen overnight; it probably took close to 10 years to put herself through that transformation. But she honestly the happiest she has ever been now. I consider her a very brave woman.

There is this cultural expectation that we must have a spouse, that we cannot be fulfilled individuals if we aren't attached to someone else. Maybe what you need to do is develop who you are as an individual, and punch people in the nose when they suggest you need a man.

I just started back to school to get a Psychology degree lol and then hopefully a degree in Counseling. In December, I went on a 9 day mission trip (alone, but met another missionary once I arrived in Costa Rica). I'm currently in the process of moving to a differnt city. I have always had a longing for a child so I volunteer at Big Brothers Big Sisters as a mentor. That is a healthy way for me to have a relationship with a child, but without all the responsibilities that come with it. If I were married or even in a committed relationship, I couldn't do all of this stuff that I enjoy. Either my activities or my relationship would suffer.