[granite1]

i have been talking some about this to people here and doing a lot of thinking sense my last T session. my T was talking about how i have been seeing her now for three years this October. how this relationship should be strong enough that i can ask her about it if i think she is angry at me. all this hit a huge nerve with me. my fear that she is ready to kick me to the curb is in overdrive. i need to do something .in three years i have shared so little about my past with her. i want to i really do. i have this thing in my T bag that i printed out weeks ago and said here that i wanted to share it with her .but every time i go to my session i chicken out.i don't want to keep chickening out but all this stuff in my head gets in the way. i can write so easily about what went on but talking and telling is such a different story.

i want to give her what i printed out about being kept in my room and all but i don't know how. i don't know how to get passed all this stuff in my head. all the fear. what i had written is long but i want to say everything in it.i know i wouldn't be able to read it and i am scared to sit there as she is reading it. it will be so uncomfortable. what do i do as she is reading it ? just sit there? god i would die.so many humiliating things i have written in it. i couldn't give it to her to read later i know she would only read it if i was there. if she read it at all.I'm terrified of her reaction, what if she doesn't believe me.what if she reads it and puts it aside and acts like it is not important.it is so important to me,what if none of it matters to her and she didn't care to know any of it .and this is not what she wants from me.what if she doesn't want to deal with it.or thinks it is to much.or then knows how disgusting i really am.maybe i could leave some of the very bad stuff out. but i want her to know. what if she talks about it some during the session and then i go back the next week and nothing. i go in and she says so whats on your mind this week.like i never said anything and total silence from me. everything i said gone like it doesn't matter. and what about fall out. i know that she must think i can handle this stuff just fine but i never talk about it she has no idea how i handle it neither do i and i am terrified to talk to her about that because i don't want to be needy. she isn't in her office for the rest of the week after our session and i have no contact.i don't think she thinks i ever need it or that i get that bad .i never tell her if i SI or anything .or have a hard time.i am sure she thinks i am fine all week. but i never have talked about this stuff.i don;t even know if she would believe that .i have never even told her that.

after three years this is what i have.nothing.i read about how much people have shared with there T after 3 years.how close they are.and I'm terrified to even give her a chance.how do i do this.sorry to keep on whining about this.but i need to do something and i want to do it this coming week if i can

[stopdog]

Can you tell the therapist this part of it?

[pbutton]

I agree with stopdog. Can you print out this post and read it to her? See what she says about how she'll handle this & then you can decide if you want to give her the details sometime soon.

[velcro003]

yeah, what about that? I think that your T KNOWS it was really bad for you, Granite. Sh'es waiting for you to tell her. She won't be disgusted by you, nor will she think that letter is unimportant. But we can all tell you that, and you will only be able to see that if you hear it from your T. You are becoming stronger and stronger in your conviction to tell her. I know you will. Give yourself time. It is big, hard, scary stuff. Your T knows this, and this is why she is sticking with you.

[Miswimmy1]

It won't be humiliating. I give my t "epistles" to read and she will ask me if I want to read them out loud, if I want her to do it now, or I want her to do it sillently. I usually tell her to read it silently. But she will stop and coment every few lines or so. And we talk about it. So it isn't as awkward as it sounds.

Also it took me a long time to reach out in crisis. When I was self harming, etc. and I wish I had done it sooner. T is a lucky resource and I wish I has gotten the guts to open up sonner. I hope that u can get the courage to talk to her. Because it is really helpful.

[Anne2.0]

I can imagine that it would be overwhelming to read the entire letter to her, or to have her read the entire letter while you are there.

Can you read one thing to her? I bet that you can. Maybe just one sentence, "I was kept in my room a lot." (or however you would say that, I'm just guessing from what you wrote).

You recognize that disclosing these things is a really big thing. It is and your recognition of that is a huge step. But how do you do this? Easy and tough. Just say one thing at one session (doesn't have to be your next one). Say it outloud to the mirror to practice every day for three days beforehand. Just one sentence.

Say just one thing. You don't ever have to say another thing again. Just see how she responds. I don't think she's going to be disgusted. I think she's going to be sad that you had to grow up like that, but she's going to think you are brave for saying it.

When you say it, you release at least some of its power over you.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by velcro003

yeah, what about that? I think that your T KNOWS it was really bad for you, Granite. Sh'es waiting for you to tell her. She won't be disgusted by you, nor will she think that letter is unimportant.

I can't think how many PC people have posted this exact concern, and it never happened. I don't remember ONE TIME a client said that they told something huge and their therapist went eeeewwwww and ran screaming.
Not once, Granite.
This is what people go into therapy for, among other things. This is what the Ts are trained to handle.

IMPORTANT: I am not minimizing how hard it is for the client AT ALL, please don't think that for a second. Just maybe something to think about.

[bluemountains]

Hi Granite,
I remember how hard it was, and at times still is, to talk about my childhood with my t. I wrote it in parts each week and she would read it silently. I would watch her expressions as she read sometimes, and then I would have to cover my head because her reactions made me so sad. At times I thought she might cry and I felt terrible for this. When we would discuss what I had written afterwords, she would make me feel so much better. Now she is able to explain how some of my current behaviors happen because of certain events in my childhood. She is helping me to get rid of the negative thoughts that control my life.
Maybe you can share just a little bit at a time, too. It is hard, but so worth it.
Bluemountains

[granite1]

so most of you think that what i want to share is to much at one time??

I don't think it would be too much for T, but from what you say maybe it would be easier for you if you did it a little at a time?

[granite1]

i worry i will give a little and not like how it feels at all and never ever bring it up again. i don't know. but i bet you are all right.

[BonnieJean]

granite ..if it is what you shared with us about being kept in your room it is an important thing for ur t to know. It will help her know you better and help her know how to help you. I can imagine it is hard to get the nerve up to share it. Can you tell her you have something to share but that you need her help to do that and see what she offers?

[granite1]

i was thinking what i would say is this

i printed out something i wrote about being in my room and i want you to have it to read if you want.i'm not sure i even want to talk about it or anything but just wanted you to know about it and what it was like.

or something like that if i can get that many words out. that is what i would want to say but may only be able to say, here

[WikidPissah]

I think that's a good plan Granite.

[velcro003]

Originally Posted by granite1

so most of you think that what i want to share is to much at one time??

no. not for your T, but only YOU know how much you can handle at one time.

Originally Posted by granite1

i was thinking what i would say is this

i printed out something i wrote about being in my room and i want you to have it to read if you want.i'm not sure i even want to talk about it or anything but just wanted you to know about it and what it was like.

or something like that if i can get that many words out. that is what i would want to say but may only be able to say, here

i think this is PERFECT.

[unaluna]

my T said recently that he is able to help me so well, cuz I describe so perfectly for him how things were for me - how I felt put-upon at the dining room table, how I felt isolated in my room - and the other way around. nowhere was safe and comfortable. except now with t. we are all at different stages on our journey, and our reactions to the bad mother book and other books show it. I guess my question is - she has seen your drawings, sat thru your silences - really, almost anything you say, or any of us say - IS horrible to us, but they are witnesses, not judgmental. That is such a big difference. I cannot deal with judgmental. I don't want to tell people about my mini-stroke because of judgmental. One of my BFF's was getting all judgmental on me via email - why aren't the drs doing this? etc - it was starting to tick me off. Or "this shouldn't have happened to YOU." Who, then? We are all just random numbers, helping each other along the best we can, the Rifleman way

[BonnieJean]

Originally Posted by granite1

i was thinking what i would say is this

i printed out something i wrote about being in my room and i want you to have it to read if you want.i'm not sure i even want to talk about it or anything but just wanted you to know about it and what it was like.

or something like that if i can get that many words out. that is what i would want to say but may only be able to say, here

that sounds like a plan that would work

[rainbow8]

I think, even if you tell your T "here" and give it to her, it would be helpful. But will she read it, or ask you to read it? I hope she'll read it because it's information that she can use to help you, and is important.

what about snail mail....write out what you want to say and mail it...then when she gets it she can read it... if she brings up something your not ready to deal with...tell her I'm not ready to talk about that. Your stronger then you give yourself credit for, it took strength just to survive. Harness that same courage and strength to overcome this fear and get the ball rolling

[elliemay]

I think it is a perfectly good plan. Perhaps you could say something like "here is my story. I would like for you to read it. I hope we can begin to discuss it in the sessions to come. I may not be able to at first, but I promise to try"

Fear torpedos all things Granite. It's time to lean into it instead of trying to evade it.

Granite... 20 seconds of courage...

[mixedup_emotions]

(((( granite ))))

I am confident that your T will feel very honored that you felt safe enough and trusting enough in her to do this. I honestly do believe that sharing it all would be better - like ripping off a bandaid instead of slowly.

[granite1]

OK i think you all may be right it is to much all at once and i am freaking because i read it again today and started to chicken out.it is only Sunday and i am freaking so i know it isn't going to happen.i was kind of hopping writing about it here might make it easier but it hasn't. but i have reread the suggestions here and i am not going to give up i am going to put some thought into what is OK but still important information and write that down.kind of a revised addition with out so much humiliating information.maybe i will be able to give that to her and work up to the rest.maybe she will be able to make it easier to talk about it.but i have little faith in that.lol

[Anne2.0]

[quote=granite1;2611815 i was kind of hopping writing about it here might make it easier but it hasn't. [/quote]

Granite, I can only give you my experience, which is consistent with what you wrote here. I spent 2 years in T with my first, about 3 with my second T, and now am going on year 2 with my third T after a 15 year hiatus.

I have written a LOT, like thousands of pages, of journal stuff with lots of traumatic content, and I shared all of it with my first T. With my second T, I started out giving her my journal because that is what I got used to with first T. Then I stopped writing a journal. With my third T, I gave him my journal for much of my first year, then I stopped (but have continued to journal).

And what I have learned is that there is very little therapeutic benefit in the writing beyond the calmness that I feel after I have released it on the page. This is a big deal, so I'm not discounting writing it down. But the real therapeutic benefit is in the sharing of it with T, and what I realized with my current T is that writing it down and giving it to him resulted in me really not talking about it at all. What has helped me leaps and bounds above everything is to tell it out loud. I have not done this very often or very well-- I find that I tend to lose my words, or not explain things very well, or just have a hard time getting it out. And I am pretty much extremely verbal and articulate in real life. I don't really recognize the person who fumbles around talking about traumatic stuff in therapy. But what happens when I share it with T, even those few bungled up phrases or words, is really magical. I see in the way he looks at me and talks back to me that none of the things I used to feel about who I was because of what was done to me are really true. It's like talking to him about it cut the cord between my past and present in such a wholistic and complete way.

That has never happened when I have just given him something to read. He might know a lot of stuff about me, and I'm sure that helps him understand me, and I'm sure I benefit from that. But talking about it-- which I think about the traumatic stuff has never been more than a paragraph's worth of information-- is what has helped me move forward.

My T will not raise anything from my journal and/or ask me about it. I have not asked him to do differently, maybe he would if I ask him. But the T way is to interact with you in session, and although writing things down can be a vehicle for that interaction, it is not a substitute for you talking. Whether you talk about the trauma itself or something else, I think it might be important for you to make sure that you don't get yourself into that place where you just want to give her stuff to read. It's still your role to pretty much say stuff after she's read it. At least in my experience. But that's something to talk to her about too, you can ask her how she will handle you giving her something to read in session. I assume she will read it, but maybe you want to know what will happen afterwards . . . will she ask you questions about it?

But what you said in an earlier post here is also true-- if you don't like how you feel after you tell her something, you don't ever have to tell her anything again. It is all up to you, although I think talking to her about how this all might go and what you're thinking about doing might be a great discussion to have. Good luck.