My team is abusive

They're abusive little pricks. I've outright refused to speak to them, but they'll lure me in by telling me things like "they've finally got the insurance participating in wanting to cover a DID therapist". I get all excited. I go in there. It's them badgering me about how I DON'T need to see a specialist.

I have suicidal parts, I have begged them to ask my insurance to cover a DID specialist because every single time I see a typical trauma therapist I become suicidal and nearly end up killing myself. I need somebody who is willing to work with my parts. The team leader is arguing with me again. They know that I can't handle arguing. I have a part that comes out and hurts me when I feel threatened. They know this. it's happened three times so far in front of them, because of how many times they have verbally harassed me. One time almost dodging into traffic. Yet they let me run away from that office and run outside alone and drag a broken beer bottle into my forearm. And no I did not have control. It was a part. That's dirty and disgusting. And they know what that part is capable of. That was irresponsible on their part. That part doesn't know any other way to stop the arguing then to hurt me. It's an automatic response. They know this.

I asked to get rid of this team a long time ago, but I can't leave them until I get an outpatient therapist. I have a new caseworker, but they picked the caseworker and she's sick herself and sits on her hands and stares at the floor the whole time and says nothing.

I feel so suicidal over this. I shouldn't feel suicidal over a team that's supposed to help me. This is ridiculous. I have never felt this bad in my life. I can't get off my couch. I don't pull the blinds. I can't eat. I am sick to my stomach constantly.

But that team leader probably gets off on making me a victim again. She's a controlling, abusive, manipulative asshole. All her employees are victims too.

Hi Lydia,
I'm so sorry to hear this is happening again! I thought you had left that horrible team a few months ago, and were set up with someone new. Guess something fell through somewhere along the way.
I don't really know what to say. Just thinking of you and I hope things get better soon.

I also thought you had left that team a few months ago. When did you start back with them and why?

O I didn't start back with them. I haven't seen them for months. But technically I still opened with them until I get a outpatient therapist. They want to give me a trauma therapist, and trauma therapists won't work with me, because I have DID and I have a more extreme form of it that involved safety issues.

I refused to see them. It's been since September, maybe early October. They still handle my medications, but I won't even go pick them up, I begged my mom to please do it for me. My mom knows how much they effect me, so she gladly does it.

We have been fighting over what type of therapist I need for 8 months. I have gone 8 months without a therapist, because they won't listen to what I need. I have been to three trauma therapists, one of which experimented on me because she wanted a DID case, and then dropped me like a hotcake when she got in too deep, didn't even tell me to my face. Told my team to give me the message. Another therapist of which heard my case and said she couldn't ethically treat me. Another tried EMDR and that's how I ended up in the hospital. EMDR is not a top of the line treatment for people with DID.

They kept arguing with me and telling me what I needed. A trauma therapist. During the arguments I switch and end up hurting myself on more then three occasions. Attacking myself with paper clips/staples/glass bottles or running in front of traffic. I've been sent to the ER, twice because of this part. This part doesn't know how else to react. This part has tried to strangle me during arguments with other people. Always with authority.

So in order to protect myself I stopped going to the office. I didn't care what they told me. They started calling and asking me to come in and "discuss this" or "do that" and I refused. I am not going to be treated like crap. Finally they said "We've got the insurance to agree for a DID therapist". I got excited. After months I thought I had convinced them.

My new caseworker was there and my caseworker from my health insurance was there and then my mom and the nurse and my team leader. First thing that comes out of her mouth is "We just want to let you know we've tried to contact Lydia, but she's ignored us". The first words out of her mouth are something bad about me. It's always something bad about me. To make it look like it's always my fault. Everything is my fault. I started yelling at her "YOU THINK I WANT TO COME IN HERE WHEN YOU TREAT ME LIKE ****!?" She says "WHAT!? Lydia! that's not true!" We start arguing back and fourth again. She's telling me I don't need a DID specialist. "Try a trauma therapist" AGAIN?? I get up and run out and hurt myself.

My mom said she felt like a gold fish in a tank full of sharks. She said "You left me with them. The sharks. I was a goldfish in a tank full of sharks, a colorful little goldfish". And then I accidentally said "I was a bloody little goldfish and I had to flop". I meant to say that because they had already eaten me alive. I hope that she didn't understand that I had hurt myself. But they knew I hurt myself. My mom doesn't know about that part, but perhaps it was a Freudian slip.

Thanks for sharing all this Lydia! I didn't realize this was the situation you were dealing with. It sounds so awful!
I don't know much about DID at all, but common sense would say that of course you would need a DID specialist, you have Did! I was trying to look for a therapist for someone else with DID on here, and a therapist I contacted said,"You'll find a lot of therapists who can treat DID, because it's an extreme form of PTSD and a lot of therapists treat that." Again, I don't know much about this, but even I didn't believe her!
I don't know what to tell you. It's so sad to me that these so called "professionals" are doing so much harm, and would rather blame you than take responsibility for their actions. I really hope things get better soon. Is there any way you can try and research a DID specialist without these useless hurtful people? Clearly you need a compitent therapist skilled in this area, who can help you work with the part that's so destructive but knows no other way. Also, are you connected with any others on here that have DID? I know there are some. They might have more insights than I would, because I'm coming from a place of empathy, yet have never experienced the disorder and they have.
I hope this helps. I wish I could say more. Keep us posted. And try to keep yourself as safe as possible.

Lydia, I saw a psychiatrist once at my university clinic because I dropped by and needed to talk to someone and he was the only one available. I started telling him all my complaints about everyone and he told me one of the most valuable things that have ever been told to me. It hurt at the time, but it was a turning point for me and I needed to hear it. He told me that everyone else can't be the problem, that is impossible. He told me that I was the problem. I left his office thinking he was the worst but it sunk in later and he was right. This was a turning point for me and I began to look at myself and what was going on with ME.

I sense that you are "fighting for your life" with these people?

I hope you take my comments in the spirit that I offered them.

Sannah that's a very gutsy thing to say when you don't know the whole story. Only reading its and bits over an internet forum of what I write when I am upset. For all you know that team leader really is abusive. My mom says she is. And she's a therapist herself. I've never had issues with ANY other team I've worked with. I've always left on good terms.

But it's my fault.

Have you ever been abused Sannah? Well I'm sorry, but you were the problem. How's it feel?

What you don't believe me because I'm a client and they're a provider? That's such a load of crap. Of course I'm the one with the issues. I have to be.

I don't think Sannah was trying to say that it was your fault you are being abused by your team. No one deserves or invites abuse. And you are right that we only know slivers of your story. We can only know what you tell us, so we might miss the mark.

What I took from Sannah's words is something I think my therapist has tried to tell me. I very often cannot control others' actions, only my response to them. It is way easier said than done.

How can you get away from this team quickest? I genuinely don't understand. Are you mandated to be with them? Why not get a list of in network therapists from your insurance company and pick one. Any one. It would seem anything to get you away from the team would be best?

I think Sannah was trying to say that a lot of the way we feel is based on the way we interpret other people's actions.

For example - Sannah did not say that she did not believe you because you were the client. She gave an example of something she needed to learn in her journey - I had to learn this as well. If we feel EVERYONE is against us, we're the common denominator in that equation. It's always a good idea to review our interpretations to see if we're causing part of our own anguish.

You are correct, no one here knows your entire situation but you. I am having trouble following it. Why don't you just quit and find a new provider?

Hello LydiaB and parts, why does that part run and then hurt you? Why does that part self harm when challenged by someone else. Is that part trying to stop the rest of you talking?

Trauma is the reason you are DID. Trauma so awful that you split. You do need to do TRAUMA work to start to heal. A trauma therapist will help.

I don't think anyone's questioning whether your team leader is abusive. What I think everyone here is asking is, why do you continue to see an abusive team leader?

I imagine there must be a reason you have to. But I honestly don't understand the situation either: why you can't find your own therapist, why your team must manage your meds, why you can't change teams since you say you've never had a problem with another team, etc. Since your mother is involved and agrees with your assessment of your team, I assume you have been required by law to see this specific team with this specific leader, else you would switch teams within the same institution. Why must you see this person specifically? And why must your team choose your therapist, rather than you choosing a therapist for approval by your team? Does it make sense to involve a lawyer?

From an outsider's perspective and with only the information you have given, it looks like you have a variety of other options that you are not pursuing, and so it looks as if you are continuing to see someone who abuses you despite having other choices. If you explained why you have no choice but to associate with this specific person, that would help a great deal.

Can a MOD please close this thread?

I am sorry you're feeling like this. If you want to just vent things out, the Dear T thread is usually pretty good. That's where I go what I'm hating my T and therapy.

I hope things get better.

Just click the report button and a mod will do that for you.