[rainbow8]

I've been having my own intrusive thoughts, of course about feelings for my T. I only emailed her once this week because I had a "good" session, but I have that ache-y "I miss T" feeling. It's because I brought up the 2 walks we went on during my session last year.

My T said some T walks with clients all the time; there's nothing wrong with it. I told T that what I remember about the walks, at least one of them, was her zipping up her coat. I felt good on the walk itself, but maybe "too good". I'm not sure what it means, thinking about her zipping up her coat. I'm embarrassed to think it was exciting, but what else could that be? I have no idea!!

I'd like to reframe it so it's "normal". I'd like to be able to go on more walks, since my T thinks it's a good thing to do even though I told her the above. Well, I didn't say "exciting", though I usually tell her everything.

I haven't thought about this for a long time, until I came up with "does feeling good with T have to be bad for me?" The walks made me feel close to T, and made her more real. I don't remember what we talked about, though it wasn't small talk. It WAS therapy.

I want to accept this "zipping up her coat" aspect. It bothers me that I'm thinking about something so insignificant, but you know. "Don't think about a pink elephant". Maybe because T and I were doing something together, something different. I remember asking her if we could go on more walks and she said yes. At the time, but there didn't seem to be a good opportunity then.

I know what the answer is. If the walks are therapeutic, they are okay. But if they are just a way for me to think about my T in "non-productive" ways, then they aren't good. I wish I could try one more time to see which it is. She won't be zipping up a coat in the summer!

I suppose I will bring this up in my session again. I never let her finish the sentence about the T who uses walks in his therapy all of the time. I often don't let her (and others) finish their sentences though I know it's rude. I have to work on that but I don't know I do it until someone tells me.

[lostmyway21]

Me and T go on walks every single session twice a week. We stop and go to stores. He's picked up his cat food, stopped at pharmacy got his allergy meds, got breakfast, all sorts of things. It made him real to me. All these things help my inner child heal. He's in the parental role, he's basically doing reparenting. Our walks are theraputic because in the office I don't talk at all. When we're walking we're always making forward progress, so I tend to open up and talk more. It also added to my attachment to him.

All I can say is give it another try. See if it's a going to be more helpful or not.

[Perna]

I would look harder at the coat zipping if I could; was it the sound, sight, the way she moved, that got your attention? I know I was fascinated with my T's hand for awhile, with her wedding ring on her hand and deliberately copied that. But that represented all of my T to me, her T-ness. So, I could wear my wedding ring and remember her hand and how her ring looked to her and feel closer to her, remember better and think better about what I should do when I was with her and was calmer, etc.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by lostmyway21

Me and T go on walks every single session twice a week. We stop and go to stores. He's picked up his cat food, stopped at pharmacy got his allergy meds, got breakfast, all sorts of things. It made him real to me. All these things help my inner child heal. He's in the parental role, he's basically doing reparenting. Our walks are theraputic because in the office I don't talk at all. When we're walking we're always making forward progress, so I tend to open up and talk more. It also added to my attachment to him.

All I can say is give it another try. See if it's a going to be more helpful or not.

Thanks, lostmyway. I'm glad the walks work for you. I don't have a problem talking to my T; that's not the issue. It's always hot in her office, for one thing! She likes to do different things; I'm not sure why she thought it was a good idea. I have to ask her again.

Originally Posted by Perna

I would look harder at the coat zipping if I could; was it the sound, sight, the way she moved, that got your attention? I know I was fascinated with my T's hand for awhile, with her wedding ring on her hand and deliberately copied that. But that represented all of my T to me, her T-ness. So, I could wear my wedding ring and remember her hand and how her ring looked to her and feel closer to her, remember better and think better about what I should do when I was with her and was calmer, etc.

I don't like to think that it's part of my "pattern". I don't like to think I'm so deprived that I get turned on by something like that. I think it was the sight. She's thin, and she looked like a kid, not a woman. I'm a lot older than she is so sometimes I'm aware of that fact, though usually it doesn't affect me. I think I was in my infatuation phase more then. I thought I was getting away with something to be allowed to go on a walk with her. I'm still fascinated with her bracelets and her hand. What you wrote about your T's hand is interesting to me. It makes me seem I'm not so crazy as I think about these feelings I get. I don't want to have feelings like that about her, though I know part of me does. Thanks, Perna.

My T and I go for walks all the time (when she's in the same country as me!) It is just a normal thing. People go for walks. She's just a regular person.

Do you have any ideas yet on why you keep thinking about the coat thing? Does it mean something to you?

[ECHOES]

The love and connection I feel for my T has been represented by many things and I'm glad for them all. I think in particular I like when something makes me feel taken care of, like moving her chair toward me and leaning toward me, or even taking the new loud-ticking clock off the wall when I mentioned the loud ticking.

I can imagine the sound of a zipper being a taking care of sound. One thing that comes to mind is how we zzzip! kids up in their coats with a loving taking care of demeanor. Another is more adult - T taking care of T (which in turn is T taking care of us, because she will be there for us).

[granite1]

i dont know i think it would be awsome to be able to walk with my T but i can be sure i couldnt handle being with her ouside of the office at all.nope would never happen i would freak

[MASIMO]

My t goes on long ocean walks with some occasionAL male patients but he won't go with me because I'm female. He is afraid of meeting someone he knows and would have to explain who I am I guess. Guess It's protecting my confidentiality but I'm sad he won't do it with me.

[rainbow8]

Originally Posted by SarahMichelle

My T and I go for walks all the time (when she's in the same country as me!) It is just a normal thing. People go for walks. She's just a regular person.

Do you have any ideas yet on why you keep thinking about the coat thing? Does it mean something to you?

I remember thinking the walks made me realize T is just a regular person, but at the same time, I had weird feelings about her zipping her coat. I think it's like being in love, or at least my version of it, where certain things someone did or said would stay in my mind forever. I remember a boy in 1st grade. I used to hang my jacket next to his on the hooks in the closet. I liked him so I never forgot what his Superman jacket looked like. I never forgot my crush in 4th grade, when at summer camp, he smiled at me. I only remember a couple of things like that with my H. With T, there are a lot of memories like that. I'd call them sensual rather than se*ual. It's like they are ingrained in me.

Originally Posted by ECHOES

The love and connection I feel for my T has been represented by many things and I'm glad for them all. I think in particular I like when something makes me feel taken care of, like moving her chair toward me and leaning toward me, or even taking the new loud-ticking clock off the wall when I mentioned the loud ticking.

I can imagine the sound of a zipper being a taking care of sound. One thing that comes to mind is how we zzzip! kids up in their coats with a loving taking care of demeanor. Another is more adult - T taking care of T (which in turn is T taking care of us, because she will be there for us).

I like your theory but it doesn't feel like it fits. I do agree with the connection being reinforced by these memories. I wonder if it's about how babies connect with their mothers?

Originally Posted by granite1

i dont know i think it would be awsome to be able to walk with my T but i can be sure i couldnt handle being with her ouside of the office at all.nope would never happen i would freak

Why do you think it would bother you so much, granite?

Originally Posted by MASIMO

My t goes on long ocean walks with some occasionAL male patients but he won't go with me because I'm female. He is afraid of meeting someone he knows and would have to explain who I am I guess. Guess It's protecting my confidentiality but I'm sad he won't do it with me.

We walked near the office, in a residential area, not near T's home or anywhere anyone would know her or me. I have never had a male T, but don't think I could handle walks or meditation or hand holding or any of the things I do with my female T if I had a male T.

[shoez]

wish I could walk with my T....

[rainbow8]

Now I'm curious. Some of you wish you could take walks with your T. What would that mean to you? It might help me to understand why walks are triggering for me. Thanks!