new T question

i am so unbelievably confused with what is going on with me. my life ,my T. i am terrified of confrontation so will never ever tell my T if something is making me feel bad.

i just want to know how some of you went about finding a new T or to even find out if another T might be better. have you told your T that you are looking at other T. if so what was T reaction especially if you didn't change.

did you not say anything to eather T? or maybe did you say something to the T you are consitering and if so what was that T reaction to you not telling the other T??

did you just go see another T not say anything to either and just not go see old T again

i told my T once i quit because i felt so much like she hated me. i went so far as to make an appointment with another T but never told either i was doing so. all my T had to do was to call me tel me that she would like to keep seeing me if i wanted and i cancled the apt with the other T and went running back with tale between my legs. i don't know what to think.

mt insurance tells me i should find a new T before quitting the old one because sometimes there can be a long gap from one to the other

I'm sorry you are feeling so much anxiety. Did something in particular happen?

I've found with my T that when I take a huge risk and do something I never though I could do that it pays off in the end. It feels horrible at the time, but our relationship grows.

I've always thought you had a great T on your hands. But you will know for sure what is best.

I've only ever had 1 long-term T. If your insurance will allow it, I'd test out a few other Ts while still seeing your current one.

I would try out new therapists while having the old one if I was just trying to compare. The one I see knows I do this.

SD is right as long as you don't see 2 T's on one day , it shouldn't cause an issue with your insurance. Do you think you will be able to open up and talk to a different T?

Would it work to call a couple of other therapists for a 2nd opinion. See what they say about what would work for you. HOw you respond to them? Maybe they will confirm that what is going on is helpful for you and you can feel more confident. Maybe they'll confirm your questioning. My guess is that none of them will tell you that your current therapist is BAD. But professionals have ways of saying things that aren't so blatant but still give you information. One therapst told me he would never bad mouth another therapist, but might suggest it was not the best match.

i dont think so but others do and i don't know

I don't know about insurance. If you really wanted to find a new one - perhaps you could pay out of pocket to visit a new one once a month while keeping the old one until you find a new one you like or find they are all about the same and just stick with the old one.

granite, I've been thinking that you are having issues with how therapy works (that you need to talk about your past) rather than this T is a problem.

I think that it is a good idea to always tell your T why you want to leave them because then this provides the opportunity to work through the issue.

Issues will follow you.

Granite, maybe you can email therapists and see if you can find someone who is open to allowing you to communicate in whatever way works for you. Or look for someone who does art therapy! Maybe you could art therapy as well as regular therapy for a while.

I told my T when I had doubts about her being the right therapist for me. Since I couldn't really know, I just thought of it as doubts, even when they were pretty strong.
She was just interested in 'how that works' for me and wanted to talk about it.
I'm so glad I stayed.

Often I was convinced she hated me, didn't want me around, wished I would leave. These were all my thoughts, not hers. (and definitely childhood thoughts). The only opportunity for her to tell me that they were not her thoughts, was for me to speak them. Hard as it was, it was good to do because I learned so much: that she didn't feel that way at all, that I can explore things like this without 'wrecking everything', and even better I learned that these kinds of conversations make the therapy relationship even better. We risk, we grow

Usually insurance will cover for you to see several t's to check them out, as long as you don't see more than one on the same day. Check with them.

I didn't tell my t that I was looking, I just quit. I wasn't able to tell him, I didn't have the guts. You can only do what you are able. If you want to try another t, just do it. Take a few weeks off from the current one, try a few others and see what happens. You can always go back to the current one. I think it would be good to see what's out there. Art therapy might be cool...and other forms of communication.

I just went through this same problem with my T earlier this week. I was convinced he didn't want me as a client. Once I expressed my fears and the risk that I would be right and he would confirm my worst fears, he assured me that the issues stemmed from my past and had nothing to do with him. In fact, he reassured me that he did want me as a client.

So, I would definitely recommend expressing this to your current T and explore the relationship to find out why it's not working.

(((chickie)))

Do what's right for YOU. What YOU need. Not what OTHER's think you need.

I made a list of what I wanted in a T. Here's my list:

Someone on my insurance
Someone with evening appointments
Someone with an email address/web site
Someone who worked with anxiety/panic/ocd
Someone who worked with trauma
Someone willing to do some CBT
Someone willing to help me identify emotions
Someone 10-20 mins away from my house

Then I looked up every single provider on the Cigna web site. I googled all of them and looked for web sites. I bookmarked every one that looked promising. Then I started narrowing them down. Then I sat on it for a while. Then I emailed T, telling him what I was looking for & asking him if he thought he could help me. He wrote back telling me that he was experienced in everything I was seeking. I made my first appointment with him, saw him & then termed with my prior T. (Granted, ex-T and I were terminating anyway, but I felt like current T would be a good fit. And he's been great.)

What do others do that you don't know?
I am just confused.

Granite, this is just my opinion but I think a person should finish up with one T before beginning another. I think you should decide whether your current T can help you, whether you are a good fit, etc. and if the answers are no, then make the decision to leave this T. I think that decision should be independent of whether a new T is someone you like, is "better" than the old one, etc. The first T can either help or not, so if not, terminate, and then look for a new T. Don't be stringing old T along hoping you will find a more appealing T as you "try out" new Ts. The 2 decisions just seem like they aren't related to me.

To me, this suggests you have a lot of room for growth yet with the old T. It implies you didn't say to your T before you quit, "hey, it seems like you hate me sometimes" so that you could get the response from T, "no, I don't at all," so you would know you didn't have to quit. Mind reading, making assumptions, etc.--these are poor communication skills. This is something quite concrete you can work on with your T. When you have the communication down, the work will go much more easily. If you have not been using these skills with your T, it makes me think you haven't given therapy with your T a fair chance to work. So I think you can do a lot more yet with your T. Learning to be direct and not assume the worst about someone (that they hate you) would be huge accomplishments! Is there a reason to think these accomplishments would be easier with a new T? Is your current T a poor communicator? Does your current T not leave adequate space for you to express yourself? What is it that you don't like about your T that makes you want to change (not including stuff like "she must hate me")?

Would it be a problem for you to have a gap between the two? When I quit my first T, I was not planning to go to another T. It turned out I did later find a new T, almost by accident, and there was definitely a gap when I was not in therapy. For me, the gap turned out not to be a bad thing!

((Granite))

Have you told her you are afraid of confrontation?

Granite, I agree with Sannah. I think you have problems with therapy, with communicating, with fear about feeling exposed, with trying to mind-read what the therapist thinks about you (which has never proven to be accurate). I don't see that these problems will go away with another therapist. These are issues you are going to have to face and work through with whatever therapist you see.

It seems like your therapist has a better understanding of you than you are comfortable with. That scares you and you want to run. But all that is going to accomplish is starting with another therapist that you will still have trouble communicating with, you will still try to mind-read, you will still feel exposed as soon as a new therapist starts to get a good understanding of you, and you'll want to run from that therapist too as soon as you feel this way again. Aren't you tired of running?

You are scared right now because your T has a better understanding of you than you are comfortable with. That seems incomprehensible to you, you feel exposed, and you probably feel scared and a bit unsafe because these things about your life have remained a secret for so long through your silence. You have a T who has patiently worked with you, who has tried and utilized many different methods to help you communicate, who has remained constant with you through this process, and that consistency and care and patience and insight scares the dickens out of you.

Rather than go to another therapist and taking all of this with you just to repeat this whole process again, how about considering telling your current therapist how scary this process is becoming right now, how feeling exposed feels dangerous to you, how you want to run from it, how her insight into your history frightens you? I suspect your therapist, as she always has, will listen attentively, understand deeply and with great care and compassion, and find a way to help you through these fears.

I agree that similar issues might come up with another therapist, but my opinion (and it's JUST an opinion) has always been that Granite would benefit from a therapist who is more open to alternate forms of communication. Granite is very upfront and honest about having trouble communicating, but this T has shut the door on other ways to communicate -- in writing, though art, etc. I think that therapy cannot be a one size fits all thing and the therapist has to be flexible enough to do what works for the individual instead of INSISTING on therapy happening the way the therapist is comfortable with. This therapist has left Granite in AGONY on multiple occasions, refusing to read what Granite has written and refusing Granite's attempts to communicate in the only way Granite is actually able to do so at this time. That is NOT therapeutic. But, again, just my opinion, and I probably only feel as I do because I love Granite and hate to see her in pain.

Hi Granite!

I remember how you were when I first met you.
I see how you are now.
You've made huge progress, and your T can take some credit for that.

However, I can understand your dilemma because I'm in a similar place myself.

I have a wonderful T and she's saved my life and yet ... things are not all pink and fluffy between us.

I have watched Granite struggle to communicate for a couple of years, and I agree with MKAC totally. Again...it's just my opinion, but I would still be sitting in a therapists office stuttering and not speaking had I not been referred to a t that specialized in people with extreme communication issues. One who was able to lead the conversation, reassure me and draw me out. One who would read my poems and my letters. I did not email compulsively, just once or twice a month, but it was a way to let some one in, and it made a huge difference for me.

I am not saying this is what's best for you granite, but we've talked about it before. Having a t that can draw you out when you are so anxious you cannot speak makes all the difference in the world.

I agree with both "sides" of the question, granite. I know how difficult it is for you because your T has never allowed email or writing, or art therapy. She only wants you to talk. I think you'd benefit by seeing an art T or a T who uses other methods like my T does. Someone who thinks "out of the box" and does what works.

On the other hand, you have made so much progress with your T! I think you're afraid to go "deeper" because it's going to be painful. If you can tell your T that, it would help. But if you don't feel safe with this T, and want to see if you can find another T whose methods or personality "fit better" with you, that may be a better solution.

I really think it would help if you could tell your T why you're considering seeing someone else. Whatever you do, I wish you luck and healing.

me too

my T would allow art T she just feels at this point if i want to do something other then talk i should be able to ask her for what i need. she has told me if i want to draw or play a game that i can ask or just get up and get what i need. the problem is sometimes i can't ask or even move.

((Granite))

I can understand how you feel, but I think your T has a point. You need to be able to ask for what you want.

You managed to ask for a Wednesday appointment, as I recall. I saw how hard that was, but you did it! You can do this too.