Radiating Hatred

I really had a bad day at work today. I try to do as much as I can, but I totally disappointed people today. I hate myself for not being normal. I hate myself so much that it is all that I feel right now. I feel so alone and separated from other people, I'm never going to 'fit in'. I'm tired of trying. Being in this state reminds me of how much my therapist hated me at the end, and I'm not projecting. I wish I had never done anything to ever make him hate me, but I did and I do this with others I'm a failure. The whole world could hate me and I feel so much hate for myself that it wouldn't make a difference. I'm so tired of being okay one day and then hitting rock bottom. I'm tired of trying to assimilate into the general population and I'm tired of thinking about being terminated. I am so ****ing sick to ****ing death of my termination sinking into every ****ing thought I have and showing up unwanted. It is an entity of its own and pops up in my head whenever it pleases. I ****ing hate every minute of every day. My absence was the best gift my therapist ever received. I hate myself.

just want to hug you. i dont know how to help with these kind of feelings. but i do know they suck and are comming from some place so deep they feel like it will never be better. but i know i have to believe they will

Hi Antimatter I totally understand how you feel and know its not easy to change those feelings but if you can pick 1 good memory where you felt safe loved and go there in your mind for while ,even a few mins to give yourself a break Thanks for sharing hope tomorrow is a much better day because there is always somebody that loves us x

Even if others hate you. That's about something in them not you. But if we are full of self hatred it can feel unbearable that its actually a relief to feel as if its coming from others. Just shrug your shoulders and continue onwards.

Wish I was there so I could hug you and let you know you are cared for. Go watch this youtube video: "Alexander and the terrible horrible No good very bad day."

Maybe it will make you smile:

part 1:

part 2:

part 3:

Everyone has bad days. Even a long string of bad days. But it will get better. ::huggs:: Hang in there.

I soooo relate to this right now as you well know... I especially struggle with the bolded part. At the moment it's like the two halves of my brain are at war. One side is rational and despite being really confused is able to integrate information I have learned over the time, the other is CRAZY and is convinced of all sorts of awful things with regard to my almost-ex-T.

I hate how much I think about termination too. Hate it.

But all this hate you have for yourself, it seems like you're taking anger at a situation in which you have no control, and turning it in on yourself, which is something you can control. I think one of the hardest things for me is the total loss of control I have experienced in having a T who made choices that were wrong for me while seemingly unswayed by any evidence that they were the wrong choices. It always felt like there had to be something that would make him stop the course of destruction, but unfortunately, I can't know that and can only decide half of what happens in any relationship. You can't make someone do the right thing for you, and that hurts a lot. Why they do the wrong thing, though, it isn't because of you. You don't deserve to have someone make hurtful choices in how they relate to you.

I'm sorry you're hurting right now. I don't hate you, and in fact you're helping me a lot right now.

((((((antimatter))))))

Antimatter, please try and do something nice for yourself today

Thanks everyone! Your replies really helped I'm not radiating anymore but it is a solid hatred at the moment. In retrospect, although I didn't think that my newT's vacation departure was bothering me, I suspect that it triggered my abandonment/rejection issues and pulled up the termination stuff AGAIN. It's irrational that I turn this hatred inward but it feels like I have more power that way. It's like when I start to feel even a tinge of hurt from being terminated, which I couldn't control, I start feeling hatred and turn it inward, which I can control. I do feel empty while also feeling solid hate, but I'm not feeling like I am worried about xT being gone. I'm not sure. . .

I totally get it. And I think u have it on the nose: ts vacation triggered u. But you ARE strong. And you WILL make it theough. Hang in there. Get a good night rest. And hopefully things will look better in the morning

Hi AMatter, any way that you can stop yourself when the automatic self hate starts? Can you visualize a nice place that you enjoy or tell yourself that you are a child of the universe of something nice? Can you think of us and how we care about you?

It seems that certain things trigger this reaction?

I am no longer radiating hatred, I'm glad to say. I had a good day at work, and I feel so much better. I feel like I can just be me right now. I'm not contending with the past nor worrying about the future.