[tigerlily84]

T says that my stepmom and mom are both emotionally abusive. (My dad knows how to pick em lol) I mean I understand the concept, but I have a hard time accepting that. And if that's the case, then how do you heal from that? You can't change other people. And seeing as I am living with my biological mom atm (money issues) I can't exactly get away. I'm confused.

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

if that's the case, then how do you heal from that? You can't change other people.

((((((((((( tigerlily )))))))))) no, but you might be able to come to a point within yourself where you hear their criticism / sniping / abuse and say (even to yourself, but maybe one day to them too) NO; that's not me; you are trying to put that on me (again) and I do not accept it.

and then you step out into the sunshine!!!! instead of cringing from their onslaught. I can only speak from my own viewpoint; not saying that I am there yet myself, yet I know that that kind of healing is possible.

[tigerlily84]

Thank you, SAWE.

I'm tired of being ignored and having everyone pretend like there isn't a problem. I didn't even realize how much it's been bothering me until it came up in t. I just figured that there was something wrong with ME. Previous attempts to stand up for myself have been met with more name calling, and ignoring me, etc. And other family members to pretend not to notice either. I just felt so validated when she said that what they are doing is not right. But I just kind of feel like saying... ok, so what now?

[adel34]

Hi Tigerlily,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. From someone who left an emotionally abusive alcoholic family I totally understand. The degree of denial that's present sometimes can just make you crazy!
I agree with what Saw said about standing up for yourself, even if it's just to yourself. Setting boundaries for their behavior and keep trying to tell yourself that what they're saying is not true. Keep talking in t and using her for support and hopefully a place where you can get some of the nurturing and respect you're not getting at home. Also, a support group like Adult Children of Alcoholics (not just for those in alcoholic families, but any dysfunctional family which really could be everyone!) might be helpful for you. I know when I was working on getting out of my parents house, having a sponsor, someone who had been where I am but is in a better place, was so helpful.
I really hope this helps.

[sunrise]

Learning to set boundaries is so important. You can work in therapy in learning how to set boundaries and then try it out with your mom. Also, you could work toward moving away from your mother--getting a better job, learning more job skills to let you break away, finding a friend to share an apartment with so the cost isn't so great, etc. That's easier said than done, and I don't know your situation, but maybe the prospect of being away from the abuse could help motivate. I had emotional abuse in my family and part of the problem was that after I was an adult, I continued to take it instead of standing firm for myself and not tolerating it. I continue to work on boundary issues (letting myself be a doormat, thinking that it is OK for others to treat me poorly, etc.). A book that I have found helpful is: Where to Draw the Line: How to Set Boundaries Every Day. Even if you are not ready to set boundaries, reading the book can help one learn what appropriate boundaries even are. This was knowledge I did not have. Good luck!

[Miswimmy1]

My t used those exact words with me as well. I had a hard time understanding. I think that if it's all u know, then its hard to see it as "abuse". No u can't change other people. But u can change how you react. I'm not sure, because I'm dealing with this myself. But I think being able to recognize abuse for what it is, is a great 1st step

[Sannah]

And it is helpful in giving you a different vantage point to view yourself. Like you said, you always thought it was you. Just think of how you have been molded and how this is probably causing you problems. It is a good starting point to work with your T. You can get a lot of mileage out of this and move forward quite a bit.

[tigerlily84]

Originally Posted by adel34

Hi Tigerlily,
I'm so sorry you're in this situation. From someone who left an emotionally abusive alcoholic family I totally understand. The degree of denial that's present sometimes can just make you crazy!
I agree with what Saw said about standing up for yourself, even if it's just to yourself. Setting boundaries for their behavior and keep trying to tell yourself that what they're saying is not true. Keep talking in t and using her for support and hopefully a place where you can get some of the nurturing and respect you're not getting at home. Also, a support group like Adult Children of Alcoholics (not just for those in alcoholic families, but any dysfunctional family which really could be everyone!) might be helpful for you. I know when I was working on getting out of my parents house, having a sponsor, someone who had been where I am but is in a better place, was so helpful.
I really hope this helps.

Thank you adel34.
I'm so sorry about your family. I think I'm in denial about the whole thing. Like as soon as T said that, I thought, is it really that bad... no, she's mistaken. She's exaggerating. And maybe that I misrepresented them. I am just very confused. I've just internalized everything and I still believe that I deserve it. My biological mom has her moments certainly, but my stepmom is definitely worse. Thank you, I will see if I can check out ACOA.

[tigerlily84]

@sunrise: Oh I definitely need a new job. I really don't like it, but I'm grateful to have it. My job is a big anxiety trigger for me, and I've had to reduce my hrs due to panic attacks and frequent bouts of depression. I'm working on it. And getting out of this house is my goal. I am very afraid of living by myself though, so I'll have to see about living with other people. Thank you for your kind words, and also for the book recommendation. I have no boundaries at all, none.

@Miswimmy: You're right, this is all I know so it just doesn't make any sense to me. I'm so sorry you're going through that. Right now it just feels like a big open wound that I had buried a long time ago.

@Sannah: Sunrise mentioned being a doormat. And that is me. Talking about it feels wrong though. Like I'm betraying them somehow. I still want to protect them. I know that they care about me. But they'll start off with their comments, and name calling and it just cuts at me. I am just so sensitive lately, it seems.

[Sannah]

Originally Posted by tigerlily84

they'll start off with their comments, and name calling and it just cuts at me. I am just so sensitive lately, it seems.

You should be sensitive to abuse. This is normal.

[lastyearisblank]

This happened to me. It does get better.

The more financially independent you are, the more choices you have about how to shut these people out.

Life gets a LOT better when you can choose to define your own worth and walk away from people who make you feel small or scared.

Don't date anyone yet until you have these issues settled... at least nobody who gives you that familiar doubt in the pit of your stomach...

Keep going to T and seek out people who validate your feelings. I'm so sorry you've going through this!!!!!!

[tigerlily84]

I agree with you about dating. I just feel disconnected from everyone, even in my friendships. Long story short, my dad cheated on my mom with the woman that is now my stepmom. So I grew up hearing "don't trust men," etc. I'm doing better in this area, but there's a lot of work to be done here.

My question is if there is a way to express these feelings without a huge fight breaking out? Even though they have hurt me, I still want to stand up for myself respectfully, if that makes any sense. I just want to be the bigger person I guess.

Thank you everyone for your replies! Reading your responses makes me feel less alone and truly validates my feelings.

[mixedup_emotions]

Unfortunately, you cannot control how others react....However, what is in your control is how you take in the response. I grew up in a physically and emotionally abusive environment which then bled through into my marriage and my job....I internalized everything that was dished out to me.

Now, I am in a somewhat healthier place - even though I cringe when I get explosive, nasty responses, I can separate it from my truth. I can get to a place where I know what is mine and what is theirs, which is incredibly helpful.

One thing that I learned is how you phrase something is important. Expressing how you feel with "I" statements is less threatening. Saying, "I feel (hurt, angry, etc.)" is much more effective than "you hurt me"....Even saying, "I feel like you..." is just another way of pointing the finger at them. Even if it's your truth, it isn't usually well received.

Regardless, many people take feedback in a way that causes them to feel defensive and lash out. What you do with it is what's important for you.