T said something yesterday

T said that I couldn't hurt her and that nobody could hurt her. People could say something to try and upset her but that it was her choice in how she reacted.
At first I was kind of like, what an odd thing to say to someone who wasn't trying to hurt her in the first place.

Button yeah that does seem odd. Are you going to ask what she meant by that?

Were you talking about people hurting you? Was she trying to tell you that you can choose how to respond?

yes and no....I think she was trying to tell me that we all have a choice in how we react but it wasn't anything to do with what we were talking about.

Was it in connection with your ex hurting you?

HI The well, I am not going to ask her as I wont see her for a few weeks. I was kind of hurt by it and I don't know why. Soemtimes I dont know what to make of new T. I asked her could she start session and she said absolutely not as then it would be her session not mine

Yes it was but it was different, that was bound to hurt what happened with my ex.

I once told my therapist that I didn't feel important to anyone. Being a therapist, she said, "Not even me?"

And I said, "No. I know that I can't do anything to hurt you. That means I'm really not that important."

I don't know where these words came from. I had never expressed them before, and I have absolutely no intention of hurting her. I think what I was trying to say was that I didn't feel like our relationship is really *real*, since I know I can't influence her emotions--including hurt and anger. But the words didn't come out like this.

In response, my therapist said, "Of course, you can't hurt me! But that doesn't mean you aren't important. My own children can't hurt me! They can make me angry, but they can't hurt me. And they are important to me."

I don't understand the difference between anger and hurt. I don't think there is a difference. But her words sound eerily similar to what your therapist said. They must have learned that in school or something.

Thanks autotellica, it must be the first thing they learned in therapy school! The words hurt though, I think you hit the nail on the head when you said that it makes the relationship seen not real or fake and thus it gives them a bigger ego!

Hmmm... I do think you can hurt someone's feelings or be hurt. I hurt my T's feelings once - I know this because she told me that her feelings had been hurt. I was not happy that I had done this but was glad that she was honest because it gave us a chance to talk about it and it allowed me to see that she was human too.

hmm ...
so you can't hurt, nobody can hurt her
but somebody (your ex; your mother) can hurt you ...
just seems odd still what she tells you

maybe trying to reassure you that anything you might do or say in the future wot run her off....like if you started behaving badly like me.

Butterfly, how did you hurt her feelings?

Tiger girl, I do find the things she says odd too! I mean sometimes I feel as though we are two friends having a chat rather than t and client! She isn't that old and is always saying, oh I like your top, bag, etc.. Where as old t was just very professional and never made small talk or ever mentioned anything about herself or her feelings! I guess it's a sore subject for me because once during a heated argument, my ex said I meant nothing to her and I could never hurt her, t didn't know this but it brought back lots of feelings for me! I just wish she hadn't said it cos now I am starting to not like her!

Tentative, that's a good point! I am sure you don't behave badly, if you did your t would tell you! I hope you made am appt for next week and sorted something out with t!

So what happens in two weeks when you finish with this one? You mentioned you have another t as well ?

Can you tell this one her comment bought things back for you?

GI don't think I can, I am wanting to not go back to her now! I even didn't make another appt because I don't think I can go back! I do have the other one but only for another 3 sessions and I really like her, she is my favourite T So far! She is much older and is so kind and good at her job! I feel like this younger t does not care, she will let me sit there in quiet and not ask what's going on or am I ok, bye last time she said it's up to me how I use my time!

I don't buy the no one can hurt me part- seems childish (my personal experience with this defense mechanism). Once you'll get close to someone you're risking the possibility that they can hurt you. Only ppl with no real human connection can't be hurt - still risking the possibility of being hurt physically and emotionally by strangers though. So yes ppl can and do hurt you (and you sometimes hurt them) but if you're strong enough you can overcome it.
Ideally I think clients are not supposed to be able to hurt their T- but it does happen and depends on the T how he/she handles it.

Frankly, I don't see how saying this could be beneficial for you- cause you obviously got hurt and this might be implying that you let it happen (i.e. let ppl hurt you).

I think maybe that's what she was implying because she had asked before why I let people hurt me and I hadn't realised I was doing it!

How did I hurt my T? Well, I am a bit ashamed to say, but...
A few years back, I was sharing a letter with my T - it was a letter I had written to her in my journal in which I said that I "hated" her for something she had said. My T did not reply to that part of the letter. It was not until I was talking to her about the issue and said, "You know, I don't really hate you and I wish I had not written that" that I saw tears well up in her eyes and I heard her say, "I'm glad you don't hate me." I felt awful and told her that I had not meant to hurt her feelings. She told me that she was human and that her feelings had been hurt but that she was really glad we could both talk about it. I guess that for me, being able to talk about it honestly was the best part.

She is reassuring you that you don't need to worry about her, that you are free to say anything and she can deal with it, that she is sturdy and not breakable. She is strong and secure.

Perhaps she just offered this, or perhaps she sensed you holding something back and wanted you to feel free to say whatever comes to mind.

.

Oh I am so sorry that must have hurt. She should be used to clients taking their anger out on her, she must have liked you to react like this. Glad you sorted it out though.

Thank you Echoes, I hope this was her reasoning but I percieved it as being mean and heartless. Perhaps I misinterpreted the situation.

The reality IMO is that ALL people can be hurt, their reactions can be controlled to not show they are being hurt, but I don't think people have a choice in the matter, it just happens. As far as the GF saying what she did, those who protest the loudest are usually the ones who are truly effected. Maybe she just said you couldn't hurt her to convince herself or keep you from seeing it.

Thats exactly why she said it Lola because she was trying to convince herself and plus she had a really nasty streak and knew when she would say things like that I would cry for days on end because it felt like she didn't care about me and she didn't, so T saying that brought back lots of memories