[seventyeight]

it feels like my therapy keeps getting worse each time i go. by "worse" i mean that my therapist and i don't seem to be communicating very well, and each time i try to clear the air it doesn't help. in addition, i seem to be withholding the truth more and more. it's like i don't feel safe with her any more.

i started today's session telling her that things between us had been feeling "off" for me, and gave her a few examples of how. we tried to go through each thing, but came to the conclusion that it wasn't really about the things we were discussing - that it was about something much larger/different. but still, the things that i was mentioning were bothering me. for example, she explained to me (after i asked) that she doesn't wan to use email for anything more than scheduling/insurance stuff. she says that it doesn't feel right or okay to her to be doing any kind of therapy over email. what's weird is that the last time i emailed her about something i had been feeling, her reply began with "i'm so glad you reached out!" and ended with "thank you again for reaching out to me." so now i'm totally confused. but of course i didn't say anything as i was afraid she get mad that i called her out.

another thing i mentioned is how our hugs have been feeling kind of strained lately. right away she said, "well i didn't hug you last week because i had been feeling ill." i told her that i knew that, but explained that in general the hugs feel like a chore - like we're just going through the motions but aren't really into it. we moved on to talking about something else, and then at the end of session she basically got up and opened the door to let me out. we don't ever talk/hug after the door is open, so i started to leave. she was looking at me with this face though like "oh i guess you're leaving without a hug?" it was so strange. but at that point we were way past the hug point anyway (which is usually done right where/when we stand up). i don't know what to make of it, or if we really we're supposed to hug because she's still kind of ill.

also, just before i was leaving she totally snapped at me. i don't think she's ever done that before, and it felt totally crappy. she said something like, "when THREE people are involved, ONE PERSON (meaning me) doesn't get to make the decision!" i don't even know what i said in response, but i think i just sort of said "okay" or something. it was kind of awful, and totally unlike her.

to make matters worse, i had opened up in the last 15 minutes of session about my sexuality. it's something we rarely talk about, but i ended up blurting out, "lately, i just feel like i'm straight!" we talked about it a little bit (she asked a bunch of questions), and towards the end i remember saying, "this just feels so huge." (i've been out/dating women for 15 years, so to be at odds with a big part of my identity feel like a lot to be dealing with.) then i said, "i think i just need to put this away for now" in an effort to help myself feel okay before leaving, and she just agreed with me. i'm surprised she didn't do/say anything to help "contain" the big thing that i had just revealed. quite the opposite in fact, when she ended up snapping at me. it all left me feeling really unsafe and not okay.

anyway, i wanted to share all of this with someone. i've been trying to deal with the session aftermath as best i can, but it's been difficult. thank you for reading.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

i seem to be withholding the truth more and more. it's like i don't feel safe with her any more.

This ^ seems big and in need of being explored.

Good work bringing up all those issues in session. It doesn't sound like they were resolved for you, though? Will you bring up the snapping in the next session? I don't think of it as that therapy is getting worse but as you are working through issues which are coming up which causes things to wax and wane. Sounds normal actually. Sorry that you are in distress.

[geez]

I definitely tell her you aren't feeling safe and contained in the therapy with her. I told my Second T I felt this way and thought things would work out ok but it backfired on me so I fired her :-) Better to find out sooner than later. Not saying you should fire your T but if she can't help you address whats bothering you then I would find another T.

Just my two cents worth. Therapy is tough stuff!

[SallyBrown]

I wouldn't really be feeling safe in that situation, either. How can you feel safe when you can't know from what she is saying to you what's really going on? That was the situation for so many of us growing up... things are said, but contradicted later, or things are not said and expected to be understood.

It seems almost passive-aggressive to me. I don't know what's going on with her, but I think sometimes T's do forget the power they wield... they have access to both what they are thinking and feeling, and whatever you tell them (verbally or not) about what you are thinking and feeling. You only have the latter, and so are VERY reliant on clarity and consistency. She's not being clear or consistent!

You do have to call her on it, though. Sometimes she might not even realize she hasn't connected two inconsistent things she's done, and doesn't realize you're missing the link between the two. Other times, you just need to stand up for what you know is right for you. Come up with a plan for who initiates hugs, stuff like that.

As for your sexuality... yeah, kind of a big deal. Does it feel like she's kind of checking out? Does she seem preoccupied? How long have you had this feeling of her kind of withdrawing or failing to communicate?

Sorry you're dealing with this

Thats very hard to deal with. I am thinking maybe Ts illness is making her seem distant and snappy, maybe she is feeling crap- its not an excuse for her behaviour though. I think you need to bring all of this up again in your next session or else it will fester.
YOur sexuality is quite a significant thing and if t wasn't interested that would concern me. I am going through a similar situation myself and it can be confusing and scary to be questioning your sexuality and everything you have been for the last 15 years. I would totally call t out on that next time and tell her it is a big deal for you and you need her here in the present and need her help and support right now.

[seventyeight]

This ^ seems big and in need of being explored.

Good work bringing up all those issues in session. It doesn't sound like they were resolved for you, though? Will you bring up the snapping in the next session? I don't think of it as that therapy is getting worse but as you are working through issues which are coming up which causes things to wax and wane. Sounds normal actually. Sorry that you are in distress.

by "withholding" i mean that i've been telling her like 80% of the truth/what i actually want to say. no, pretty much nothing was resolved. yes, waxing and waning is a good way to put it.

thank you, sannah.

[seventyeight]

I definitely tell her you aren't feeling safe and contained in the therapy with her. I told my Second T I felt this way and thought things would work out ok but it backfired on me so I fired her :-) Better to find out sooner than later. Not saying you should fire your T but if she can't help you address whats bothering you then I would find another T.

thanks, geez. but there is NO other therapist for me. i've been to about 8, and she is the only one i've ever opened up to or connected with. we've been working together (well) for four years now. the safety and containment is the issue at the moment though, yes.

[Roukan]

Hey,

I know what you mean, the first therapist I went to ticked me off before I could even sit down. He ask "so what kind of problems are you having?" When I told him what my issue was, he cut me off in mid-sentence and said, "if you put crap in, you will get crap out!" He may should have waited for me to get to my anger issues before pulling my chain. Sometimes we may just have to find a different therapist. One that we feel is going to put our feelings and well-being first priority.

[seventyeight]

I wouldn't really be feeling safe in that situation, either. How can you feel safe when you can't know from what she is saying to you what's really going on? That was the situation for so many of us growing up... things are said, but contradicted later, or things are not said and expected to be understood.

exactly. it was a total contradiction from her previous stance, and made worse by the fact that i was too afraid to say anything.

It seems almost passive-aggressive to me. I don't know what's going on with her, but I think sometimes T's do forget the power they wield... they have access to both what they are thinking and feeling, and whatever you tell them (verbally or not) about what you are thinking and feeling. You only have the latter, and so are VERY reliant on clarity and consistency. She's not being clear or consistent!

yes, she certainly has a lot of power (don't they all?) no, she's not being clear or consistent. consistency was one of the things i used to always count on her for, but now it seems to depend on her mood or whatever. actually, i think she might be influenced by other clients. like with the emailing thing - it seemed totally misdirected, as if another client had abused that privilege but that she was letting me know about it.

You do have to call her on it, though. Sometimes she might not even realize she hasn't connected two inconsistent things she's done, and doesn't realize you're missing the link between the two. Other times, you just need to stand up for what you know is right for you. Come up with a plan for who initiates hugs, stuff like that.

i'm sure i will call her on it, but i don't see her again for another two weeks. i'm not sure if our ability to communicate over the phone is well-developed enough to deal with this. but yeah, the hugs thing is definitely bothering me too.

As for your sexuality... yeah, kind of a big deal. Does it feel like she's kind of checking out? Does she seem preoccupied? How long have you had this feeling of her kind of withdrawing or failing to communicate?

thanks for saying that, sallybrown (and for the rest of your post). i felt like it was a big deal too. yes, it seems like she was checking it out and worse i was feeling like she was happy about it. i was telling her how much i enjoyed being around "male energy" lately, and she got this huge smile on her face (it's not an expression i see often, so it surprised me). i've not felt this way before with her, but it was almost as if she was relieved or something as to how i was feeling - like that i might be "straight." for the record, she seems (or at least, used to seem) very open to alternative lifestyles, etc. in fact, at one point in today's conversation, she said something like, "we're ALL capable of having/acting out those desires.. it's just a matter of if we're willing to or not." something like that, anyway. i don't know how long i've had this feeling.. maybe a few months at least. when i address it, she says it's because of the stuff i'm going through - like that i might be withdrawing because i can't handle the increased intimacy (with her) or whatever other feelings are coming up.

[seventyeight]

Thats very hard to deal with. I am thinking maybe Ts illness is making her seem distant and snappy, maybe she is feeling crap- its not an excuse for her behaviour though. I think you need to bring all of this up again in your next session or else it will fester.
YOur sexuality is quite a significant thing and if t wasn't interested that would concern me. I am going through a similar situation myself and it can be confusing and scary to be questioning your sexuality and everything you have been for the last 15 years. I would totally call t out on that next time and tell her it is a big deal for you and you need her here in the present and need her help and support right now.

yes, button, i thought of that too - that her illness is throwing things (her) off. and yeah, it feels like a SUPER big deal to me, and i'm like in shock about how poorly we are (did) handle it. i'm sorry to hear you're going through something similar. hugs to you.

[Miswimmy1]

I dont know what to say, except that therapy is a long process and it has it's ups and downs. You said u have been with t for 4 years. I think you should have built a steady enough relationship to survive whatever you are going theough. I would begin by being honest and going from there. T is there to support you, and I think you will be able to work it all out

[rainbow8]

I'm sorry you're going through such tough times with your T. I also wonder if her illness has something to do with the way she is acting, but that's not an excuse for being inconsistent about the email situation or for snapping at you.

I would suggest telling her that you feel unsafe and confused by her actions. All of your reasons are valid, and you two need to discuss it until you've come to a mutual understanding.

I hope the 2 weeks goes quickly for you. I know how crummy it feels when T-problems are unresolved and you have that unsettled feeling.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by seventyeight

to make matters worse, i had opened up in the last 15 minutes of session about my sexuality. it's something we rarely talk about, but i ended up blurting out, "lately, i just feel like i'm straight!" we talked about it a little bit (she asked a bunch of questions), and towards the end i remember saying, "this just feels so huge." (i've been out/dating women for 15 years, so to be at odds with a big part of my identity feel like a lot to be dealing with.) then i said, "i think i just need to put this away for now" in an effort to help myself feel okay before leaving, and she just agreed with me. i'm surprised she didn't do/say anything to help "contain" the big thing that i had just revealed.

I would agree with the others who say that talking to her directly about the snapping at you and the inconsistency (I thought Sally's perspective that sometimes we don't even realize that we are being inconsistent was really helpful and insightful) would be a helpful thing for you to do. I know that anytime I have expressed feeling that my T is giving me any kind of negative attitude, he is always very responsibility-taking about that and is straight about saying that he did not mean to express negativity, and he's sorry that he did. I know that I am not always aware when I'm snapping at people even though when it's pointed out to me I can usually see where they are coming from.

I do relate to the sexuality issue both in the abstract and in the idea of containment. I was on the board of my community GLBT center and had otherwise dated women for more than 15 years when I found myself in love with the man who is still my H 15 years later. It was way harder to come out about my relationship with him than it ever was to date women in the first place. As I look back I realize that love and attraction for me have probably always been about the person rather than the gender per se, but it took me awhile to get to that place rather than freaking out about what it would mean for my life to at least appear "straight".

I do wonder about whether your perspective about your T failing to help you contain these big feelings that you revealed at the end of your session is a bit skewed. I think first of all that "doorknob moments" in T (things said at the end of session where there isn't enough time to resolve them) are the responsibility of the client to really bring up earlier in the session or to be satisfied that these really need to be continued in the next session. It's not always possible, but I have found it's a lot better for my therapy if I bring up the big stuff at the beginning of a session.

Containment is a frequent topic in my therapy and one of the things I really appreciate about my T is that he is careful to allow me to container things myself rather than rushing in to do it for me. Sometimes he asks if I need to container something before I leave, and I say yes. Then I use my skills of imagery to literally leave it somewhere nearby his office (the roof of the building outside his window has various "boxes" and I like to use those), or I release it into the universe, where the big thing feels small). Sometimes he will say "it feels like it has been put away" and I will confirm that is the case. Occasionally I have had trouble putting it away, so I ask him to help. Learning to container things myself is a coping skill that really helps me outside the therapy room and is one of the best things I have learned that has improved my quality of life and allowed me to generally be more mindful.

But my interpretation of what happened with your T is that when she agreed that you should container this big feeling, she thought that you had already done so. By agreeing, she was empowering your recognition that you were doing the right thing. For her to "do" for you after that would have interfered in your process of containering and disempowered you. If you felt unable to container it, I think that you should have raised this with her and asked her to help you with it. Otherwise, I think it was reasonable for her to think that you had it under control and for her to try to impose a containering on you would be more about her need to "help" and do for you rather than your need to be able to do this yourself, including asking for help if you need it.

I think that this is similar to lots of issues in T. Part of our work as clients is articulating to our T's what we need from them. This means communicating that we are having difficulty with a certain thing and that we need specific assistance with it. The help our T's can offer after we say what we want acts as a bridge until we can do it for ourselves.

[seventyeight]

wow, you guys have given me a LOT to think about - thank you! i really appreciate all the feedback.

i fought the urge to call my therapist today, as i'm not sure how much it'll help. i'm just feeling very alone and overwhelmed in dealing with all of this. i kind of can't stop thinking about it. i went to a dinner party at my neighbor's last night, but i felt like i was some place else with my thoughts. now i'm leaving soon to go away for the weekend, and i don't want it to be like last night. it'd be nice to take a break from all this for a little bit, for sure.

anyway, thanks again everyone!