Hmmmmm, ok well I am going to have a little rant here so excuse me if anyone is sensitive to these issues please look no further.

So altogether I have seen three different ts, all three of them have said that I put myself into a victims role. I have since accepted that and am trying to catch myself before I say something to put me back there, but if something bad happens to you, aren't you a victim? I don't agree with ts telling me I am putting myself there by telling them what happened to me. It happened and I had no choice about it, now I have choices but I didn't then. I was a child.

Second thing is t suggested I read a book about codependency. I suppose I never identified with that term before but I can see now that it would relate to me.
I don't even know what my point is... Sorry, I just needed to vent

[Favorite Jeans]

How did you feel when they said that?
I don't think I'd like to hear someone say that to me. On the other hand, when you're repeatedly finding yourself in the same situation, maybe it's time to think about your contribution to the situation.
Often a really good T can help you come to your own conclusions just by giving you time to hear yourself. They could for example say something like:
"does it seem to you like there might be some similarities between your experience with Bob and your experience with Jane?
"Huh, what do you make of that?"
"What would it feel like to you if you expressed your anger/left the room/broke off contact at that point?"
IMHO it is much more satisfying and powerful to figure it out myself than to be told what T sees even if it takes (much) longer. By the time I've come to my own conclusion I feel more able to change. When someone tells me I have to change I feel a bit frozen and uncertain of my ability to do so.

I've never had this description used to describe the actual abuse I went through (and I wonder if you are misunderstanding that). When I've been described as taking on the victim's role, it has been in the context of current life, not past abuse.

I am no longer the child who was truly victimized and powerless. I have the power, cognitive ability, and choice now as to how I react to current events in my life. I have options (if I choose to take them) and skills (if I choose to use them) to get me through the difficult times I encounter as an adult that I simply didn't have as a child.

If I choose not to recognize my options and skills and abilities now, then yes, I may very well be choosing (however unconsciously) to take on the victim's role. I'm not a powerless child anymore. That's not to say utilizing my adult abilities and options is easy. It's not. Growing up having been truly victimized has a way of stunting our growth for dealing with conflict and turmoil, but we don't have to stay at that childhood level forever. T's work to help us see that we do, indeed, have those abilities and options that we've sort of grown blind to over the years, probably out of sheer fear, again engrained in us during our abuse.

[Perna]

I think of victim "role" as being a kind of acceptance that bad things happened to me. This person did this, that and the other horrible thing to me and I couldn't do anything about it, etc. but one leaves out the anger that goes with having things done to one's self that one does not like; being "forced".

Force requires resistance; yes, often lack of resistance is necessary so one can live to fight another day, but it's never necessary in talking to a T, saying you now do X because Y happened to you; Y definitely has an influence but cannot force your current response if you are an adult. The battered woman can leave (and usually eventually does or dies/gets seriously hurt) but does not; there are always choices and no one else can say what is good or bad or right or wrong but "helpless" when telling one's story is a victim "role".

I think T's want to hear, "The bassturd held me at knife point so I couldn't do anything" not, "He told me not to and I didn't want to make him angry so there wasn't anything I could do."

Originally Posted by Favorite Jeans

How did you feel when they said that?
I don't think I'd like to hear someone say that to me. On the other hand, when you're repeatedly finding yourself in the same situation, maybe it's time to think about your contribution to the situation.
Often a really good T can help you come to your own conclusions just by giving you time to hear yourself. They could for example say something like:
"does it seem to you like there might be some similarities between your experience with Bob and your experience with Jane?
"Huh, what do you make of that?"
"What would it feel like to you if you expressed your anger/left the room/broke off contact at that point?"
IMHO it is much more satisfying and powerful to figure it out myself than to be told what T sees even if it takes (much) longer. By the time I've come to my own conclusion I feel more able to change. When someone tells me I have to change I feel a bit frozen and uncertain of my ability to do so.

Thank you for your advice and I am thinking the very same that I find myself in the same situations- relationships with abusive people. So, I must take responsibility for my contribution to these unhealthy relationships.
It is not nice to have someone point this out to me but on the other hand by pointing it out I can change something and make thing better and have a better quality of life. I didnt relaise I was a codependant but I am very much so and am working on becoming more involved in my own life and not others.
Thank you again for your post, it gave me some clarity

Originally Posted by 1914sierra

I've never had this description used to describe the actual abuse I went through (and I wonder if you are misunderstanding that). When I've been described as taking on the victim's role, it has been in the context of current life, not past abuse.

I am no longer the child who was truly victimized and powerless. I have the power, cognitive ability, and choice now as to how I react to current events in my life. I have options (if I choose to take them) and skills (if I choose to use them) to get me through the difficult times I encounter as an adult that I simply didn't have as a child.

If I choose not to recognize my options and skills and abilities now, then yes, I may very well be choosing (however unconsciously) to take on the victim's role. I'm not a powerless child anymore. That's not to say utilizing my adult abilities and options is easy. It's not. Growing up having been truly victimized has a way of stunting our growth for dealing with conflict and turmoil, but we don't have to stay at that childhood level forever. T's work to help us see that we do, indeed, have those abilities and options that we've sort of grown blind to over the years, probably out of sheer fear, again engrained in us during our abuse.

Perhaps you are right Chris, maybe i did misunderstand the way it was used, I have been known to this before. i am getting to the stage now where I realise I have choices and can change my situation. I never thought about that before entering therapy, I was always so caught up in trying to please others. Thank you for your response, it is very empowering

Originally Posted by Perna

I think of victim "role" as being a kind of acceptance that bad things happened to me. This person did this, that and the other horrible thing to me and I couldn't do anything about it, etc. but one leaves out the anger that goes with having things done to one's self that one does not like; being "forced".

Force requires resistance; yes, often lack of resistance is necessary so one can live to fight another day, but it's never necessary in talking to a T, saying you now do X because Y happened to you; Y definitely has an influence but cannot force your current response if you are an adult. The battered woman can leave (and usually eventually does or dies/gets seriously hurt) but does not; there are always choices and no one else can say what is good or bad or right or wrong but "helpless" when telling one's story is a victim "role".

I think T's want to hear, "The bassturd held me at knife point so I couldn't do anything" not, "He told me not to and I didn't want to make him angry so there wasn't anything I could do."

I think that lately t is forcing me into hearing things that I should be working out on my own or maybe I am not even capable of working things out on my own just yet and need to hear these things.
I wish I wasn't a victim but truth is i have always been a victim of abuse, sexual, physical and emotional and some part of me lets this happen and that makes me feel sick to my stomach. My first t told me that and I hated her because I thought she was trying to hurt me, ( I was putting myself into the victim role again).

[Raging Quiet]

Originally Posted by monalisasmile

Hmmmmm, ok well I am going to have a little rant here so excuse me if anyone is sensitive to these issues please look no further.

So altogether I have seen three different ts, all three of them have said that I put myself into a victims role. I have since accepted that and am trying to catch myself before I say something to put me back there, but if something bad happens to you, aren't you a victim? I don't agree with ts telling me I am putting myself there by telling them what happened to me. It happened and I had no choice about it, now I have choices but I didn't then. I was a child.

Second thing is t suggested I read a book about codependency. I suppose I never identified with that term before but I can see now that it would relate to me.
I don't even know what my point is... Sorry, I just needed to vent

Oh my goodness! My T also loaned me a book to read about co-dependency. I disagreed with her suggestion - I am very empathic and its not my fault that I have to coordinate my family. She described it as 'allowing your identity to be similar to who you are with' so you become their emotion and never take control for yourself. It also made me think that, like you, she refers to me as a victim and now stops reacting to anything I say so I stop feeling like one.

I hate being called codependant, it makes me feel that everything I went through I bought on myself and my T hasn't suggested how to recover from codependancy yet, but I know it's possible.

[Favorite Jeans]

I think that lately t is forcing me into hearing things that I should be working out on my own or maybe I am not even capable of working things out on my own just yet and need to hear these things.
I wish I wasn't a victim but truth is i have always been a victim of abuse, sexual, physical and emotional and some part of me lets this happen and that makes me feel sick to my stomach. My first t told me that and I hated her because I thought she was trying to hurt me, ( I was putting myself into the victim role again).[/QUOTE]

Hey you know sometimes it's more helpful to just think of yourself as not having had the opportunity/role models/permission to learn the skills that are necessary to stand up for yourself. Most people get to learn that in childhood. You probably didn't. If labels like "codependent" feel useful in helping you understand yourself and your path to change, then great. If they make you feel ashamed for "letting" abuse happen to you, you can avoid them.
Either way the task ahead is learning new skills and (maybe) understanding where your old pattern comes from. I know the sick feeling but try not to dwell there. You can start practicing by assertively saying to your T "I don't like when you say X about me! Can you think of another way to describe this that isn't so shaming?"

[Favorite Jeans]

Therapy should be the relationship where you get to practice your new skills. The relationship itself, not just what T says, should be healing in that you have the opportunity --maybe for the first time in your entire life!-- to start to play the role of the assertive, self-possessed person you want to be (and your T refrains from bullying, shaming or otherwise victimizing you).

[ultramar]

I think it's possible you've misinterpreted these therapists' intentions when commenting on the victim role. In the sense that I highly doubt a therapist would accuse you of being in the victim role (with the negative connotation this can carry) *when/as a child.* That's completely different from observing that as an adult/now you are taking on the victim role -I suspect this is what they were referring to.

In this respect, I would think they would not wish you to edit what you say (you mention doing this) as far as describing abuse as a child, but instead wish you to see your identity as an adult in a different way; perhaps it's a question more of behavior than words, your interpretation of situations in the present, rather than the past.

I would talk to your current therapist about what she means by a victim role and co-dependency as an adult. These can mean a lot of different things to different people, so it would apply to you personally in specific ways. Maybe you'll end up disagreeing with her, but either way I think you could gain a lot from such a conversation.