[pbutton]

I can't decide if I want to talk about it or not.

It just hurts.

[LoneWolfie]

When you feel the time is right you will make the right decision pbutton. I know many weeks ago I cut my family off and told them not to call me. They live three hours away so it wasn't like I was even seeing them.

I needed my space and just didn't want to talk to anyone.

Be safe.

Hi Pbutton... I hope you feel better soon. If you want to talk, this site is great. A lot of nice people to knock some ideas of of

Okay, so initially, I said something funny/snotty, but realized you may not be up to that yet. I wish there was something I could do to help you feel better. I don't want to just spout platitudes at you or point you back to your own thread. I'm dying of curiosity, but don't let my imminent demise from curiosity influence your decision.

And just because I'm a total snot, I'm including my first response:

Well make up your mind, Woman, because I keep logging on just to see if you've posted.

I've been thinking of you today, I'm really sorry you're hurting. I know that doesn't help, nothing anyone can say will take it away but we are glad to listen if you want to talk about it. And it's okay if not, too (even if I am also admittedly very curious), take care of you and what's best for you.

[Wren_]

it's a big thing ... i can't imagine it not hurting however good the ending ... I hope you are able to talk when you feel ready

[Fixated]

Ugh...I can only imagine. Life is just so unfair sometimes. I too, like MKAC, have been thinking of you and checking here to see how it went and if you needed help.

If you don't want to talk about it, should we suggest some funny videos to watch or things of that sort?

I really hope your pain eases.

[pbutton]

It was a good ending. Not a great one. I think somehow I was hoping it would be miraculously healing and I'd leave feeling all better and at peace with it. Not the case.

A lot of the session was good. PArt of it was really hard for me because I couldn't offer much in the way of my emotions - there was just blankness in my head and I got a little scared.

We had a super long hug at the end. I mean way longer than I thought we'd hug. It was nice, excpet for when I started audibly .. I don't know.. keening might be a good word for it. He started talking to me, I don't know what he was saying until he told me that I really would lbe okay. I asked for a fist bump at the final door. He did that and also gave me a punch on the shoulder.

He said he wasn't my T anymore and I could ask him anything. I couldn't think of anything to ask. I feel like I did something wrong or missed an opportunity. My mind just went so totally blank.

I didn't cry. I am now. And also hyper-ventilating righ tnow and close to a apnic attack. I jsut took an ativan and I need to go take a shower and go to bed. Yhou know how when you cry really hard youf eel like you're drowning? Ihave that going on.

This is hard. Thanks for reading this i know it makes no sense. I am all jumbled up right now. I am so sad. I don't even know what part is mkaing me this sad. How the hell am I going to go to work tomorrow? I have a final on WEdnesday. I have a paper due on Wednesday. This sucks so bad. I miss him, which is silly because I wouldn' tbe seeing him again tomorrow anyway. I hate this.

I can't decide if I should post this. Is it even worth the trouble of asking anyone to read it? I guess maybe it will show me something educational when I read it with a calmer head in a few days.

[stopdog]

There, there. It takes time.

Ah, pbutton. I am so sorry. I know that feeling. And the frantic feeling that kicks in because you just feel so BAD and you want to DO something, anything to fix it or make it better or make it stop.

You can email him later if you think of a really great question you wanted to ask him.

[Chopin99]

Pbutton, you have been in my thoughts today because I knew your session was this afternoon. I don't have any words of advice, but know that you will continue to be in my thoughts and prayers. Ending a relationship with a T you are attached to on some level (and with all the great work you did with him) is never easy. It is a loss that must be grieved and that's hard. Really hard.

The main thing I wanted to give you are these:

Maximum allowable.

[karebear1]

That sounds incredibly heartbreaking PB. I wish there was something I could do for you other than just send you a lot of virtual hugs!

[pbutton]

God I love ativan. Maybe I should go on a med. Are there other meds that make you feel like this all the time? The absence of anxiety is practically orgasmic to me. It feels SO weird, yet so awesome. This is why I don't take them very often. I can see how easy it would be to get addicted to benzos.

Originally Posted by pbutton

God I love ativan. Maybe I should go on a med. Are there other meds that make you feel like this all the time? The absence of anxiety is practically orgasmic to me. It feels SO weird, yet so awesome. This is why I don't take them very often. I can see how easy it would be to get addicted to benzos.

I first went to the doctor for terrible anxiety attacks and was given Klonopin which felt so good... The doc suspected my real problem was ADD. He was right, and after my first Adderall I knew I was on the right track. I don't know what is at the root of your anxiety, but give it some time and keep seeking help

I hope you feel better soon

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you're hurting so much and I wish it could be easier for you but grief has to run its course. It's okay for you to be angry, sad or whatever else you're feeling for as long as it takes. I hope you will be able to talk with T2 about it too. I remember spending a lot of time talking with my new T about my first T, years ago, and it helped me. Sending you many hugs:

[kiki86]

i'm sorry it hurts so much. i'm here if you need to talk. and in a few hours i think i'll know exactly how you feel.

[elliemay]

well, i certainly know that feeling. Very very well I think.

You're sad, of course, because it meant something to you. That has meaning and deserves to be honored. It's a loss. A change.

That doesn't mean honoring sadness is a thrill a minute, because, well, it isn't.

But it is what it is, sadness and grief, all very real. One hard thing for me to learn is that I don't have to do anything with sadness, (panic is a little different though).

Sadness will not overwhelm and will come in waves. Given enough space to do so, those feelings will dissapate on their own.

Each wave will be different, some big, some small, some a tsunami, but I can promise you that they all end up on the shore.

Be very very very very careful with that ativan. It is an anxiety bomb. You will remember that feeling of relief very very well and are likely to return to it.

The good/bad news is that you will likely never experience the same feeling with it again unless or until you are that anxious again.

I think we are both just riding these waves until we get on firmer ground. Not a bad thing at all.

Just life.

I'm sorry, pbutton.

[healed84]

Hang in there Pbutton.

[WikidPissah]

(((pbutton))) I am so sorry, I know it hurts.

Originally Posted by elliemay

Each wave will be different, some big, some small, some a tsunami, but I can promise you that they all end up on the shore.

I love this.

My first weekend after ending therapy, I cried at the strangest moments. Standing at the grocery store, having a conversation with H, watching TV. Because it's just really SAD. It's grief. It hurts.

It helped me to remember that it was ALL true...all of the healing I did was still real, all of the care that flowed between me and T really did happen, all of the sadness totally made sense. All of that, and more. It felt so complicated and multi-layered and I bounced around from gratitude to happiness to sadness to gut-wrenching grief, and sometimes they were all there at the same time.

What you wrote in your post yesterday...therapy worked!...is true. And so is this.

Be gentle with yourself. Do things that make you happy, let yourself rest when you need to. You deserve that.

[Nightlight]

I'm glad you did post. What you posted felt so real, and honest, and I really relate to the overwhelming feelings that accompany the loss. I hope you're feeling a bit better after sleep. Look after yourself.

[pbutton]

I appreciate all of the responses. I'm now at work, because i'm all functional like that. Go me. Every time someone asks me to do something I want to start crying. Why do I have to help these people when I lost my T yesterday?

someone just told me that i look like i need more sleep. that's helpful. If I look awful, then leave me alone and quit asking me for stuff. I am not the only one who knows things, there are a ton of other people on my team. blah.

Pbutton, I admire that you went into work. I think I would have been tempted to call in sick. Can you tell people to give you some space today? Maybe just say you didn't sleep well or something?

[unaluna]

p, what a beautiful post. with the fist bump and all. I was feeling guilty before, like I had somehow convinced you to connect with your T, and now you were paying the price, which is SO totally acting out my dad's role. But your post is just so beautiful and warm - I am so glad you had that loving experience. Could we even have imagined it a few months ago? Now his hug will be wrapped tight around you always.