The most depressing thing about this depression is that it's all my own fault. I have the potential for happiness, I know it, because I've been happy. I'm trying to do the right things, making the happy moves so to speak, and thank goodness I fool most of the people around me most of the time. But I can't keep it up. I dread this summer. If I didn't think about the negative stuff all the time, if I could stop focusing on my own worthlessness, I'd be fine. Worthless, but fine. (OK, contradiction in terms. Perhaps then I would have some worth.)

This incoherent rant was brought to you by Flightless Birds 'R' Us.

And of course this came out as "Please tell me I'm not worthless and it isn't my fault" - which is not what I meant to say at all. I am pretty reticient about what I tell and don't tell here (though not reticient enough) so you wonderful supportive people don't know the background here - so you'll have to trust me when I say that it is my own fault, completely.

if you say so but we dont believe you ♥♥♥

[Fixated]

I hear you. I've recently realized that all of my problems may stem from my own bad reactions or misinterpretations of things in my childhood. There was chaos around me, but nothing happened to me.

Do you find this realization makes things harder? (I know you said it is the most depressing part). It's really painful to realize that I can't rightly blame my family for my problems. No one to blame but myself as you said.

[Perna]

"Fix the problem, not the blame!"

So it's all your fault. Okay, so? Why are you sticking with the broken pieces instead of building anew or fixing or figuring out the problem and ensuring the surroundings and engineering are better this time, etc.

We cannot learn anything unless we make mistakes or "break" things. We cannot understand ourselves under stress unless we are under stress. Think of the testing that goes on with new products; the cars that are driven with unchanged oil until they break in order to make the oil or the cars better; the new tires that seal themselves and get you to a repair shop or the extra gas in a tank after the red light goes on. How and why do you think they got invented? Someone did not take the time to change their oil in a timely fashion, a woman driving at night got a flat tire, one's son borrowed the family car and drove around (true story, my brother :-) and the next driver (me) ran out of gas before they noticed and could get to the nearest gas station.

Depression is not a "problem" it's an opportunity While you work on that self esteem, work on figuring out how to create a bigger self esteem container for yourself. Make sure it's consistent with your other styling :-) I worked on my fears by gaining weight, making myself "bigger" to myself, I could have designed that better I think? LOL Now I'm designing more healthily.

[KazzaX]

Yeah the blame game is of no use. I've been told by therapists and my family for a looong time that its my fault and I only have myself to blame for being mentally ill, blah blah blah. But I don't care about who's fault it is - I just want the solution!

I think its because those who havent actually experienced what we have get the wrong impression. Getting up and being happy is a snap for them! They just can't comprehend what its like to not be able to smile, feel good, have goals or in my case even wash my clothes or have a shower. No idea in the slightest. I get a bit of satisfaction when i imagine some of them walking in my shoes for 1 week. They would have thrown themselves in front of a bus by day 3. And what does that say about us?

That says we are way, way stronger people than they could ever be! I think to myself "if i come out the other side of this I will be a damnnnnn strong woman".

[SpiritRunner]

Well, focusing on the 'all my fault' part isn't the greatest answer for being happy, because it's judging/condemning yourself ..... saying to yourself, self you could be happy but you aren't and it's all your fault, and it's sort of a circular thing where the self-judgment "all my fault' thing keeps you in a place of not happiness or not contentment or not satisfied.
There's difference between that self-judgment/condemnation thing and taking responsibility for choices/accepting consequences.

But I do understand. I don't blame anyone else (even my folks for nature/nurture) because I consider myself capable of knowing, judging, choosing ... I know many times I have chosen the thought processes that keep me in or send me further into emotional tailspins, thoughts that perpetuate the disquiet within. It's just that it's such a damned hard struggle to re-focus those thoughts .... sometimes it seems much too hard, not fair that it's harder for me than others (or so it seems to me!) or I am weary, so I just go down the more well-worn rut, and then I am disgusted I did it, and it's challenging to get out that cycle of 'negative thought, then negative thought about allowing the negative thought that keeps perpetuating the negative emotion' ... blah blah blah.
But getting into a cycle of blame doesn't get one out of the cycle of negative thinking/depression state.

Some self-compassion that says, "OK, I made some choices here that didn't help me very much, but now I have the power/ability to make some choices to help me change this; I can do it!", will serve better.

And then the question is, what is happiness? What is the pursuit of happiness? What does happiness mean to me; how do I define it? How would I know or believe I am happy? Does having to fight off depression or deal with intense emotions at times mean I really couldn't have contentment or peace or joy in things in my life?

I've always wondered if I was happy, thought I wasn't happy, couldn't be happy. I wouldn't call myself a happy person necessarily, because I'm not a sunny, bubbly type person .... but I had a very limited definition of what happiness could be, thinking I HAD to be sunny, bubbly, optimistic, positive, and it was 'all my fault' I didn't have that nature. Well, I've got the nature I've got and that's what I have to work with.
So I've changed my personal definition of happiness .... and find that acceptance of what it is, even acceptance of my struggle with depressive tendencies/intensity of emotion, and mindful joy, is what happiness is for me.

Anyway, I AM sorry it's a struggle for you, and it's a struggle I relate to and have compassion for you in.

[unaluna]

TOO abstract for me. I need a hint.

[stopdog]

I really don't think anyone is more or less worthless than anyone else. I am sorry to hear you are having a tough time.

I appreciate all responses. Am not in any shape to answer right now, but I do read everything you all write.

[SpiritRunner]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

I appreciate all responses. Am not in any shape to answer right now, but I do read everything you all write.

sometimes it works better to just stop thinking about it, stop trying to reason it out, just let go of the thoughts and rest your mind and heart ..... you don't have to sit and think of how/what to answer ..... just rest, let yourself be.
(I'm talking to you and to myself ..... I need to do the same right now)

[BashfulBear]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

you'll have to trust me when I say that it is my own fault, completely.

I don't trust you on this one, lovely - sorry! I feel similarly much of the time, I won't deny it, but too often we're way too hard on ourselves!!! It's not always easy to get perspective on it though - not when we're looking at the situation through our own tinted glasses (so-to-speak) - we're very biased! Have you spoken to T about it?

I am sorry you're feeling so rotten about it right now though! I really don't have much to add to the other wonderful responses, but I'm always here for you if you want to chat or vent about it! I care.. I care a lot!

I agree with Bashful Bear I think you are totally wrong on this. It makes no sense at all honey. I know it feels like it does to you but is there anyway you can see how you have a skewed perspective on this and trust us and those around you who are telling you otherwise? You are soooo not worthless. I've seen your posts on these boards and you are so kind and compassionate with others so I know you have it in you. Can you try to extend a little of that kindness and compassion to yourself?

Apteryx, my therapist is forever telling me, "It's more complicated that than," when I talk about something being all my fault. He says we are all capable of doing things that contribute to our problems, but it is rarely "all" someone's fault.

And if it is all your fault, then what? Does that mean you have to be unhappy or blame yourself forever? I have done A LOT of stuff that has and continues to screw up my life. I am trying to accept that I made mistakes and keep plugging along to try to make things better. It's that or keep lying in bed with the covers over my head. [I did that last evening and it wasn't particularly productive. ]

Yes I agree! When my fiancé and I fight it always comes down to whose fault it is (and it invariably ends up being all my fault --big surprise there!). That's just a huge oversimplification as MKAC says.

OK, I am somewhat more collected now. It's been a tough day, involving two partial meltdowns in front of colleagues. However, fortunately they were the right colleagues to melt down in front of, if that had to happen. I still feel embarrassed about it.

Thank you again for your responses - as for "what do other people say", there are only two people I've mentioned that I feel this way to. One of them, a close friend of mine, claims it's nonsense, every time. The other one is my current T; I said once in passing (one or two sessions ago) that I think all my issues are my own fault, and he responded "Well, that's what we are here to discover, isn't it." I liked that response, it felt as if he was taking me seriously, and it's a little like what MKAC's T says, too. (He's also been briefed by aforementioned friend who wrote him a letter saying, among other things, that I blame myself for all my issues and lie to everybody around me when I'm not happy. Well, of course I do, and of course I do.)

Fixated, you asked if this realisation makes things harder. It makes things very hard to be sure - I have never blamed anybody else, I think, so it's not as if this is a new realisation that brings me down. Though maybe I'm realising more and more that people around me care for me, which makes me more depressed that I'm not a better person.

Perna - why am I stuck with the broken pieces? Because I'm incapable of fixing them. But this is why I'm in therapy. I can't fix them on my own.

KazzaX, Spirit, Stopdog - thank you, I needed to hear those things. And maybe the allocation of blame isn't the most important thing here. I can see that, intellectually (and BashfulBear, I do agree that it's always easier to see this for other people!) but at the same time I know that I'm basically a pretty awful human being. Of course that doesn't mean that I have to sabotage my own happiness forever.

Lillylillie, thank you for your kind words about my posts here. I appreciate that enormously.

I'm just confused, I guess. T tomorrow morning - I'll put all this to him, see what he says about it.

Originally Posted by Apteryx

but at the same time I know that I'm basically a pretty awful human being.

you see! you just did it again! I'm sitting here thinking why does she think she's so awful??? It's like someone saying with absolute conviction the sky is green. I'm looking at the same sky and I'm trying really hard to see the green but I don't see it. It's blue dammit! lol...

YOU ARE NOT A PRETTY AWFUL HUMAN BEING!!! You're actually pretty wonderful. If you can't see that yet okay, but at least try to be neutral about it.

[SpiritRunner]

'basically an awful human being' .... oh really?! not buying that one. that's not a truth .... that's a story you're telling yourself, a story that's coming from a place deep down, a core belief that seems to ripple out and affect your whole life in a broad sense. but it's NOT a truth!
it's very much what I spent 35 years of my life believing, though. and well, I haven't got it totally rooted out either .... this deep deep feeling that I have an irredeemably bad, wicked, rottenly flawed, defective character, that not only is my personality and my mind/heart troubled, but my very soul has a rip in it. well, it seemed so real, that I thought it must be true - and it has been such a deep thing that I still feel it there. BUT! I know better now, believe more now, that it is NOT a true thing. I struggle, I am imperfect, I am flawed, there are some naughty things in my character sure enough, but I am NOT basically an awful human being, wicked, pathetic, beyond repair/redemption, a soul lost .... I am NOT that. I am simply a human being, not simple, but gloriously complex - and there are also good things in me that balance out the not so good. What I believe is true for me I believe is true for YOU, Apteryx, and everyone else here - not a one of us here is 'basically an awful human being', we are all human beings, human beings of imperfection but great worth, with hope and potential .....