Why does this always happen to me?

I like the "explain" part, as someone who was raised without boundaries and therefore has none, this is a lesson I am having to learn as an adult. Before T, I didn't even know what the word meant.

I think there's a big difference between maintaining "boundaries" and clarifying time availability and expectations and interests in social interaction. Like, a huge difference. Someone railing against boundaries is calling you when you've asked not to be contacted, or asking you to do what you've already said you don't want to do, or insisting that you should hang out with them when you've already stated you need some alone time. People calling or emailing or whatever asking to spend time with you isn't the same, at least to me. I think that people can ask all they want, especially if they don't mind me repeatedly turning them down.

I think that if you want satisfying and healthy relationships, whether they are social or whether they are romantic, then you have to do some work getting into the groove with potential friends/mates. The perfect person doesn't automatically emerge whose interests and availability fit into your life seamlessly.

Like always, context is important. I find when I'm feeling like everyone in my life is being pushy to spend time with me and I am withdrawing, it might make sense for me to look and see how I push people away. If I'm feeling like people are ignoring me and I'm feeling rejected, it also seems unlikely that my H and my various friends from various walks of life are all colluding when they don't really know each other to reject me, so my own behavior deserves some introspective attention. After all, I am the only one that can do anything about any given situation, so if I can find something that I can change or see differently, then I have learned something useful that will help me in the future. Finding other people as the problem in a situation that makes me uncomfortable does very little to help me figure out how to have more satisfying relationships.

You are absolutely right, and this is where I struggle. For some reason, when someone tries to cross one of my boundaries, I cower. I get this yucky feeling in the pit of my stomach and a tightness in the middle of my chest, and I lock up. It's such an automatic reaction that I struggle with pushing through it in order to react in a healthy way (like, enforcing boundaries).

*sigh*

I have so much work to do.

I made it more clear to my friend about having to have a balance. She seems to understand, but I'm unsure of whether or not that means that she will respect my boundaries.

We have an event on Saturday that we haven't finished prepping for. I am paying for childcare while attending the event, so I only have a certain amount of time to be away. Each time I've suggested that we focus on prepping, other things happen. It's really her thing, not mine - I'm just a member willing to help out....but I expressed my concern about how little we've accomplished in preparing for the event.

She said that some members of the group were planning to come over on Friday night and we would do it then....I told her I was glad that people were getting together so that we could be more prepared. I told her that I wouldn't be there on Friday night. Since I spent all last weekend without my daughter - and will be spending much of this weekend without her - I am planning to spend quality time with her on Friday night.

She said, "Oh, you can bring her"....

I'm not.

She's mentioned that I'm her new BFF now, that she's suffering from MUE-withdrawal, that everybody enjoys me being around, and because I live around the corner, she's so excited about our friendship....

As much as I want to hang out with them, get stuff done for the event and enjoy myself, I cannot sacrifice my daughter. That was the mistake I made in the last close friendship I had. Bringing my daughter along was not a healthy thing for her.

I am going to her house for a couple hours today while my daughter is in school to see what we can accomplish. I'm going to work towards being direct with her, perhaps letting her in on some of my concerns and what I'm going through.

I'm just so torn about it all.

Hmmm, it would make me leery to hear I was someone's "new BFF". Doesn't that mean best friend forever? It kind of implies there have been previous BFFs. I guess those weren't so "forever" if you are the new one! I do hear your concern, MUE. I think you're doing fine to set your boundaries. You've told her this weekend is for your daughter--not a big deal. They should be able to handle meeting without you. It's nice they all like you. Sometimes people who don't have kids don't realize how much planning goes into being able to attend an event without one's child--having to arrange a baby sitter, make sure there is enough cash to be able to pay for one, preparing the food in advance for the child's meal, etc. When my kids were little, it was only on very rare occasions that I paid for a sitter. Just stayed home with the kids a lot. Or had other friends over who also had kids, so they could play together while the adults had some grown-up time. Or met up at playgrounds on weekends, etc. It sounds like you would like to help with your friend's project, but the project meetings don't sound super efficient and are more like social events combined with some work. So your expectations about spending a certain set amount of time helping with the project may not fit into the fun+work type of event the meetings really are.

Since the new friend lives so close, maybe you can have some shorter, less meeting-like interactions--like sharing coffee together one day at one or the other of your homes. Or walking together in the neighborhood on a sunny day with your child in a stroller (not sure how old your child is?). Something with less expectation and commitment--you know what I mean? You wouldn't have the expectation of such a get-together that it would be a time to get project work done. You could just try to enjoy the company of your new friend, learn more about her, see if she reciprocates that kind of interest, and let the relationship develop (or not).

Thanks, Sunrise.....

She has a son the same age as my daughter - but she and her son are not as close as me and my daughter are. He also goes to his dads every other weekend, and my daughter doesn't. So, she has a little more flexibility in that area.

I ended up having a very frank discussion with her yesterday, laying the cards on the table. I explained how fearful I am because of what happened with my last good friendships, how so much else in my life was neglected - including my daughter, etc. And that I struggle with balance in my life and that's what I'm working towards.

She understood....and I'm relieved....but I still feel her trying to pull.....*sigh*

I do feel like this is progress though.

The other person can try to pull or push or whatever. You do not have to react. Their pulling or pushing is them and their deal, not yours. One can't control others, only oneself. The thing you can do is not get pulled or pushed. That is my take on things.

I completely understand this. It was only last week I was telling the CHM that I dont have many friendships and the one that was building with my daughters friends mum, I hadn't made up my mind whether or not to pursue the friendship and she looked at me in a weird way. I thought I was abnormal, so said, must just be me then
I wear my heart on my sleeve and it tends to get me hurt. I also will do anything for anyone which has left the door open to being used as a welcome mat. I guess it's only recently (the last 2 years) I have decided that Ive had enough of these people, dumped them all over time, although one stopped talking to me which once I had gotten over the shock of it i realised i didnt actually care about them anymore. So now I am very wary after what they put me through. Although it can be lonely at times I kind of like being on my own. I especially like it when me and my daughter spend quality time together, which is any time she is awake, where she is home from school and not preoccupied with something else.

It will take time but you will get there eventually. Like you said at least you recognise these red flags. It's much better than jumping in with both feet and ending up in the same position you were previously in.

Hang in there

This ^ would be good to explore with T to figure out all of the components of this.

When you explained everything to your friend did you have to push through this ^?

Good work!

That sounds like big progress, MUE. I'm glad you were able to have that talk and that your friend was receptive.

Thanks, everyone, for the feedback and support. It's helpful to know that there are people who understand what I'm going through...and who can help put this in perspective. (( HUGS ))

Thanks, Sannah....

Yes, I do believe I need to talk through this with T. I'd imagine that it has to do with being violated so many times throughout my childhood and into adulthood. Trauma response.

T has encouraged me to work towards having healthy reactions in spite of how I'm feeling....because those feelings don't typically just 'go away'. It's hard.

And yes, I did have those feelings while trying to address it with her, but luckily we were talking about some things that helped lay the groundwork for that discussion to happen...so that I was able to continue to have the courage to follow through.

I talked to T about some of this in my session today, and he was very pleased. He said that I will probably be having this discussion with her 8-9 times before it really sinks in and the behaviors change. I just need to continue to follow through on enforcing the boundaries and setting limits. So far, so good.

It is really good that you talked to her in spite of the feelings that you were having. Whenever I have had to overcome something like this, this is exactly what I had to do too and eventually my behavior and working through the issue led to the automatic feelings going away. Very good!