[BlessedRhiannon]

The trouble with T's is that they always want to know WHY.

I had a session with T yesterday, and as I was driving home, I realized that I'd been rather defensive and snappy to my T. I was feeling very insecure, and that came out as defensiveness. I've always gotten in trouble for being defensive so, I've learned that I must apologize for this behavior. I FEEL like I have to apologize. Besides, it's not fair to T to act defensive towards her when it wasn't really warranted. So, yesterday afternoon, I called and left a message for T. I knew she'd be gone from the office and that I'd get her voicemail, which is what I wanted, because I didn't want a long discussion. I just wanted to apologize. Normally, when I offer an apology for something, T will tell me that she can't accept it because it's not necessary. This time, I felt it WAS necessary, and I didn't want T to tell me otherwise. I just said in the message that I didn't need a call back, I only wanted to apologize for being defensive in our session, as it was unnecessary.

Today, I got an email from T, asking how I felt my defensiveness manifested. So, either she didn't think I was being defensive, or she just wanted me to elaborate. I replied back that I was acting snappy, and my tone of voice changed, and I felt like I had to defend my actions. This is the whole reason I left a voicemail and told her I didn't need a call back. I just wanted to apologize and leave it at that. But, nooooo...T wants to talk about it. GRRRR.

I haven't gotten a reply back to my email - probably won't until tomorrow morning. Not sure I want her to reply!

This is the whole reason I left a voicemail and told her I didn't need a call back. I just wanted to apologize and leave it at that. But, nooooo...T wants to talk about it. GRRRR.

I think this part is kinda of funny. Not your feelings or reactions, just the wording. It is kinda like you wanted to send the vm then hide, and she caught you?! the "GRRR" was the icing on the cake for me. I was doubled over laughing....

I also think it is a good thing she caught you, IMHO you need to talk about this. One of the great things about t to me is I can basically act how I want. (within reason) and it is accepted. I don't have to apologize, I usually, like you have to explain why, but not apologize.

your t sounds like a keeper. seem to me, she knows you very well.

I hope this helps and not hurts. sending safe hugs

[BlessedRhiannon]

I guess I did word that kinda funny. And yes, I did just wanna leave a vm and hide and she caught me. The whole reason I left a vm was because I didn't want a response.

I know we should talk about it, but I don't want to. Yet, the more I think about it, the more I know I should talk to her. I just keep thinking "I'm not supposed to get defensive towards others, and if I do, I need to apologize, because I'm in the wrong." And, I know that's probably some flawed thinking there that needs to be worked through. I'm sure T will bring it up at the next session.

My T really is awesome and she knows me well. Just...grrrr. That's the trouble with good T's: they get to know you, and challenge you, and want to know why!

You do no no one forces us into therapy. A therapist will remain focused on the job. They'd be doing us an injustice otherwise.

[KazzaX]

That's what society teaches us... that defensiveness is unacceptable. They teach you that in primary school, high school, university/college and they also teach you that when you are in the working sphere. So no wonder you are telling yourself the same thing! Its a hard thing to learn the opposite because everyone (except Ts) has the opposite opinion! It's like learning that murdering people is OK. its like "whaaa?" haha It's like we are supposed to do something illegal (or wrong) so how could it be ok if everyone else is saying its wrong!

"I'm not supposed to get defensive towards others, and if I do, I need to apologize, because I'm in the wrong."

OMG this. But an apology is also a defensive strategy - sometimes you try to defend yourself against criticism by apologising, to deflect any harsh words by getting the apology in first. So sometimes you're defensive by apologising, and since being defensive is wrong, you apologise for this, and and.... (I say "you" but I mean "me" - I don't know if you also do this )

Oh, and

The trouble with T's is that they always want to know WHY.

OMG this too. (Though my two ex-Ts did not ask "why" a lot. Current T, though, is like a six-year-old in that respect. )

[BlessedRhiannon]

Originally Posted by Apteryx

OMG this. But an apology is also a defensive strategy - sometimes you try to defend yourself against criticism by apologising, to deflect any harsh words by getting the apology in first.

Ya know, I hadn't thought about that, but I see your point. I didn't want to be told that I was wrong, so I apologized for being defensive before I could be told that I needed to. However, I also honestly felt that I needed to apologize. I know that in our next session, T is probably going to say it wasn't necessary, but I really felt it was.

Originally Posted by Apteryx

Though my two ex-Ts did not ask "why" a lot. Current T, though, is like a six-year-old in that respect.

Actually, my T rarely uses the word "why" but she always wants me to elaborate. "How did feeling defensive manifest itself?" "Where are you feeling that in your body?" Etc. If she did keep using "Why", I'd probably get frustrated and just start answering "because!"