T and i talked a long time last night.
In case youre not aware of the situation, i have the best t i n the world, but she is out of the country since last july handling a family illness and stuff. She came back very briefly in Feb and then had to go back.

She doesnt know when she will be home. She said she doesnt have any answers.
Last night she said "stop waiting for me to come home. It just keeps breaking your heart when i dont get there. Stop waiting. Because i dont have any answers for you about when i can be there."

Well thats when we lost it and just started crying,
Because how in the world do we make ourselves just stop waiting for her.?
How am i supposed to handle that
How does one go about "stopping waiting"
It already feels like forever since shes been gone. T agrees it does feel like forever.
She does tell the littles when she talks to them about how she is sure she will be home again, she is sure they will go back to the park for more walks and that they will gofor ice cream again.
But then she says stuff like stop waiting.
What does that even mean?

She is the best t in the world ( just on the wrong side of the world)& we do not want any other t. This t and us are very close.
She knows every secret about us and totally loves us anyway. Last night she said she could always try sharing me with another t in my area that she knows, but we cannot even afford our t let alone another one, and there is no way that we want to start sharing stuff with a new person. There is no way anyone can compare to our t.

We do good work with our t over the phone and skype- lots of hard trauma stuff. But one of the most important and healing things has always been the hugs and hand holding and going for walks and stuff, and we also have no real privacy anymore as we can only talk at the times when my husband is also home from work. He is not even supportive of me being in therapy. We cant get into a lot of the deep stuff that we used to because of no privacy

Anyway.... I am so tired of being heartbroken
We have a lot going on and several deaths in the family and stuff. I am just very very exhausted.

[pbutton]

Your husband is a therapist and is not supportive of you being in therapy??

I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. It sounds really hard.

[WikidPissah]

(((sarah))) I know this has been really hard for you. Just thinking about a new T might make you cringe...but that's all you have to do right now, just think about it. Therapy requires privacy, and this hasn't really been fair to you at all. I know your T cares a lot, but someone nearby might care too. They wouldn't replace T, but they might have a different insight that could help you along the way.

[rainbow8]

My first reaction was about your H. How could he be a T and not understand your need to be in therapy? It breaks my heart to read about your situation, and I don't know you or live with you. I'm sorry for your H's insensitivity.

I can understand your T saying "stop waiting." It seems like your life is on hold until she comes back. But that's not a way to live. You deserve more than that! Maybe she wants you to accept that she will be away a long time, and move forward. I think you are an amazing person, and I know it probably hurts to read that. But maybe it's in your best interests to see another T even though it's the last thing you want to do. Another T won't replace the one you have. It would take time to trust someone else. But it CAN be done. You can do that if it would help you in the long run. Just like there's not one person in the whole universe for a partner (otherwise people wouldn't divorce and marry someone else), there's not one T.

Your other option is to accept what you do have, the skype and phone calls, and just visualize T holding your hand and hugging you. I know it's not the same!!! I do know that, from personal experience, but visualization can be helpful.

Accepting the reality of a situation is extremely difficult, but sometimes we have to do it. We have to grieve for what we can't have and for what we lost. Then we can move on. Sending you lots more hugs than I am allowed to post.

Well, getting another t is not really an option, for several reasons. We did try that back in january and that did not work out at all.
If it was just us grown ups it could be a possibility, but we have about 18 inside kids who refuse, and we are not going to make them. That isnt fair to them to put them thru more trauma.
Yes,hubby us a t but he doesnot really care about us.

[AngelWolf3]

I'm sorry you are going through this! I wish I had advice for you, but I don't Just know I am sending hugs your way.

kids are adaptable but we do understand♥

I am so upset tonignt
Usually T and i have no privacy.
Tonight my husband was gone allllll evening, and t and i could have had hours of privacy to talk about things we needed to. But i couldnt get ahold of her. I tried skype, texts, email, and telephone. Clearly she is out of pocket tonight.
Of all nights

[Dreamy01]

(((((Sarah))))))

You say that you don't want to put the inside kids through more truama by finding another T, but it sounds like waiting around for a T who can't promise anything, doesn't know when she will be back, and can't provide any assurances at all, would be far more painful and truamatic for you.

It seems that your relationship has been defined in a way by T's absences and the waiting around rather than by the theraputic work you've done. Obviously I could be wrong, but it's how it seems lately from your posts.

I totally understand the grief and longing for T, I really do, it is hard, but there's something about identifying when a situation is doing more harm than good. I also think it's easy to get 'stuck' in certain places and emotions without realising there can be another way forward.

I understand you might want to stay waiting for T. But you have the power and choice to decide what is right for you long term.

I guess its hard for me to convey that our t really is the best t in the world for us. She is just amazing . The only problem is that she is so far away.

[Perna]

When my T was away for 5-6 months, I decided I was going to write a book for her. When she returned we were going to be starting on termination work for the last six+ months so I decided I'd do a story of my life in therapy (since I was 20), a novel. I didn't at that time (have since, a few years ago) but the thinking about it and planning it, etc. was very helpful for me while she was away. It helped me better connect to how I understood myself and therapy and my T, etc. My novel I finally wrote had T sessions in it but the whole exercise was really good for me, helped me a lot while she was away.

Could you think of and do a big project like that that the little ones could help with (maybe by illustrating?); a kind of diary for T so that when she does come back you'd have a "book" to give her that would catch her up and tell her things you haven't been able to tell her while she's away because of no privacy, etc.? Maybe a book of poems or short stories, or essays. . .

I like this idea. We are doing a book of collages, and could certainly add more to it!

[BashfulBear]

I'm so sorry, Sarah! It hurts so much, I know!

I'm really unsure what to say - this thread really hits home hard for me - but everybody's given really great input so far. From what I've come to understand from a few of your posts, you have a wonderfully special T! I know you don't want to give her up - heck, I know I wouldn't if she were my T - so I think this is something you really need to discuss further with her!

I honestly don't feel that finding a new T would (ultimately) be best for you right now - and I know that you've pretty much ruled out the possibility already - but I agree that just looking/searching for other Ts that might be of some help.. just so you have an emergency fall-back plan (if - God forbid - it's ever necessary), and have a couple of people you could contact!

[scorpiosis37]

Is there any way to set up times to call/skype your T when your H is NOT around? Or, when she calls you, can you just take your cell phone and go for a walk, so your H can't listen in? You have the right to leave the house, go outside, go to a park, go to a quiet public place, etc. in order to have your sessions away from your H. And, given that your T is the only T you feel comfortable with, it seems finding a way to create privacy with your T via skype/phone might be the best option.

For me, when I've been out of town and arranged phone sessions with my T, I've simply taken my phone, walked out the front door, found a quiet place to sit down, and talked to her from outside. That way, whoever I'm on the trip with can't hear our conversation. In fact, my first phone session with T was one of our best sessions ever!

Yah, i am going to have to just start getting out of the house. I stead of just talking on skype...which is really helpful to see her face.... That helps a lot for both of us ( her to see when we are switching and to tell who is talking to her, us to see her expressions and just be more personal etc) but hubby is always two feet from the computer! ....) we are going to have to deal with the extreme weather and get out there. Not exactly conducive to being outdoors at this time of year but we are going to have to just deal with it to have some privacy and go for a walk.

Thankfully just this week i have found a calling service call keku.com which i can use to give me low rates for calling other countries, and so its only about twelve cents a minute to call her. So she and i can talk for longer periods.

I just found out this morning ( been losing lots of time) that last night inour distress we emailed her about four times, sent about four texts, and possibley left her three or four voice mails. I hope she isnt mad. She usually isnt, she understands that they are all from different inside kids and that we arent aware of what each other is doing when we switch, but it does bother ME.
It seems to get worse when we are sick ( we have the flu, and a broken thumb which is giving a good deal of pain)& stayed home from school( work) today (i am a teacher). She knows that we do worse when we are sick.
At any rate, we are supposed to talk on sunday night if i can just hang in there til then.

I just dont understand whats wrong with me.
I used to be so happy and confident.
Until t left last year i did well
I dont know why this ha affected me so much.

Did we already mention this..... Cant remember...we Are going back on our old medicines. Topomax and wellbutrin. We have been off them for a few years, but i give up, i cant do this depression, anxieties, and fears on my own anymore...it is just too much . I kinda feel like a failure for needing to go back on them, even though i know that isnt logical.

[ECHOES]

You tried another T, or an additional T, in January and that didn't work. I'm sorry that didn't work out. Now it's later, and now your situation is a little different. Maybe give it another try. No reason you can have 2 best T's in the whole world!

I can barely afford the one t that i have. Another t as well, even with insurance, isnt actually doable. So really, out of the question. Nice idea though.

[ECHOES]

But you aren't seeing the one you have, so I assume you aren't paying that at the moment?

Since i talk to her on the phone or on skype several hours a week, yes i am paying her actually

Ponder the idea of splitting time... With current T and one that current T may recommend locally, that way T can fill in the surrogate T on your situation, back ground , story... I mean if T likes the surrogate and obviously you trust her, maybe the little ones can see surrogate as a babysitter... That way you can function better while still not losing your deep connection, it is possible to form another attachment , it may pale in comparison to current T , but the physical part seems important to the little ones... Just trying to help I hate to see you all so sad.

[Wren_]

keep looking around for even cheaper calling options; although her country could be the problem on the costs i guess ................... sometimes hiding out in a car is the only option with a phone to get privacy if you can't in other ways. from what i read; you aren't really wanting to look elsewhere so you have to do what you can to make it work with your current T; while needing to remind all of you that she is doing the best she can and that this is hard for all of you; and it's ok to acknowledge the hardness

I just really need her to come home... I miss her.

Blah..... I am soooooo totally tired of having the flu