Something's are better left unsaid

So me and my T get along really well. I have never broke down in front of him or been angry with him etc. Having a male T for me was going to be a challenge, and we talked about it, as I never have "considered" men. I never saw them as having emotions or compassion etc.
I am also one who needs to know the process,I want to make sure I am doing therapy correctly. So we talked about me not crying yet, as it seems to be an important part of the healing process. He tells me , " I could make you cry, if I wanted too"... Well now I'm a little mad, first emotion toward him..mad..

I go home I think about it , I email him. Telling him I thought that was arrogant and it didn't sit well with me. He responded

" I apologize for saying what I did. All I meant was that because you have let me in you are at a vulnerable place. Therefore, if I was to take advantage of you I could hurt you. But I don't want to!!!! I want to help. Make sense?"

Yeah, makes sense but now it is confirmed, I'm vulnerable and he can hurt me ... This makes me wanna build higher walls, I think I was better just letting it happen and not pointing it out.

Thoughts?

Lola (HUgs),
I would be very mad at him too. Like your post title, somethings are better left unsaid. He could have worded it better, like apologised for saying it and admitted it was a mistake. It was a very arrogant and abusive thing to say and if he said it to me I would be runnning to the hills away from him now. This is why I wouldn't see a male T. But I can't coin them all together.

Use this as your opportunity to be in a HEALTHY vulnerable relationship. Most of us here have been in very unhealthy vulnerable positions/relationships in our lives and as a result learned to throw up walls to survive. But this is a relationship where your vulnerability will lead to healing. Fight the old survival instinct; you don't need it this time.

Lola,
Your T might have been trying to elicit anger by saying what he said, while also teaching you that the reason you haven't cried or felt anger was because you weren't trusting him, weren't being vulnerable. The reason he might want to elicit anger ;would be to help you move forward and help you learn to trust and how to deal with your feelings of vulnerability. Maybe, I don't know. I can't say that I'm in favor of these types of techniques, but I know that they happen. Let us know how things go at your next session. Meanwhile, take care of yourself

I think if he wasn't a man, I wouldn't be so mad. The thought that I would be vulnerable with a man, considering my history is the issue. I don't think he meant anything bad by it, it's the way I'm taking it.

Button30-I conscientiously made a decision to see a male, as my experience with a female was more then I could handle... Plus I think in the end this will be like killing 2 birds with one stone.

I haven't responded to him, nor do I intend to... I see him again Tuesday.

I think it was an accident on his part, as we are very honest with each other...he even says "I don't know" sometimes and said its hard for him to do that with clients unless he's comfortable. He also commented on not wanting to push me too hard as he knows I'll cut and run.l. And he's right, and i confirmed it...so I don't think this is a T trick. I'm just gonna sit with it and see what happens.

Let's get some mortar and bricks and go to town. I'm in.

Seriously though...of course he can hurt you, anyone can, whether you let them in or not. If you don't let them in, you just get pissed and toss the relationship...but it still hurts. (All those feelings of "why don't they like me?")

I really don't like the way he worded it at all. It is cocky and a bit awkward, but sometimes you have to just let people screw up and then work it out with them.

But it freaking hurts SO BADLY!!!!

Just remember, even if your T was a woman, she would still have the ability to hurt you because the kind of hurt you are really talking about here is emotional, not physical. We are just as vulnerable to our female T's as we are to our male T's. Your T isn't going to hurt you though. He's telling you that even though he technically has the power to hurt you, he's not going to do that. He's on your side.

Women have the ability to hurt me even worse....at least with a man I felt like I could have a bit more control over the situation. Thanks Chris

Wiki-I know you know how it feels and believe me, his wording will be addressed.

I think those are particularly arrogant comments. And are they even true? Being left in a vulnerable place, yes, I understand that-- but saying he could make you cry if he wanted to and he could hurt you if he wanted to? That sounds a bit like a God complex to me. Speaking for myself, my T does not have the power to make me cry. I have more control over my emotions than T does. It's up to each of us how much other people's opinions and actions can affect how we feel, and how we feel about ourselves. It's possible to be vulnerable with T, without being a "puppet" who T can make cry and make hurt at will. I think the goal of T is to learn how to be vulnerable in relationships, but also how to be strong and independent enough that other people's opinions and actions don't hurt us so much. For instance, if we have high self-esteem, others can make negative comments about us, but we don't have to internalize or believe those comments. In general, do you feel safe with your T? Do you find him to be compassionate, or does he often say things that have a hint of arrogance in them? Maybe this was just one, isolated mistake on his part... but if I were in your shoes, I think I'd be pretty taken aback by this.

I don't think having the ability to make someone cry makes them vuneable. Allowing the person to reach THEIR tears takes professionalism though.

He's young..

I think it was very courageous of you to be direct with him about what you thought about what he said.

I'm a fan of the brutal truth. The clients that I work with all know what it means when I say "brutal truth time." I'm not a fan of bullsh*t, either giving or taking. So I would have more respect for my T in your shoes, although I don't disagree with any of the labels you or others have applied to him for how your T said it. I just care less and less about how people say things and am more focused on what they actually say.

I once told my T that I'd played sax in high school and he responded enthusiastically (he's a musician) with "I didn't know that." Yeah, I said, now you know one of my secrets.

"One of several", he said, an oblique reference to the CSA and other experiences I had pretty recently disclosed to him. I winced, but I also shrugged. He was right, and although I probably would have liked to not be reminded, I appreciated that he wouldn't "allow" me to throw out even a tiny denial defence.

get a voodoo doll. That'll teach him.

I have struggled with this too, viewing men as "real people" who have emotions.

Why do you feel this way about them?

I don't think your T meant anything bad by what he said, I think he just meant he could help you open up (cry) in session, and he just worded it very poorly.

What a great idea, a t voodoo doll.

Now available in the Therapy Store. If I had one of those for exT it would be so full of holes!

Oh I cant wait to get mine and stick needles into her eyes....(insert evil laugh here).
Seriously, I think you would make a fortune on this

I do not disagree with anything you said , I too am very direct and I do appreciate that, but it doesn't make the reality feel any better .

Because I was introduced to sex way to young by boys and men and all the ones in my life, with the exception of my great grandfather, were cut from the same cloth, cold, distance, disrespectful to women, just mean and they either abused me or watched the women do it.

Lola, I can understand why your guard is up with men. You are so brave trusting this male T of yours, I just hope that he can admit his mistake on Thursday and admit his wording was wrong. I do believe though there are some good ment out there, they are few and far between but they exist and hopefully T will get rid of that arrogant streak too.

A therapist may not (and I think this is a stretch) intend to hurt a client, but I think it is incorrect to say they are not going to do so as a blanket statement.

I agree stopdog , I think it wasn't intentional, I'll know when I see him, I read body language and facial expressions very well.

lol, what a creative idea Wikid

wow again the more i read about what he said it is insane.
my first responce would be total fear.

i have thought about this some and maybe it can be used as a way to learn about trust .like maybe knowing he can hurt you and trusting that he will not is a huge trust thing i hope you will be able to work more with him on this