04-JAN Session: Blank Slate

I told her I still had old anger about things that happened early in out relationship. I felt that she hadn’t supported me enough. I said I had rationalised it into thinking that she had supported me, but not in the way I wanted. Nevertheless, I could not see it.

One of the things I was angry about then and have still not come to terms with now is the Blank Slate.

Me: I still don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell me you were married. It was a matter of public record. My wife worked it out by looking you up in the phone book. So what’s the point?

T: The point is that I gave you room to speculate on my marital status. To give you a straight answer would have killed that opportunity.

Me: Well I did speculate of your marital status. I wondered aloud if you were a lesbian or lived with two lovers, or something like that. But it didn’t lead anywhere, so what’s the point?

T: (Agitated) You never know in advance what might be important. You think I was holding out on you.

Me: Yes! Are you angry with me?

T: No. But I am surprised. You have such a good understanding of the theory behind psychodynamic psychotherapy.

Me: Just because I understand it doesn’t mean I believe in it. And my heart is dead against the blank slate. By refusing to answer my question you created a power struggle out of nothing!

T: (Ironic but not sarcastic) Oh! And like that’s never happened to you before in your whole life?

Me: Psychotherapy is the wrong shape and it will always be the wrong shape and I will never accept it.

CE I fully get the point of the blank slate approach (having not only been in psychoT myself but read extensively on the theory of it) but I think it can work ONLY if the T is fully prepared to accept and work with client's anger/rage at being thwarted in what would otherwise be normal day to day real world instances (like seeking info about another's marital status.) The feelings you had as a result of T's giving you 'room to speculate' would have been the issue, not the speculations themselves...

But I'm sure you intellectually appreciate all that, I just wondered how accepting your T is of your anger expressed?

Another great vignette !

Torn

Ick...I would hate the whole "blank slate" thing. I think too concretely.

I so get this. What Is the secret my family has been hiding from me that I don't want to face? That was my real question. I wish I had answered it 30 years ago, not now.

Thanks!

I'm trying to understand you but my heart is full of rage.

Which is actually another point I need to bring up with T.

Yes. If our FOO was a blank slate, it might best for T not to recreate that.

I hate the blank slate t but I heard that they are trying to provoke anger in us to see our reaction so I think your t is somehow working?

If that's what she was after, she certainly succeeded. But I was angry enough without that!

I don't know what to say about this except that I agree with you. My T has boundaries, but I do know her basic information: married, number of kids, ages of kids, years married, where from, schools attended, church attends, etc. I don't know anything big or personal except when she has done some more disclosure on a couple of occasions when she thought it was therapeutic (I can think of two times where she stated that she had been through a similar circumstance, etc...minimal disclosure though). Even with this information, for a while it bothered me that I didn't know more details. So, your T would annoy me too with that! I mean, I think that complete Blank Slate T's have to know that they too would be irritated to talk to someone so deeply and know nothing about it. It sounds like she has some super good and interesting responses to your statements and inquiries though...sounds like an interesting T!

Perhaps the blank slate approach works better for people whose primary concern isn't relational, and are therefore less likely to focus on the therapeutic relationship?

Idk, my T seems to have a weird stance on how much of herself she reveals. At one point she told me flat out that she wouldn't ever tell me about her emotions (i.e., her emotional responses to me) again because that would make it about her and not me. While I appreciate the intent (now), I think that she fell back on some therapy dogma that was so not therapeutic. I also think she did it to protect herself.

Yes, we are very well matched. Maybe that's why we fight so much!

My primary concern probably was relational.

When I've asked my T, "Are you angry with me?" or "How do you feel?", she has never refused to answer.

So it's a very odd blank slate. It lets emotions through but not facts.

On reflection, it seems that most concerns have some relational component.

That IS an odd blank slate. Does your T see herself as presenting a blank slate, or is that your perception of her?

I think I used the word before she did, but I'm sure I read it in a book and she has never disputed the terminology.

She defends the blank slate, so it must be a part of her official technique.

I think "blank slate" has changed in definition over time since the heyday of psychoanalysis. So some interpret it as keeping what is outside of the room, out; but keeping whatever is inside the room, very much in.

this stumps me.

I guess I just don't see what difference it would make if a client did or didn't 'speculate' on T's marital status
and she seems to imply that it's a big deal...

It's in retrospect now, but to have the feeling T is hiding something abnormal - that comes from the client. If you can face that, therapy can go a lot more quickly, she said ruefully.

I do not believe thinking a therapist would hide something is abnormal at all. They do hide things. They admit they hide things. Just to mess with clients - "in their best interests"

No, I said, to have the feeling that they're hiding something abnormal - CE mentioned he thought his T was living with 2 lovers - that resonated with ME, and in retrospect, says more about my actual situation than any of my T's. That I had these suspicions about them corresponds to what I felt my family was hiding from me. I was pretty open about that, I think, but I can see how it would make it easier for T's to pick out than a random comment from me.

You know, random comment - I feel like everyone in my family knows something I don't. t: what are you, paranoId? Compared to: T: what do you think my marital status is? (I know this answer will tell me something about what is bothering the client.) Client: I think you secretly live with 2 lovers. T: oh, someone important is keeping secrets from you?

Well, if only it were that simple! But that's what I was trying to say. In retrospect, I can see a specific reason for this specific question, because it would have worked with me, theoretically. Too bad I'm not a theory!!

"Thought" is an exaggeration. I was fantasising aloud that T might have an "exciting" marital status. And that, in fact, was what she wanted me to do. That's why she didn't tell me the plain truth up front.

So we had a bit of fun, but I really don't see it as a good use of my time and money when I had plenty of existential angst to work on.

PS:

When I found out she was married, I fantasised that her husband was a South African mining engineer, but it turns out he's just a high school teacher. Therapists are boring people.

but CE... why was that what she wanted you to do??

I can't understand that either.

I suspect she was hoping it might trigger something. I might start talking about my own marriage or my parent's marriage. Just her bad luck that those two marriages were both fine.

lol.......

I am still trying to figure out what an "exciting" marital status would be to the person actually in it. After a month or two, don't you think any grouping would become sort of usual to the participants?