Is it possible to not rely on T enough?

I'm not sure if I'm going to get this out right, but in a way that is part of the problem. I'm an independent person, and I haven't relied on anyone but myself for most of my life. I've never thought that this was a problem until recently. Since starting t I find myself more and more having to battle with my independence. I trust my T, and I've told him things that I have never told anyone else, but I think I hold back from a fear that as I become more vulnerable that I may have to start relying on him. I really don't know if I can let myself do this, but I also don't know if it is necessary. Do I have to rely on my T to make progress?

Correct me if I'm wrong but I think you are meaning letting your guard down and trusting T. Making yourself vulnerable, open to your emotions while relying on T for guidance is what therapy is about IMO. (I hope that makes sense) In general I don't like to ask for help (but I'm getting much better at it).

IMO there is definitely a trust that has to be there and giving up a little sense of control in order to progress forward.

I think trust is enough. I'd rather rely less than more.

well i'm not sure that being vulnerable is the same thing as giving up your independence but to answer your question, yes i think you absolutely must let your defences down if you want to make progress.

You make sense, but I'm not sure if I do. I trust my T more then I have trusted anyone. (Although I don't know how much that is.) It's definitely the issue of making myself vulnerable. I think that the fear is that as I make myself more vulnerable I will begin to rely on my T too much. Of course my T provides guidance, but I don't know if I can say that I rely on him.

I hear you , it's scary. Attachment doesn't mean blind following or reliance. I just emailed T and told him I was afraid to be hurt and abandon. The only way to know for sure is to ask T. You don't have to loose control , you just have to be open to help in a vunerable state. That's where the work is done. Wishing you well , therapy is hard. But it's worth it !

Thank you for the well wishes. Good for you for being able to send that e-mail. I've been able to somewhat talk about my worries about fully opening up, but I think I've danced around the actual issue. Going to therapy is the closest I've gotten to asking for help. I don't even know if I know how to ask for help. Just another item to add to my list.

The feeling of needing your T is one of the scariest things for a lot of people (myself included). Many feel we're not worthy of being cared for, or don't trust that depending on someone won't hurt us at some point, or a bunch of other fears.

But, people need each other. It's how we're wired. Being fiercely independent (as I always prided myself on being) simply doesn't work forever. The other people in our lives have a right to show us that they care about us. And we have a right to be cared for.

It can take a while, but if you can practice being just a little needy with someone totally safe, like your T, you can learn how to be interdependent with others. Not dependent, but mutually involved.

We're all worthy of being cared for. Truly, we are.

I was intensely self-sufficient. I didn't understand anything about what it meant to depend on someone, or rely on someone. Early on my therapist identified me as having attachment problems. She pretty plainly told me that it was important to her that I become attached to her. I thought that was nuts. She just coasted along though. Every now and again she would use words that just sounded way too gushy or intimate for me. As I started, without conscious awareness, moving toward trusting her, I went through a lengthy period of pushing her - I guess seeing if she would *really* be there. I don't remember exactly what happened, but no doubt it involved me challenging her commitment - or her sincerity - or challenging the reality of this relationship we were in. Anyway, after we got it resolved, she smiled and with a twinkle in her eye said "This feels like a love-test." EEEK! Man, that just stopped me dead in my tracks. I had no idea what to do with that. Then there was the time that I said something that she responded to with: "Crescent, that sounds like attachment to me." I was mortified.

Anyway, it was not until I no longer needed to protect myself in that room - when my defenses were totally relaxed - that I realized that the process of getting from where I was to that place was a huge amount of growth.

Once I realized that, I let myself lean into the therapy. I relied on her. I trusted her. Didn't plan on it, but she made it so safe for me, that it finally just came naturally.

When I got to the point where I relied on her - trusted her - so much healing had been accomplished. So yeah... I think the attachment, the bond, the trust, the allowing yourself to depend.. all that stuff is part of what is so therapeutic about a good therapy relationship.

I don't know if rely is the right word. Lean on ocassionally is what I prefer... But yes in order to heal I think it's paramount to let your defenses down and trust them. If you've decided to go into therapy them you must want to get better... So no need in preventing that from happening. Embrace this opportunity and once you feel you have a good connection, relax and let it happen. In the end it's all for you.

I trust my T and I am vulnerable with him, often. But I don't feel I rely on him over much. I too have a strong tendency toward independence. Maybe it gets in the way a little, but it hasn't stopped me from trusting and being vulnerable. T and I were working on the impending death of my father for a while. I was doing a lot of grieving and soul searching in my sessions. Then my father died. At my next session, I told my T that my father had died a few days ago. He was a little surprised I hadn't called him. I hadn't felt like I needed to. We had been doing such good work in session that I felt prepared for his death, and my family and I drew closer and they were the ones I turned to, not my T. So I think I did well in this instance, and actually a T should be proud if their client handles something well and doesn't have to call.

In another situation, I was in a horrible car accident, in which my car was totaled. I called T from the scene of the accident. I was in shock, I think. I got T's voice mail and left what was probably an incomprehensible message. He called back the next day and I apologized for having called him. I said I didn't know what I was thinking to call him or what he could have done. He said rather firmly, "You called me because you wanted my support." Something about that has stuck with me, like it is OK to call or rely on my T when I really need to, and he expects me to do that. It is not a sign of over-reliance to reach out for support.