[SoupDragon]

I have received a long e-mail from the other therapist I contacted. Actually reading it makes me already think that he is a good one. He said that his concern is my reasons for wanting to stop with current T and would not want to collude on any avoidance on my part.

However he noted my reasons for seeking an alternative T and would offer me an initial 2 hour session (he says hour sessions are never long enough for the first one, which sounds logical), after I have spoken with my current T about wanting to change.

So now I have a bit dilemma, I am wanting to see my current T badly today, I had a yuky dream last night and he is the one I think of when I think of getting support, so I guess there is some connection there somewhere, but this other T who offers a different approach (more cognitive) does seem good.

I shall get to my point now

I am sure if I get enough courage to talk to my current T this week, he will want to slow things down and explore my reasons why - I am also aware from reading others posts of the sometimes, emotional pull to leave a T.

I know I could just start with this other T without seeing my current T ever again (of course I wouldn't do this out of respect for him as a human being) and I am thinking what's the big deal - my concern is that my T will raise concerns for me about changing T's and I will get all mixed up in my head - and now writing this I am thinking, what if I am making a mistake, what if I do change and then realise it is such a big mistake and that I prefer current T.

Then another part of me reassures me, that if I do have regrets about leaving him, then it is the very best thing for me to leave him at this point - a lucky escape rather than feeling trapped by some emotional connection that I may have no control over in the future.

Not sure whether I have made sense here - such a big part of me is telling me to go for it, it can only have a positive outcome. This other T seems good, more experienced than current T, so what possibly could be harmful and if I do regret leaving current T, what excellent stuff to explore with a T.

[WikidPissah]

I think you should proceed and talk with your current T about it. Don't forget the other alternative here, if for some reason new T doesn't work out and you regret leaving current T, you can always go back. Nothing is set in stone.

[ECHOES]

You are in therapy to learn about yourself, and this is a perfect opportunity to learn something about what you are considering doing. It would be most helpful to you to discuss this with your T, so you can learn more about what's going on with you before making a decision. If you decide to go, it sounds like you have a great T lined up, but I hope you will work through this with current T, or I suspect you will be prolonging the unavoidable and it will happen again with a new T.

[stopdog]

Perhaps my perspective is different because I am not in therapy to learn about myself in some general way - I think I know myself - I am there for a specific thing which may or may not be fixable through therapy.

I see nothing wrong with trying a new therapist. Talk to the old therapist if you wish, tell him you want to try a new perspective or whatever, and, if you feel it necessary or beneficial - tell the old therapist the reasons, and talk to the old therapist about making a plan to have another appointment with that old therapist a month or so after seeing new therapist to discuss which one to continue with. I have never had a therapist object to the idea of checking out other ones. I would run miles away from one who did.

Is it really so hard to leave a T?

All I can say is YES!

[SoupDragon]

Originally Posted by Readytostop

Is it really so hard to leave a T?

All I can say is YES!

Is that a measure of someone's readiness? When we are all good and fixed, will it then be easy?

Or are we all just condeming ourselves to a lifetime of longing for something we can't have - I never read about this in the small print

Honestly, it sounds like you are running away from your current T, maybe the need or acceptance or closeness? That sounds avoidant which is what this other T says he wouldn't want to collude in. I would guess that if avoiding whatever it is about your current T is what is going on, you may find yourself in exactly the same predicament with a different T down the road. Maybe you need to work with your current T to explore why you are doing this. Then, if it is still sounding a like a good move, with your eyes and feelings clear and open, you sound like you might have a decent T lined up down the road.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by stopdog

Perhaps my perspective is different because I am not in therapy to learn about myself in some general way - I think I know myself - I am there for a specific thing which may or may not be fixable through therapy.

I see nothing wrong with trying a new therapist. Talk to the old therapist if you wish, tell him you want to try a new perspective or whatever, and, if you feel it necessary or beneficial - tell the old therapist the reasons, and talk to the old therapist about making a plan to have another appointment with that old therapist a month or so after seeing new therapist to discuss which one to continue with. I have never had a therapist object to the idea of checking out other ones. I would run miles away from one who did.

If you find a way to fix a specific thing without learning something about yourself, I would find that an exception.

[stopdog]

I did say in a general way. For the specific situation, then perhaps, but I am more looking for the information that I can apply to the specific thing.

[roads]

Dear Soup,

My sense is that you have been struggling for a while now with a feeling that it might be time to leave (at least for now) either this therapist or therapy itself. Again ... perhaps only to give things a break and take it up again later.

This new therapist you've made contact with sounds like a possibly good fit with you. The cognitive thing would be an interesting change. The process proposed sounds reasoned. You seem to be leaning toward this. Your T though will be against this, am I right? Wanting to "slow down".

It's only my opinion, but you've been waltzing around this issue for long enough I think. I'm not saying to leave your T, but a consult with another therapist to get another perspective on what future direction your therapy could take for your best benefit doesn't seem to me out of line.

I'm not sure it's how hard it is to leave a T that's at issue so much as how difficult it is to risk change.

Roadie

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Is that a measure of someone's readiness? When we are all good and fixed, will it then be easy?

Or are we all just condeming ourselves to a lifetime of longing for something we can't have - I never read about this in the small print

IMO I think when I've learned to do this close relationship thing with my T and can do it with other people in real life then I won't need my T as much. I've already seen it happening..

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by SoupDragon

Then another part of me reassures me, that if I do have regrets about leaving him, then it is the very best thing for me to leave him at this point - a lucky escape rather than feeling trapped by some emotional connection that I may have no control over in the future.

Is this the crux of the situation?? Is it the emotional connection to your T that worries you to the point of wanting to leave? If so, then I suspect that which T you see is irrelevant - emotional attachment to a T is the norm and you'll likely attach to the new one, too. Perhaps it would be worth it to talk to your current T about that and work through it, as opposed to avoiding it by changing Ts.

[critterlady]

Originally Posted by stopdog

I did say in a general way. For the specific situation, then perhaps, but I am more looking for the information that I can apply to the specific thing.

I've often wondered if it's really a psychology course or two that you're looking for instead of a therapeutic relationship?

[stopdog]

Originally Posted by critterlady

I've often wondered if it's really a psychology course or two that you're looking for instead of a therapeutic relationship?

I have taken some courses in the past. I have read a ton of books. I see the bigger ideas, just not how it plays out with the therapist. I like reading Alice Miller, Susan Clancy and Judith Herman. But I don't see how the interaction with the therapist does anything and I experience the interaction as an awful thing to endure.

[SoupDragon]

Yes I can confirm that it is so difficult to leave a T. I raised it and the session ended with T saying we'd talk more about it next week But I wanted to talk about it more today!

[SoupDragon]

Well it seems it is really hard to leave T. I am still with T and next weeks session is in place.

It has been worthwhile raising it though, I have felt braver feeding things back to T (as I assumed I wouldn't be seeing him for much longer so it felt safer to) and this has resulted in a more open dialogue between us.

Things are sitting differently in my head now and T actually looks physically different to me, so maybe rather than still needing to leave, this issue has actually led to a big step up in terms of my work with T.

There remains the cynic in me, that tells me that T is just trying to keep me hooked in to pay his grocery bills, but my rational head does not believe that.

I know I am still keeping T at arms length and maybe these last few weeks have been about my arm getting tired and it feeling safer to leave than let T get closer to me (or is it about me getting closer to T?).

The morale of the story for me, is that everything is relevant to discuss with T, even those thoughts of quitting.

Soup