[Big Mama]

I have a delema. I am not sure of myself for starters. My H and I are attending T together. We had a huge disagreement that led to my husband intimidating me. Weather he ment to or not he did. So when we went to the T's office and she asked how was our week I spoke up and said something about that disagreement. (this is common behavior for him and why I am afraid of him sometimes) Things were tense in her office but I felt safe enough to go home with him. We talked about how to talk to each other to avoid having this happen. When we got home my H avoided me. Which was fine. Sometimes it takes a little bit to process these things I know. The following day was a little stressful still. Less desirable for hurts to linger this long but each of us are different. When my H finially broke his silence he was more angry of his assumption that every time we have a little disagreement I'm gonna blab at to the T. That is not my goal. We can't eliminate every difference of opinion but we can change power struggles where he flexes his power over me every time. We can stop intimidation. We can stop name calling. Arguments happen but distructive behaviors are different than arguments. So now my H is not to pleased about going back and is blaming it on me. How can I get him to understand that is what you are supposed to do. Bring up the issues. Am I wrong here. From time to time I am wrong. It does happen to the best of us. I'm not above reproach. But I just meed help understanding what to say to the T. (At the begining of this starting T thing he told me "You better not screw this up" in other words pretend like everything is o.k.) I'm trying to break that old way of doing things. It is difficult, and causes
hard feelings but I'm getting very tired of hiding the truth from people and leading folks to believe we are one big happy family. If you have any advice please help me.

[scorpiosis37]

I don't know if I have much advice to offer you, but I have sure been there! My ex and I went to couples counseling together, and the same kind of thing would happen between us. During the week, we would have a fight and my ex would call me names, tell me everything was my fault, and intimidate me to the point that I got scared. So, when we went to T, I would tell T what happened. During the session, my ex would pretend like she wanted to work on these things and tell T she would take the steps T recommended in order to change her behavior. But, as soon as we left T's office, my ex would either ignore me or yell at me, telling me I should not have "blabbed or tattled on her" to T. That it was MY fault for making her look bad & blabbing about "every little thing." Then, she refused to take the steps T asked her to in order to try and change. In my situation (which may be different from yours!), I had to come to the realization that my partner was not willing to do the work required in order to change her behavior. She put everything on me. She was only interested in seeing how T could fix ME-- not how T could fix HER. I finally got to the point where I realized that I didn't want to be in a relationship where I felt intimidated, scared, blamed for everything, and made to feel worthless. I didn't want to be in a relationship with someone who had power over me. So I left. (Now I'm in a MUCH better relationship!!!) But, for others who want to stay with their partners, I wish there was a way to make them "SEE" what they were doing and "GET IT." But how? That's something I haven't figured out. The best advice I can offer is to talk to T about this problem during your next session. Tell T the stuff that you wrote here, and ask T for advice. You SHOULD be telling T this stuff! You certainly can't fix the problem if you don't acknowledge it, talk about it, and work on it.

[Big Mama]

Scorpiois73 Thank you so much. That was kinda what I thought. So say something. Like I said I am very unsure of myself. Every thing I do is wrong, my H makes me out to be a wacko. I guess I am a scared individual who lives in hell daily and can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and the trouble right in my face. But I also know or think anyway my H likes it that way. Thank you again for responding back. It's good to know I'm not alone in how I feel things are going. I'm not real sure how marriage T is supposed to go. Change has to take place and who is not resistant to change. I hope things even out before long .

[kiki86]

i don't think you did anything wrong. i think your husband is probably pissed because he feels like he was "told on" but i don't think that is the correct way of seeing it. nor do i think he handled it correctly. if he had those feelings he is supposed to bring them up in therapy! that's why you're there after all.

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by Big Mama

I have a delema. I am not sure of myself for starters. My H and I are attending T together. We had a huge disagreement that led to my husband intimidating me. Weather he ment to or not he did. So when we went to the T's office and she asked how was our week I spoke up and said something about that disagreement. (this is common behavior for him and why I am afraid of him sometimes) Things were tense in her office but I felt safe enough to go home with him. We talked about how to talk to each other to avoid having this happen. When we got home my H avoided me. Which was fine. Sometimes it takes a little bit to process these things I know. The following day was a little stressful still. Less desirable for hurts to linger this long but each of us are different. When my H finially broke his silence he was more angry of his assumption that every time we have a little disagreement I'm gonna blab at to the T. That is not my goal. We can't eliminate every difference of opinion but we can change power struggles where he flexes his power over me every time. We can stop intimidation. We can stop name calling. Arguments happen but distructive behaviors are different than arguments. So now my H is not to pleased about going back and is blaming it on me. How can I get him to understand that is what you are supposed to do. Bring up the issues. Am I wrong here. From time to time I am wrong. It does happen to the best of us. I'm not above reproach. But I just meed help understanding what to say to the T. (At the begining of this starting T thing he told me "You better not screw this up" in other words pretend like everything is o.k.) I'm trying to break that old way of doing things. It is difficult, and causes
hard feelings but I'm getting very tired of hiding the truth from people and leading folks to believe we are one big happy family. If you have any advice please help me.

no you are not wrong therapy is about bringing up issues that you feel need to be worked on,

how can you get him to understand... you cant.. all you can control is what you believe, what you think and what you do. its up to him to decide what he beleives, thinks and does..

if he doesnt want to continue going to therapy thats up to him and his not going doesnt mean you have to stop going. I know many people who start out in therapy as a couple and then when the going gets rough and secrets/problems are exposed, one or the other backs out. Sometimes it even means going from couples therapy to individual therapy and then as each in the relationship adjusts to working on their issues they are ready again for working on the "us" issues in the relationship..

my suggestion he wants to be this way let him, continue going to therapy even if he backs out, this way at least you have the help that you need in handling the issues that are important to you.

later on down the line you may have some decisions to make such as schedule your sessions as individual sessions instead of couple or other life changing (for you) decisions.

when he sees you are going to continue with treatment despite his anger intimidation maybe he will restart back into couples therapy again. if not well you will be all the more healthy for keeping up with the sessions..

[WikidPissah]

With my h, it is really important that I remember to bring up anything kind or thoughtful that he did as well as the bad stuff. On Tues I was really hurt by xyz, but on Wed he did abc and I felt loved. It could be any little thing...pour you a cup of coffee, hold the door, touch your hair, change the channel...whatever. (I do realize that you are living in sheer hell right now and there probably is slim to no good, but if you can find something it would help)

[Big Mama]

I do try to bring up the good. Theres very little of it but I'm one of those people who can find a positive anywhere. I'm sure you've met the type. The kind of person that wakes up smiling at 6:00 am and the kind you want to choke on the way to work. Thats me. Just after 9:00. I'm sure I make folks wanna gag because I can find good. It really is a blessing. It's time like these that it comes in handy. I 'll just hang in a little longer. I will most likely call the T mom to let her know what is going on so we can handle it appropiately Tuesday. Right now I'm a little afraid to confrount him. He's really pissed and is holding back his furry well. No need to temp the beast. He'll either calm down or get irate at the councelors. There is an exscape plan it he blows.

I'm still not used to having people who care. I've always struggled alone. Thank yall for caring enough to spare some of your time for me.

[lostin08]

I say share all, the more your t knows about what goes on in your home the better. H must have something to hide if he is afraid of that. also give her an email or whatever if he he treats you bad after a session!

[Butterflies Are Free]

This must be really hard. I am not married but grew up with a father who acted this way. I think it's great that you are trying to work this out. I am not sure I would be willing to stay if my husband/partner treated me this way but I also know that I am still working through father issues... I agree that if your husband does not want to go to therapy with you, you can still go on your own. Don't give up!!

[Perna]

It sounds like you are trying to work through for yourself the difference between his trying to intimidate you and you allowing it versus your being tired of it and not wanting to put up with his attempts.

His sulky attitude about your behavior and complaints that you are telling T on him, etc. is just as much an attempt at intimidation as if he were to say, "talk about X and I will leave you/not go to therapy/tell everyone about Y", etc.

I would decide what I wanted, if you feel he is/has been trying to intimidate you and you want help dealing with that (not stopping his attempts, that is his problem/choice, how he wants to behave; you and/or T cannot change that, only he can) then bring it up both during therapy and at the time it happens. If he does/does not want to go to therapy and help fix the marriage, that's up to him. But you have to be clear what you want for yourself and put that into action. You can allow him to intimidate you or not allow him to intimidate you but he may/may not still try to intimidate you (probably will keep trying as long as you keep allowing).

[Big Mama]

PERNA you are exactly right. I am work threw this for my self . As a survivor of rape (repeatedly for 9 months) I also need to know why I accept this. I accepted physical and sexual abuse in the past and now I am accepting emotional abuse. What in the world is wrong with me. I have been married to this man for 18 years. There are improvements being made but it is so slow. Just when I begin to think everything is o.k. he plays with my emotions again. I know I am super sensitive. My since of physical boundries are not the same as others. It's hard to tell when I'm overreacting or if what I feel is accurate. Our marriage T is trying to help with that. But right now it is more of a stay or not and staying safe.

Any way thank you for your insight on this. It certinly gives me something else to think about.