[hezaa82]

At my session with my therapist yesterday I ended up using half the time arguing in circles with her about something. Admittedly it's my fault for not letting things go and for wanting her to have the perfect solution for me. But at the same time I think maybe she should have stopped me and worked through what was going on between us there. The question at hand was if I should share my personal problems with my friends or not. She said no or not yet, and I was open to the idea but I wanted help with how it made me feel bad, like my feelings aren't worth talking about. The things she was saying weren't really doing anything for me. Is that my fault? I can be stubborn and sometimes argue just for the sake of arguing, but is it wrong to expect my therapist to try and diffuse these situations if they come up? I don't know if it's my fault or if other therapists would be able to help me better.

[mixedup_emotions]

Sounds like a very confusing exchange between you and your T!

I wonder if during your next session you can both reflect on this session and try to gain some insight and understanding about where each of you is coming from. I know that during certain heated sessions with my T, it's important to be able to go back to it at a less emotionally charged time to see what worked and what didn't work.

Were you "allowing" her to diffuse the situation, or were you arguing for the sake of arguing? We weren't there, so we really can't answer that for you. I suspect, as with most things like this, both of you bear some responsibility. Perhaps what you need to work on is how to back down and allow yourself to really "hear" a different perspective. Perhaps what your T needs to work on is getting you to see when you are getting into argumentative mode so you can learn the skills needed to truly "listen". Doesn't sound like talking to your friends or not is your biggest issue maybe, as you might just slip into argumentation mode with them too which would block communication with them also. Just a thought to consider.

The deeper question is ... Why do I attempt to sabotage my own recovery process? It's not my therapist's responsibility to "fix" or change me. That responsibility is mine and mine alone.

Nevertheless, a therapist can certainly provide me with a safe, supportive environment in which to explore why I do the things I do while providing me with helpful information and input along the way.

For better or worse, whatever I choose to do with any (or all) of that is totally up to me.

[autotelica]

My therapist doesn't do well with the "how to handle the feelings" thing. I will tell her about, say, how bad I feel after I do something embarrassing, and she will often say something cute like, "Why do you care what people think?" or "Chances are no one saw you, so don't dwell on it."

Those responses are never helpful. Often it feels like she dismisses my feelings just because she doesn't know what else to say.

But then I think about what I want her to say, and I'm at a loss. Do I just want her to say "Poor you" and pat my hand tenderly? I guess so, but that's not really helpful either. And that would get on my nerves after awhile.

So for me, I just try to shelve it. Maybe the issue will resolve itself as I mature, or maybe we can return to it at a later date, when she has
something better to say. I think this is the trade-off of having a therapist who is so pragmatic and into problem-solving. Feelings kind of take the backseat to actions. I generally like this approach, but sometimes I don't.

[stopdog]

Could you go interview a few other therapists and see if they seem better to you?

[Miswimmy1]

I argue with mine all the time. I think it's normal to doubt your therapist... We all do at one point. I wouldn't go look for another unless this is an issue that always is coming up... Then maybe you are not a good match. But if it's an occasional argument/disagreement, then I wouldn't.

If you think your t should have intervened, I would ask her about it. If her suggestions aren't working, that would be something to bring up. But I definitely wouldn't jump straight to termination

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by autotelica

My therapist doesn't do well with the "how to handle the feelings" thing. I will tell her about, say, how bad I feel after I do something embarrassing, and she will often say something cute like, "Why do you care what people think?" or "Chances are no one saw you, so don't dwell on it."

Those responses are never helpful. Often it feels like she dismisses my feelings just because she doesn't know what else to say.

But then I think about what I want her to say, and I'm at a loss. Do I just want her to say "Poor you" and pat my hand tenderly? I guess so, but that's not really helpful either. And that would get on my nerves after awhile.

So for me, I just try to shelve it. Maybe the issue will resolve itself as I mature, or maybe we can return to it at a later date, when she has
something better to say. I think this is the trade-off of having a therapist who is so pragmatic and into problem-solving. Feelings kind of take the backseat to actions. I generally like this approach, but sometimes I don't.

What if she said, it is okay to feel embarrassed, but from my perspective there is nothing you are saying that might warrant that feeling. ?

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by hezaa82

At my session with my therapist yesterday I ended up using half the time arguing in circles with her about something. Admittedly it's my fault for not letting things go and for wanting her to have the perfect solution for me. But at the same time I think maybe she should have stopped me and worked through what was going on between us there. The question at hand was if I should share my personal problems with my friends or not. She said no or not yet, and I was open to the idea but I wanted help with how it made me feel bad, like my feelings aren't worth talking about. The things she was saying weren't really doing anything for me. Is that my fault? I can be stubborn and sometimes argue just for the sake of arguing, but is it wrong to expect my therapist to try and diffuse these situations if they come up? I don't know if it's my fault or if other therapists would be able to help me better.

I would tell her exactly what you typed here. Tell her yur worries even if they are so or not.

Sometimes the confusion and going round in cycles is part of the working it out.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by Antimatter

I would tell her exactly what you typed here. Tell her yur worries even if they are so or not.

I agree with this advice, because I think that "expecting" a T or anyone else to react in a specific way is often fruitless. If you communicate what you expect, you might get it, or you'll get an explanation why not.

With a T, I think if you just wait around for her to do what you think will be helpful to you, then you are kind of setting up a scenario where you are expecting her to "fix" you. I think that therapy works best when the client is proactive and communicates as best as they can what is one her/his mind or what one is looking for help with or whatever version of this makes sense given the reason why you showed up for session in the first place.

[QuietCat]

Originally Posted by autotelica

My therapist doesn't do well with the "how to handle the feelings" thing. I will tell her about, say, how bad I feel after I do something embarrassing, and she will often say something cute like, "Why do you care what people think?" or "Chances are no one saw you, so don't dwell on it."

Those responses are never helpful. Often it feels like she dismisses my feelings just because she doesn't know what else to say.

But then I think about what I want her to say, and I'm at a loss. Do I just want her to say "Poor you" and pat my hand tenderly? I guess so, but that's not really helpful either. And that would get on my nerves after awhile.

So for me, I just try to shelve it. Maybe the issue will resolve itself as I mature, or maybe we can return to it at a later date, when she has
something better to say. I think this is the trade-off of having a therapist who is so pragmatic and into problem-solving. Feelings kind of take the backseat to actions. I generally like this approach, but sometimes I don't.

I wonder if our therapists went to school together or something. I go through this same thing with mine. He will at least tell me he understands how I could feel such a way and that it makes sense that I would have those feelings, but then he's right into "just the facts ma'am" mode.

Recently I argued with him that my feelings were the facts and we went in circles on that for a long time.

It took me awhile to accept that he wasn't interested in me venting for long periods of time and that he's all about accept it and move on to fix it.

[hezaa82]

wow thanks for all the responses. Yeah I guess the best thing to do is to talk to my T herself about it. I think the whole therapist/client relationship may be kind of triggering for me, making me feel like a child being scolded by Mom or something. I've heard of people becoming codependent on their therapist, is that possibly happening to me? It's hard to be told that I'm doing something wrong when I was trying my best in my own way. Well next time I'll spend more time talking and less time asking questions.

[hezaa82]

wow so many replies, thank you.

I think I am open to different perspectives but I'm just sensitive to the way it's presented to me. I get upset when my feelings aren't validated.

I guess I should spend more time talking about myself in therapy and less time asking questions...

[KazzaX]

I used to argue like this with my T every session. Her response to that was to discuss the whole interaction in EXCRUCIATING detail, every time. Excruciating, I tell you. Every last atom of the conversation was gone over, it was such a waste of sessions. And it seemed like she was trying to use semantics to get out of being in the wrong (the times I was angry at her, that is). I can't be bothered wasting sessions on that BS anymore so now I just kinda go "ok whatever" and drop it haha... and swear at her in my mind :P