[Wren_]

Most people here are in some kind of therapy ... taking steps to get help, find healing, change their lives in some way

My question is ... how?

How do you quiet the voice that says things like,

I don't deserve help
I should suffer
I should be alone
I should be miserable
I'm not worth it
I can't be healed

the one that tries to pop up whenever you work on something that might make things better; the one that pops up when you are getting somewhere with your therapist or just made a break through. The one that says things like ...

T doesn't care
T won't help
T will leave you

the one that tries to destroy you ...

the one that ... is probably in some way really trying to protect you and may have been all that protected you in the past; but doesn't understand that the protection it gives is causing more harm than good

my question is, how do you quiet this voice enough to ... do the things you need to do; and learn not to let it be the final word on any matter?

[Hope-Full]

Time. The only thing I've found that starts to quiet the voice, and let the trust in T take over. Yes, I still have lapses and regress, but week by week, as T remains steady and constant, the voices are getting fewer, and are being replaced by more positive tracks. Or they will. It's a few steps forward and a few steps back and a few steps to the side. It's a slow process, at least for me. But the more I trust in my T, the easier it is to do the work. I mean, you cant expect to erase the negative tracks without replacing them with something else, you know?

Time. Time time time time time. And a lot of trust in T, at least for me, that's how things are going.

[pbutton]

I think in this case I benefit from having worked so hard on my anxiety. I am now skilled at realizing when I am being irrational. (Ever hear of anyone dying from fear of being at Sears? No? Didn't think so. )

When I start thinking that I am wasting T's time, I go back to trying to think rationally. Is he a therapist because he hates hearing about people's problems? No, probably not. Am I beyond help? Certainly not. Am I at the point where I have to try something new in order to get new results? Yes, yes I am. Am I just going to have to take a leap of faith sometimes? Yeah, I think I am. Does trying new ways of interacting with T have a payoff? Yes, it always has thus far.

I don't quiet the voice. I just decide other things are more important and act accordingly.

.......... Never mind

[critterlady]

I actually don't try to quiet it - I give it a voice and tell T as much as I can. As soon as I say that kind of thing out loud, it becomes very clear how irrational it is. That helps me quiet it when I'm not with T.

And, like Hope-full said, it takes time. Time and trust in your T. The more I trust T, the more I can tell him and the more I tell him, the more I trust him.

[Silent_tsol]

The only reason I was able to convince myself to ask for help was because of something that happened in my life caused by someone else.I was able to say "I'm off course fine because I'm always fine, but this person cut off my left leg and I'm having trouble walking."

Now of course, I get too worked up thinking about that so I have to talk about other things. Butt I do worry if they are valid "I need t" topics and struggle with the idea that I should just tackle everything that comes my way. I don't hasn't much advice other than it seems to get easier with time

[Chopin99]

This is a really good question and I have enjoyed the answers of others.

I have learned to quiet the voice with a combination of my own and my T's voice. Since I started this round of therapy, T has drilled a question into my head:

What is the truth?

The truth is that as a human being, I have inherent worth. No one is more or less important than anyone else. I alone own my decisions and boundaries. It took months for me to get to the point that I could answer the above question from T without hesitation.

[Wren_]

.......... Never mind

I wish you had left what you wrote; I read it on the run earlier and it looked helpful

thanks to everyone ... I'm finding time and logic ... help, but haven't helped enough (yet?) because the voice often seems louder than ever and it's truth can seem the most real

[learning1]

I don't know tg. Thinking of the question, and having the motivation to ask it, is probably a good step in the right direction.

[learning1]

Would telling your t's about it help? Is there a way you can?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by tigergirl

I should suffer
I should be alone
I should be miserable

I definitely get these messages as I think I need to suffer because of things I did wrong in my past. I think it takes a strong T to counter that. A T willing to stand up and present rather forcefully, an alternative view. A T willing to use every trick in his book to help you see things differently. I also agree with critterlady, that it helps to not quiet that voice but to tell T what it is saying. Because T can't help you change unless he knows what it is there to be changed. I think T has to be willing to walk in the tracks of our shame with us and not just push it aside. T has to be willing to "go there" with us.

Originally Posted by tigergirl

T doesn't care
T won't help
T will leave you

I don't have a voice that says these things. I see the problem as me, not my T. I know T cares and would try hard to help if I let him. But it can be hard to work on healing when you don't think you deserve to be healed. So T has to be in on that "secret" if therapy is to work.

t's never ending patience.
and now weekly sessions.
and yes, time. lots and lots of time.

i try to remember how long i was threatened to keep my mouth shut and what happened when i opened it and that is enough to send my anxiety through the roof. t's get this.

[Perna]

I talk back; if you ask "Why?" for the first ones and make your inner voice come up with acceptable specifics, it can't :-) For the second set I come up with specific reminders of times when T has cared, helped, been there and that quiets that voice.

[Towanda]

Lots and lots of time. Slowly, the little bits and pieces, the insights, add up. The trust in T builds - we shakily become vulnerable and shed shame. As we lose shame, our self worth rises. As our self worth increases, we're able to silence the negative voices, and listen to the positive ones, including T's, who is there, always encouraging, always supporting, always affirming our person hood. And we can believe him/her and take on this confident, joyful persona.

[nonamecomestomind]

[QUOTE=pbutton;2462000]I think in this case I benefit from having worked so hard on my anxiety. I am now skilled at realizing when I am being irrational. (Ever hear of anyone dying from fear of being at Sears? No? Didn't think so.

No. But I last year I did pass out in Sears! Some young man caught me before I hit the floor (so they say, I don't remember), ambulance was called, I was in and out for a while but cognizant enough to refuse transport cause I knew I was OK.
It took me a while before I went back into Sears.

[quote=nonamecomestomind;2464985]

Originally Posted by pbutton

I think in this case I benefit from having worked so hard on my anxiety. I am now skilled at realizing when I am being irrational. (Ever hear of anyone dying from fear of being at Sears? No? Didn't think so.

No. But I last year I did pass out in Sears! Some young man caught me before I hit the floor (so they say, I don't remember), ambulance was called, I was in and out for a while but cognizant enough to refuse transport cause I knew I was OK.
It took me a while before I went back into Sears.

Dang it! You are NOT supposed to tell her stuff like that! LOL! Like I never tell about the woman who started having seizures next to me at the minute clinic at the CVS.

My T says we deal with that voice by dragging it out of the shadows and actually looking at it. By acknowledging, but keeping it where we can see it and acknowledge it as the remnants of an abusive childhood. I say something like, yeah, yeah, I hear you. I get it. Please just wait over there. And then I just keep plugging away at whatever I was working on.

Originally Posted by Perna

I talk back; if you ask "Why?" for the first ones and make your inner voice come up with acceptable specifics, it can't :-)

Not necessarily true - I never have the slightest trouble coming up with specifics.

[Perna]

"I should suffer"

"Why?"

"Because I deserve it" is not specific! One can't give a valid reason one should suffer, be alone, or miserable because there's no such reason. Certain Gods believed they had to suffer for mankind but, as far as I know, you and I are not certain Gods? If one gets specific as in "I deserve to be alone because I was not a good friend to Susie" then that just says Susie might not want to be your friend, not that you deserve to be alone or that you'll treat Sally the same. We cannot be specific about general/galactic conditions, only general/galactic and they're as unsatisfying to intelligent people such as ourselves as the conditions.

Not only that, but they're impossible! "I should be miserable"; you can't be miserable all the time, even if you try (anymore than you can be happy all the time) because you can't control what is going to happen around you that you will have to respond to; you going to be miserable if you get a good grade on a school test? A promotion? A job you want? A new friend/lover? On a sunny day after a week of rain? When it cools after 100 degree days? When the lights and AC come back on after a power outage?

OK, I'm sorry, I obviously should not have said that. Let me just point out that I did not say anything about what my specifics are, because that's way beyond what I'd post here - besides it's not relevant for the thread. I was just mentioning that it's not necessarily true that nobody ever has a specific reason why they feel they deserve to be miserable. Deservedly or not.