[granite1]

my T says i should be able to notice when i am checking out orhiding in my head filled with thoughts. not wanting to deal and all.so here i am feeling foggy wanting to hide and i can notice this.i am confused and wanting to SI to make myself more calm and focused .now what does she want me to do with this awairness that is healthy .i cant seem to write much at all in my journal in fact havnt been able to do this for weeks usually i write for a few hours a day .but now ? nope. so i sit with this i dont act on the urges and yes i can say it will eventually pass,and it will or grow huger and i can no longer deal and hubby takes ovewr and demands a visit to clinic. but what else is ther but to feel this horrible. why do i want to ? i don't and why cant my T fix it ,i sure as heck cant seem to .i am overwelmed feeling this is it miserable .it sux. ill get off my soap box now and go back into hiding

[sconnie892]

Granite
I don't have many words of wisdom for you, other than I've been there too.

[rainbow8]

What about drawing when you feel like that? Or something physical that's healthy like running? When I'm in my head the thoughts go round and round until I DO something even though I don't feel like it. This might seem like a too simplistic answer but I think it works. It stops your thought processes and puts your mind elsewhere.

[healed84]

Now that you know that you are in your head, and hiding, can you find what is triggering? Maybe thinking through and identifying the triggers will help? Write them down, and bring them to T. Also, since you have the urge to SI and you aren't doing it now, find a way to stop this urge this time, and if it works, do it next time.. So on and so forth.. So, it won't get so bad.

[~EnlightenMe~]

Originally Posted by granite1

my T says i should be able to notice when i am checking out orhiding in my head filled with thoughts. not wanting to deal and all.so here i am feeling foggy wanting to hide and i can notice this.i am confused and wanting to SI to make myself more calm and focused .now what does she want me to do with this awairness that is healthy .i cant seem to write much at all in my journal in fact havnt been able to do this for weeks usually i write for a few hours a day .but now ? nope. so i sit with this i dont act on the urges and yes i can say it will eventually pass,and it will or grow huger and i can no longer deal and hubby takes ovewr and demands a visit to clinic. but what else is ther but to feel this horrible. why do i want to ? i don't and why cant my T fix it ,i sure as heck cant seem to .i am overwelmed feeling this is it miserable .it sux. ill get off my soap box now and go back into hiding

(((Granite)))
Please, please STAY on your soapbox

It looks like you have the first part of mindfulness down, and although it doesn't fell like progress, it is When you fail to act on your urges, you say it will eventually pass, and the power you will feel from that will help maintain this behavior, it is just getting to that point first! It is miserable, and it does suck, I am in complete agreement with that. Staying on your soapbox instead of hiding is a good idea This is a difficult process, it took awhile for you to get to this point, please be patient with yourself, so really deserve that. You deserve that have this go away without such a struggle, and if I could make that happen, I would. You deserve to have people who care, and I do and I know alot of other people are with me on that. We are NOT giving up on you, so don't give up on yourself

Granite, my T always tells me to take notice of my thoughts and feelings... what was I thinking about at the time? how was I feeling about it?

But for me the only thing that works to get past those thoughts and feelings once they are identified, was for me to try to say to myself the things I would say to someone on PC. For instance, sometimes in my head, I have strong thought of unworthiness, then if I wish I could talk to my T or someone, then I berate myself for being too needy and then it just spirals downward.. so I try to notice what started my thoughts to go down the "unworthiness" path... I try to tell myself that those things were done "to me" and are not part of me... I try to tell myself that I have worth just because I am me... I tell myself to have patience with myself and that it is okay to need other people... all the things I would say and truely mean to a stranger..

sometimes its easier to believe those things than others...

[Sannah]

Yeah, awareness can be painful, this is why we become unaware in the first place. Awareness is important in order to heal, though. I'm sorry that it is so hard.

[WikidPissah]

Hey girl....how'd I miss this thread??? oopsie.

I think sitting with your feelings is good, but the part that is important for me is sitting with them and NOT judging them.

I can't write....that's ok, it's where I am right now, nothing to be ashamed of. This will pass.

Kind of like that. Easier said than done for sure. It's not wrong to feel anger, or rage or jealousy, or lonely. It's what you do when you feel it that matters. Pretending you don't feel that way is unhealthy, but going overboard expressing it is equally unhealthy.

I am doped up...so I hope this makes sense chickie. I my granite.

[KazzaX]

Do you like computer games? When I feel like crap or overwhelmed I play games - shoot some zombies its a great distraction and you can do it for hours. Although it isnt good to do it for hours but hell, works for me!

[Wren_]

(((granite))) this is often where I end up as well with the wondering - why can't T fix it! and he never does ... I know there is supposed to be a lot of value in the sitting with feelings and that we are meant to learn from it; but I'm still not sure what exactly it is

I have no words of wisdom either Granite. I just want you to know I feel you and I know how much this hurts. I have always seen or felt something coming on and checked via overindulging. This past week I have not checked out and it has sucked! I want to run to my old ways, the familiar ones that work and alleviate the pain. To hide from my feelings and self. Thanks to damn therapy, I know its not the way to heal and therefore I have guilt now when I do. Can't unring that bell! I wonder if this is the hardest part? If we can make it through this surely it doesn't get harder, I can't even imagine anything worse. It feels like I'm chipping away at a concrete wall with a finger nail file....long, so so long....

[sittingatwatersedge]

Originally Posted by granite1

why cant my T fix it ,i sure as heck cant seem to .

well now... you are fixing it, Granite. I wish you could see the difference we see between where you were, even a year ago, and where you are now; it is really a great distance.

T1 used to remind me that it took me 55 yrs to get tied into the knots I brought into her office; and that I couldn't expect to untie them all right away. You have shown yourself brave and determined; this is going to take you far. You are healing - and growing !

[Sunne]

Hmm.. It's hard, I know.

T says eventually I will get to the place where thoughts, impulses, and emotion will be something I can step back from, get distance, and observe without attachment. This will be enlightenment. Mindfulness meditation helps. The Power of Now book or audiobook is great for learning how to accept your thoughts and notice and observe them without surrender to them.

You are not your thoughts. You are not your mind. You are so much more than that.

[WikidPissah]

good luck with T today Chickie!!!

[sittingatwatersedge]

hi Granite, thinking of you and hoping everything went well today.

[rainbow8]

Me, too granite. Thinking of you, that is! I hope you had a good session today.