Has your T ever made you feel scolded?

Hi everyone,

I do like my T and she is very helpful.

In a recent session, I was lying on the coach talking about my fears about being internally examined which regressed me, thinking back to my childhood. Usually I speak with my hands covering my eyes and face when talking lying down. However instead of letting me cover my eyes, she sort of snapped 'don't cover your face' in a way that made me feel quite scolded.

Perhaps I'm just overreacting!

I've been scolded many times in the past eg. when crying being told to snap out of it; when suicidal to stop that nonsense. It has hurt at times but I learnt that it was part of who he is, part of caring and part of trying to help. If you think it would help you should try sharing how you felt with your T. As far as over reacting, if you believe that you are over reacting, there could be a reason for it connected with past things that might benefit from exploring them now in therapy. You mention your T is very helpful so she may have been meaning to be helpful and it came out wrong; worth checking

Hm, not really but I think thats mainly because I manage to do all the scolding necessary and some more.
However, I dont get how her remark could be of any help for you in that situation

I would not continue to see a therapist who I thought scolded me. Nor would being snapped at or given an order cause me to obey.

I wouldn't like that tone at all. In order to get the treatment that you want you need to set boundaries and tell people that you don't like certain treatment.

There's a difference between FEELING scolded and being scolded. No question you felt scolded. If you bring it up with your T next time, her response to you should make it clear whether she intended to be scolding.

The problem is that you're lying down without access to her facial expressions and body language, right? And that you were discussing something that was evocative of childhood, which might naturally lead you to take any directive comment as "scolding."

T's do rely on lot on being able to HEAR what you say and not have to ask, "what's that again?" And they do rely on reading your face to assist them in understanding what's going on with you as you talk. So I could understand that your T might have wanted you to put your hands down because she was having trouble hearing and/or felt like she needed to see your face. I find it unlikely that she meant to "scold" you. It is so easy to misinterpret one meaning of words for another, especially when emotions are in the mix.

The ideal is that you be able to say in the moment, "Hey! I'm feeling scolded here!" Until then, raising it with your T is a great way to learn more about how you understood what happened.

Regardless the reasons, a simple, "could you please not cover your eyes at this point" would suffice. It is your decision, your body, your space. Covering or not covering your eyes is YOUR prerogative.

That would scare me off. I do not like being commanded or controlled. If you have a good working relationship, then perhaps discuss this at your next meeting.

I once was speaking with a T and I started to drift a bit. He slapped his hands together hard and loudly said "wiki". I jumped a mile. It was not necessary, and scared the daylights out of me. I could never relax with him after that.

Oh yes, I have felt scolded. But I believe Anne is correct in that it much of the time is our perception rather than the reality of the intention of the other person.

My T definitely can be pretty firm about what I am or am not doing from time to time. I could choose to take that as being "scolded" I suppose, but that isn't really what he is doing. So, instead I choose to take it as strong suggestion, and I have the choice to take his suggestions or not--sometimes I do; sometimes I don't. Sometimes I just as firmly tell him what to do with his suggestions.

That's just our dynamic and it works for us. I'm very thick-skinned and extremely stubborn, so I don't tend to get my feeling bruised terribly easy. He knows that and works with me accordingly. I think T's have to have a good "feel" for what a client can handle.

See, this really bugs me. So many of us (mostly me...lol) are in therapy because our control was taken from us at an early age. People used and abused us. It is so important that in the therapy room we be in charge of ourselves and not be "told" or "commanded" to do things. Asked politely, fine. Suggested, okay I'll take that too. If it's perceived as being scolded, it's just wrong. I think T's should be taking every precaution to make sure that they are not telling the client what to do. Are they not the experts? They should know that we can receive things off. Why do they get a pass and we have to figure out if we heard or didn't hear them right?

I am not talking about mind reading, that's a whole other issue. I am talking about when a T says "stop doing that" or "don't drift" or "don't visit that person" or "never call your mother" etc.

we posted at the same time. This ^ is what I mean.

Yeah, the only times I knew he was definitely "telling" me what to do where when things were more on an emergency mode. For instance, he's seen me go into some pretty severe dissociation, and he becomes very directive with me in order to help me "out" of that state. That kind of direction was needed because of how "far away" I was. I've started hyperventilating before, and he definitely gets very directive when that happens to get me to do what must be done in that moment to regulate my breathing. That's not scolding though; that's just dealing with the immediacy of the situation. Same thing with times when I've been in danger due to suicidality. He can get pretty darn directive at those times about what I need to do; it's a matter of safety at those times. Again, not scolding, but being very firm about what I need to do for my safety.

My husband has done this a few times and it was very helpful. I was sliding into a booth at a restaurant once and when I got all the way over I noticed that the table was squishing me and there wasn't much room. Since I'm claustrophobic, I started silently freaking out and my husband picked up on it right away. He said firmly "stop it" and it snapped me right out of it. Another time I was freaking out about my health when I was having problems with my allergies. He used this firm technique on me and it was so helpful. He is my rock and it was very comforting for me. It wasn't scolding at all, it was a firm reality check.

But I guess he has earned to be in this position with me. Farmergirl, I'm sure your T has earned this position too?

No, I have never felt scolded.

The only times my T has issued "commands" have been times when I wasn't very functional and needed him to tell me what to do. Like when we were wrestling with a strong ego state, T said, "don't give up control!" That's really rare for us, though. I wouldn't like a T who issued me commands on a regular basis when I didn't need that degree of directiveness.

Yup. We're in a good groove after all these years.

I agree. '

I've been scolded. I didn't like it. I wouldn't (and didn't) necessarily leave immediately. But I did bring it up and didn't back down on not liking being scolded. In the end it didn't work out. I was profoundly hurt. But I'm glad I didn't comply - it was a symptom of a bigger problem I think, and I'm better off now.

The one I see tried one time, in one of the first visits, to speak to me using an imperative with a smile- "sit back down" - it is possible she was trying to play - but it did not matter to me. I looked at her, told her "no", asked if she really thought that would work as a technique with me, and left. She has never spoken to me like that again.

SD: I wonder if "please, could we talk? would you sit back down?" would have worked better? Or were you leaving regardless?

I probably would have sat back down or stayed if she had worded it like that. It really was the command I was objecting to as well as the idea I was going to let her unilaterally be in charge of moving the amount of time we had agreed to for appointments. It was at the end of the appointment and the time ended so I had stood up and started to toss the money on the table when she said sit back down.

I would hate a t that scolded me, we have bosses, techers and parents to do that. I would not pay someone to do that...Hugs Rect0pathic That must have been hard

after we got into trauma work I remember telling T1 that I felt I was wasting her time; I had by then encountered so many on PC who had survived such horror stories that I felt I shouldn't be whining about my bad past - and she snapped, "I wouldn't advise you to go comparing yourself to others, at this point."

It was lke a splash of cold water in the face. I don't blame anyone for reacting badly to "don't cover your face" (btw, if I am wanting to cover my face I am going to do it, and a T telling me not to would come across as bullying and abusive)

Yes, recently I have. I find it very unhelpful, but the relationship is worth enough to me that I'm still trying to work through it. I was told in a raised voice about 7 times in one session that I wasn't trying (I was, I guess just not in the way she needed me to try). "I can't help you if you don't TRY". "Yes, but only after I dragged the answer out of you. I expect better of you after four years"! The whole hour was similar and it was hard on both of us, but I felt crushed.

And in a subsequent session she told me she felt like she'd been physically hit (by my resistance).

I don't mind my T scolding me a little bit. It's part of the maternal role I have chosen for her.

That's a very important point. T has earned the right to tell me off.

And in a subsequent session she told me she felt like she'd been physically hit (by my resistance).

That right there is a problem. Resistance (whether it was really there or not) is par for the course. If a T can't handle it without blaming the client, that T has a problem.