[InTherapy]

So, I've been seeing a new T since like the end of May. I haven't heard from Ex-T since then, but I made him promise to send me an email to tell me if he was going into private practice or what (he was a student, and not really sure what he was going to do...)

I received this email today:

Hello (InTherapy),

I hope this email finds you well. I am writing to inform you that I recently took a job at a community mental health agency, (name). As a result, I will not be pursuing private practice for at least the next two years. I hope that you continue your work with (T2) and I wish you the best of luck in the future.

Sincerely,

(Ex-T)

This is the email I composed, but I can't seem to make myself send it. I know that once I do, that will be the LAST contact I will EVER have with him (unless I cross a boundary - which I don't want to do.) I just... can't stand the finality of it!

Here's what I wrote (but have NOT sent).

Hi (Ex-T),

Thanks for letting me know. I appreciate that you kept your word.

I was really bummed at first when you left, but I think things have worked out for the best. At the time I would have denied it, but you were right: I had grown too attached to you. Even if you were in private practice, coming to see you again would not be in my best interest. Starting over with (T2) gave me a chance to avoid making the same mistake.

I have every intention of continuing on with (T2). She is kind and competent, although maybe not as funny as you. We're working on DBT skills together and (boyfriend) says he's seeing continual improvement. I am, too. I still have a ways to go, of course, but I'm after progress, not perfection.

I want you to know that I am very thankful for our time together. You left me with the impression that therapists could be kind, caring, empathetic, intelligent, non-judgmental people. If the first person I tried to see had been someone like (incompetent DBT therapist), I probably would have given up on the whole institution and given up on seeking help. Maybe I would have even given up on myself.

So, thank you. I'm very grateful to you and will remember you fondly.

Good luck with your new job and wherever life may take you.

Wear Boots. :-) (inside joke)

Sincerely,
(InTherapy)

I'm scared to send it. I feel like crying just at the thought. I will be a mess once I do send it! If I send it. I figure I have a week to respond without it looking weird.

I'm just...

I could really use some support right now.
I had a crush on T, bad. The thought of never seeing or speaking to him again...

[karebear1]

I'm sorry you're feeling so badly. But I think you're response to T is wonderful, mature and accpting. I believe if you sent it to him, he would be so grateful for it. (((((HUGS)))))

[kiki86]

i think that is a good response. i'm sure your exT will be very glad to hear those things.

[skeksi]

I think it's a good email. It's truthful, and appropriate, and lets him know that you are on your journey but grateful for his support along the way.

[unaluna]

It's very eloquent. it's a lovely, sweet letter. very heartfelt. something he'll look back on.

Originally Posted by InTherapy

I was really bummed at first when you left, but I think things have worked out for the best. At the time I would have denied it, but you were right: I had grown too attached to you. Even if you were in private practice, coming to see you again would not be in my best interest. Starting over with (T2) gave me a chance to avoid making the same mistake.

This shows a lot of growth on your part and it's something to be very proud of.
---------------------------------------
I know how hard it is to form a bond with someone and then have to part ways. Even if he's no longer going to be with you in person, you still have the memories [which last a lifetime]. Hopefully you can look back on those memories and remember the gift of good therapy that he was able to provide to you. With time you'll be able to move on and make new memories with T2.

The e-mail is very well-written and I think he'll appreciate it.

Hang in there!

That is a beautiful, well written email. Have you considered sending it to him as an actual letter? I sent my first therapist a letter several years after I stopped seeing him, thanking him for his help. He told me several years after that that he had kept that letter from me.

Also, for what it's worth, some therapists are okay with periodic contact. Mine was.

[geez]

I think it is a lovely email and he would love to receive it! It's thoughtful, considerate and very well written.

Send it!

[pbutton]

I totally understand why it will hurt to send the email.

[Towanda]

I think you have a way with words - you're email is beautiful, and comes from your heart. But I can understand why you are waiting on sending it. Once you push "send", that severs contact with your T. I'm at the beginning of the termination process myself, and I don't even want to think about the end at this point.

Hugs to you InTherapy

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by My kids are cool

That is a beautiful, well written email. Have you considered sending it to him as an actual letter? I sent my first therapist a letter several years after I stopped seeing him, thanking him for his help. He told me several years after that that he had kept that letter from me.

Also, for what it's worth, some therapists are okay with periodic contact. Mine was.

Considering that I really WAS too attached to him, I don't think maintaining contact is in my best interest. It just really hurts.

I think sending a physical letter is a great idea. I feel like he'd probably hang onto it for at least a while. Knowing that he (probably) has a physical...totem? (lol) of me or to remind him of me would really make me feel better. Where should I send it, though? He told me his new work place. Would it be appropriate to send it there? I don't know how big the place is... would he get it?

That's the part I'd be worried about. I suppose I could drive up there and drop it off with a receptionist or something. But if he saw me up there, that would be really weird, too... I don't want him to think I'm stalking him!

ahhh lol

[kiki86]

i think posting it to his new work would be ok. or maybe if you're not happy with that then is there a colleague at his old work that you could ask to pass it on?

[InTherapy]

Originally Posted by kiki86

I think posting it to his new work would be ok. Or maybe if you're not happy with that then is there a colleague at his old work that you could ask to pass it on?

I looked up his new work, and they have two locations - both of which are HUGE. I think I will ask T2 if she can pass it on to him. I know they aren't in contact any longer, but they do know each other (T2 mentored T1 as a student) and I think it would be appropriate for her to ask him where to send it. Because I would just feel weird sending it to his home. But if he gives HER his home address I don't think that would be weird.

I don't know... am I over complicating this?!

Originally Posted by InTherapy

I looked up his new work, and they have two locations - both of which are HUGE. I think I will ask T2 if she can pass it on to him. I know they aren't in contact any longer, but they do know each other (T2 mentored T1 as a student) and I think it would be appropriate for her to ask him where to send it. Because I would just feel weird sending it to his home. But if he gives HER his home address I don't think that would be weird.

I don't know... am I over complicating this?!

That sounds like a GREAT plan!

[geez]

Originally Posted by InTherapy

Considering that I really WAS too attached to him, I don't think maintaining contact is in my best interest. It just really hurts.

I think sending a physical letter is a great idea. I feel like he'd probably hang onto it for at least a while. Knowing that he (probably) has a physical...totem? (lol) of me or to remind him of me would really make me feel better. Where should I send it, though? He told me his new work place. Would it be appropriate to send it there? I don't know how big the place is... would he get it?

That's the part I'd be worried about. I suppose I could drive up there and drop it off with a receptionist or something. But if he saw me up there, that would be really weird, too... I don't want him to think I'm stalking him!

ahhh lol

What do you mean exactly about being too attached?

I was really attached to T1 and I still am from afar. I see her around and while it's comforting to see her it's equally painful for me. Saying goodbye to her was one of the hardest things I have done in my life.