[ShaggyChic_1201]

First off, I have been in therapy for 2 years now - going once a week to a T who has helped me tremendously. I am stronger, healthier and more whole then I've ever been in my life.

Because of my growth, I realized that my marriage was very bad and I was tolerating insane things that I should never be tolerating. I gave my husband an ultimatum: change the behavior or get out.

It has been 5 weeks and, to my surprise, he is changing his behavior. He has seen a therapist 3 times, we have seen a Christian marriage counselor 3 times and our communication skills are better.

Now the problem. I had a very traumatic childhood, and I'll leave it at that. I processed it several times and did EMDR. I admit I don't like thinking about or talking about my childhood as it makes me feel panicky.

My husband has now come to realize that he too has had some very bad instances of abuse. He is also doing EMDR. He and the Christian counselor are telling me that I have to go back and reprocess my old memories (with the Christian counselor and his EMDR counselor) for 3 reasons:

1. the fact that I don't remember all the trauma to them means that I am not over it
2. my husband says that my current behavior is a result of past trauma, again that I am not over it
3. Any work I did previously on this issue was done in a secular way and therefore wasn't blessed by God

I spoke to my therapist who said that since I had done the work previously and that I was in the best place of my life, it was okay not to go back and revisit my old haunts.

My husband, on the other hand, thinks that I have chosen my therapist over him and that I should be following his lead, since he is doing his therapy with God.

I want to be united with God, have Him as my main source of healing and live according to His principles. But I don't want to start down a road of pain that may or may not lead to me being in a better place.

Can anyone help me make sense of what I should do?

Thanks for reading. Sorry it was so long.

1. BS: you can work through only what you know. Some people just never remember all of the trauma.
2. Perhaps
3. Also BS

I am Christian, but a counselor who says you can only do therapy the "Christian" way frightens me as being dogmatic and devisive. How about having your personal therapist talk to the Christian counselor about how this is potentially harmful to both you and perhaps your marriage for such a hard line to be taken?

[sunrise]

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

1. the fact that I don't remember all the trauma to them means that I am not over it
2. my husband says that my current behavior is a result of past trauma, again that I am not over it
3. Any work I did previously on this issue was done in a secular way and therefore wasn't blessed by God

Your husband sure sounds controlling. About #2--what current behavior do you have that is causing problems for your husband and yourself? I do think past trauma can have lifelong influences on behavior and outlook, but they are not always functionally impairing. It sounds like you have done a lot of trauma work, and processed a lot of past events, and don't feel a lot of impairment from them now. I don't agree with #1--that if you can't remember everything then you are not over it. Also, how does your husband even know you can't remember every last thing? That level of detail seems like it would be between you and your therapist? In general, I felt from your post that your husband was overinvolving himself in your mental health and individual therapy.

I think marriage counseling can be super helpful to the couple without delving into each person's past. You can learn communication skills, listening skills, how to treat each other respectfully, etc. The marriage counselor can serve as a coach and "referee" your interactions in real time. For example, when I was in marriage counseling, the therapist helped my husband learn to stop interrupting me when I spoke. If I was speaking about something my husband preferred not to hear, he would cut me off and start talking over me. So helpful to have the therapist help him learn not to do this!

To be honest, I found #3 to be really offensive. Like farmergirl, I would label it "BS." Again, your husband doesn't really know what went on in your individual therapy so how does he know it wasn't blessed by God? Isn't that between you and God? Again, your husband seems to be nosing into something private. Or how does he know if that even matters to you? If he wants his therapy blessed by God, then he can seek that out, ask for God's blessing, etc. If you feel your past therapy has not been blessed and want that, could you pray and ask God for the blessing, then tell your husband that the blessing has been received? Honestly, I think a problem in your marriage is that your husband is very controlling and nosey.

Originally Posted by bubsmiley

He is also doing EMDR. He and the Christian counselor are telling me that I have to go back and reprocess my old memories (with the Christian counselor and his EMDR counselor)

I would be wary of going to see the same EMDR counselor and Christian counselor that your husband is seeing for his individual work. They sound somehow allied against you so if you do want to repeat work with a Christian practitioner, could you choose another one? This would avoid any potential conflicts of interest and also, you might not feel safe with this counselor if you feel your H and the counselor have been discussing you and ganging up on you. I know some people do have the same counselor and this works for them, and I have been one of those people, but from what you've written, I think you should not share an individual counselor with your husband. I also feel if a counselor is saying a previous therapist's work is unsatisfactory and he wants to repeat it all, then there is always the question of conflict of interest, i.e. the therapist who wants you to repeat the work will benefit from this extra and perhaps unnecessary work by pocketing a good deal of therapy money.

Good luck to you, bubsmiley. It sounds like your individual therapy has been helpful so far, and that there have been positive gains so far from the marriage counseling.

I'm back. I'm sorry, but the more I think about what this Christian counselor is saying about your previous therapy work not being "blessed by God", the more insanely angry I get.

This may come off as a bit of a rant, so I apologize in advance. As I said before, I am a Christian, but it makes me crazy when people professing to be Christian start making judgments about what God would "bless" or not. That is NOT a mainstream Christian stance about therapy, and who the heck came down from heaven and blessed this counselor with intimate knowledge of what God would or wouldn't "bless" in therapy? That is honestly a truly warped Christian ideology. I say run for the hills away from this counselor now that I think more about it. Did you hear this from the counselor's mouth, or was this message given to you by your husband? I ask because if it didn't come from the horse's mouth, perhaps your husband is misinterpretting what the counselor said? That would be my hope, but I fear differently.

Again, if you think in any way your current T can talk some reason into this Christian T, it might be worth a shot. Otherwise, I would try to sever ties which it looks like may cause a rift between you and your husband. Ack! Horrible situation for you. So sorry.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Thanks for the comments - I felt like I was in a bad situation, but needed to know from my PC family.

The counselor has not asked me to return for any further sessions. He made an appointment with my husband instead. Not sure how I feel about it.

[ShaggyChic_1201]

Sunrise - Regarding your question, "what current behavior do you have that is causing problems for your husband and yourself?"

I honestly don't know the answer. I've asked him and he says that I live my life controlled by fear (presumably because of past traumas). But in reality, I don't live in fear - I act appropriately now when he is angry and off the wall with rage. I don't allow it in my presence anymore, so it may be that his comments are really disguised anger at me getting stronger. His interpretation is that if he cannot be allowed to rage around me, there is something wrong with me. I think that is pure BS, to quote Chris.

I appreciate the comments and feel more secure in my decision not to undergo the treatment with the Christian counselor.
Bub