[spinningandspinning]

Im completely lost right now. Im so confused, and really upset, cause I thought Id be starting to feel a little better, but I messed up somehow. I dont know what I did. I thought I was doing well, but apparently not...

My therapist has been offering me this chance at some relief from all the crap in my head, and telling me that I should tell him when Im ready. That was cool originally, cause he wasnt forcing me to dive into some treatment plan that I wasnt ready for, but a few weeks ago, I told him I was ready. We did this breathing thing, and he said I did well. I kept my eyes closed for a long time, and I dont normally do that. I believed him when he said I did well...the next week, I did something that I thought was insane (seriously, I thought I was losing it), but he said it was actually great! I believed him on that one too. He said that the next session, we were gonna dive into this thing (I dont actually know what it involves) that will help me, and I was psyched to think that I might actually start to get some relief...But this last session, we just talked. The only mention of the thing that will help me was that he went back to saying "let me know when you're ready"...WTF?! I was going to remind him that I already said I was ready, but he obviously doesnt think I am, so I didnt want to argue it. I made up some bull about being ambivilant, and he seemed to agree with it, so I guess that's what he's thinking.

I guess he knows better than I do if Im ready or not. He knows what the treatment entails, and I dont. So maybe I did something wrong without knowing it was relevant? Or maybe when he said I was doing well, he was just being nice? I just dont understand how Im supposed to tell him when Im ready, if I dont know what it is Im supposed to be getting ready for. I tried to just take a leap of faith, because Im so tired of being the way I am, so I figured that if he has some way to help me, then I'll do whatever he says. I thought that's what being "ready" was - being ready to take that leap. If that's it, then as far as Im concerned, Ive been ready for a few weeks now. If he decided that im wrong, and Im not ready, then that's fine, but then shouldnt HE have to tell ME when I am ready, since apparently, he feels I cant gauge my readiness properly?

...All I know is that he's been dangling this chance at some relief infront of my face, and when I finally screwed up enough courage to try to grab it, he pulled it away and started dangling it again. I really dont understand what's going on. I dont know what I did wrong. I've gone over it a million times (and Im sure Ill go over it a million more), but I just cant figure it out. . .Unless maybe that IS the treatment? Maybe it's some kind of frustration tolerance thing? That would be wierd though - and kind of mean. He's never really struck me as a sadist. He's actually a really nice guy. I dont think this is based in anything mean-spirited.

I keep running through it and obsessing over it, and I cant take it anymore. Does anyone have any idea what might have happened?! Has anyone here been through something like this before? Is this just part of the process? Or does it sound like I did really mess up somehow? Sorry this was so long. I feel like my brain is melting from thinking about all this, and I guess i needed to get it out.

Why don't you just ask him about this rather than trying to read his mind about what he is doing? You have to communicate your questions, concerns, confusions to your therapist.

"I was going to remind him that I already said I was ready, but he obviously doesnt think I am, so I didnt want to argue it. I made up some bull about being ambivilant, and he seemed to agree with it, so I guess that's what he's thinking. " This just sounds like you are making things up instead of just being honest or just asking questions about what is going on in your own therapy. Stop guessing and assuming you know what he is thinking. Stop making things up to somehow please him. That is just going to get in your way. COMMUNICATE with the man. That is how you'll make progress.

[mixedup_emotions]

I agree, it's important to have an open and honest discussion about this. Only he knows what he's thinking - so I'd imagine it'd be a worthwhile conversation to have.

[2or3things]

Hi Spinning. Welcome to PC!

I'm sorry about your disappointment and pain. It must be especially difficult after feeling like things had been going so well. Hugs to you on that front.

I do think it's important to bring this up, because you'll never really know what T was thinking unless you ask him. One thing you'll see here a lot, I'd say, is that a number of us have no problem reading our T's mind. Unfortunately, we're rarely right in what we assume. So it's always best to ask. And I think it's a positive sign in your process when you trust your T enough to bring things like this up. So, give it a try if you can, I'd say.

There's something else about "bringing things up" that's pretty relevant to your situation, I think. There are quite a few Ts (mine included) that leave it up to the client to bring issues up. I'm wondering if your T wasn't just waiting for you to take the lead. Because really, that's the only way he could be sure you were ready for the big stuff you were headed into. I mean, I know you'd indicated so earlier, but maybe T was just looking for some confirmation that you felt ready on that day. And when you didn't say so, he figured that meant that you weren't.

A few weeks ago I wrote a fairly soul-baring letter to my T. (I have a lot of difficult saying difficult things, but if i write them out, I can usually talk about them once she's read what I've written.) When we were ready to start talking she mentioned that there was weeks worth of stuff to cover, meaning that we'd just get started that day and move on from there. We got to one or two of those things, then it was time to go.

The next time I saw her, I waited for her to bring the letter back up. (I reasoned that she acknowledged that there was tons to cover and that we'd need to return. I also know that she knows how difficult it is for me to bring things up on my own.) But she didn't bring it up. And she didn't bring it up our next meeting either.

By the third session after, I was hurt and irritated. For once I was able to bring it up, and we talked about my feeling hurt that she didn't return to the letter in subsequent sessions. (I'd already made up my mind about all the horrible things that this suggested about me.) But of course, she'd been waiting for me to bring it up all along. As with many Ts, in her world, that's completely my job. And as much as I hate it, it's completely reasonable.

Anyway, try talking to T about this, and see what the issue is. Also, it's completely OK to tell T that you think you're ready, but that you don't really know what to expect. T should be able to give you more specific information, or at least talk about the possibilities. It sounds like that might be helpful.

Good luck and hang in there! And if you feel like it, let us know how it's going when you get a chance.

ETA: PS: I could have just said "What Chris and MUE said." I have a tendency to write novels when I do write, though, so I was writing all this when they had the good sense to just get to the point. Sorry!

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by spinningandspinning

Im completely lost right now. Im so confused, and really upset, cause I thought Id be starting to feel a little better, but I messed up somehow. I dont know what I did. I thought I was doing well, but apparently not...

My therapist has been offering me this chance at some relief from all the crap in my head, and telling me that I should tell him when Im ready. That was cool originally, cause he wasnt forcing me to dive into some treatment plan that I wasnt ready for, but a few weeks ago, I told him I was ready. We did this breathing thing, and he said I did well. I kept my eyes closed for a long time, and I dont normally do that. I believed him when he said I did well...the next week, I did something that I thought was insane (seriously, I thought I was losing it), but he said it was actually great! I believed him on that one too. He said that the next session, we were gonna dive into this thing (I dont actually know what it involves) that will help me, and I was psyched to think that I might actually start to get some relief...But this last session, we just talked. The only mention of the thing that will help me was that he went back to saying "let me know when you're ready"...WTF?! I was going to remind him that I already said I was ready, but he obviously doesnt think I am, so I didnt want to argue it. I made up some bull about being ambivilant, and he seemed to agree with it, so I guess that's what he's thinking.

I guess he knows better than I do if Im ready or not. He knows what the treatment entails, and I dont. So maybe I did something wrong without knowing it was relevant? Or maybe when he said I was doing well, he was just being nice? I just dont understand how Im supposed to tell him when Im ready, if I dont know what it is Im supposed to be getting ready for. I tried to just take a leap of faith, because Im so tired of being the way I am, so I figured that if he has some way to help me, then I'll do whatever he says. I thought that's what being "ready" was - being ready to take that leap. If that's it, then as far as Im concerned, Ive been ready for a few weeks now. If he decided that im wrong, and Im not ready, then that's fine, but then shouldnt HE have to tell ME when I am ready, since apparently, he feels I cant gauge my readiness properly?

...All I know is that he's been dangling this chance at some relief infront of my face, and when I finally screwed up enough courage to try to grab it, he pulled it away and started dangling it again. I really dont understand what's going on. I dont know what I did wrong. I've gone over it a million times (and Im sure Ill go over it a million more), but I just cant figure it out. . .Unless maybe that IS the treatment? Maybe it's some kind of frustration tolerance thing? That would be wierd though - and kind of mean. He's never really struck me as a sadist. He's actually a really nice guy. I dont think this is based in anything mean-spirited.

I keep running through it and obsessing over it, and I cant take it anymore. Does anyone have any idea what might have happened?! Has anyone here been through something like this before? Is this just part of the process? Or does it sound like I did really mess up somehow? Sorry this was so long. I feel like my brain is melting from thinking about all this, and I guess i needed to get it out.

Tell your therapist everything you did here. Let us know how it goes.

[mixedup_emotions]

Originally Posted by 2or3things

Hi Spinning. Welcome to PC!

I'm sorry about your disappointment and pain. It must be especially difficult after feeling like things had been going so well. Hugs to you on that front.

I do think it's important to bring this up, because you'll never really know what T was thinking unless you ask him. One thing you'll see here a lot, I'd say, is that a number of us have no problem reading our T's mind. Unfortunately, we're rarely right in what we assume. So it's always best to ask. And I think it's a positive sign in your process when you trust your T enough to bring things like this up. So, give it a try if you can, I'd say.

There's something else about "bringing things up" that's pretty relevant to your situation, I think. There are quite a few Ts (mine included) that leave it up to the client to bring issues up. I'm wondering if your T wasn't just waiting for you to take the lead. Because really, that's the only way he could be sure you were ready for the big stuff you were headed into. I mean, I know you'd indicated so earlier, but maybe T was just looking for some confirmation that you felt ready on that day. And when you didn't say so, he figured that meant that you weren't.

A few weeks ago I wrote a fairly soul-baring letter to my T. (I have a lot of difficult saying difficult things, but if i write them out, I can usually talk about them once she's read what I've written.) When we were ready to start talking she mentioned that there was weeks worth of stuff to cover, meaning that we'd just get started that day and move on from there. We got to one or two of those things, then it was time to go.

The next time I saw her, I waited for her to bring the letter back up. (I reasoned that she acknowledged that there was tons to cover and that we'd need to return. I also know that she knows how difficult it is for me to bring things up on my own.) But she didn't bring it up. And she didn't bring it up our next meeting either.

By the third session after, I was hurt and irritated. For once I was able to bring it up, and we talked about my feeling hurt that she didn't return to the letter in subsequent sessions. (I'd already made up my mind about all the horrible things that this suggested about me.) But of course, she'd been waiting for me to bring it up all along. As with many Ts, in her world, that's completely my job. And as much as I hate it, it's completely reasonable.

Anyway, try talking to T about this, and see what the issue is. Also, it's completely OK to tell T that you think you're ready, but that you don't really know what to expect. T should be able to give you more specific information, or at least talk about the possibilities. It sounds like that might be helpful.

Good luck and hang in there! And if you feel like it, let us know how it's going when you get a chance.

ETA: PS: I could have just said "What Chris and MUE said." I have a tendency to write novels when I do write, though, so I was writing all this when they had the good sense to just get to the point. Sorry!

I love what you wrote as it helped bring some relatedness.

I recall a number of times when my T would remind me that it's up to me to bring certain things up, as he cannot always be aware of where I am in my process - and doesn't want to push hard if I'm not ready for it. It's difficult to take that plunge, though.

[adel34]

Hi Spinning,
Welcome to PC!
I don't think you did anything wrong at all! I think first of all that you should know what it is that he's offering you, that you two should talk about the treatment before you do it, so that you can know what you'll be getting into. You know best when you're ready for something, but you have to know what it is first so you can decide that! I hope next session goes better.

[spinningandspinning]

Thanks for the responses.

The problem is that I cant even say that he's wrong. If he thinks Im not ready, then maybe Im not. I dont know what it is Im supposed to be ready for, so I dont know what exactly I need to be ready. I thought I had a handle on it, but i guess not. I've asked him what we're talking about, but he wont tell me exactly what is involved with whatever it is Im supposed to be ready for. He says thats the point - to be comfortable going into it without knowing what it is ahead of time. That's why I thought the whole 'leap of faith' thing was where I needed to be, but apparently not, so now I just have no idea what he's looking for from me. I just want to do whatever it is Im supposed to do so I can feel better already, but I cant because apparently Im not ready, but I cant get ready either because I dont know how Im supposed to get more ready than I already thought I was. How do you get more "ready" than being willing to do whatever someone says if there's the possibility of it helping?! I cant even imagine how to be more ready than that...It's just rediculously frustrating. It has to be that I said or did something wrong. Nothing else has changed.

and Farmergirl - yea, obviously i was making the ambivalence thing up - but it wasnt to please him. It was to try to gauge why he didnt think I was ready all of a sudden. I figured id say it, and see if he agreed with it. And it appears as though I nailed it, cause he did agree. I didnt want to just ask, because i didnt feel like debating my readiness, when it had already taken so much for me to tell him I was ready the first time.

[Nightlight]

My therapy was probably a bit like that in some ways in the early days. I was so shy and struggled to talk so much. My therapist might say something and then that would be the end of it. I was unable to bring it up myself.

From years of knowing her now, she likes you to ask. She likes you to be clear about your feelings. In the situation you're in, she would have wanted me to say that I felt ready and ask her also if she thought I was ready, or did she think I should wait longer.

It can be really hard to ask for what you want in therapy sometimes. Your therapist brought it up though, it sounds like it's going to happen. All you need to say is "I feel ready". Your therapist isn't playing games with you or taking a great chance of healing away from you. I think he just needs you to tell him it's something that you want to do and that you're ready now.

[sunrise]

Spinning, your description of events sounds like you are having trouble communicating with your T rather than he thinks you are or are not ready. This sentence really stood out to me as an example of miscommunication--leaping to assumptions, reading your T's mind, not stating directly what you wish to know, etc.: "I was going to remind him that I already said I was ready, but he obviously doesnt think I am, so I didnt want to argue it. I made up some bull about being ambivilant, and he seemed to agree with it, so I guess that's what he's thinking." I wonder why you didn't remind him that you had already said you were ready? I don't think he obviously didn't think you were ready and I wonder why you leaped to that conclusion? Then I wonder why you told him sort of made up bull about being ambivalent instead of just asking him a direct question? Why play these games? Why not facilitate your progress in therapy by using direct communication? This will help you get the relief you want and that T is offering. My T once told me that the rate of progress a client makes in therapy is often tied to their communication skills and ability to communicate in a direct fashion. He often spends time at the beginning of therapy teaching clients to communicate directly if they don't have this skill.

Can you share with your T the post you made? Then your T will see at a glance the communication difficulty you are having and maybe can help you with that before doing the deep work. It will be worth it!

[spinningandspinning]

Im not really assuming anything. At the time, yes, I assumed that he was trying to tell me that I wasnt ready after all, but soon after the point when I told him i was ambivalant, he mentioned when i had come in and said that i was ready...so reminding him would have been useless. He did remember, he just disagreed. Maybe I shouldnt have assumed anything to begin with, but my assumption turned out to be right...
Thank you, everyone, for your input.