[ShaggyChic_1201]

So i don't post a lot here, but I did post last month about my T sticking up for me to my sometimes-scary husband and how good it made me feel. The problem was that he got super angry at me and at her and made my life miserable.

Since then he has started drinking again and smoking weed again. He has gotten violent again (he beat our nursing dog with a belt because she barked) & I'm back to walking on eggshells.

Last year in December I was hospitalized for depression for 7 weeks. I swore to myself that I wouldn't be in the same position in December 2012. I'm not - I'm much stronger, but he is. As much as I've begged, cajoled, demanded and threatened, he is not willing to get help for his addictions or borderline personality issues.

Since Thanksgiving, I've been depressed and acting out in my eating disorder behaviors and honestly didn't know why. Today I finally got to see T after 3 weeks and after hearing about my last three weeks, she said, "it's time for you to see a divorce attorney." She said she wanted to say this to me 6 months ago ... said that since the last time he had come in she has been afraid to go to her car alone for fear he'd be there and that if she was that worried, how upset must I be. She also said that she thought I was waiting for permission. I didn't realize it, but I was. I wanted to know I had done everything to save the marriage. She confirmed that I had and also said that if I gave anymore of myself, I'd be dead.

I felt so heard, understood and loved that all my burdens feel as tho they've been lifted for now.

I know I have a long road ahead of me and things could get much worse before they get better, so I'd appreciate support from my PC community.
Thanks,
Bub Smiley

[Ike McCaslin]

Take care of YOU, Bubsmiley. We are here if you need us.

Be careful! We are here for you, but you need a good attorney and to take steps to make sure you are physically safe. Violence often escalates dramatically when the abuser realizes you are finally serious about getting away from him.

[mixedup_emotions]

(( HUGS ))

I am so glad that you have the support of your T and feel validated. I went through a similar experience, and it was incredibly difficult to go through the process of feeling in danger due to taking steps to free myself. My ex husband was also mentally ill, and my T feared for my safety. He said that in all the years he's been a T (over 20), he never had a client be killed by their spouse, and he said that I am the first that he's imagined it to be a real possibility. Scary stuff.

I can honestly say that it was the best thing I ever did, leaving the marriage. My challenges are still difficult, but different in that I don't have to live in fear and walk on eggshells to that extent anymore.

Please try to work on building a support network - your T and PC are great resources. If you have family and friends to rely on, let them know of your intentions. You will need all the support you can get.

[Miswimmy1]

That's wonderful that your t said that...

As others have said... Be careful. I don't know anything about couples, because I'm only 15, but I do know that mentally ill folks can be dangerous and it's not something u want to play with...

[sunrise]

I'm glad you have your T for support. I went through a divorce a couple of years ago and the support and help of my therapist were invaluable. I don't think I could have done it without him.

I second what MUE wrote--work on building a support network. See the lawyer to get info and don't let your spouse know for now. Have a plan and get done what you can before breaking the news. Build a network, become familiar with your finances, copy any important documents, etc. Above all, stay safe. If you can't get all this done before telling your spouse due to safety, then just bail on it and put safety first. Good luck.

[feralkittymom]

Absolutely stay safe!

You might want to consult with your local battered womans shelter also for advice prior to filing or saying anything of your plans to your husband. The professionals there are specialists in how to best keep yourself safe during the process--even if you stay in your home--and they often know the local attorneys with the most experience in these situations. They can also facilitate police cooperation, should that be necessary.

Please don't underestimate your safety needs.

[Anne2.0]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

if I gave anymore of myself, I'd be dead.

To me this seems a greater risk to you than your husband escalating his violence if you choose to leave, but I'd echo the excellent advice that MKAC gave you.

Going to see a divorce lawyer doesn't mean that you have to take the step to file papers and seek a divorce, but the information s/he can provide to you will be important in understanding how the law can protect you (and your dog) if you choose to go that route.

I think that there is often a point in every relationship that is not good for us where we decide that we have had enough. It sounds like your husband beating your dog (a defenseless animal), which was obviously intended as a message to you ("next time, it might be you"), has gotten you to that place where you've just had enough.

Having enough also means being honest with yourself that he is not going to change. Instead, he is trying to change YOU and he will continue to make you and your therapy the problem (or the dog, or some other target, in the future). You can hang onto the truth, and move forward from there.

Trigger for discussion of domestic violence and death:



Everyone on here is giving really good advice. And Anne has a point that staying IS dangerous, both physically and emotionally. BUT, having seen this situation both in my extended family and in my profession, this IS the most dangerous time for you. I was hesitant to give really detailed info on here for fear of making you too fearful to actually leave when you need to, or coming off as a doomsayer, but I'm going ahead because I think this information is really important and might save your life or someone elses.

A local battered women's shelter or whatever version of an group like an Alliance against Violence that you have locally is a great resource. The shelter or Alliance can give you a list to prepare to leave: it will include things like having some cash stashed in your car, hidden, along with your license and credit cards in case you have to get away quickly. Get a disposable cell phone, and don't use your land line if you have one. In our state, we have a Petition you can file pro se to get a restraining order. However, a restraining order is just a piece of paper and paper doesn't stop bullets or fists.

I had a cousin killed by her abusive husband after she filed for divorce. He hid in her house while she was gone and killed her when she came home. Another of my cousins killed his wife when she left him. In both cases, the woman had the man removed from the house during the divorce, so he knew exactly where to find her.

Let him have the house and go somewhere he cannot find you. Be careful even when you go to the courthouse and have someone with you. My husband does domestic law and has had a client's husband pull a gun on him when he got between the husband and the client.

You know you have to do this to protect yourself and your dog. But you also need to know how important it is to be safe and not underestimate what an abuser will do to stay in control. He will fluctuate between super sweet and cajoling, and threats and violence. Just because he's nice at one point and appears to be going along doesn't mean that behavior will last and it's safe for you to drop your guard.

[mixedup_emotions]

MKAC, the one thing I did was keep the family home....and it's true that it helped me feel less safe. My ex "broke" into the house quite a few times, and it got to a point where my T wondered if he dug a hole in the ground to get into my house, because I took so many measures to keep him out.

Another thing...I'm not sure if it's just how brainwashed I was, but I never felt like I was in grave danger. That's what scared my T more than anything - so it was important that I took measures to protect myself even if I thought that the idea of anything horrible happening was far fetched.

Better to be safe than dead.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Wow - I never expected so much good advice and support. I've made the appointment for Monday when I'm supposed to be at work and will post in the evening when I learn what the lawyer advises.

I promise above all, I'll be safe!
Bub

Again, do everything to keep yourself safe. my boss had to walk me to my car for an entire year. he kept showing up at work.

and he didn't start stalking me until i started divorce proceedings. he is prison now and due to be released next year. that is what i am dreading...

you will learn little tricks along the way, but in the end it is sooo worth it.

[oceancries]

Take care! And be careful!

[critterlady]

Please, please call the national domestic violence hotline - 1-800-799-SAFE (7233). They can help you stay safe while you create a plan for your long-term safety. You can find more information about it at http://www.thehotline.org/ They are there to help and they're experts.

I wish you strength as you go through this.

[Fartraveler]

I was in your situation. I left. Best thing I ever did. But very hard. I agree with all the advice folks have given, and also recommend this book "Learning to Leave" by Lynette Triere. This is an excellent resource about the practical aspects of getting divorced. Good luck. Be careful.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

As it turns out, the lawyer used to be a domestic violence prosecutor for 5 years. She didn't give me advice anywhere near as good as you all did! She did indicate that it will cost me a LOT of money because my H hasn't been working for the past 9 years and I've been supporting him. It's not that he can't hold a job, he just chose not to (which I allowed, so I have culpability). In my state it means I owe him 50% of everything I have. Sigh.

I'm scared to say anything but know I have to soon. I'm just waiting for my T to come back from vacation so I have a place to talk, fret and be panicky.

Thanks so much for your support. I'm sorry so many people have already walked this path.

[critterlady]

Bub, I'm sorry it's going to take such a large financial toll.

I urge you to call the hotline and let them help you plan things. There are ways to do it that will keep you (and any children or pets) safe. There are also ways that put you at very high risk. The DV hotline can steer you toward the former and away from the latter.