Zero motivation

A few weeks ago, I told T I wanted to quit and somehow that question went off the radar and now I realise T has pushed me towards addressing some of the stuff I haven't been able to talk about before - hmm clever.

Maybe it was to make it more "exciting" for me, did T think my reasons for quitting was because it was feeling stale?

We started to look at something, then last week I had a really tough week (the weekends when my kids are not with me are always a struggle), plus work has been pressured and when I saw T, my head spin was back in full force. T managed to help me slow it down, but I did not want to carry on looking at the difficult stuff, I knew I would just dissociate.

So this week, I am feeling fairly blah about the whole T thing, like I really can't be bothered anymore and my day to day memory is really bad right now.

Now I am telling myself there is no point in going to see T unless I want to, unless I can start looking at this difficult stuff. But when I think about going, I know I just don't want to even talk to T right now, it just seems an effort and I just want some peace and quiet.

Does there have to be a level of motivation for T to be successful, or at times like these is my brain just crying out for a bit of slack and a break?

i get phases where i want a break from therapy. as i'm in a program i don't really get that option but you could always ask your t for a few weeks off?

There has to be enough motivation to go That's all that is required. We cannot know what might happen when we're there based on what we are thinking before we go (in another place in the distant universe of our head :-)

If it is raining, do you decide not to go outside ever again because you don't feel like getting wet?

Yes sometimes one does decide to snuggle up in bed with a good book and let the world pass until the sun comes out again but most times one goes to work and continues one's normal schedule, getting damp and a bit downcast with the overcast, gray skies and dreariness of it all but confident too that it's mostly just an illusion; what we're actually doing in our life/at work, school, home, etc. and the weather are not really related.

It's similar with feelings and actions. The feelings inform us about ourselves or the world around us. When we're feeling unmotivated or sad or raining on ourselves, we need to note that and look for our umbrella and wear brighter clothing, remember to smile more often and focus on things we are doing in our lives (going to therapy). On any given day, work or therapy might not have earth shattering fun and exciting happenings going on, but the filing has to be done as well as the work on the big project that might get you a raise. It's all worthwhile, despite how it makes you feel, the feelings are there to help you adjust, not to get in your way.

I often would feel overwhelmed and lose motivation for awhile in therapy and that's when I would take note and be extra kind to myself but still go to therapy, knowing the "overwhelming" meant I was doing good, exciting work but that it was just a bit beyond me yet, too new or advanced and the loss of motivation was a defense.

Yay, Defense! Remember, you're on your own side! Relax into knowing you can and ARE taking care of yourself, whatever you are doing. Keep showing up. 80% of life is showing up (Woody Allen quote).

Is there any way you can plan a couple of days, like a mini vacation away from your normal routine and be active in a refreashing kind of way? Maybe do something (Safe) out of charactor? To recharge yourself?

I guess re-reading what I wrote and your posts (thanks ) I think all of my life is full on at the moment and I am so tired. T seems to be the only thing I can change (can't really stop going to work, looking after my kids etc.) so maybe T seems the easy option, or yes Perna, maybe that unconscious defence thing is kicking in - but as it is by definition unconscious, I guess I won't know that.

I like the reminder about me being on my own side - sometimes that is hard to remember.

Maybe all those suggestions are good ones - the breaks, either with or without a corresponding T break.

The thing that always complicates it, is that I hate to let people down and T says to give 48 hours notice for a cancelled session - so I generally get this tension coming up to the 48 hour deadline, of should I cancel or not - if I do cancel then I get worried that in the end I will want to go and if I don't cancel, then I have to go even if I don't want to - grrrr!!!

It sounds like you really DO need a break from something, Soup

There was a time or two when I took a break for a week, because I just needed some space to BE, to not have to work so hard all the time. I knew I could go and "be" with T, but I also know that when I walk in that room, things just come up, and I didn't want to do that kind of work right then. I knew I wasn't putting it off forever...I just knew I needed a break first.

A year or two ago I took a break for a month, and that was really helpful too. It was nice to have the extra time to myself and it gave me time to read, to experience life without therapy, to see what I still needed to work on. When I went back, we FINALLY got into the hardest trauma stuff that I had managed to avoid for 3 years...not the day I went back or anything, but when I returned, we slowly started moving in that direction. And I was ready (or as ready as I would ever be) and it was good.

I think sometimes we think too hard about T breaks (or I do) - I would get into a spiral of "am I running away?" or "do I just need to rest?". And really, in the short term, either one is fine. We won't run away forever, and we won't rest forever.

to you!

Thanks nightsky for sharing your experience, it would be good to just relieve some pressure right now, to have an evening to myself to just have a hot bath without my kids trying to climb in and evict me from it would be lovely.

Yes. I get this too. It's ambivalence. That's one of the things that led up to me taking a bit of a break. I only saw T once in June. On the days that I normally would have T I did something else at the precise time. Once I got a massage. Another time I went and sat on the beach for an hour with an iced latte.
^ Nightsky, this touched me so much. You are very wise.

Sometimes my best sessions are when I didn't want to go to T and I didn't know what I wanted to talk about.... I told T I would talk about whatever he thought would be a good idea... Or I would just start talking about how I was feeling and it led to a great discussion. Just a thought...

My T always thanks me for coming when he can tell I didn't want to...

I cancelled

Actually on reflection, I think I mean, I cancelled

(((soup))) Make sure you make that allotted time special for you. It's going to feel weird and painful...and you are probably going to want to call T the next day. Days off do get easier though.

Now I know the theory and have had some face to face experience with T, I am even wondering whether I can handle this on my own, period.

I know what the issues are and OK I might get some practice with T, but he doesn't replace people IRL, so I would still need to work on whatever it is I have to work on, with them anyway.

Maybe the difficult stuff can just stay locked away, is there really a need to look at it under a microscope - it ain't gonna change history.

Is therapy just about learning to "do" therapy, or is there something that I am missing?

.............................

ding ding ding. You just asked the million dollar question.

This is really interesting to me, because it is very similar to what I've been going thru. I need to go back to T and get 3 weekly session to do the residential program I want, but I was ready to go back anyways. I have been at it for years, and taking the last month "off" has done wonders for me. I think of it like I had a bad sunburn...it was painful and I needed to get out of the sun for a bit, but that doesn't mean I'm never going to go out in the sun again. The sun IS good for me after all.

I have good days and bad days, enjoy the good ones