after you speak the unspeakable

I've been in therapy for a long time and did all the FOO trauma stuff
now we are in the personal trauma stuff
remember 'we speak in therapy not so that the therapist will understand what happened, but so we can hear our own voice speaking the truth about our life"

so we do our best to speak the unspeakable...

this time, doing so was not followed by a huge wave of why did I ever do that, she will run screaming from me
not even followed by a huge wave of relief for releasing secrets that have festered inside all my life
this time, the worst of the things I said keep coming back to me and I think, without words, Yes, this is true. This. is. my. life. Just dead certainty. It's such a heavy burden.

what would i give for a redo button, but of course there is no such thing.
i want so much to turn to the positive, but it's like all my strength is drained away. When I had the big flu I couldn't even lift my hand; i feel like that now, emotionally. Three days have passed & I thought I would change by now.

has anyone else ever gone through this? what is the next step?

yes i have felt this way.but not from talking.I'm sorry you are feeling so horrible.i read this and my heart goes out to you .i know you are strong and it will be OK but i can understand how it must feel right now

None of us are perfect sawe. None of us.

And............. I think we can push the redo button.

When we finally come to a place where we're able to face the fact the we have harmed others or done things that are atrocious to our now sense of self, it can be pretty devastating. But I think it's a good thing when this happens. It awakens a new person and awareness that is necessary for forgiveness to take place. Forgiveness for ourselves and forgiveness for those who have offended us. We know ourselves, then and now, we know our intentions, and we know how we feel about them now. It puts us in a postion to change- it puts us in a position to push the redo button.

If you're feeling badly about things in the past, you can apologize. It can be a humbling expereince but it can be a rewarding one as well. When I've apologized for things I have thought or done that hurt people in my life, they have freely and unconditionally forgiven me. They feel relief and so do I.

I admire you're ability to look reality in the face. That takes honesty and courage. You've made mistakes. No one expects you to be perfect. The best way to let go of the heavy burden is to face it and fix it if you can. If you've hurt someone you love (Even if it's an old hurt) apologize and ask for forgiveness. I think you'd be surprised at how much has already been forgiven.

I was going to reply to you, but I'm worried I might have misunderstood your post. I'm afraid I'm not sure what you mean by FOO trauma stuff and personal trauma.

If you don't want to explain, then of course that's fine. I don't mean to be intrusive, I just wondered if what I'm feeling at the moment is similar to you.

Either way, I'm sorry this is so rough for you.

I have felt a similar way so many times! After I share something that I consider "unspeakable" I immediately fall into a thought pattern: "Did I seriously just talk about xyz?" "What if T judges me?" "I feel so ashamed and embarrassed!" "There's no turning back now- T knows and it's out in the open!" The vulnerability is uncomfortable. T has always told me that saying it out loud can be scary because it makes it more "real." But I realize that I can't keep my unspeakables to myself forever because I can only continue sticking a band aid on that open wound for so long. Eventually that wound is going to need extra care in order for it to heal so I won't be in emotional discomfort anymore.

It usually takes me many days to start feeling improvement after having shared myself with someone. So what is the next step, you ask? In the meantime I do things to occupy my time. Even if you are a busy bee with work or school or whatever takes up most of your time, find activities that you enjoy and make time for YOU. Practice some self-care and remember to be gentle with yourself. I also acknowledge that the feelings are there and I affirm myself. Occasionally I'll journal so I can organize my thoughts.

By putting these unspeakables out on the table, you are facing them and saying, "This is my life! Yes, you are real and yes, you happened, but you DO NOT determine my happiness or the outcome of my life: I DO!" It is very scary, but it can also be very exhilarating and empowering.

The truth is multi-faceted. You have to see the truth as a whole, not just from the "bad" direction.

I "wasted" 10-15 of my 4 score and 7 years living in a fantasy world, my entire teen/young adult years (necessitating nearly 30 years in therapy; do the math at a conservative $75/hr). I did not marry until I was 39, partially as a result of my "late start" in life. That is the truth, but it is not the whole truth.

I have a wonderful imagination, a rich inner life, read 1,000-2,000 books during that period, have become a competent writer of both fiction and non-fiction. I got my meeting and mating/marrying "right", my DH is the love of my life and me, of his and we both know and express it. I would not be who I am now, if I had not had that experience! I love myself now.

I am sorry you are going through this, I can relate somewhat as recently I found speaking the unspeakable is very anticlimactic for me. I was expecting relief and nothing.

I do agree with Perna in the fact that who one is now is a culmination of where one has been and experienced. Reality sucks, but we can stop letting the past dictate how the future will look.... right? Thats what T keeps saying.

Yeah speaking it out loud doesn't really do much for me either. But from what I have heard from therapists (re: "what is next?") you are supposed to talk about it with your therapist over and over and over until you have "Processed it". I have no idea what that means though since I haven't experienced it. I assume it means until you have accepted it emotionally. Note: accepting it does not mean you agree with it, it means you just acknowledge that it occurred.

I have no idea if this helps or not, its just what i have heard that sprang to mind.

Our T's are used to hearing people's stories. It is not there place to judge. My T says tell me, what ever you need to tell me is up to you and you live with that. I get to go home at the end of the day. I'm trained for it not to impact me. But I will help you to the best of my ability to with your life situations.

I to am in trauma T. It is so so difficult. I was raped and continued for 9 months to stay and take this from this guy. So I must have liked it right, WRONG, I must have asked for it right,WRONG, I concented, I returned, I stayed, but after trauma T I begin to realize I was not a bad person, I did not deserve this and I did not ask for this. After I said something in T I had nightmares, I had panic attacks, I cryed alot, and I just could not keep thoughts from popping up about this from time to time. It was like flashbacks. God who knew this would happen. I told the T what was happening and she told me to come back in. We would put coping mechanisims in place. We decided things were to tramatic and we would revisit this again at a later date. So great a trauma T tells me my trauma is to big to handle. Any time the after affects of the trauma become to much to handle I let her know. And she gets me in ASAP.

I know this is about you not about me. I do know how you feel and what you are going threw. I wish there was something I could do to take away your pain. I cannot, I know that. But I can listen, I can relate and most importantly I can pray for you. I can pray that god would give you the strength to accept the truth and to deal with the truth. I will pray that he bring you peace of mind durring this difficult time. I will pray that you give your concern to him and let him carry your burden. God knew about this before you said it out loud. He was there when what ever it was happened so he knows and loves you reguardless. YOU LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT ME TO PRAY THIS FOR YOU. You can pray this yourself or so you want be alone the bible says where two or more are gathered I am in there midst. If you and I are together in thought then that is close enough.

I will not pray this with out the go ahead from you because I do not want to overstep my religious bounds. You can believe what you'd like and I the same. But just know that it could help. Often if we can't pray for ourselves (I can't always) others can do it for us. I often ask will you pray for me from people I know who have that connection. You can pray what I said above if you are to mentally exausted to come up with the words your self (I've been there) Or let me know. A simple YES. I'll know what you need. I hope this helps you feel better.

Big Mama,

if people had to get permission from others in order to pray for them, my goodness think how few miracles would occur in this life.

some of what you wrote has already come out of my own head (God knew about this before you said it out loud. He was there when what ever it was happened) Yes! - and He led me to T2 as well. I am convinced of it. I can't even tell you how I found her; experience tells me, that means that His hand is in it. So He is there for me still; this is what keeps me going, even when the going is hard.

thank you
SAWE

SAWE, I also have been struggling with this 'now what?' feeling in therapy. I said my horrible stuff and I still feel horrible about it. There was no real relief there. And NOW what do I do? What do I talk about? How do I progress from here? Somehow, I thought just saying it would be enough, but it isn't. It didn't fix anything. So, no great insight or advice from me. If you figure something out, I'd appreciate it if you would share it.

((((((MKAC)))))) the CTH workbook has a range of questions for you, after you write what happened. There were some that really stood out for me & provoked a longer reply; every day i revisit them and write more, and will share with T2 when I see her. they are

** how did you feel when you were writing about this? how do you feel right now?
** what commitments have you made? What steps have you taken?
** what have you learned?

especially that last one. Right after I left T2's office if you had asked me, what have you learned? I would have said, not a **** thing. But oh! I am finding that that's not true at all; and every day I discover something more that I really did learn from this.

Yes, one thing was, I learned (to my disappointment) that my self condemnation did not go away *poof* as soon as the story was told; but there is a lot more, every day there is more.

hope it helps

((((((((SAWE)))))))) please just know you are not alone. there is peace on the otherside. there is life and sunshine....

sending lots of safe hugs

So yeah, I learned the same thing you did. No poof. What else am I SUPPOSED to be learning? What commitments am I supposed to be making? I don't even understand the questions.

think, MKAC. you'll be surprised what comes up.

will send you a PM

oh - and I think that the answer to "what am I supposed to be learning" has to be utterly unique for everyone.

I will pray For you at this very moment. "DEAR GOD, PLEASE WATCH OVER THIS NEW FRIEND OF MINE, I PRAY THAT YOU WATCH OVER THIS PERSON AND GIVE THIS PERSON THE COURAGE TO FACE THE DAY AND TO FACE THE FACTS AT HAND. I ASK THAT YOU WILL GIVE REST AND PEACE RIGHT NOW. I ASK THAT YOU HEAR AND FORGIVE AND MAKE YOUR PRESENCE AND FORGIVENESS KNOWN. I ASK THAT YOU GUIDE LEAD AND DIRECT HER IN THE WAY TO GO. AMEN

you will not believe this. The hand of the Lord is with us. As I was typing this prayer for you, I thought "well maybe this is not something you want to share with everyone." I prayed this as I typed and I was gonna erase the words and we would just know I did what I said I would do." I went to the little arrows on the side to run the screen back up so I could erase. There were no arrows. Could God have removed them. You bet he could have. If he can move the planets he can move a little ole arrow. I finished typing my prayer to God and the arrows returned. I have decided this is a sign to leave things like they are. Your prayer may be a blessing to someone else in the same situation. I hope you do not mind sharing this part of things with others. I always pray please don't speak in a small still voice I'll never hear you. Speak in the big and bold because I 've got to see it, feel it, and know it to believe it. Sorry sometimes I'm a doubting Thomas. May The Lord be with you and continue to be with you.

SAWE, in six years of therapy with the same T, I have spoken the unspeakable many, many times. It has always left me, after the session and for a few days, feeling a little hollow and shell shocked, almost numb. Then sometimes would come feelings of remorse and shame - OMG, how could I have told him THAT!! But then eventually all those feelings would subside, and the emptiness inside of me that the unspeakable caused would chip away a little more each time I shared something with my ever compassionate, non-judgmental T. Through the past six years of therapy as the emptiness subsided, it was replaced with feelings of self worth, self compassion, self forgiveness, self love - all the things I've never experienced in my 58 years until the past year.

So I guess what I'm saying is...give it a little time for your feelings to settle. You've done something hard, something very courageous - your mind and body are in a type of shock and need time to recover. Be gentle with yourself - you'll get to that peaceful place about what you've shared. My thoughts and prayers are with you

When I speak the unspeakable, I go back and forth between a little relieved that I've told and it's out there so I can work on it and completely terrified and ashamed that I've told and it's out there so I can work on it.

I rarely feel anything about the unspeakable thing itself - just the telling. So, I don't think you're alone in the empty feeling.

I think eventually, though, telling does work to help us feel better. Maybe it's like when you have an infected wound - it has to be opened up in order to heal. And the healing sometimes hurts worse than the wound did.